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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not work full time?

951 replies

Lazym · 04/07/2023 11:03

I have two children 16 and 12. Since my oldest turned 7 months I have worked part time. I cleaned in the evening for 8 years and for last 7 1/2 years I've worked in a supermarket 4 mornings a week, 4 - 8. Obviously when kids were younger this worked out well as I was back home for the school run and partner went to work. My youngest started secondary in September, so now childcare costs aren't an issue I've had comments from partner about finding a full time job. My point is I enjoy my job and am good at it so why should I leave this job to potentially start a job I could hate? The job I have doesn't have full time hours. I contribute to the household financially, pay for two weeks of food shopping every month and pretty much pay for all of the kids needs/clothes. One example, just spent £200 on my lad for his prom, partner paid nothing. So I work and do the usual household chores cook, clean, washing etc. Partner is very money obsessed, but I feel I pay my way too. From when they were very young he's always swanned off and done his own thing, leaving me to it. Another issue with working full time is my lad will be starting college in sept and he'll need a lift to the train station which is 6 miles away and collecting, so how am I supposed to do that? Just needed an opinion. Can never reason with partner as he's never wrong.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
15
Deathbyfluffy · 05/07/2023 15:36

Lazym · 04/07/2023 11:44

Not married, children are ours, house/ mortgage is partners. I haven't worked normal hours for 14 years maybe the prospect is daunting for me but please don't tell someone who gets up at 2.40am four days a week is lazy.

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You're finished work by 8am - regardless of start time that's not a huge amount of work.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 05/07/2023 15:45

There's a thread on another Board where a woman is justifying her decision not to put her DP on her Council tenancy because he's not contributing enough and she is getting loads of supportive comments.

adviceneeded1990 · 05/07/2023 15:46

EmmaGrundyForPM · 05/07/2023 15:45

There's a thread on another Board where a woman is justifying her decision not to put her DP on her Council tenancy because he's not contributing enough and she is getting loads of supportive comments.

Predictable.

GrinAndVomit · 05/07/2023 15:54

You mean the thread where she has three children from a previous relationship who he isn’t the main carer for?
That thread that is a completely different situation?
Yeah that’s probably going to get different replies.

speluncean · 05/07/2023 16:02

@GrinAndVomit I wasn't the person who missed out the word. That was someone else.

Honeychickpea · 05/07/2023 16:03

Skodacool · 05/07/2023 14:12

This nonsense of ‘facilitating’ the partners career is rubbish and needs to stop being spouted

It is not nonsense. Anyone, male or female, would need help in maintaining a career especially if there are children.

Really? I've maintained my career for 40 years without assistance.

Luxell934 · 05/07/2023 16:08

Honeychickpea · 05/07/2023 16:03

Really? I've maintained my career for 40 years without assistance.

Show quote history

So how many kids do you have? and you've never had any help with childcare whatsoever to allow you to maintain your career? So no family help, nursery, nannies, child minder?

Walkaround · 05/07/2023 16:13

speluncean · 05/07/2023 15:27

I'm really upset. Why are people telling me I missed out any words? I've got screenshots that show that I didn't and that I explained how it made me feel - me myself not anyone else.

Why am I being accused of lying?

Sorry, @speluncean , I realise you did just copy and paste. I don’t fully understand why you took offence, tbh, as I see no undertones in highlighting the fact only some people want the childcarer to be the parent, but you did say that’s just how it made you feel, not that this is what was intended. I get the impression you might have liked to have the capacity to do more of the day to day childcare, which might be why you took offence, even though it’s obvious from your personal situation that you did your absolute best by your child(ren) and set them a fantastic example. Flowers The problem is, this is an emotive subject and people all too easily take offence and misinterpret others’ intentions, because nobody wants to be told that they didn’t prioritise their children through the decisions they made, but everyone is paranoid that someone is thinking that.

GrinAndVomit · 05/07/2023 16:25

speluncean · 05/07/2023 16:02

@GrinAndVomit I wasn't the person who missed out the word. That was someone else.

I have addressed this multiple times but I will copy and paste again just in case you missed it.

