To not work full time?

[Lazym]

I have two children 16 and 12. Since my oldest turned 7 months I have worked part time. I cleaned in the evening for 8 years and for last 7 1/2 years I've worked in a supermarket 4 mornings a week, 4 - 8. Obviously when kids were younger this worked out well as I was back home for the school run and partner went to work. My youngest started secondary in September, so now childcare costs aren't an issue I've had comments from partner about finding a full time job. My point is I enjoy my job and am good at it so why should I leave this job to potentially start a job I could hate? The job I have doesn't have full time hours. I contribute to the household financially, pay for two weeks of food shopping every month and pretty much pay for all of the kids needs/clothes. One example, just spent £200 on my lad for his prom, partner paid nothing. So I work and do the usual household chores cook, clean, washing etc. Partner is very money obsessed, but I feel I pay my way too. From when they were very young he's always swanned off and done his own thing, leaving me to it. Another issue with working full time is my lad will be starting college in sept and he'll need a lift to the train station which is 6 miles away and collecting, so how am I supposed to do that? Just needed an opinion. Can never reason with partner as he's never wrong.

Definitely not fair.

Can I ask why you agreed to move into his house? Was it never discussed about him adding your name to the mortgage?

Of course it isn’t fair op!

He is ensured he holds onto the assets and security whilst you pay the utilities for him, birthed his children, are available for sex and scrubs his soiled pants.

Yes you have been taken for a total ride, but it’s not too late. You know now. You can make a plan from here.

You have done nothing wrong op, just trusted and loved a man that exploits women.

Just remember that you always have a choice. And the more independence you have, the greater your choices.

I'm probably going to flayed alive again but I wanted to be in a relationship and feel like an adult after living with an overbearing mother. I feel another rinsing coming for this comment too - after a while living there I mentioned the mortgage to him and he said to the affect of "I've been paying this since 1989 and you're not going to just come onto it", so there you have it. I was young, ignorant and naive.

Well it appears that is precisely what has happened!

You have done nothing wrong op, just trusted and loved a man that exploits women.

Nope. Don't play the Poor Helpless Female card.
We are all responsible for our own life choices.

Own it. No excuses.

That is very sad, because he has taken full advantage of you for decades. It’s not too late. Sit down and say you are happy to get a FT job and insist he puts you on the mortgage immediately. You can not continue this arrangement without it.

You are going to have to push for this.

There are some ill intentioned posters on here. Ignore them op.

Once you are on the mortgage you can divide up the house work and tell him to pay for cleaners, gardeners, decorators. A nanny for the children as you won’t be able to do two jobs.

It's never too late to start making the better choices for yourself now.

Getting a full time job is a good start but honestly, ending the relationship is probably even better.

I'm fairly sure most 12 and 16 year olds don't need nannies ...

There’s no shame in being young and naive and making bad choices OP, the shame comes from not learning from them. It sounds like you are starting to see how much you’ve given up and how vulnerable your situation is, now you need to work on correcting that.

I’m sorry you’ve had a hard time on this thread, it can’t be easy to hear, but I hope it does encourage you to look out for yourself more. You can’t trust this man to do right by you, because as silly as some of your choices have been, it doesn’t make him any less of a shitbag for solely looking out for his own interests.

It's not the mortgage she needs to be on. It's the deeds (although most mortgage companies will insist that anyone on the deeds is on the mortgage)

So why the children without benefit of marriage?

I'm not trying to "flay you alive" but FFS this is a disaster that YOU have been entirely hunky dory with up till now!

I'm sick to death of reading thread after thread after thread over, what 15 years, of this same absolute pile of pathetic whining.

Talk about own goals. Embarrassing. Shamefull.

Thank you, I know what I need to do, just need the courage to do it

OP can you see that your employment status is secondary here.

Your real concern should be the absolute lack of any security.

He could kick you out tomorrow and you'd have nothing. Sorry, harsh but true.

After years of bearing and raising his children, cooking and cleaning, and sacrificing your own career - nothing.

And he knows it. And engineered it.

You need to address this urgently.

Thank you, I gather a lot of other posters have never and will never make any wrong choices or bad decisions and jolly good luck to them. I've just responded to posters questions honestly. I've made some really bad decisions and I need a way to move forward but I still have my kids to consider.

1989?

Is there a large age gap?

Oh, I have made some terrible decisions. Some absolute WTF were you thinking decisions. Trying to fix a few now. Midlife really makes the scales fall from your eyes.

Thank you but I have to take a lot of the responsibility myself. I put myself here and I have to get myself out.

It's just paying rent effectively isn't it? If I wasn't married I wouldn't be putting my boyfriend on my mortgage so he can take half the house I owned before I came into the relationship, that would be a really silly finacial decision. If the relationship got to the point of getting serious (no idea how you decide that when marriage isn't on the cards) he should have ringfenced what he had paid in and then added her, she then gets half of equity moving forward, assuming she's paying half. If you aren't married it's in your best interest to just look after yourself, the relationship can end tomorrow and you can just walk away. Op has been foolish not to realise marriage would protect her and give her security, despite it not being "victorian times".

At least when you're paying rent you have legal rights.

I'm 48, he's 53. So he was 20 in 1989. His mum and dad helped him to get on the property ladder.

@Lazym You’ve been quite brave to post on AIBU, accepted you were BU, and have stayed to face the heat and reality of what the real issues are.

This might be another moment where you have to “adult” and stick up for yourself.

It sounds like you left an overbearing, controlling mother and went straight under the wing of an overbearing and controlling man.

You need to outline to him the financial sacrifice you have made in stopping FT work to rear children/keep house. And concerns for your future (lack of pension)/ high inheritance tax for kids.

Wishing you all the best of luck in facing the conversations ahead and hoping you can effect positive change for yourself and your children 💐

Ok. Sorry, I forgot your kids aren't that young.

He sounds like a complete hole, OP. Your kids are old enough to be fairly independent and I think you need to work on your own independence too..