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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He's eaten before our date

355 replies

waitingforautumn · 03/07/2023 17:04

Not a first date, several in. He was supposed to be taking me out tonight but he's messaged during the day to say that he's got a load of leftovers in that he needs to eat so he will eat first (before a walk/drink in his area). I'm the one who's travelling to see him and would need to spend on a taxi home given our locations. I don't expect dinner on him or anything, I always split bills, but it would be nice if we could enjoy some food and drink together after this walk! I can appreciate that if his housemates are in this eve it might not be easy to switch to having a night in, so I won't question that - however if it were me I would let the leftovers sit and find something we could eat/drink together!! AIBU that this has p'd me off? I feel a bit deflated as was excited to see him. Why eat first like it's some sort of job? Knowing your date won't have eaten after a day at work?!

Last date was a gig that he arranged so we didn't have food then either but it was fine as could bring snacks etc and went for a drink after. Would have been nice for dinner to have been factored in. He does seem to be a fan of chilled dates like food markets/picnics, helps that it is summer. But it would be nice for things to be a bit more planned. I feel bad suggesting dinners in case it's a money thing. But being early days it's nice to go out and feel like you're being spoilt a bit?! Maybe I'm just grumpy because it's Monday and I didn't enjoy the lunch I had a few hrs ago!! What's your take?

OP posts:
MeinKraft · 03/07/2023 20:16

bussteward · 03/07/2023 20:08

I love leftovers but they’re very domestic: I don’t want to know about someone’s Tupperware of pasta in the fridge a few dates in. He might as well text that he’ll be a bit late as he’s hoovering the skirting boards and putting the bins out. No. This is the fun, sexy part! Not the “bowl of old rice covered in cling film” part!

A reply basically saying 'but what about me I want you to arrange my dinner' is also unsexy. I think you're on different pages OP, he sounds a bit more easy going and you sound like you want to be wined and dined.

Stirredandconfused678 · 03/07/2023 20:17

DeliciouslyDecadent · 03/07/2023 20:08

The expectation to eat was all in the OP's head @Stirredandconfused678

The date was a walk then a drink. That was what she'd agreed to.

It’s almost him saying “not letting the food in my fridge go to waste is more important than our evening together”

I think you have gone from A to Z in one big jump. It doesn't say that at all.

Why does eating beforehand (for a walk) say he cares more food than her?

No critical thinking at all in that comment.

He is clearly broke. He didn't want to be embarrassed when they met so he pre-empted it by telling her in advance that he would get his own meal at home.

If she wants wine, dining and roses, he's not the guy for her.

<Sigh>. Is anyone else getting fed up of posters criticising your “critical thinking” capabilities when you simply disagree with their opinion? It’s so superior!

I am reasonably intelligent and can form my own view on this thanks very much.

Why would he text op about eating leftovers at all if food wasn’t at least vaguely on the cards?

Meowandthen · 03/07/2023 20:18

CBA to read 10 pages but just ask him directly if money is a bit tight. Be an adult.

Nothing wrong with meeting for a walk and a chat. Some of you sound like spoiled princesses. Dating doesn’t have to about someone spending money on you FGS.

MrsWiggwiggs · 03/07/2023 20:28

ComtesseDeSpair · 03/07/2023 17:16

He’s let you know in advance rather than sprung it on you upon arrival with no option to get something yourself, and clearly still wants to see you. If he doesn’t have the money to “spoil” you then he doesn’t have it. Would you really want somebody you barely know getting into debt to buy you dinner? If you want to date wealthy men only then be upfront about that right at the start.

