To not work full time?

[Lazym]

I have two children 16 and 12. Since my oldest turned 7 months I have worked part time. I cleaned in the evening for 8 years and for last 7 1/2 years I've worked in a supermarket 4 mornings a week, 4 - 8. Obviously when kids were younger this worked out well as I was back home for the school run and partner went to work. My youngest started secondary in September, so now childcare costs aren't an issue I've had comments from partner about finding a full time job. My point is I enjoy my job and am good at it so why should I leave this job to potentially start a job I could hate? The job I have doesn't have full time hours. I contribute to the household financially, pay for two weeks of food shopping every month and pretty much pay for all of the kids needs/clothes. One example, just spent £200 on my lad for his prom, partner paid nothing. So I work and do the usual household chores cook, clean, washing etc. Partner is very money obsessed, but I feel I pay my way too. From when they were very young he's always swanned off and done his own thing, leaving me to it. Another issue with working full time is my lad will be starting college in sept and he'll need a lift to the train station which is 6 miles away and collecting, so how am I supposed to do that? Just needed an opinion. Can never reason with partner as he's never wrong.

frankly? this needs to be at the top of so many posts here: WOMEN, PROTECT YOUR FINANCIAL FUTURE

IMO it's not savage enough. OP doesn't seem to understand the gravity of her situation

So your dp has supported you working a few hours for 16 years? Time you gave somthing back maybe.

Ah, you’re not married and he didn’t put you on the mortgage. I think he’s probablt telling you to prepare yourself for him leaving.

@Lazym you've been together at least 16 yrs why aren't you on the mortgage or house deeds after all this time!

To me, the scariest thing is not having a home legally. I know a mortgage or rent doesn't mean your home is yours technically but I mean to have at least any legal ownership something solid. As it is op you are nothing more than a lodger and it's down to him to have you stay or leave and I feel he is preparing you because he wants to exit this relationship he is giving you heads up.

You can get a full time job with an agency if you will literally do anything at any hours but it's far harder to secure a home be it rent or mortgage. That's the worst part for me when a woman moves in with a man without marriage.

sob

beats fists on table

@begaydocrime42 Yeah I think the 'so he won't marry you' is quite brutal. You're making it too personal, I'm all for blunt advice but this is unnecessarily below the belt, @PeachesOnTheBeaches

Where we are super markets are crying out for staff and there's always loads of over time. If I were you I would at least have a word with your manager about your hours, you may be able to increase them.

Also just to echo everyone else, I would insist on getting married, he has got you over a barrel

Yes.

Unfortunately you are at his mercy and it could end at any time. Work and save as much as possible.

Can't son take a bus to the train?

This. ^ The fundamental and salient piece of information people are omitting, is that if you go full time, you will STILL be doing the vast majority of the grunt work, and domestic chores, and shopping, and washing, and cooking etc. HE won't do it, because men don't. Most men are lazy when it comes to domestic shit, and believe housework and general domestic stuff to be 'womens work.'

I have been part time for 30 years (Full time for the first 10-12,) and I will never go full time. I do 24 hours (WFH.) DH worked 38-40 hours a week til about 5 years ago (when he hit his early 50s,) but only does 32 hours now, so not THAT many more than me. And he does very little 'domestic duties/housework/life admit etc. I do 95% of it. So like fuck would I be upping MY hours. Never. Not a chance.

I am surprised by the reaction on here, and the YABU vote being so high. I can only surmise these women have been pushed out to full time work by their partners.

The 'what if HE wanted to go part time' brigade are out in force! But as I said, that's different, because he would go part time and still do fuck all in the house. Thankfully, my DH has never nagged or goaded me into going full time. Even after the kids left home (8-9 years ago.) If he ever had done, I would look at him in a different light. No man should be nagging his wife into working more hours because he needs/wants more income. He should get a better job, and/or work more hours himself.

