To not work full time?

[Lazym]

I have two children 16 and 12. Since my oldest turned 7 months I have worked part time. I cleaned in the evening for 8 years and for last 7 1/2 years I've worked in a supermarket 4 mornings a week, 4 - 8. Obviously when kids were younger this worked out well as I was back home for the school run and partner went to work. My youngest started secondary in September, so now childcare costs aren't an issue I've had comments from partner about finding a full time job. My point is I enjoy my job and am good at it so why should I leave this job to potentially start a job I could hate? The job I have doesn't have full time hours. I contribute to the household financially, pay for two weeks of food shopping every month and pretty much pay for all of the kids needs/clothes. One example, just spent £200 on my lad for his prom, partner paid nothing. So I work and do the usual household chores cook, clean, washing etc. Partner is very money obsessed, but I feel I pay my way too. From when they were very young he's always swanned off and done his own thing, leaving me to it. Another issue with working full time is my lad will be starting college in sept and he'll need a lift to the train station which is 6 miles away and collecting, so how am I supposed to do that? Just needed an opinion. Can never reason with partner as he's never wrong.

This. This. Why?

Well if you separated, you would still be entitled to half the equity of the house, savings etc from the time you stopped working full time to be at home with the kids. But as your name isn’t on it and you aren’t married it could be more of a court battle to get it.

He isn’t unreasonable, as long as he is happy to take on 50% of all housework, childcare like lifts etc etc. If he isn’t willing to do that but still expects you to go full time, then he is unreasonable.

She’s not entitled to a share of his savings or house. He’s legally single and sole legal owner of house.
In very limited circumstances you can spend £££ on legal costs and try and prove a beneficial interest in his house - a TOLATA claim but nothing Op says make me think this would succeed.

I also don’t get this obsession nowadays of some men (and I am a man btw) wanting their wives/girlfriends to go back to work full time as soon as possible, and then not expecting to pick up 50% of all house work! My mum never went back to full time work between having me at 21 and when she died at 59 (my youngest sister was in her 30s by that point so no young kids around!) She did more of the household tasks due to my dads job, so my dad thought it would be unfair if she worked more. And my dad was also a lot better than a lot of men at picking up household tasks.

? No she wouldn’t be entitled to half the equity, even after a court battle, which she would definitely need to have to prove a right to anything - except on 16 hours paid work a week, she isn’t in a great position to be able to afford the legal advice, and she’s stuffed if she hopes legal aid would pay for it.

Well if you separated, you would still be entitled to half the equity of the house, savings etc from the time you stopped working full time to be at home with the kids.

That's not true.

It's not vitriol, it's exasperation. No one wishes you ill, OP. It's just frustrating to see so many women put up with financial abuse. And make themselves so vulnerable. I hope you can get some assistance and get on track to providing for yourself in old age. The years for me between 40 and 60 went by so fast; I will be OK but wish I had hustled more.

@Notamum12345577 no she wouldn't

op simply because people feel YABU with your question doesn't automatically mean they all feel your partner is NOT being unreasonable

For what its worth I think your partner comes across as hugely Unreasonable and I get why you feel like you do over working part-time.

I would say a serious conversation is needed. marriage, you on the deeds, how shared finances are worked, How house chores are divided, how you pay your part in this and how he pays his part. Also, have your points written down as you say he often twists words or takes it all " his way" and asks the question of if he actually sees you as his partner.

I know this is risky as it could mean he says no and he wants you out. However, then at least you know what to do and how to move forward.

I would say a serious conversation is needed. marriage, you on the deeds, how shared finances are worked, How house chores are divided, how you pay your part in this and how he pays his part

The time to have this conversation is before you have children, not when your children are 16 and 12 and your relationship is already falling apart.

In fact, it's utter bollocks.

The OP would be legally entitled to absolutely nothing.

Which is why women who give up work or go p/t should get married. It astounds me that I keep reading the same old thing on here. Marriage is not a romantic or old-fashioned thing: it's a strictly legal arrangement which makes everything a whole lot easier if you split up.

I would have been utterly shafted financially if I hadn't been married, and so would our children. It is insanity not to do it, if you are the partner who is financially weaker.

The op's oh has been smart. She doesn't even have an equitable claim as he specifically told her not to pay towards the mortgage.

I actually think this needs taught in school.

And has he been paying a mortgage on the same house since 1989?