Agreed. And to be honest, is it even a money thing anyway? I like to decide on the meals I’m having for the week, do the food shop, and then have them accordingly. I’ve sometimes found that if we go out for dinner unexpectedly then meals upon meals just get wasted as I’m not a huge fan of freezing things for later. I think he’s been courteous in letting you know he’s eating, so that you don’t turn up and go hungry. Maybe he’s healthy eating and has stuff in, maybe the guy doesn’t like a ‘formal’ sit down meal, or maybe the guy just fancies a wander and a bev tonight and didn’t think that not going for food would be such a big deal 🤷🏼‍♀️

SayHi · 03/07/2023 20:29

Wheredoistart78 · 03/07/2023 19:44

@SayHi it's lovely to go for a walk. I'm seeing the most wonderful man for almost two years and we go for a walk every week 😊

It's so easy, no dressing up and all the craic, we talk, laugh, hold hands.

Love it!

I’m glad I’m not the only one!

Hopefully most men don’t think like many of these posters do 😁

Summerskies2023 · 03/07/2023 20:29

I have also had guys say this. It's because they don't want to spend any money. I wouldn't be traveling to him for a walk date.

nopainnogain1 · 03/07/2023 20:32

I wouldn't think a single thing about this to be honest. So what? You're an adult woman. Feed yourself. It's not his responsibility to feed you, so I don't understand your problem with it all. Big fucking deal if he wants to eat left overs and conserve money. It's not his responsibility to ensure you're fed, but I think it's kind of nice that he gave you a heads-up.

Screamingabdabz · 03/07/2023 20:33

Tight arse is my call. Very unattractive. Cancel the taxi.

Highandlows · 03/07/2023 20:39

Skint or tight. If this frustrates you. It could be a red flag.

Supersimkin2 · 03/07/2023 20:42

Don’t go. Too much effort for no dinner.

albapunk · 03/07/2023 20:45

It makes me sad to see some of the comments on here. I haven't read them all but DP met me at a time where I was SKINT and I needed to make the most of things like leftovers. I wasn't joyless, selfish or uninterested in him. Thankfully he wasn't phased and we've been together a long time and are very happy with each other! I'd have been gutted if he was angry at me for this sort of thing.

Xeren · 03/07/2023 20:47

Flyawaytoday · 03/07/2023 19:37

Next time a woman posts that she works full time, does all the childcare, shopping, cooking and cleaning etc and her husband takes both the weekend lie ins and she’s exhausted and she gets loads of ‘why did you marry him?’ ‘Why did you have kids with him?’ posts - this. This is why. Because when they were dating and she had niggles and doubts and worries and concerns she was told ‘poor guy’ and that’s she’s a princess and has high expectations and to just date him anyway. And he’s used to his own way and not giving her any thought or consideration and it escalates and she’s been told she’s high maintenance so she allows him to and she stops asking for advice because she’s told she expects too much and she ends up in a situation where she’s asked why she married him 🙄

Thank you for putting into words what I was thinking.

OP is clearly put off and it’s a pattern of behaviour.

My DH loves to walk and many of our early dates and now family days out has been just walking and exploring, but we’ve always been flexible to stop and get food / drink / rest when one of us needs to.

The rigidity and tightness would put me right off, especially around food (because I’m very generous with food as well).

If OP really likes him, I would advise to still go and see how he is and have an honest conversation and then decide if she’s ok with it.

But she isn’t the devil incarnate if she isn’t.

Also, PP’s suggesting that maybe he’s just secretly poor and hiding it, like finances aren’t a massive part of relationships? And then in 5 years time; but why did you marry him???

EggInANest · 03/07/2023 20:47

Was dinner as part of the date ever mentioned?

I reckon skint, or eating disorder, or some sort of anxiety around eating. Or inconsiderate, tight, or not wanting to invest too much in your dates yet.

Only you can guess which is most likely and how important it is to you.

But feeling deflated before a date isn't a good sign, is it?

TheGreatATuin · 03/07/2023 20:48

Needmorelego · 03/07/2023 18:04

@PurpleButterflyWings well there’s two - because I agree with @Wheredoistart78 😂

Me too. I think this is just a case of different expectations. That wouldn't bother me. I'd just talk to him to clarify what we were doing.

