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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not work full time?

951 replies

Lazym · 04/07/2023 11:03

I have two children 16 and 12. Since my oldest turned 7 months I have worked part time. I cleaned in the evening for 8 years and for last 7 1/2 years I've worked in a supermarket 4 mornings a week, 4 - 8. Obviously when kids were younger this worked out well as I was back home for the school run and partner went to work. My youngest started secondary in September, so now childcare costs aren't an issue I've had comments from partner about finding a full time job. My point is I enjoy my job and am good at it so why should I leave this job to potentially start a job I could hate? The job I have doesn't have full time hours. I contribute to the household financially, pay for two weeks of food shopping every month and pretty much pay for all of the kids needs/clothes. One example, just spent £200 on my lad for his prom, partner paid nothing. So I work and do the usual household chores cook, clean, washing etc. Partner is very money obsessed, but I feel I pay my way too. From when they were very young he's always swanned off and done his own thing, leaving me to it. Another issue with working full time is my lad will be starting college in sept and he'll need a lift to the train station which is 6 miles away and collecting, so how am I supposed to do that? Just needed an opinion. Can never reason with partner as he's never wrong.

OP posts:
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Original poster
Lazym · 06/07/2023 08:51

Deathbyfluffy · 05/07/2023 15:36

You're finished work by 8am - regardless of start time that's not a huge amount of work.

Show quote history

In hours it may not be a huge amount of work but in those four hours I probably use up more energy than someone sitting in an office for 8. And I'm not having a go at anyone who does this, I'm trying to prove a point. I had a job once, for shock, horror! I did 8 hours a day where I did barely nothing and clock watched all day and was soul destroying. At least in those measly 4 hours I do at the moment I feel good that I've actually done something worthwhile and have worked my tail off.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lazym · 06/07/2023 08:58

TwoFluffyDogsOnMyBed · 05/07/2023 19:35

OP please don’t listen to all this. You’ve spent a lot of years working -no doubt - far harder than your partner. You’ve been getting up in the middle of the night for goodness sake!! You must be exhausted. And to top it off you’ve got no security. I’d be thinking that my partner really didn’t love me very much to allow me to do all this.

I could have told you how this thread was going to go. Everyone has different energy levels and no one has the right to tell you that you’re lazy.

Thank you for your kind words. I've been doing this for nearly 8 years now, I'm pushing 50 and it doesn't get any easier to get up at that time. But having said that, I do like my job and that's another reason I'm so reluctant to give it up, there is no full time hours in the role so I'm going to look for something else to facilitate the 16 hours.

OP posts:
GrinAndVomit · 06/07/2023 09:05

Mylovelygreendress · 06/07/2023 08:50

OP I think you have been very gracious despite some criticism and I am glad you have taken some of the helpful advice on board . Good luck .

Hear hear

Original poster
Lazym · 06/07/2023 09:18

Brighteyes2368 · 05/07/2023 21:36

I'm so sorry you're dealing with all this. I've had similarly unfortunate experiences.

Please realize my comments below are only my interpretation of your situation and my advice to you. Feel free to take what helps and ditch the rest.

Your name definitely SHOULD be on your house. Your mother helped pay for it but your "partner" is the only owner of your home? WTF!?!?

I'd say get out when you can and work as many hours as you can. Put money into an account he has NO ACCESS TO.

He has NEVER seen you as a partner; he only sees you as a possession. I'm sure he sees the children as his possessions too, but he feels he shouldn't have to take care of them or spend money on them because that is what he has YOU for.

He obviously expects you to go back to full-time work outside the home and more than full-time work inside the home with no help from him or the kids.

Get your kids doing regular chores ASAP. The college bound kid should be responsible enough to get himself to and from the train to school.

Good points made

OP posts:
Original poster
Lazym · 06/07/2023 09:22

Catlady1978 · 05/07/2023 21:43

in my view just because your kids are teenagers doesn’t mean they don’t require some level of care or supervision. My kids are the same age and I work around on average 25 hours per week. DH works FT but I do everything around the house so in fact I probably more than exceed his FT hours!! With teenager children come regular orthodontic appointments in working hours and running around to sports clubs etc after school (none of which are easily accessible by bus!). If I worked FT there would be no way of covering this.

If anyone is freeloading here it’s the partner. Yes he works FT but it sounds very much in his interest given the house is in his sole name. I’d be interested to know the division of house work too.

There's not much of a division really, about 90% me and would still be that working ft

OP posts:
Original poster
Lazym · 06/07/2023 09:31

GUARDIAN1 · 05/07/2023 22:25

16 hours a week is pretty low working hours when your kids are the ages they are. If I was your partner I'd expect you to look for more hours/contribute more financially. I also don't see why the college kid can't get themselves to the station. Having said all this, if you are to work full time, your partner will need to share more of the home responsibilities.