I have known quite a few women whose husband/partner has nagged and bullied her into going full time - sometimes when the kids were still in primary school, and she resented it deeply, and felt she was being taken away from her children. Caused a huge rift in the relationship with the husband/partner, and unsurprisingly, he did fuck-all around the house when she went full time. The relationships did not last. Mine would not have either, if my husband had bullied and nagged me into going full time - especially when the kids were still in primary school!

@Lazym YANBU. Tell him to get a better, more well-paid job if he wants more income!

He’s treated you as a live in maid and now wants you to also work full time hours on top of everything else you’re expected to do.

You’re not on the mortgage.
He doesn’t help around the house.
He doesn’t coparent.

So what is in it for you?

I say get the full time job and leave him.

🤦🏻‍♀️

@PurpleButterflyWings you have missed the most important point: OP is not his wife. Your situation has no bearing on hers, because you are married.

WTF has me being married and the OP not being married got to do with her partner trying to force her to go full time?

As discussed on another thread, the answer is to stop doing the bits of housework that directly affect the other person - so, if he doesn't contribute, OP should stop washing and ironing his stuff, and should stop buying food and cooking for him. Also make the children do their share.

@PurpleButterflyWings

Speak for yourself. My mother in law raised a son who was very self sufficient in terms of domestic activities. He cleans, uses the washing machine, mops, you name it he does it. When I met him he couldn’t even cook an egg mine but I taught him and guess what? He cooks too. More fool you for accepting a husband who is a lazy shit. We don’t all have the same standards.

A victorian kitchen maid had approximately the same level of assets and security.

OP, you have to provide for yourself ASAP.

You have some protection if your relationship breaks down over it.

WTAF?!

I am surprised by the reaction on here, and the YABU vote being so high. I can only surmise these women have been pushed out to full time work by their partners.

The YABU vote is from women who see how financially vulnerable the OP is and that if she doesn't want to get married the easiest way to rectify this is to work full time.

If she were married, had her name on the house, had a pension set up, free access to family money .... or even just some of those, there would be a more spread range of opinions.

This. She is far more vulnerable than a married woman. Choices have consequences...

we can go back and forth on the SAHM and FTWM thing until the cows come home.

The thing that we need to bang on about here, and in other similarly positioned women, is THEY HAVE ZERO SECURITY

Yes, marriage can be an old-fashioned concept (esp if you have your father "give you away" you stand in church and promise to obey and all the rest of it) but it doesn't have to be. It can be a commitment to each other in front of as few or as many witnesses if you want, in the religious institution of your choice if you want, and so on.

It is probably the very best contract most women with children and a part-time job outside the house ever sign. And even then we see how it can go tits up on separation. So imagine the worst shitty divorce you have ever seen. And then imagine that without that stupid "piece of paper"

OP, check your state pension forecast.
https://www.gov.uk/check-state-pension

I'm looking forward 20 years to the point your husband retires owning his own home, with a state pension and an employers' pension and savings in the bank: all nice and comfortable. The children are adults and off doing their thing. And maybe he decides that he doesn't want to share his retirement with you and tells you it's over and you need to leave his house. At which point, having done a bit of housework and a bit of cleaning to suit you, you realise that you have no roof over your head, no savings, a minuscule pension accrued from your employer and possibly only a partial state pension. If you were married you could divorce him and expect half the value of the house and a chunk of his pension, but as a cohabiting partner, zilch.

Now do you understand why everyone here is telling you to stop arsing around and take things more seriously?

I don’t agree with the comments about your partner subsidising you - it’s so normal for men to help themselves to women’s labour that we can barely recognise it, and only account for cash contributions.

In your shoes though, because of your financial vulnerability, I would encourage you to look into a better paying job. Build up your pension, and savings as a first priority and don’t put a penny extra into his household without him taking on extra chores and nurturing first.

you are comparing your situation (which isn't one I'd like to be in tbh, but horses for courses) with OPs which is a situation i wouldn't wish on anyone if push came to shove.

It's not even apples and oranges. It's apples and orang utans.