To not work full time?

[Lazym]

I have two children 16 and 12. Since my oldest turned 7 months I have worked part time. I cleaned in the evening for 8 years and for last 7 1/2 years I've worked in a supermarket 4 mornings a week, 4 - 8. Obviously when kids were younger this worked out well as I was back home for the school run and partner went to work. My youngest started secondary in September, so now childcare costs aren't an issue I've had comments from partner about finding a full time job. My point is I enjoy my job and am good at it so why should I leave this job to potentially start a job I could hate? The job I have doesn't have full time hours. I contribute to the household financially, pay for two weeks of food shopping every month and pretty much pay for all of the kids needs/clothes. One example, just spent £200 on my lad for his prom, partner paid nothing. So I work and do the usual household chores cook, clean, washing etc. Partner is very money obsessed, but I feel I pay my way too. From when they were very young he's always swanned off and done his own thing, leaving me to it. Another issue with working full time is my lad will be starting college in sept and he'll need a lift to the train station which is 6 miles away and collecting, so how am I supposed to do that? Just needed an opinion. Can never reason with partner as he's never wrong.

Please go and see a solicitor because you have 2 children together, and you have been in what is termed ‘a long relationship’ you may have some rights to his property- not 50/50 or anything but I suggest you have the conversation.

I would be working full time tbh - he then does half the chores and you work out together how your son will get to the station. You need to build your own security/ nest egg now as he has potentially been getting money off you (in the earlier days) to pay a mortgage in a house you don’t own - but again the courts do take that into consideration in some cases- get the advice and see - good luck.

Please go and see a solicitor because you have 2 children together, and you have been in what is termed ‘a long relationship’ you may have some rights to his property- not 50/50 or anything but I suggest you have the conversation.

This isn't true.

She might have a claim on the house in equity if she had paid towards the mortgage or other bills to the upkeep of the house such as repairs.

But in the circumstances the op describes where her partner told her clearly that she wasn't paying towards the mortgage she has no claim. And her partner could literally put her out of the house tonight and she would have to leave.

?It would be abusive to expect an au pair to do all your cooking, cleaning and childcare.
To be fair, a huge number of people actually struggle massively to juggle paid work with looking after their homes, keeping their finances under control, cooking and cleaning, carrying out childcare responsibilities and dealing with ailing parents, as evidenced by the poor health of the nation and our inadequate housing stock. A lot of people say their diets are so poor and houses so poorly maintained because they work long hours and do not have the ability to keep on top of their home lives. So I still think there are far too many fantasists on these threads, pretending that most people are capable of doing a good job of being superhuman.

100% this….if you were married.
Given you’re not married or civil partners, I think you are absolutely bonkers and in an extremely precarious financial situation.

There is a large minority of women out there who feel a bit smug for not following convention and getting married, instead to cohabit and produce offspring with a partner. (Not necessarily you although the Victorian era comment did make me wonder). These women usually continue to take on the physical and mental load of parenthood. Forgoing career progression, pension, property, savings. They don’t give any thought to what would happen if they split up and how utterly buggered they’d be, unless they happen to be wealthier than their spouse. Which is rarely the case.
From one internet stranger to another.. get yourself that bit of paper.

Just wanted to add to those mentioning lack of financial security in your situation, people get ill, especially 50+, accidents happen, not being married may cause you financial trouble if something bad happens to either of you. Plan for this scenario now, otherwise it creeps up on you and its too late.

The issue here isn't that you work part time. Its that you are not on the deeds of your house and he has trained you to think it is his house. This is dreadful. You arnt married either. Its all a win for him.
Now he wants you to earn more money but I'm guessing he isn't offering to split the household chores. He still has plenty of money left over for himself and lots of free time. What a load of crap.
I wouldn't be working another single hour.
Stop giving him all this power. There is nothing wrong with the amount of hours you are working. You are doing more than enough in this relationship. Lots of women work part time.

Most people are capable but some don't want to, not wanting to isn't the same as not able to.

I don't think it means someone is superhuman either. It's largely just life.

But he HAS all the power. Regardless of what the OP or people on the internet think, legally he does have all the power. OP went along with that for the better part of two decades. Unfortunately.

You can't wish that things were magically different than how they are in reality.

What if she says she's not bringing in any more money and he puts her stuff in bin bags and puts them on the street, and changes the locks. Do you realize there is not a single thing she could do about it?

If he drops dead, she gets nothing. He's in his 50s, men that age have been known to die out of the blue of heart failure, accident and the like. Then what?

She needs to protect herself. If he won't marry her and put her on the deeds as half owner of the house, that says something and she needs to get out there in the jobs arena, pick up all the hours she can and try to train for something that will support her for the next 20 years.

Why are people obsessing over the division of chores? That is the LEAST of the OP's worries. Some or most chores will have to go undone if he and the boys won't step up, while she earns every bit she can to build some security for herself.

You think the state of this country shows most people are capable? Fewer women choosing to have children at all, ever, and high levels of chronic ill health tell a completely different story about the limit of real people’s tolerance and capabilities, as do the high numbers of anxious, depressed children in our schools. There is no point lecturing people about being capable if their environment makes them incapable of demonstrating it.