Oh sorry just seen it's not the same house. Still, it's a long time to have mortgages for, not impossible, but I wouldn't be at all surprised if there is no mortgage.

The OP doesn’t have this type of bargaining power.

This man’s house is nearly paid off (if the mortgage hasn’t been cleared without her being informed), his children have been raised, he’s had someone contribute to his bills, and he hasn’t had to lift a finger for almost two decades.

He’ll walk away with the house, his pension, and very likely has plenty of savings stashed away.

The OP walks away with nothing.

OP, I know you think people (me included) are being tough on you but it’s more like exasperation and disbelief. He sounds like a nasty piece of work, but this arrangement has obviously suited you for the past 16 years so you really can’t play the victim now.

You need to look after yourself. Get a full time job, open a savings account in your own name, don’t do anything that results in you paying towards his house in terms of repairs/improvements.

Set yourself up so you can walk away with some security.

Does it not worry you that if you separate you will have no rights to the house ?

My thoughts exactly. A job over more hours would enable you to have a better financial cushion/private pension than may be the case now.

If he wants you to work more paid hours I'd be saying he'll have to take on some of these tasks at home. Unpaid work is still work.

You'd need to get everyone else in your household to step up, rather than leaving you to do pretty much of the chores when/if you extend your working hours to full time. You are in a precarious position financially as you are not married and also have no equity in the home. 🌹

What is striking is that

You are good enough to have children with

You are good enough to clean & run the home

However,

He has not married you

He has not shared the property with you

Legally, you are 2 single people

He owns all the assets

I don't think that he sees you as an equal

You have been financially abused

In contrast, my life is very different to yours

I have always earnt my own money

It is. But people clearly think marriage and legal rights Victorian.

OP, do you have family, parents, siblings, anyone who can provide moral support and maybe a place to live if need be?

Everyone going on about how he'll have to pick up more chores when she goes to work full time, sod the chores for fuck's sake! This is her future we are talking about, the difference between penury and having a decent older age.

Let everything pile up, let the teens learn to do their own laundry, do the bare minimum for food. No one is going to die if they have to eat sandwiches or simple eggs and toast all summer while OP spends time and energy on getting her life in order. If "D" H doesn't like it, he can step up.

But she needs to use her time wisely and housework ain't it. If people want their sheets changed or their toilet cleaned, let them do it themselves. The kids are quite old enough to take on household tasks, especially in the summer, btw.

How very odd you've been together this long and own nothing of the house you and your kids live in? That's just appalling

@Lazym

Although, he has "accidentally" opened a couple of my bank statements to see how overdrawn I am.

Do you bank online for your sole/personal bank account? If so maybe consider having your statements online only, and ensure your login and password are strong, unique and difficult for him to guess. This will be particularly useful when you are earning more but need to save for when/if you no longer live with him and need to provide financially for yourself and your children. Join your employers' pension schemes if you haven't already and also have a decent percentage paid straight from your salary(ies) into your pensions. IIRC you don't have any access to his own personal accounts and he dislikes you check the joint account - which you pay into?

The priority now is to ensure you build up your savings/finances against the day you need to use them for yourself and your children. It doesn't sound as there's much longevity left in your relationship with him.

It would not hurt to check what your finances might be if you did separate. So look up online Child Maintenance (CMS), Universal Credit you might be entitled to? Speak to Citizens Advice and/or check www.entitledto.co.uk. Also you'd be entitled to 25% single occupier discount on your council tax (check your council's online portal). And then get the child benefit paid into your sole bank account.

You may decide not to do anything with this information yet, but forewarned is forearmed. Good luck! 🌹

So what’s his is his; what his parents contributed is his; and what your mother contributed is also now his?!

The life insurance policy sounds interesting. How much life insurance do you get if he dies? And how much does he get if you die? What is the insurable interest, as none is automatically assumed if you are not married or in a civil partnership, but you do need an insurable interest to have insurance.

Btw, it’s only a Compare the Market summary, but at least this sets out the basic things you need to consider and be prepared for: https://www.comparethemarket.com/life-insurance/content/cohabiting-couples/#

I'm not convinced that the housework is likely to be equivalent to working an extra 24 hours a week. I mean how much housework is there with two teenage kids who aren't home most of the day?

My daughter asked me why do you fake tan and want different skin. She constantly asks me why I straighten my cus too.
How do I tell her but also make her feel empowered and perfect in the skin she is In.