Friend a total CF and disrespected my house

[Bubbly8382]

Hi

Still fizzing about this and would like some perspective before I either bin this friendship or create further distance.

long and short of it I have a pal who I’ve known over 20+ years and haven’t seen since way before the pandemic.

Ask if they can come up to visit me in me for a couple of days, obviously not a problem.

Its a long trip to mine, 12 hour drive, and they decided to commute by car.

Things started off fine but a few things made my blood absolutely boil.

1. Friend smokes, I don’t and my partner is trying to quit. No issue with them smoking outside, but Friend stood in door way with all internal doors open so smoke drifted back into house making it stink.

2. Friend kept walking about the house belching loudly, when I said ‘excuse me maybe?’ They just laughed and continued doing it.

3. We had a take away one night, fish and chips, so oily wrappers. I have a suede leather sofa (you can see where I’m going) They were given a tray but decided to put the wrapper on the couch, staining it with oil, obviously I was quite upset about it, and I just got a feeble apology and no offer to help clean it, just continued to sit there eating loudly and burping away.

4. Last but by far the worst……
   Friend advised they would be leaving the early hours to get home, again not a problem, and agreed for 5am…… Friend decides to get up at 3am, crash around like a herd of elephants, crashed around the kitchen getting food

(For context the sleeping area in my home is the opposite end from the kitchen on the same floor, but you can close the internal doors and then no one is disturbed)

I obviously angrily got up and made a sarcastic comment along the lines of ‘You’d make a shit ninja’ to which they laughed and said ‘I wasn’t that loud’

My partner and I had work that day, needless to say we were exhausted with our 3am wake up!

Im livid, and I never want them to stay again or at the moment see them again!

AIBU??

Belching wouldn't bother me.

I didn't realise they apologised for the sofa.

I guess it centers on did they stop doing it after they were asked.

"Reading comprehension struggles" is quite a whitewash on what you actually said, but good on you for owning it, at least.

I do that often, and I like it when others do that. In many situations though, I prefer "they" for clarity and inclusiveness.

"If any member has questions/would like to contribute their research, they can..."

versus

"If any member has questions/would like to contribute her research, she can..."

The former makes for better communication to a mass audience – especially (but not only) when addressing young people and I want to encourage as many as possible.

If it were mutually exclusive, I'd definitely choose "she" over "he", but luckily it's not and "they" exists. ;)

We've already been through how repeated uses of "he/she" or "he or she" can get clunky.

Which is still a different use to this OP. In the case of "if any member has any question they can ask...." you are still referring to potentially multiple people or maybe only one person but one possible person out of many in a presumably mixed sex audience. It's still a case of using "they" because the speaker does not know the sex in question. OP did know the sex and was choosing to clunkily obscure it.

In addition to the hypothetical use function, I've already been through the anonymity function, which has been used since the beginning of time. So let's not go in circles.

I do find they on Mumsnet particularly unclear. It's often difficult to distinguish whether the OP is referring to one child or twins. And it is a little tedious. Babies are unlikely to have identified as non binary.

Personally, I wish we could have a new gender neutral pronoun. I know people say "they" has been used for this purpose for many years- but it really has never been in general use. I think we should make a concerted effort to normalise a new third person pronoun. Maybe Ze?

@CurlewKate - I like "Ze" - it has a lovely ring to it, and would go some way in clearing up the difference between plural and non binary subjects in written English.

I stand with you OP

I really feel like it's in general/casual use for unidentified gender? Eg this was literally the first MN thread I just clicked on – "Does your line manager already know? They're absolutely the first point of call to 'own up' to."

I've honestly never associated it with the non binary thing in casual use. The only time I have was in a Guardian article where they (there we go!) kept using "they" to alternately refer to (1) Sam Smith alone and (2) Sam Smith AND another celebrity. That was a real headache

I think they were very disrespectful of your house and the fact that you and your partner obviously didn't want to be woken at 3.00am. It's just bad manners how she was behaving. Have you ever spent nights at each other's before? It could be that that's how she behaves in her own house & she just doesn't have any social graces or respect in it her people's? I belch lots,at home but wouldn't at most of my friend's houses but then there are some who I'd have no problem doing it infrint of. Smokewise, if she smokes at home in her own house, she's probably immune to the fact that it stinks so much. However, once again, pretty thoughtless & bad manners. She should have tried to be as quiet as possible so as not to disturb you, so bad manners & thoughtlessness once again.

What's her actual personality like? Is,she fun to be with? Did you enjoy spending time with her? If she's a nice person & a good friend, I wouldn't dump the friendship but I'd be firmer about the way she treated your house. The wrapper on the sofa was really thoughtless & she should've been more apologetic over that.

What is with all these responses? All of the behaviour mentioned is horrible and you should never speak to this person again

He’s just rude, not a CF.

Annoying when posters draw people in to their threads by putting CF in the title.

Why come on here moaning about your mate when all you had to do was tell them how you felt?
Or is that why you're whinging, you failed to be more forthright?

You sound petty. You are not telling her not to but you are annoyed she carries on. You. Need tk work in your boundaries AND communication skills. YABVU to say she should guess how annoyed you are

Lots of very high and mighty people commenting here.
Just because you will tolerate that sort of shit, doesn’t mean everyone will or even should. I’m with OP, all of that would piss me off no end.

You posted in AIBU. It's a shit-hole of contrarians.

None of this sounds that bad sorry! If my friend can’t burp in front of me then we aren’t very good friends. The smoke wouldn’t bother me and neither would the 3am wake up. The only thing that would niggle me would be the oil on the couch.

Some things (friendships) from the past are best left there. Things you did together and found amusing etc are no longer so. You've both moved on.

You’re home is your home and you are entitled to be respected. Let them know the damage to the sofa and just ask them to cover the bill. You can be the one to laugh then at their reaction when they ask if you’re serious 😂

What inconsiderate pratts
whether or not you gave them a tray has nothing to do with it ! Putting greasy anything on the arm of a sofa is just bad manners!
send them a bill for the cleaning!
mom on your side! I would be livid!

• I’m on your side ( not ‘mom’ auto correct!)

12 hours is a long way to travel to visit a friend. I have some friends who I’d be lucky to come three hours. Are you sure there was no positive aspect to the visit

Such a MN response 😂

My advice is the end the friendship with such tasteless and classless people.

I'm totally with you.
YANBU
Don't ever ever have them stay and please do not feel guilty .
I'm totally with you here. I would be very very pissed off. And hope the stain on sofa gets raised off.