To not work full time?

[Lazym]

I have two children 16 and 12. Since my oldest turned 7 months I have worked part time. I cleaned in the evening for 8 years and for last 7 1/2 years I've worked in a supermarket 4 mornings a week, 4 - 8. Obviously when kids were younger this worked out well as I was back home for the school run and partner went to work. My youngest started secondary in September, so now childcare costs aren't an issue I've had comments from partner about finding a full time job. My point is I enjoy my job and am good at it so why should I leave this job to potentially start a job I could hate? The job I have doesn't have full time hours. I contribute to the household financially, pay for two weeks of food shopping every month and pretty much pay for all of the kids needs/clothes. One example, just spent £200 on my lad for his prom, partner paid nothing. So I work and do the usual household chores cook, clean, washing etc. Partner is very money obsessed, but I feel I pay my way too. From when they were very young he's always swanned off and done his own thing, leaving me to it. Another issue with working full time is my lad will be starting college in sept and he'll need a lift to the train station which is 6 miles away and collecting, so how am I supposed to do that? Just needed an opinion. Can never reason with partner as he's never wrong.

The op is working from 4am to 8am and taking responsibility for housework, cooking and the needs of her teenage children. I'd say she's already pretty much working FT. If her partner is prepared to take on a 50% share of the housework (good luck with that) then fine, look for a full time job. Once the teens have left for uni, it will be time to reconsider. But I agree with those pointing out that the OP's financial position is uncertain and that should be factored into any decision.

Some of these comments are ridiculous! Let’s stop undervaluing housework and childcare and give it the recognition it deserves. It would cost an absolute fortune to pay someone else to do these things for you. Not acceptable that your husband isn’t pulling his weight in the house. If you get a full time job then he needs to step up massively. Only fair that you are both doing 50/50 of the housework and dealing with lifts etc.
If it was me I’d spend time looking for a full time job, don’t rush it but find something that suits you. Beforehand I’d also sit your partner down and discuss how life will look different now you’re working full time, what you won’t have to do, how you’re going to work together to fill the gap. He may rapidly change his mind once he realises he’s going to have to do some housework! Haha. But I think long term this will be good for all of you provided he starts to value the ‘invisible work’ you’ve been doing all these years.
good luck! Recommend Fair Play by Eve Rodsky to help navigate this conversation too.

So far all the comments I’ve read are about money and paying your way. Maybe your money doesn’t pay half of everything but does your husband do half of all the house hold chores? Does he do half of all the running around with the children? Personally I’ve found my children take up far more of my time now they are teenagers than they did when they were smaller.
A SAHM is a full time job and that’s not even what you’re wanting, ultimately I think you need to speak to your husband. 🤷🏼‍♀️

@Emma2023 A stay at home mother is not a full time job with teenagers. What full time mothering is required for the 35 hrs they are out of the house at school?

Doing half the household chores isn't reasonable in the current situation where OP has the lions' share of free time.

I have no idea how your teens take up more time than smaller children. They spend a load of time at school, out, or in their rooms glued to their phones as opposed to needing constant hands on attention. I suspect you are looking at it through rose tinted glasses.

SAHM is not equivalent to a full time job if you have 12 and 16 year olds. It arguably is with pre-schoolers (unless you have nice amenable ones that require less input than teenagers )

Finally, OP does not have a husband. She is therefore financially vulnerable which is why people are going on about money.

YANBU
If he's only contributing to the bills and you do all the housework and you're not on the mortgage/deed, he can piss off.

It arguably is with pre-schoolers
No. No argument.
It IS a full time job with pre schoolers.
Otherwise people wouldn’t bother paying all that money for childcare.

And for people saying OP only works 16 hours a week, no. OP only GETS PAID for 16 hours of her work a week, and probably works more than 40 hours a week at home, whereas DP only works 40 hours a week

Whole point of thread is she doesn’t have a husband.
Op has been very clear she’s unmarried and she doesn’t own the house.
Arguments about chores are least of her worries.
Op has taken concerns on board and is looking at addressing her vulnerable situation.

There are really not 40 hours worth of housework to do in a household with 2 teens and 2 adults. Nearly 6 hours a day, every day???!!
Or if there are, there an awful lot of things I'm not doing.

That's a BIG WHY on how YANBU; he'll expect YOU to keep HIS house clean, meals made, and the children cared for while you also work full-time.

He's an a**hole and needs to be shown how much it would COST HIM to HIRE someone to do all you do around the house.

