To not work full time?

[Lazym]

I have two children 16 and 12. Since my oldest turned 7 months I have worked part time. I cleaned in the evening for 8 years and for last 7 1/2 years I've worked in a supermarket 4 mornings a week, 4 - 8. Obviously when kids were younger this worked out well as I was back home for the school run and partner went to work. My youngest started secondary in September, so now childcare costs aren't an issue I've had comments from partner about finding a full time job. My point is I enjoy my job and am good at it so why should I leave this job to potentially start a job I could hate? The job I have doesn't have full time hours. I contribute to the household financially, pay for two weeks of food shopping every month and pretty much pay for all of the kids needs/clothes. One example, just spent £200 on my lad for his prom, partner paid nothing. So I work and do the usual household chores cook, clean, washing etc. Partner is very money obsessed, but I feel I pay my way too. From when they were very young he's always swanned off and done his own thing, leaving me to it. Another issue with working full time is my lad will be starting college in sept and he'll need a lift to the train station which is 6 miles away and collecting, so how am I supposed to do that? Just needed an opinion. Can never reason with partner as he's never wrong.

You would be better to start your own thread.

Oh op it’s not all vitriol,
some of it is just people realising how vulnerable you are. When you say you’ve made some really bad decisions though, I think you’ve only made one really bad decision- getting into a relationship with him. The rest have been because you’ve been pressured by a nasty man who’s Lo is financially abusive I’ve decided, having read the thread. Told you you didn’t deserve to be on the house deeds, made sure you weren’t on any of the future ones. Made sure you didn’t pay towsrds the mortgage, opens your account statements but doesn’t like you looking at the JOINT account …. You need to realise he is not on your side. Appeal to his self interest, threaten his convenient life, that it all ends if he doesn’t add you yo the mortgage but don’t in any way trust him to just do the right thing by you from here on. Don’t imply you’ll leave, or he will never put you on those deeds. Don’t give him any information he doesn’t need- as others say make your accounts private. ‘I’ll share when you share, you don’t even like me seeing our JOINT account.’ Make sure you’re not expending your energy hiding who he is from the dc. Ask him to pay for Dc things in front of them. You need to save everything you can. Put together the paperwork to claim the child benefit to just your account, you might need it in a hurry.
i wish you a happy future.

Of course. But if they can manage financially with only one full time and the other does a lot of the house jobs then it makes sense for them to go pt. If both were ft I'd hope the house jobs were evenly split.

I don't know if he's made a will, I haven't either as of yet. The only thing I've done recently is started a cremation plan so noone is burdened with that cost when I go. I've informed him and my oldest of this.

Are u married

It's very interesting to hear a man's perspective, thank you. (Maybe I shouldn't, but I assume most of the posters here are women)

Sorry read u r mit.

Get married.
Get a ft job. It may be easier then getting up at 230am.
Contribute more and then treat yourself more too.

If he buys 🎸 n fishing gear you can afford to buy stuff you like.

Share chores.
After u go ft

I could go back to living with my overbearing mum and freeloading brother, which would be like out of the frying pan into the fire!but my kids wouldn't/couldn't come with me as there's not enough room. If some on here think I'm bad - my brother in his 50s and working gives my mum 80, £15 a week keep but that's a different thread to start.

I think it's a policy that if anything happens to partner and I think me, the house is paid off for the kids sake.

I think my 16 year old is cottoning on🧐

That would be nice, like most parents with non working children I like to make sure they've got enough instead of treating myself. But if I go ft I might have a bit of spare cash?

How can you be someone's "partner" and not know if they have made a will? This is all so wrong. You're also mad not to have made a will yourself. It's all the more important as you're not married.

@Lazym - Not many people are capable of taking responsibility for mistakes made with such good grace. You sound very self-aware and reflective. Your partner does not respect you. It sounds like he is used to squashing you down when you try to assert yourself. Do your research on wills, life insurance and everything else required to protect the interests of cohabiting couples and then approach him with it and do not back down. You need more security and to be more involved in financial decision making and arrangements, rather than to be treated like a glorified housekeeper who has been generously gifted accommodation and children by a gracious benefactor. If you work longer hours and earn more, he also needs to work longer unpaid hours contributing to the home environment and family. If you have not pulled your weight financially, he has not pulled his weight domestically and with childcare over the years and this needs to be taken into account. Also, it was his responsibility to be heating and lighting his home, paying the water bills and for his food, etc, if it really was all his and not yours - to claim he was solely responsible for the mortgage and house and you were not contributing towards that when you were actually paying for other domestic bills, food and the children, all of which were essential expenses enabling the home to be habitable, is an economic pretence, trying to keep your name away from legal rights you should have been building up over the years. Admit you have taken too little interest in the financial and legal position, but that he has taken too little interest in absolutely everything else.

I've taken everyone's comments on board - good, bad and indifferent and think it's time for a change. I'll def look into another part time job to subsidize the 16 hours and start asking some more questions about wills, mortgage etc for my kids sake as well as my own.

Yes get on that mortgage before doing anything else. That’s your first priority, second is a will, third a job that works for you with housework shared.

Dont allow him to fob you off.

Wishing you well @Lazym

If nothing else
1 get child benefit paid to your own account
2 keep every extra cent you earn for yourself. If he complains say you need to build up your financial security but obviously if you were 50-50 on the house deeds you would be able to contribute more. And if he agrees, do not pay more until all the paperwork is complete and you have evidence of the change

You have been very gracious in the face of a lot of criticism, which is not easy. I think you are being financially abused. Do seek help from CAB and others. Get on the mortgage if you possibly can. Good luck!

Best wishes Op.
Wills and pension beneficiaries is a good way to open conversation.

Wouldn’t Have kids with someone who I thought might leave us in the dirt.

You really think all other women who are screwed over actively decide to have children with men who will leave them in dirt? Pretty much everyone thinks that theirs would never. But the man you marry is not the same man you divorce.

It’s not just leaving it’s dying though.
Anyone can have a car accident.
In my experience the ‘marriage is a bit of paperwork’ people tend to not be hot on paperwork so haven’t sorted wills, forget to put their girlfriend as beneficiary on their pension etc. Sometimes still legally married to wife they split from years ago as haven’t sorted divorce paperwork.

“My boyfriend won’t work more than 16 hours and hasn’t since my kids were born 16 years ago. He has contributed to nothing other than food bills and some clothing for the kids. He’s done the house work. Should I put him on my mortgage which I’ve paid myself, fully, for those sixteen years, and to which he’s never paid a penny, and risk 50% of my own financial security in doing so?”

Answers would be very different. With a different take on financial abuse.

@adviceneeded1990 I don't want to marry my boyfriend because I plan to leave him when he outlives his childcare usefulness, and keep the house. I also don't let him have access to any of my accounts. Why should I? Raising children and housework is a piece of piss ( I could have done it if I weren't so busy and important) . I have convinced him marriage is a piece of paper, and he seems to be ok with that...

But that’s not factual? No one knows if anyone is planning to leave anyone in this situation? What we do know is that the OP hasn’t worked more than sixteen hours in sixteen years and thinks giving their almost adult child a lift to the train station is a reason not to. I wouldn’t be putting someone with that level of work ethic on my mortgage 🙈. Nothing to do with being busy and important either - I’m sorry but house work is a piece of piss compared to a 40 hour a week job and takes less than a tenth of the time! Childcare, parents should be splitting it or splitting the cost of it if both working. So he needs to step up in regard to that. But I would 100% not give potentially 50% of my house to someone who’s paid 0% of my mortgage.

I don't think we will agree on this @adviceneeded1990 because I would.