To not work full time?

[Lazym]

I have two children 16 and 12. Since my oldest turned 7 months I have worked part time. I cleaned in the evening for 8 years and for last 7 1/2 years I've worked in a supermarket 4 mornings a week, 4 - 8. Obviously when kids were younger this worked out well as I was back home for the school run and partner went to work. My youngest started secondary in September, so now childcare costs aren't an issue I've had comments from partner about finding a full time job. My point is I enjoy my job and am good at it so why should I leave this job to potentially start a job I could hate? The job I have doesn't have full time hours. I contribute to the household financially, pay for two weeks of food shopping every month and pretty much pay for all of the kids needs/clothes. One example, just spent £200 on my lad for his prom, partner paid nothing. So I work and do the usual household chores cook, clean, washing etc. Partner is very money obsessed, but I feel I pay my way too. From when they were very young he's always swanned off and done his own thing, leaving me to it. Another issue with working full time is my lad will be starting college in sept and he'll need a lift to the train station which is 6 miles away and collecting, so how am I supposed to do that? Just needed an opinion. Can never reason with partner as he's never wrong.

Sorry, just seen this, it should read ‘more’ not ‘marriage’ hours 😟

It is frustrating and upsetting when so many women avoid marriage, not because they are actually behaving like enlightened women at all, but because they are behaving like old fashioned women who are either too romantic or too blinkered to do anything but trust the man they love never to shit all over them. If you are too easily cowed to insist on going to see a solicitor to discuss the legal and financial implications before embarking on starting a family with someone, then either insist on a marriage, so that the legal position can be clear without having to argue over the details before you’ve even started, or accept that by just going ahead and doing it, you will be in an exceptionally weak position if you sacrifice your personal financial security for the sake of your children and they don’t. If the relationship ends prematurely and you have no formal, legal contract to work with, you will be left having to fight in court over everything, with only your finances to help support that fight, because you will not automatically be entitled to anything if you chose not to enter into a formal, legal arrangement in the first place, with the exception of child maintenance payments made solely for the benefit of dependent children for whom your partner has parental responsibility, which will not be enough to buy you a new home, furnish it, provide you with a pension etc.

The OP needs to sit down with her partner and discuss the fact she has no financial or legal security, despite having contributed a huge amount of unpaid work to the household over the years, and that getting a full time job now will not make up for that lost security - some legal recognition of the agreed prior contribution needs to be made to make the situation more fair.

Absolutely this. He wouldn't have been able to work as he has done without her work caring for their children

Sorry to have to say the OP has been totally complicit in this situation. You can't pin all the blame on the bloke here, it simply wouldn't be fair.

OP got herself into this with her eyes open. Had children and moved into his house without the legal protection of marriage.

I can only suggest she gets f/t work or another p/t job to build her own financial security.

As for doing more housework than him, well that argument happens in most homes whatever the work arrangements so not worth discussing.

If he doesn't pull his weight fairly stop doing his shit.

but as I have no financial security and don't want to leave my kids so I'm stuck. So I will now try to rectify the situation. I applaud everyone who has their s* together and hope they're never in this predicament. Hindsights a wonderful thing.

I personally would get a full time job so you can have more income but also get married for more financial security.

It doesn’t need to be a wedding, just do it the cheapest way possible and explain to family members that there’s no wedding as you’re not religious and don’t believe in it and are just doing it for security reasons, which they should understand.

I think people should live like their partner could die or run off with someone else at any minute.
Relying on someone too much is only going to end badly for you.

Exactly. Let’s stop acting like women have been tricked by men into part time work or staying at home. Most are more than happy to do it!
At the end of the day unless your partner is a mega earner who is saving a big chunk every month to make up for an employer matched pension then a woman surely knows they are making the decision to lose out financially.
This nonsense of ‘facilitating’ the partners career is rubbish and needs to stop being spouted.

Wtf! So you blame op for being manipulated into trusting the man she loves and hey her doing 14 years of ALL the grunt work is typical. I assume you are one of these low life men and won’t engage.

Op, you have posted, you now know it’s not too late to turn this around. You don’t get a FT job and pay HIS mortgage under any circumstances!!!!!!