I have told you, repeatedly, I am not accusing you of lying.

I am accusing you of supporting and, consequently, perpetuating a lie.
I showed you the lie.

You have continued to argue that that is what I meant, even though I have proven that I didn’t write that and explained in depth both the context and the reasoning for my use of the, apparently highly offensive word, “some” yet you continue to pretend to not understand what I am saying.

speluncean · 05/07/2023 16:28

@Walkaround thank you.

However it's not that I wanted to do more childcare or not. It's that there was an undertone of me being a bad parent because I went to work and uni and yet there was no mention of my ex who fucked me over and did no childcare at all.

speluncean · 05/07/2023 16:29

I didn't support a lie. I explained how it made me and only me feel.

I would not lie. Ever.

Walkaround · 05/07/2023 16:56

@speluncean - I really don’t think there was an undertone that you were a bad parent, though.

speluncean · 05/07/2023 16:58

@Walkaround you don't think there was but I do.

And I'm being accused of lying when I did not, and would not, lie.

I've also been accused of missing out words and I didn't do that either.

Walkaround · 05/07/2023 17:01

The only truly nasty undertones and overtones on this thread appear to be the ones effectively telling the OP she is lazy, stupid and a freeloader who deserves to be left homeless and with no financial security.

speluncean · 05/07/2023 17:02

Walkaround · 05/07/2023 17:01

The only truly nasty undertones and overtones on this thread appear to be the ones effectively telling the OP she is lazy, stupid and a freeloader who deserves to be left homeless and with no financial security.

I never said any of that.

Walkaround · 05/07/2023 17:05

@speluncean - nobody said that you did?! This thread isn’t actually about you.

speluncean · 05/07/2023 17:05

Please can someone explain how I am supporting a lie

Beatendownmum · 05/07/2023 18:06

What do you do with all your time? I have 3 children 2 still in primary I work both a FT job and a PT job, I still keep my house clean and run my kids round to various clubs etc. I think it’s a very dated thing now for mums to only work PT.

GrinAndVomit · 05/07/2023 18:08

Beatendownmum · 05/07/2023 18:06

What do you do with all your time? I have 3 children 2 still in primary I work both a FT job and a PT job, I still keep my house clean and run my kids round to various clubs etc. I think it’s a very dated thing now for mums to only work PT.

Cool name 👌🏼

adviceneeded1990 · 05/07/2023 18:11

Walkaround · 05/07/2023 17:01

The only truly nasty undertones and overtones on this thread appear to be the ones effectively telling the OP she is lazy, stupid and a freeloader who deserves to be left homeless and with no financial security.

That’s a bit strong! Just because you don’t support women freeloading off men doesn’t mean you want her to be homeless FFS! I’d say people are pointing out that she WILL be homeless if her partner decides he’s had enough - that’s not mean spirited, it’s legal fact.

Beverlybeier · 05/07/2023 18:25

I am surprised at the negative comments towards you, working 6 hours isn't the only job you are doing and perhaps if you pointed out that you did all the cleaning cooking, laundry and other household chores it would seem a fair split of time. Give him an invoice for 1/2 of the time you spend doing things for the family that he doesn't do.

Beatendownmum · 05/07/2023 18:26

@GrinAndVomit I’d rather be beatendown but showing my kids what a good work ethic is, how important it is in this day and age to have a good career - than be a lazy free loader 😬

Babydaddy1978 · 05/07/2023 18:31

Has your DH been married before? His actions sound very much like a man who has been taken to the cleaners before and won’t put himself in that position again

Raeinbow · 05/07/2023 18:31

Dont understand if people are missing the point that her partner doesnt pull his weight at home, and you can be sure he wont bother if OP does start working full time, itll still all be up to OP.
Are you still working evenings too?

Grannyto2 · 05/07/2023 18:31

Wow it sounds as though everyone is ganging up on you.
To work the hours you do it must mean you get up at 3am to get ready for work.
That must take a toll and you will need to catch up in the day presumably as well as do all the household jobs etc. I would just carry on as you are until you feel able to take more hours on maybe by working from home a couple of hours a day.