As I stated many pages back, we're about 6 miles away from the train station, semi rural 1 dodgy bus service, the road to the train station is a busy A road, many accidents. There is a cycle path that goes along most of the length of it but before he comes to the train station he would have to negotiate many busy junctions and roundabouts where people drive like absolute loons. Call me over protective but I don't want my son doing this highly vulnerable on a push bike. When he turns 17 in march, hopefully he'll start learning to drive which will make it easier.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lazym · 06/07/2023 09:36

ohdamnitjanet · 06/07/2023 07:42

I don’t understand why everyone is missing the bit where he doesn’t do his share around the house. We all know that won’t change. I would not want to leave a part time job I enjoyed either, and I don’t see why you should if money isn’t an issue, you will end up doing it all. But but but…. why don’t you co own the house? Did he own it before you got together or did he buy it after? I have to agree you are vulnerable. Do you see a long term future with him still?
Oh, and I wouldn’t let my teenager cycle on the roads either, far too dangerous. wouldn’t let my 23 yrs old either, he’d kill himself.

Partner owned his house before I met him. I wholeheartedly agree with the cycling comment, the thought is terrifying me.

OP posts:
Dixiechickonhols · 06/07/2023 09:50

Good you’ve realised now Op and can sort yourself out. Best wishes
As an aside don’t be the only parent to fund his driving lessons I’m paying £70 a lesson (up north) that’s a big hit to your income.

Original poster
Lazym · 06/07/2023 10:20

Mylovelygreendress · 06/07/2023 08:50

OP I think you have been very gracious despite some criticism and I am glad you have taken some of the helpful advice on board . Good luck .

Thank you 😊

OP posts:
G5000 · 06/07/2023 10:21

No, but his brother was and he was taken to the cleaners by his ex

What do you mean taken to cleaners? That the ex got a fair share of marital assets?

Original poster
Lazym · 06/07/2023 10:30

G5000 · 06/07/2023 10:21

No, but his brother was and he was taken to the cleaners by his ex

What do you mean taken to cleaners? That the ex got a fair share of marital assets?

As far as I know, because I wasn't with him then, his brother was married with a child. When they split, his ex got the house and custody of the child. As a result of this, his brother did a runner so he didn't have to pay any child maintenance.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lazym · 06/07/2023 10:32

Dixiechickonhols · 06/07/2023 09:50

Good you’ve realised now Op and can sort yourself out. Best wishes
As an aside don’t be the only parent to fund his driving lessons I’m paying £70 a lesson (up north) that’s a big hit to your income.

Cheers, the price of driving lessons is extortionate now. My guess is partners mum will pay for them, don't quote me on that though!

OP posts:
Ap42 · 06/07/2023 10:33

I think your being very unreasonable. I'm a single parent with a 12 and 8 year old. I have full time caring responsibilities for my ASD son, however I still went back to work last year after a 3 year break, albeit part time 24 hours a week. I wasn't obligated too due to caring responsibilities, but it makes me feel good and has massively improved our standard of living. Surely this is something we all strive for? Not doing the bare minimum. I'd be concerned about not being on the mortgage. Is your partner the father of the children? I'm fully prepared to increase my hours once the children are both at secondary school, Surely that's a given for most of us?

PurpleButterflyWings · 06/07/2023 10:34

Lazym · 06/07/2023 10:30

As far as I know, because I wasn't with him then, his brother was married with a child. When they split, his ex got the house and custody of the child. As a result of this, his brother did a runner so he didn't have to pay any child maintenance.

Show quote history

Awww, what charming men in that family. Hmm Were they raised in a barn?! I agree with the previous poster, getting a roof over her head, and custody of their child, is NOT 'taking him to the cleaners @Lazym It's her and the child being protected and looked after when a feckless twat of an ex-partner fucks her over.

Original poster
Lazym · 06/07/2023 10:38

PurpleButterflyWings · 06/07/2023 10:34

Awww, what charming men in that family. Hmm Were they raised in a barn?! I agree with the previous poster, getting a roof over her head, and custody of their child, is NOT 'taking him to the cleaners @Lazym It's her and the child being protected and looked after when a feckless twat of an ex-partner fucks her over.

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Yes, fair comment

OP posts:
adviceneeded1990 · 06/07/2023 10:39

Lazym · 06/07/2023 08:51

In hours it may not be a huge amount of work but in those four hours I probably use up more energy than someone sitting in an office for 8. And I'm not having a go at anyone who does this, I'm trying to prove a point. I had a job once, for shock, horror! I did 8 hours a day where I did barely nothing and clock watched all day and was soul destroying. At least in those measly 4 hours I do at the moment I feel good that I've actually done something worthwhile and have worked my tail off.

Show quote history

I felt a lot more sympathy for you before this post. Many people manage 8-10 hours of stressful/demanding work and then go home to do housework and childcare. This kind of comment makes women look like they need to be protected because our delicate little selves can only manage four hours of actual hard work, or eight hours of doing next to nothing and clock watching. Those aren’t the only two options!