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Your part time hours plus your physical labour in the home means you’re working really hard I’m sure. Housework is so physically demanding. It’s a full time bloody job in itself (and often a thankless job). It’d be nice for you to have more cash for when you retire. It’ll empower you. Hope you find a solution that keeps you all happy. WFH would be perfect. Sex phone line? ☎️ 🍆😉

The op is partly to blame though. She knew it was his house. She knew he wasn't for marrying her. She had more than one child with him. She chose to work part time.

Wtf @OddSockSeeker and sex phone line.

Grim.

I only work p/t. I work 3 full days a week. The rest of the time I am cleaning a 5 bed house, doing the garden, taking dog for a walk, school drop offs and pickups, all the washing, ironing, etc. etc.

My DH earns quite a lot, but does nothing else. He works away a lot and I’m left with all the emotional baggage.

To say I’m lazy is insulting. I am on the go from 0600 till 2000 till I flop on the sofa. I
go the gym, but that’s the only time I get off.

i don’t care if people think my DH is shouldering the financial load and I made damn sure I’m on the deeds and my state and private pension is sured up. Any savings we have I insist are 50% in my name.

My DH sometimes rumbles about f/t work, but he seems to think that involves me doing f/t and doing all the above family work too.

No way Jose.

You do realise that your husband is taking YOU to the cleaners under the current arrangement…

That's a joke, right?

@BigChesterDraws … I’m not entirely in agreement with this pooled finances scenario.

My DH isn’t fantastic with money management, though he has savings he always lives close to the wire with current account.

I am the opposite; I have multiple accounts to squirrel money into, and am very conscientious.

We have equal payments filtered to an account for DC/bills etc so that everything is fair.

I know if DH had access to all funds there would be far less in there and we wouldn’t have the same security that we do.

Having separate finances has saved the bacon a number of times for us.

So I think it’s immensely unfair to say that OP’s situation with separate finances is unworkable, it isn’t.

The main issue is the lack of legal protection via marriage, name on mortgage, working together for shared goals via joint savings/current account.

I don’t see anything wrong with having individual accounts for initial income/own money, as long as both parties can see what’s going on from time to time. People can have different money management styles which can be beneficial.

Yes I do, he knows what he's doing he's not daft. The thing is when I worked full time and put exactly half into the pot every month I did question him that i was paying half towards a mortgage that's not mine. His response was his half pays the mortgage then. So basically I was paying for the utilities, council tax and food. Was that fair....I don't know??

Mean with money, mean with love.

Do you feel loved?

So why go on to have two children with him if it was so unfair?

You’ve said the mortgage is low, so if you paying half the mortgage was the equivalent or even less than rent then it’s not inherently unfair. You would pay for utilities and food whether he owned the house or not. Why should you have lived in the house for free when you worked full time?

Not particularly but hey ho!

Of course not, why should you pay 100% of all bills, food etc, whilst he just feathers his own nest?

By saying that you weren't paying half the mortgage you don't even have an equitable claim on the house.

As I've mentioned hindsights a wonderful thing. And you think the 50/50 was a fair arrangement so I appreciate your opinion.

This seems like a very nickel-and-dime relationship, tbh. Midlife is a time when you suddenly realise what you are doing and what you have done. Often, with kids, you are too busy to realise earlier.

Start making slow plans to get a full time job and leave. I know that will be overwhelming. Don't post on AIBU. It's full of posters just hanging around to kick you when you are down. Post on other forums.

@Lazym No not fair at all, I think you have to insist on your name on the mortgage particularly if you are going to work full time and contribute more.

Even thinking about inheritance tax, your kids are going to be hit with the current arrangement.

You can get a postnup drawn up if he is worried about you taking all in the event of divorce. It isn’t binding as it would be in US, however as far as I understand it courts look favourably upon them and would need a very strong argument to discount them. I’m getting one to protect me and DC. It might help your DH feel more comfortable with letting go of control.

Thank you, I appreciate it.

Well I'm certainly not a man and whatever makes you think the OP was "manipulated" into the arrangement? Do you think she's got no agency, brain cells or a tongue in her head?

Couldn't say No to children unless and until they were married?
Couldn't say No to moving into his house without discussing her financial stability and share of assets IF they were to break up in the future?

Are you saying she was helpless in the face of his charms? That she had NO say in any of it???

You ought to check your misogyny.