To not work full time?

[Lazym]

I have two children 16 and 12. Since my oldest turned 7 months I have worked part time. I cleaned in the evening for 8 years and for last 7 1/2 years I've worked in a supermarket 4 mornings a week, 4 - 8. Obviously when kids were younger this worked out well as I was back home for the school run and partner went to work. My youngest started secondary in September, so now childcare costs aren't an issue I've had comments from partner about finding a full time job. My point is I enjoy my job and am good at it so why should I leave this job to potentially start a job I could hate? The job I have doesn't have full time hours. I contribute to the household financially, pay for two weeks of food shopping every month and pretty much pay for all of the kids needs/clothes. One example, just spent £200 on my lad for his prom, partner paid nothing. So I work and do the usual household chores cook, clean, washing etc. Partner is very money obsessed, but I feel I pay my way too. From when they were very young he's always swanned off and done his own thing, leaving me to it. Another issue with working full time is my lad will be starting college in sept and he'll need a lift to the train station which is 6 miles away and collecting, so how am I supposed to do that? Just needed an opinion. Can never reason with partner as he's never wrong.

That's beside the point. Legally, "partner " can order her to leave at any moment, and she has zero recourse.

Why shouldn't OP 'manage the home' though? You can't have it both ways. The partner works around 2.5 x the amount OP does, also she should realistically be spending around 24 hrs a week more on house or kid chores to make it balanced.

OP doesn't have young children she's looking after all day, or slaving away cooking for. Realistically there shouldn't be more than 24 hrs a week of housework or other chores with 2 teenagers who are out at school all day and who should be doing a good amount for themselves.

I hear what you're saying OP. I don't think your partner will do his share of the chores.

Perhaps list everything you do for the house, paperwork and kids. List every single but broken down each day.

Show him the list and say "I've been thinking and I should go full time so will start looking. In the meantime, put your name next to 50% of the household duties that I currently do so we can split them fairly every week going forward. I bet he won't like it! 😜

My other half is the same but I'm the one with the house. I work 15 hours a week and between rental income, child benefit, carers allowance, my wages and my children's disability benefits (that get spent on them), I bring in more money than he does.

He has no idea because he never wanted to get married and never wanted a joint account. Particularly when I was on maternity leave and having to manage on £400 a month.

We split the bills. I pay 2/6's. He pays the rest. But, I do 98% of the child rearing, 95% of the cleaning and all of the cooking, washing and life admin. As far as I'm concerned, that extra 2/6's that he pays is payment for me doing the bulk of his chores.

She shouldn't be upping her hours for him, that's the wrong way of looking at it. OP needs to urgently and quite drastically up her hours for her own financial security. If her DH won't marry her, or put her on the house deeds, she'll be in an absolutely dire financial situation. She needs to build up a cushion of considerable savings, he could kick her out at any moment, and she'll have nothing. She is best to build that up before her DH suspects that she realises the mess she's in. So before she asks him to marry her, or put her on the house deeds. He may just kick her out as soon as she does, once he realises his game is up.

I think the real question is, if you were to go full time, is your partner going to pick up and do half of the household chores?

I don’t think you are unreasonable to work part time. I currently work part time DP works full time. However, I do 90% of childcare and household chores and always have done.

It’s a very common scenario for a woman to move into house he owns and pays mortgage on.
Or unmarried couple buying house, she’s not working as she’s sahm so house and mortgage in his name only for financial/mortgage providers reasons.
He pays mortgage, she pays other stuff.
Life gets in way.
25 years later he’s got a house worth £££ she’s got £0.
Some women think it’s ok we are engaged planning to marry then that day never comes, some are clueless re legal rights - lots mistakenly think we have common law marriage in England, some know up shit creek and bury head in sand.
Op has no negotiating power, all those saying tell him to put you on deeds why would he.

?? That's a side issue and one that I wasn't addressing in my post. Sadly you're right with your comment.

So what you're saying is that she should work f/t AND manage the home?

I'd lay good odds that wouldn't happen; if he's done sod all in the home to date a sea change just isn't on the cards.

'Managing the home' without two secondary school kids isn't a 20+ hour a week job.

with two, not without!

You're missing the point. He wants her to go f/t...but is he going to do his share of the chores?

You're naive if you think that theres nothing to do in a home when kids hit their teens. Until they actually leave the house is still a place with human beings in it.

Although you are not living in Victorian times you expect a man to pay your bills? Are the children in question his?

Of course not, she should work full time and only do 50% of the housework. If he refuses to do the other 50%, OP should leave him.

What’s the alternative? Stay part time and cross her fingers that he never kicks her out of his house?

Why would he not though? OP has done most of the work in the house because her partner has done most of the hours out of the home.
By the same logic OP won't do any more hours simply because she hasn't yet.
It makes complete sense that OP has done the vast majority up until now when she has worked extremely reduced hours.

No she shouldn't, her partner should be sharing the domestic load. But, she's out of options, she has no negotiating power. He could refuse to take on more housework, but what would her come back be? Sadly, he may not care if she leaves, he'll still have his house and savings. She needs to work full time, regardless of how much housework her DP does. She needs to work full time because she'll be screwed financially if he kicks her out.

I think the real question is where will the OP sleep if he decides to break off the relationship. Middle-aged men have been known to do so.

Well, he seems to be having a very Victorian attitude to housework.

Getting up at 2.40am to work for four hours four days a week is lazier than someone getting up at 7am five days a week to work for eight hours.

And you literally have “lazy” in your username…

Who does most of the family work? Household stuff, child work? Starting secondary doesn't mean there's nothing to do any more. My two are both at secondary / 6th form and I still have a lot to do so I only work part time.

Make sure you check your NI contributions and pay any extra owed so you get your state pension.

Moving to high school and college brings independence. My DC were always out and about and needed lifts. Seems like your OH does not understand that parenting doesn't stop when DC become teenagers. We made the decision for my OH to work part time.

What full time job does your OH expect you to get? Will he be pulling his weight doing housework and taxing the DC from activities to cover you not being there?

The most important points I got from the OP was that she enjoys her job, contributes money to the household and her time and labour (more than equally). They don't sound wanting as a family. If circumstances change, like DP does the off, or the OP finally has enough of his moaning, then she can reconsider. She sounds hardworking and very employable. Be where you're happiest, OP.

He may just kick her out as soon as she does, once he realises his game is up.
Or indeed when he wises up and realizes that her game is up.

@Hayliebells of course its not but my point still stands because its all about him

Ok but at the time you worked part time and he took on a higher percentage of the living costs in lieu of paying childcare.

Now you no longer have childcare costs, it would be fair for you both to be paying equally towards living costs?
Because it sounds like right now you pay 30% of the bills and nothing towards housing?

Whatever happens it may well be the end result. Depends on whose choice it is to move first.