Original poster
Lazym · 06/07/2023 10:46

adviceneeded1990 · 06/07/2023 10:39

I felt a lot more sympathy for you before this post. Many people manage 8-10 hours of stressful/demanding work and then go home to do housework and childcare. This kind of comment makes women look like they need to be protected because our delicate little selves can only manage four hours of actual hard work, or eight hours of doing next to nothing and clock watching. Those aren’t the only two options!

Show quote history

As I said in my post, I'm not knocking anyone else. But I've had many comments that I'm lazy so I'm giving my perspective of jobs I've had, no one else. I know they're are millions of people who do stressful days for longer but I can't speak for them. I've had quite a bit of hate on this thread and I'm trying to stand up for myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lazym · 06/07/2023 10:51

Lazym · 06/07/2023 10:46

As I said in my post, I'm not knocking anyone else. But I've had many comments that I'm lazy so I'm giving my perspective of jobs I've had, no one else. I know they're are millions of people who do stressful days for longer but I can't speak for them. I've had quite a bit of hate on this thread and I'm trying to stand up for myself.

Show quote history

To add, if I could work those 4 days doing that job for 8 hours instead of four I would, but it isn't possible and I do stay on if the works not finished and pick up spare shifts if asked.

OP posts:
agonyau · 06/07/2023 10:51

Think you could do with seriously weighing up your position all round. Not being married means you are in a much weaker position financially should you ever split up with your partner & not owning 1/2 your home means you could be homeless too in that situation - maybe you should discuss being added to the deeds? If he is reluctant to do this after all your years of commitment to him & both your children then he is not showing much faith in your relationship or respect & consideration to you, and you should be worried about his intentions going forward. If you work full-time it would be a big challenge after all these years, but might turn out to be a more stimulation/fulfilling role than the one you have now, but I would personally get his agreement on splitting the house ownership with you before putting yourself to any more trouble, especially as you do all the housework.

G5000 · 06/07/2023 10:55

I think you need to re-set your thinking about your ex-SIL. They were married, all she probably got was her fair share. But all the 'taking to cleaners' talk from your partner and his brother has convinced you that ex-SIL is evil and took something that doesn't belong to her. So therefore, you also do not deserve anything you and your partner have built together.

Caerulea · 06/07/2023 11:02

RecycleMePlease · 04/07/2023 12:20

I hate this.

Women, spend years working part time around everyone else's needs, be on call for whenever you're needed, do the majority of the scut-work, then once the kids are a bit older and life can finally get a bit easier for you it's time that you go full time to work (plus continue doing all the other things you've always done).

Fuck that.

Women need to start making contracts at the beginning of these relationships. An understanding that if you're going to be the bottom of the heap priority-wise, putting everyone else first, then it's fair enough that eventually you get some time off.

OP, YANBU. You have worked around everyone else for years, I don't think a couple more years working part-time in a job you enjoy is an unreasonable request.

The only comment here I agree with in total.

OP has been treated like a live-in maid & she has no value (echoed repeatedly here!). I'd wager that everything to do with the kids has gone through mum for their entire lifetimes - every medical thing, school thing, friend thing, all the things. This on top of all household chores & working part time at 4am.

Should OP now go full time all those things will stay her responsibility & although the kids needs change you can bet your arse she is the first port of call if they need anything or need help.

All this because partner doesn't sound like he appreciates her at all.

That said!! For your own security & self-worth & to buy yourself nice things if you want them, I'd look for extra income. Being an effective SAHM is an admirable thing, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Original poster
Lazym · 06/07/2023 11:05

G5000 · 06/07/2023 10:55

I think you need to re-set your thinking about your ex-SIL. They were married, all she probably got was her fair share. But all the 'taking to cleaners' talk from your partner and his brother has convinced you that ex-SIL is evil and took something that doesn't belong to her. So therefore, you also do not deserve anything you and your partner have built together.

You are probably right. As I said I wasn't around when this happened but all I heard about was she took the house, she's vile, mil cutting her head out of the wedding pics😯

OP posts:
Luxell934 · 06/07/2023 11:24

What’s the main reason for your DP to want you to go full time?

Caerulea · 06/07/2023 11:35

OP - now I've bothered to log in & have read just your posts...the red flags...

This sounds like a horrible relationship that adds nothing to your life. You'd do well to get out of it now both for yourself & your children because they are learning his treatment of you is acceptable. It is not. Stop being his skivvy, muster all your womanly & motherly strength & work out how to stand on your own feet ASAP.

I'll bet you'll be happier having less but being independent than being in a loveless relationship with a controlling scroat. You're only 48 (3ys older than me) so it's not even close to too late.

Do it!

GrinAndVomit · 06/07/2023 11:47

OP, now is the time to act

  1. Get in contact with the charities I listed previously and get their support.

  2. Put your name down on the council house list and utilise the support offered from these charities to bolster your application m.

  3. Up your working hours and save every penny that you can.

Realistically, the only way you can have any stability and long term security is by leaving your husband.