To not work full time?

[Lazym]

I have two children 16 and 12. Since my oldest turned 7 months I have worked part time. I cleaned in the evening for 8 years and for last 7 1/2 years I've worked in a supermarket 4 mornings a week, 4 - 8. Obviously when kids were younger this worked out well as I was back home for the school run and partner went to work. My youngest started secondary in September, so now childcare costs aren't an issue I've had comments from partner about finding a full time job. My point is I enjoy my job and am good at it so why should I leave this job to potentially start a job I could hate? The job I have doesn't have full time hours. I contribute to the household financially, pay for two weeks of food shopping every month and pretty much pay for all of the kids needs/clothes. One example, just spent £200 on my lad for his prom, partner paid nothing. So I work and do the usual household chores cook, clean, washing etc. Partner is very money obsessed, but I feel I pay my way too. From when they were very young he's always swanned off and done his own thing, leaving me to it. Another issue with working full time is my lad will be starting college in sept and he'll need a lift to the train station which is 6 miles away and collecting, so how am I supposed to do that? Just needed an opinion. Can never reason with partner as he's never wrong.

How much is left on the mortgage? Surely it has to be coming to an end soon? Maybe that would be a good time to discuss adding you to the deeds?

Have absolutely no idea, I'm afraid, I wouldn't have thought too much longer.

What are you talking about? Thankfully I grew up with an army dad who did all of the ironing, cooking and mending (sewing buttons, hemming trousers etc) in our house and DH is a rare male specimen who was incredibly well trained by his mother 👏 She had him cleaning her house and doing his own laundry from age 13. He’s now tidier and more organised than I am 😊

So I’m confident my boys will be equally “skilled” and prepared to roll up their sleeves at home.

When my SAHM friends say they are busy as they “run the house”, my first thought is usually why isn’t it tidier then… and how the hell do you think those of us who work full time manage perfectly well to clean, cook and “run our houses” too 😂

We're not married because we're not living in Victorian times. We have a joint account that I contribute to every month. The house and mortgage are my partner's.

Yeah you are fucked. He could walk out when your youngest turns 18, and you'd never see a bean of his money/house. You'd have been pretty cheap childcare & housekeeper for 18 years.

100% work more hours!

Not really. He could kick her out at any time.

You are right though, OP's partner is good at looking out for his own interests and his own interests alone.

Yup!

All I get from this is that your comprehension is terrible, you’re sanctimonious and shit friend 🤷🏻‍♀️

I applaud you taking responsibility 👏

Good luck and stand your ground. You'll have a fight on your hands, but one worth undertaking.

You've been together over 16 years but don't know and never asked? This is baffling to me. Even though you're not on the mortgage did you not discuss finances, etc in that time?

How would she address it? Let's be honest she has zero leverage and her partner has made sure of that.

Anyway, women need to wise up! These stories make me feel so sad

Best of luck OP!

I know what's in and what comes out of the joint account (although he doesn't really like me looking at it) so I know how much standing orders or direct debits are and I know how much the mortgage is because it comes out of that also. I have a standing order of a certain amount every month that goes in, child benefit goes into it and partner transfers X amount into it every payday. When his dad was alive (died 2017) he would discuss all mortgage details with him.

Do you know how much he earns?

He's just changed jobs, so not really but tbf I don't discuss what I earn either, not that he asks. Although, he has "accidentally" opened a couple of my bank statements to see how overdrawn I am🤦

So many financial 🚩 here, OP. He’s hiding so much from you. You’re so, so vulnerable.

I bet he paid it off years ago. How do you know he hasnt? Why would he still be paying a mortgage on the same house after 33 / 34 years?

No he definitely hasn't. His first house was a relatively cheap one bedroom and we now live in a three bed detached with a couple of moves in between so the mortgage has increased with more expensive properties.

Oh @Lazym
Please go and get some professional advice from a domestic violence charity. There are so many red flags here. Financial abuse is a recognised aspect of coercive control which is illegal. You need advice quickly.

There is a support service for women in this exact situation:

https://survivingeconomicabuse.org/

This is their dedicated helpline: 0808 1968845

or women’s aid

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/financial-abuse/

So there have been property purchases during your relationship but you weren't a party to them?

In your situation, I would be getting full time hours and saving like a demon to get away from him. A support service can help you get set up with the correct benefits and get your name down for social housing.

Oh @Lazym you are in such a vulnerable situation. I echo the advice to contact women's aid for advice because this isn't normal or right.

Have you always lived in the same house or have the moves happened while you were together?

Have you ever discussed what will happen in the future financially? Do you have a pension? Are you a named beneficiary in his pension and/or life insurance if he has it? What about a will? Who gets the house if he dies? These are questions you need answering.

You should be working full time but not because he said so, because you deserve to save money and put into your pension and to feel secure.
I don’t think he values your contribution over the years, he should have put your name on the house.
Why don’t you take some time to explore what you’d like to do and how to boost your confidence? As you said, you’re getting up in the middle of the night so you’re not lazy. You will find a job that you enjoy and that gives you satisfaction. 🙂

YANBU in my opinion and working a certain amount of hours over society's "tick box" is MASSIVELY over rated and I'm not sure why but as well do know why on some. You've been "piled on" over this thread, OP a mix of reasons, I think. Some say you're in a position of luxury not to work a standard 4O hour ish week as they'd love to not have to, others are looking out for you over your name being on the house, which I do agree it needs to be over it all and kids together, relative to all you do at home. Who cares if you "only" work in a supermarket for 16 hours? For me, you have my respect over a hard job and getting up early in the graft of it when supermarket work is hard and often office jobs or WFH jobs paying a lot more can be actually 50 times easier. YET you are getting all the flack here. And it's completely unfair. I feel the guidance IS right, though over you do need to be married, relative to partner moaning over hours and that would make life secure more over it. Is his "more hours" over wage paid time harder than yours or not? You deserve more over it, either way and it's not easy finding a suited full time job that is relatively enjoyable or ok anyway over it. Good luck, OP x

I never knew him when he had his first house, the second house he was in when I met him was on the market, then we moved to another and now the current one. His mum and dad helped a bit financially with this one and my mum also helped with a couple of thousand. I have a pension at work, I don't know if he's made a will and when we moved here his mum and dad started paying for life insurance for us.

Thank you, I appreciate your kind comment, didn't think id get quite the vitriol I've had off some but obviously it's hit a nerve with some people.

What are your plans Op if he dies? It’s not just his Will it’s things like nominating for death in service and pension.
If he dies no will then his children inherit his assets inc house.
Out of interest do you have him as a beneficiary on yours?