To not work full time?

[Lazym]

I have two children 16 and 12. Since my oldest turned 7 months I have worked part time. I cleaned in the evening for 8 years and for last 7 1/2 years I've worked in a supermarket 4 mornings a week, 4 - 8. Obviously when kids were younger this worked out well as I was back home for the school run and partner went to work. My youngest started secondary in September, so now childcare costs aren't an issue I've had comments from partner about finding a full time job. My point is I enjoy my job and am good at it so why should I leave this job to potentially start a job I could hate? The job I have doesn't have full time hours. I contribute to the household financially, pay for two weeks of food shopping every month and pretty much pay for all of the kids needs/clothes. One example, just spent £200 on my lad for his prom, partner paid nothing. So I work and do the usual household chores cook, clean, washing etc. Partner is very money obsessed, but I feel I pay my way too. From when they were very young he's always swanned off and done his own thing, leaving me to it. Another issue with working full time is my lad will be starting college in sept and he'll need a lift to the train station which is 6 miles away and collecting, so how am I supposed to do that? Just needed an opinion. Can never reason with partner as he's never wrong.

I've been keeping a list of my expenditures over the last year of basically everything I have paid for that benefits the kids - clothes, summer holiday, haircuts, uniform, Xmas trip, school trip, food, vet bills and meds for our epileptic dog (sadly deceased) which totals over £3000. Factor into what I put into the joint account every month and that equates to approx half of my wage. I would wager half or maybe less of what partner earns goes on mortgage, council tax, utilities etc so my half is contributing but just in a different way, it's a bit more than buying a new school tie every year.

He works for a small company, new job. Don't think he'd be very happy to show me these things you've mentioned

You're on call 24/7 as the mum in this kind of relationship where the dad doesn't seem to be bearing any of the weight. If a child is sick - you have to drop everything. Injured at school? Mum gets the phone call. Late pick up from a club? Mum is there. It's like being a PA for multiple ppl.

The fact you think the word some is why people are taking offence at you is equally laughable. But that’s my opinion, just like your thoughts on my replies are your opinions and you’re entitled to them. No moral high ground, just think it’s flogging a dead horse; we clearly disagree with one another and no one is changing their mind, so why bother?

Hope you are OK, OP.

Do you have a clearer idea of what direction you want to move and what your priorities are?

And yet you feel it so imperative that you keep coming back to stick the boot into the OP.

That’s all true and I don’t mean to sound like I don’t think you are contributing, you definitely are, but many, many, posters on here are advising you to leave your partner and I’m just pointing out that leaving him will cost you a lot more than what you’ve been contributing day to day so far. You’ll still need to pay 50% of your children’s costs, plus 100% of your own. For what it’s worth I don’t agree with the posters shoving marriage down your throat and basically calling you stupid for remaining unmarried either; it’s totally up to you if you get married or not. But you have been left vulnerable and full time work could correct that vulnerability slightly and leave you able to support yourself 100% IF you ever wanted to leave. (I’m aware that other posters have advocated strongly for you leaving your partner but leaving wasn’t actually what you asked for advice about, so you may not even want to!).

So averaged out £250 a month plus 2 food shops a month? It’s still only a nominal contribution financially.
Which is fine in itself but stop trying to over blow your monetary contribution. It will be considerable less than all the other household bills for a family of 4. You make it seem like your partner has paid barely anything to financially support the family over the last 16 years.

I’ve got no issue at all with the OP, she’s handled a range of opinions with maturity and the ability to look at issues from different angles. I don’t personally think women should make themselves vulnerable by allowing a man to be the sole (or main by a long way) financial contributor to the home, because it leaves them in a less than desirable position. I also don’t think the OP is entitled to half a house for free. And I don’t think housework/childcare for teens equates to the same as a full time job. That’s my opinion. Doesn’t mean I don’t think the OP is a worthwhile human being, she asked for advice and has been given it and that advice encompasses a range of views. For what it’s worth I also think her partner should be contributing 50% to housework! (And, historically, childcare!)

Op if I was you I'd go on to one of the benefits calculators and figure out roughly what you might be entitled to if you were to leave your partner. As a starting point.

And in turn, he has a considerable amount left over at the end of the month than what I do. Which he is left to do what he wishes - £500 guitars, fishing gear, kayaks, etc. The vast majority of the rest of my money goes on petrol, cremation plan, car insurance, car tax, service plan, ps5 for my son. I'm not getting my hair, nails done, new clothes etc. That's why I will need to take on more hours. We're going to have to agree to disagree I'm afraid

Thank you. For example, today I've had to drop my son off at the train station for 11.30 for a college induction, pick my daughter up at 4.00 from a school trip, which was a nightmare and took an hour, then pick my son back up from the train station. How would this be possible if I worked 9 - 5? I've already explained why I don't want my son to bike there. This is just an example of even though they are older, they still rely on me for a lot. We live semi rural not in a city where everything is a walk or bus ride away.

Fine thanks, just catching up, know what needs to be done

Well actually no- that’s not what her original post was about at all- if things have been discussed throughout the tread then fine.
I don’t have a husband either I have a partner but I’ve spent the best part of the last 17 years bringing up our 2 children while he worked full time and if I split up from him I wouldn’t be walking away from this with nothing. This is 2023. 🤦🏼‍♀️

She has a partner. And no my children do not spend the majority of their time in their rooms glued to their phones- bit rude! Do yours?

Do you not do any housework or gardening?

I assume you have personal savings and a pension then? And a joint house/mortgage?

All things that OP doesn't have.

They spend some of the day doing that - yes.

When DS was 3, he got up at 5am, and went to bed at 7.30pm and got up at least once in the night. And for pretty much the whole of his waking hours I had to be doing something with him - even if it was just watching him play.

By the time he was 13 he was getting up as late as possible, getting himself ready, going to school, probably hanging out with friends after school, getting home for dinner where we'd catch up about his day, and then vanishing to his room to do homework/chat to friends. Yes, he might sometimes decide to come and have a heart to heart with me when I was trying to get to bed, but to suggest that a teen needs as much time spent on them as a younger child is ridiculous.

And did she say this in her original post- no! But actually the only thing I have out of any of those is a joint house, so yes I’m in a better position, but are you telling me that in 2023 after she’s spent 16 years raising their two children and allowing him to have a career she’s going to walk out of that with nothing- no that’s not how it works.

yes absolutely I get that.

This!!! It’s bloody well 2023 loads of people aren’t married and have kids. A massive issue of mine actually. My mil wants me and my partner to get married even though 3 of her relatives had massive fancy expensive weddings and are no longer together - lmfao.

Yes that is exactly how it’s going to work if her partner told her to leave. She wouldn’t be entitled to a single thing. He’s a single man and she’s a single woman. He would have a duty to pay for his kids. But he has no responsibility for the OP and if he wanted she could be homeless tomorrow.

The real issue here is that she’s created a life with a man who doesn’t see her as an equal partner.
He either adds her to the deeds or she needs to leave. Life is too short to waste time on people who don’t value you.
There are agencies and support systems in place for OP to be able to live on her own terms.

Good luck OP. Xx

Marriage brings security though, any assets would need to be divided if you got divorced ensuring equal split.

If your partner died tomorrow, unless your names on the mortgage, his savings account, named as beneficiary of his pension etc it won't go to you since you're not married. Do you have a will? Life insurance policies?