Friend a total CF and disrespected my house

[Bubbly8382]

Hi

Still fizzing about this and would like some perspective before I either bin this friendship or create further distance.

long and short of it I have a pal who I’ve known over 20+ years and haven’t seen since way before the pandemic.

Ask if they can come up to visit me in me for a couple of days, obviously not a problem.

Its a long trip to mine, 12 hour drive, and they decided to commute by car.

Things started off fine but a few things made my blood absolutely boil.

1. Friend smokes, I don’t and my partner is trying to quit. No issue with them smoking outside, but Friend stood in door way with all internal doors open so smoke drifted back into house making it stink.

2. Friend kept walking about the house belching loudly, when I said ‘excuse me maybe?’ They just laughed and continued doing it.

3. We had a take away one night, fish and chips, so oily wrappers. I have a suede leather sofa (you can see where I’m going) They were given a tray but decided to put the wrapper on the couch, staining it with oil, obviously I was quite upset about it, and I just got a feeble apology and no offer to help clean it, just continued to sit there eating loudly and burping away.

4. Last but by far the worst……
   Friend advised they would be leaving the early hours to get home, again not a problem, and agreed for 5am…… Friend decides to get up at 3am, crash around like a herd of elephants, crashed around the kitchen getting food

(For context the sleeping area in my home is the opposite end from the kitchen on the same floor, but you can close the internal doors and then no one is disturbed)

I obviously angrily got up and made a sarcastic comment along the lines of ‘You’d make a shit ninja’ to which they laughed and said ‘I wasn’t that loud’

My partner and I had work that day, needless to say we were exhausted with our 3am wake up!

Im livid, and I never want them to stay again or at the moment see them again!

AIBU??

I don't really think you're slow/simple/thick! I genuinely think if someone were confused they would be, but I feel like the usual MN claim of confusion is disingenuous. It's opposition couched as confusion. I'm sorry if I assumed wrongly though.

That's how I read the first post. More than one person

If people don't want this sort of derailment then they could make it dead easy.

@Kingsparkle That is exactly why I ALWAYS use she if I don't know.Redress the balance a bit.

Love this :)

Along with a number of other posters I was genuinely confused about how many people OP was talking about. If that makes me slow / simple / thick (in addition to anti-trans, as detailed in a follow up post) so be it. Own your words. No apoloies are necessary - you're perfectly entitled to have a dissenting opinion, and you're perfectly entitled to assign negative charactistics to other posters.

I think the problem is that the friendship has run its course for the OP but not for the old friend. They acted like an intimate member of the family but OP was expecting something a bit more thoughtful and respectful.

*Apologies, not apoloies!

And "characteristics" too. Should not post on my phone - I can't read it properly!

I’m still genuinely unsure whether the poster had one friend, or several, to stay

In the OP, Op puts that they have "a pal" who asked if they could stay.

who the hell plates fish and chips? the entire point and benefit of takeaway is the lack of washing up.

I've just re-read the OP with an open mind and agree, the use of they/them seems unusual i.e it would have been totally appropriate to have used he/him throughout.

That said, I didn't think the OP was talking about more than one person at any stage because it is very clear in the title and second sentence.

If we're having them at home we always plate them up.
It's easier to eat that way and doesn't get all soft and soggy.

Do you also eat Indian take away straight out of the tin foil trays?

They sound a bit gross but theres nothing there that couldn't have been dealt with by being assertive and direct.

One night if noise is annoying but I'd overlook it for a close friend that I liked a lot. You dont sound like you really like them.

Your( hopefully ex) friend was mannerless and ignorant
The fish and chips on the sofa is the worst for me
Your friend must've sat on a sofa before and realised oily wrappers carelessly put on suede would cause damage and inconvenience
She just doesn't care and used your home as a trip away
I wouldn't want someone like that as a friend

If you read the rest of it, plenty of people do! I don't want grease on my sofa, dining table etc at home!

Sometimes we do!

They sound a bit inconsiderate, but it also sounds like you could have addressed every single one of these issues yourself. They haven't done anything terrible to you, just been very thoughtless.

They don't sound like a considerate guest.

You sound like my mother OP. Would I fuck want a friend behaving like my mother towards me.

Yes it's your home, and your rules, fine. But they are your guest.

I've gone outside for a cig at friends houses, and gone to shut the door behind me and they've told me not to bother. Or I've gone to go at the bottom of their garden for a cig, and been told not to bother. Just tell them you want them to shut the door behind them when they have a cig, not hard is it? Everyone has different rules in their home, you cannot expect them to know.

Have you got a photo of the grease mark? I may be wrong, but I'm honestly struggling to imagine that a loose, crumpled chip paper on the couch (ie not flat and pressed against the couch) would leave such a mark. Is it careless? Yes. Is it malicious? No. They just didn't think.

Sofas get marks on them. You clean them. Just tell them not to put the chip paper on it?

As far as them getting up at 3am, they probably wanted a sharp exit from your bitching so made tracks earlier. Like another poster said, I would have had a cuppa and seen them off. I can't imagine laying in bed whilst my friend who lives 12 hours away (or whatever) leaves after staying with me.

I also couldn't get worked up by a friend belching. But then with my friends, there's no falseness. We're close, we share things, we burp and fart like other humans. We don't hide it in each others homes. There's no need for a friend at my home to excuse themselves every 2 minutes when they burp, which sounds like they're having some sort of gasto trouble after the takeaway, anyway. It's pointless. They're a friend, not an acquaintance.

The only thing here I can half understand is the couch and chip paper. I can understand someone not wanting cig smoke wafting into their home, but yabu to not tell them to just close the door ffs.

What strikes me about your post OP is that your guest was doing things you didn't like, smoking, staining your sofa, crashing around at 3.00 am..all things that are inconsiderate. You confronted him about this and he "laughed it off"

I think that is why you have got so annoyed about it. If you are a guest and asked not to do something and your response is to "laugh it off" it's the same as saying I don't take you seriously and I'm going to do what I like because I'm not listening to your trivial complaints ha ha.

Sometimes its hard enough to ask a guest to their face to stop doing things, but harder still when they laugh it off as a joke. It makes it difficult to keep repeating your request.

This would annoy me more than the actual things he did TBH

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff they only laughed at "excuse me maybe?" (some people might apologise but I might do a fake polite laugh too, to defuse tension from a controlling host. I wouldn't belch in the first place but even if I did, don't act like my mother!) and "shit ninja" (polite laughter re passive aggressive joke). They apologised for the sofa

I would have said everybody beyond teenage years would plate up their takeaway meal that they are eating at home!

Okay then, I do stand by my words that anyone confused probably has literacy / reading comprehension struggles in general. Which there's nothing wrong with – I'm shit / thick at maths so there's that.

You savage!

Toenailz im all for people feeling comfortable when they are visiting but I don't want a belching and farting free for all.