I don't think the issues with this country are just because some people (or lets be real here, women) work full time.

The only way to get a share of property is a TOLATA claim. She needs to establish a beneficial interest.
She’s stated she’s not paid mortgage and she’s not mentioned any substantial building improvements or renovations she’s done or funded adding to value to his property. Theses are very difficult expensive claims to pursue and require extensive evidence.
It’s nothing to do with having 2 kids or her having done the cleaning. English law doesn’t work that way.
If she wants to pay for specialist legal advice by all means do so but I don’t want to give Op or anyone reading idea that there’s a simple way for her to claim part of his house.

Nobody said they were (apart from you just now).

He could literally kick you out tomorrow and you would be homeless and penniless.

He could literally kick you out tomorrow and you would be homeless and penniless.

He could literally kick you out tomorrow and you would be homeless and penniless.

x1000.

I don’t understand why everyone is missing the bit where he doesn’t do his share around the house. We all know that won’t change. I would not want to leave a part time job I enjoyed either, and I don’t see why you should if money isn’t an issue, you will end up doing it all. But but but…. why don’t you co own the house? Did he own it before you got together or did he buy it after? I have to agree you are vulnerable. Do you see a long term future with him still?
Oh, and I wouldn’t let my teenager cycle on the roads either, far too dangerous. wouldn’t let my 23 yrs old either, he’d kill himself.

Nobody has missed that.
They just think (to quote FridaRose)

"He could literally kick you out tomorrow and you would be homeless and penniless."

... is more a more pressing point to address than who does the laundry.

Nowhere did I say it was simple, and I also stated “you may’ have some rights - so get some advice. I believe the poster has said when they were earning 50:50 she did contribute to the mortgage - but perhaps I misread it!

When I was in my late 20s there was a wave of girls getting engaged in the office. Every Monday after a long weekend someone came in with a ring.
A few of the girls were chatting and the conversation somehow hinted at the earning potential of one of the husbands to be and that the wife to be in question would potentially not need to work much.
Our boss, a very wise man who I rate highly, quietly listened and then said this and I took it as advice and I am SO SO HAPPY I did as my own marriage eventually turned to shit.

”The key to a successful union is to be build a life together you can both live alone.”

it doesn’t matter if you are about to go into a relationship or deep into one - get your papers in order, have the difficult conversations about money, death and workload.

As it happens, I am by myself and raising two children the same age as OP. There is NO reason for ANY woman to be doing all the work around the house when you have another adult and teenagers. Even if you work part time. The things they can do they should do. Clean the kitchen up, cook dinner 1-2 times a week, the dishwasher, hoover and dust, put on a wash and fold and put laundry away. You are doing your kids a disservice in the long term by doing everything for them when they are perfectly capable. Just because you have time does not mean you should do it all.

YANBU but…. For your own financial safety for the future in case your dear husband decides that you are not useful anymore, get a full time job and save yourself some money. Is not unusual that partners expect us to Step up with better jobs / salaries after children grow up, just face it and good luck !
Your eldest can find his way to the station for sure! Bus ?
:)

I sort of tried to wrap the thread up by signing off as I'd read everyone's comments and took them on board, good and bad. But I see there's been a lot more pages since then. But just to answer the question about childcare - whenever there was any discussion about me working f/t when the kids were a lot younger arose, as soon as I mentioned childcare he would all of a sudden fall silent because he didn't want to pay towards it. And yes, I know they're older now so it's not an issue which is why I started the thread in the first place and after a lot of thought I do need to work more for my own future if nothing else. Coming to the conclusion I'm nearly 50 years old and have absolutely nothing financially to show for it except an overdrawn bank account is not what I envisioned. I have woken up and smelt the coffee.

What a stingy fucking asshole he is op. I hope the children cut him dead as soon as they realise all this.

I don't appreciate the comment you've now made twice about me barely working. I still go to work 4 days a week though they may not be full days. And although I enjoy my job and most of the people, it's very physically demanding and having to reach a weekly target, which if not met, you're dragged into the office to explain yourself. So I find this comment quite insulting. If you're some sort of superwoman who works 40 hours a week, looks after 10 kids and homebakes on the side, good for you I wish I had your stamina.

No, but his brother was and he was taken to the cleaners by his ex

Yanbu.

He's not got you on the mortgage and he's not married you - so he's paying off his own mortgage and that's his decision. You cover all of the household work which is a full-time job, and work part-time.

If he wants you to go full time you need to own half of the property and you need to separate out housework evenly. You need to see if he actually wants that before you take on even more of the load.

It's already unreasonable that you have done all of the housework and looked after the children for years and once they're grown he could walk away and leave you with nothing.

Although most of these comments are negative most people have actually selected yanbu. Angry hard done by feeling men are more likely to comment on this type of thread imo.

OP I think you have been very gracious despite some criticism and I am glad you have taken some of the helpful advice on board . Good luck .