To not work full time?

[Lazym]

I have two children 16 and 12. Since my oldest turned 7 months I have worked part time. I cleaned in the evening for 8 years and for last 7 1/2 years I've worked in a supermarket 4 mornings a week, 4 - 8. Obviously when kids were younger this worked out well as I was back home for the school run and partner went to work. My youngest started secondary in September, so now childcare costs aren't an issue I've had comments from partner about finding a full time job. My point is I enjoy my job and am good at it so why should I leave this job to potentially start a job I could hate? The job I have doesn't have full time hours. I contribute to the household financially, pay for two weeks of food shopping every month and pretty much pay for all of the kids needs/clothes. One example, just spent £200 on my lad for his prom, partner paid nothing. So I work and do the usual household chores cook, clean, washing etc. Partner is very money obsessed, but I feel I pay my way too. From when they were very young he's always swanned off and done his own thing, leaving me to it. Another issue with working full time is my lad will be starting college in sept and he'll need a lift to the train station which is 6 miles away and collecting, so how am I supposed to do that? Just needed an opinion. Can never reason with partner as he's never wrong.

Oh can we please stop with the if genders were reversed thing? I've only been on MN 3 days and I'm already sick of it! And always on threads where the OP is clearly a woman.

This is not helping men, it's hindering women receive advice based on their individual circumstances! All that it's helping, it's the patriarchy.

I think the main point here is that she actually needs to work full time so she can make plans to leave the relationship and be independent.

OP's partner could kick her out tomorrow and she'd be left with absolutely nothing. Housework is the least of her worries.

Massive over statement there. It's not either beaten down mum or lazy free loader and that's it. My kids have seen me work my way through uni, and work hard. They see me earn a good deal of money that benefits our family and means we can go on holidays and trips out. They see me get promotions and go back to uni to gain new qualifications. But they also see me there for school pick ups, school trips, and always managing to go to events etc. You don't need to work yourself into the ground to show work ethic. Part time isn't outdated. It suits some families really well. I have the best of both worlds, spend time with my family and still get to be financially independent with a great pension and savings.

What a judgemental shitty comment! Plenty of people have children without being married. Marriage doesn’t magically make you better parents.

Is she wanting to leave the relationship? She can still save money working partime seeing as theres no childcare fees now

The gender reversal thing is also ridiculous because every single thread on Mumsnet has people with opposing opinions on it, so there will inevitably be a variety of different comments and opinions to read. It has always very much been my impression, however, that the people who disparagingly refer to “cocklodgers” are the same people who are particularly disparaging of SAHMs, because they seem to have a very harsh, judgemental view of other human beings in general.

See I would say that if the same people judging “cocklodgers” also judged SAHMs then we’d be closer to equality! What I’m seeing from many on MN is that cocklodgers are worthy of criticism and disparagement and judgement but a woman not wanting to contribute is absolutely fine and anyone who dares to criticise that is wrong.

I'm not sure. I don't know how else this can end though since I highly doubt her partner will ever agree to give her any rights to the house after all these years.

Working full time will give her access to more money and have her be a little less vulnerable which is what she desperately needs.

I completely agree.

@adviceneeded1990 - you would need to identify posters who consistently say one thing on threads about women and a different thing on threads about men, because I’m afraid I only notice the really strident voices that are consistently rude about everyone except imaginary superhumans.

A man moving in with a woman, who usually already has children of her own, and refuses to contribute to the household financially or in terms of housework is not comparable to a SAHP who looks after the children, keeps the house clean and tidy, does the cooking, laundry, school pick up and drop off etc. and works 16 hours per week.

It’s just ridiculous to even suggest they’re even close to the being same thing.

There is absolutely some double standards. Lets not pretend we don't live in an incredibly sexist society where men as seen as providers and women are seen as caregivers.

It’s not a double standard.

It’s not the same situation. At all.

Some situations are the same or very similar.

Again, we can't pretend that sexism doesn't exist.

OP please don’t listen to all this. You’ve spent a lot of years working -no doubt - far harder than your partner. You’ve been getting up in the middle of the night for goodness sake!! You must be exhausted. And to top it off you’ve got no security. I’d be thinking that my partner really didn’t love me very much to allow me to do all this.

I could have told you how this thread was going to go. Everyone has different energy levels and no one has the right to tell you that you’re lazy.

I have a partner (genuinely, I do)
He earns 1/4 of what I do.

He stays here a lot (but he rents his own flat).

I own this place outright (as shitty as it is and worth less than £200k)

I'm not putting him on the deeds nor am I letting him move in.

When we go out for dinner it's a 50/50 split. Holidays I usually pay for and he buys some drinks or pays some meals.

According to this thread I'm all kinds of a Cunt.

I agree with you regarding the working hard and getting up early and no one is playing down how hard that is by any means. But what if her partner decided his energy levels didn’t agree with working full time? How exactly is the roof being kept over the children’s head then?

That's a completely different situation to the OP though

That’s a totally different scenario.
I wouldn’t describe him as a partner I’d say he was your boyfriend and you were dating. You aren’t living together, not shared finances, no shared children.
You split he’s no worse off he just carries on living in his own flat, working etc.

Genuinely, this is absolutely nothing like the OP’s situation.
I’m confused where you think any similarities lie.

URNBU. If u add in the cost of the jobs u do at home rather than getting someone in and paying them e.g. Cleaning, meals, DIY, gardening etc I think it is fair u r part-time. You take the pressure off partner by dealing with life admin crap and other problems that arise e.g. car service, kids appointment

@adviceneeded1990

"See I would say that if the same people judging “cocklodgers” also judged SAHMs then we’d be closer to equality! What I’m seeing from many on MN is that cocklodgers are worthy of criticism and disparagement and judgement but a woman not wanting to contribute is absolutely fine and anyone who dares to criticise that is wrong."

In what way is that remotely comparable with the OP?

She works FFS!

Yes, whether anyone does the housework going forward is beside the point. If it piles up, it piles up; she is 48 years old and basically has nothing if he decides to kick her out tomorrow. That is the urgent priority.

Millions of people work full time AND do their own cleaning, DIY, meals, gardening, etc.

Worldwide, billions do. It's not either-or.

Having a stay-home spouse only works if both parties agree to the terms and the cost/benefit analysis, and clearly that is not the case here.

Not unreasonable at all. Would only be a fair suggestion if your partner did half the household chores and supported the kids’ taxi needs etc. Tell him you’ll go full time but will pay for all the things you currently do ie a cleaner, taxis etc out of your salary and therefore your financial contribution will be the same if not lower (which I can pretty much guarantee will be the case). If he only cares about money it might sway him. He sounds like a bit of an arse tbh but then so are lots of men in similar situations. They don’t do any domestic stuff so have no idea how long it takes.