How does that help if she tells him to piss off and he says you piss off out of my house then.
He changes locks and puts her clothes in bin bags in street.
Man carries on living in his house with his 2 kids, working ft. No doubt it wouldn’t be as clean and meals more microwave variety but they’d all manage fine.
Meanwhile Op says she’s overdrawn so can’t afford a private rental plus only working 16h so unable to meet affordability. What’s her options move in with her mum or present as homeless to council and hope for a temporary b & b ?
It’s a scenario to be getting herself sorted - new job/more hours, get some savings built up before telling him anything.

Childcare for a start would cost nothing because 12 and 16 year old children don’t need paid for childcare.

The cleaning I agree - he either does 50% of it or they both pay for half of what a cleaner costs. or some sort of combination. Again though, “a fortune?” is quite hyperbolic. It maybe depends where you live but we pay £20 for a once a week deep clean of bathrooms/kitchen, then we keep on top of it both doing 50% of the small daily things. He hoovers and mops floors daily and puts washing on, I unload washing and put it away and keep kids room/playroom at a decent standard. Takes maybe 20-30 mins a day total each.

I’m not against valuing the input of a SAHM but let’s not pretend childcare for teens and a bit of housework is equivalent in any way to full time employment.

Personally I’ve found my children take up far more of my time now they are teenagers. A SAHM is a full time job

I am genuinely curious what do you do with your teenagers every single day that takes hours and hours of active parenting. I barely see mine..

Dear op, my wish for you is that your ‘mil’ cuts your head off in photos. It sounds like that is what happens when you are free!

There are millions upon millions of households with teenagers and two earning parents, around the globe. Maybe billions. It defies belief that someone can say SAHP of school-age children is a full-time job. How do you explain those who both parent and earn full-time?

At any rate the question is moot. SAHP situations only work when both parties are on board with the domestic arrangements, and OP said in her first post that her "partner" is not OK with it and wants her to earn full-time. She doesn't have much leverage to argue with that.

Clearly with the backstory about his brother being "taken to the cleaners" years ago, and both brothers still seething about it, this is not a man who is going to say "oh, dear, I should have put you on the house deeds as half-owner years ago. Sorry for the oversight, let me call my solicitor right now!" So basically she has zero assets at age 48.

There are so many similar tales on Mumsnet. I really think these things should be addressed in school before young women get entangled romantically and via children. They need to know how to act in their own interests and not get swept away by hormones, 'broodiness,' or misguided beliefs about common law marriage, cohabitation etc.

To contribute more financially and to be out of the house so electricity isn't being used and in winter, heating. I know it's gone up drastically but everyone still has to live. I don't have TV or heating on all day, everyday.

Appreciate your thoughts, thank you

Thank you😊

Even though you said you don’t know his salary, do you think he could actually be struggling to pay the bills from his end?

You also said his mother pays for a lot of things too, like your life insurance and potentially your sons driving lessons. Maybe he actually does need you to work full time to financially contribute more because his wage isn’t covering it?

From my post a few pages ago, he was reluctant to let me see the joint account online. The main reason I think is because I could see he had two more accounts with same bank and one account had a substantial amount in it and there's probably more account/s I'm not aware of. So it's not a struggle for him. I'm the struggling one which is why I know now I need to do more. His dad was very controlling with money but since he's died mil is like a kid in a sweet shop and spends at will. Partner has taken full advantage of this. She had been paying for my son's football amongst other things. Partner really doesn't like paying much for his kids. He's very good at splashing the cash on a birthday or Xmas, X box, tablet, ps5 etc but apart from that very little. I know he pays to keep a roof over their head etc. Since 2011 when my son started school, I think he has paid exactly half for one lot of new uniform over 12 years. The rest of it has been paid by me or mil a couple of times. Boo hoo? Once again, I don't know?

Does he work for an employer, or for himself, or ? Corporate employer or small business or council? What would he do if you asked him flat-out to show you his paycheck and his bank / pension statements?

I’m not being funny but over those 12 years he’s also paid for the roof over his head, the gas, electric, council tax, internet, tv, phones, subscriptions, transport, all assorted household bills, and his mother has paid for hobbies etc. What have you paid for, apart from uniform/clothing? I’m now starting to think you should leave him and experience life in the real world because it costs a lot more to support yourself independently than the price of a school uniform!

Your replies are hideous.

I think we’ve established that we feel very differently about this situation, so is there any chance you could not reply to me please? You upset several people yesterday too and it’s just unnecessary - if you don’t agree that’s fine, there’s no point arguing.