Vinomummyinlockdown · 03/07/2023 20:54

Museya15 · 03/07/2023 18:29

What knob tells you he's eating leftovers!

🤣👏

pikkumyy77 · 03/07/2023 20:57

I think its a good rule of thumb for each party to do something requiring effort to make the date happen and be festive. If you are taxiing to him after work and he is just popping out of his house he is making 0 effort and you are making 2x effort.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/07/2023 20:59

WilkinsonM · 03/07/2023 17:05

So you're going straight from work and he's cancelled dinner because he's got leftovers to eat?
id be cancelling the date altogether. He's selfish.

I agree. Only caring about his own needs and not checking if that's ok with you. You could say 'ok I won't have eaten though so I'd like to go somewhere I can get some foos after the walk'

'I have leftovers to finish' is so boring for an early on date

MrsJBaptiste · 03/07/2023 21:03

I'd love this. I'm not interested in going out for dinner, drinks are much more my thing. If someone said they'd eaten first then bring it on - a walk then drinks is perfect.

Not read all the 10 pages so things may have moved on since the OP...?

DeliciouslyDecadent · 03/07/2023 21:13

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/07/2023 20:59

I agree. Only caring about his own needs and not checking if that's ok with you. You could say 'ok I won't have eaten though so I'd like to go somewhere I can get some foos after the walk'

'I have leftovers to finish' is so boring for an early on date

Show quote history

Reading comprehension is not all it could be sometimes.

Nowhere did the OP and this bloke agree to have dinner @WilkinsonM and @Unexpectedlysinglemum

Original poster
waitingforautumn · 03/07/2023 21:16

Hi everyone - thanks for all your replies and discussion, tbh I've been blown away by some of your support! 💐 haven't disappeared however I have been busy having a lovely evening in with my housemate with wine + pasta.

Just want to clear up some things as my post was written hurriedly:
Yes we are both under 30, in London, where unless you are ££££ it is house shares sadly, wish I could change that. I don't want to stay over w him yet - we've been dating for 1.5mos. He gets that I enjoy dates outside the flats and has been respectful of this.

Yes I was straight from work

Original plan he suggested was to go for a quiz night at a bar quite far away (a solid hr away) - no mention of food, I just assumed we'd get something or other out. I asked if we could do that quiz night another day since it's far from where I'd need to travel from tonight. He suggested it on the day so can't have taken much thought.

Instead I proposed that I come his way for the above walk/pub trip (assuming there'd be something for us both at the pub) OR that he could come to my area where there's a bunch of food/drink options, food halls etc ... To which he said the walk/drink would be preferable over the food/drink options my way as he had the leftovers, which slashed my hopes of getting something/anything out as part of a shared experience. It would be not ideal to force something down before travelling to him, though I could technically sort myself out.

I defo don't expect to be "spoiled" per se and sorry if I come across like a princess - haven't even been seeing him for two months yet so glad there are some responses on here which agree that this is his window to be trying to impress!!! I just like initiative and the guy suggesting things that I might not have thought of, valuing meals out, being considerate of my comfort...

OP posts:
category12 · 03/07/2023 21:17

I don't think there's anything wrong in wanting your date to make a bit of effort.

He'll have eaten already, they're meeting in his area, she's getting a taxi home. He's not exactly setting the world alight with romantic fervour, is he?

It just sounds like he's fitting her in and can't be arsed.

UrsulaIsMyQueen · 03/07/2023 21:17

So there was never actually a dinner plan? You just had it in your head that you wanted to get dinner out?

Phobiaphobic · 03/07/2023 21:19

He can't be arsed, or tight, or both. Either way, if he isn't making an effort now, if dump him.

HopelessEstateAgents · 03/07/2023 21:20

So you cancelled the date?

Original poster
waitingforautumn · 03/07/2023 21:22

I did assume we would eat out. My bad ! We've had nearly ten dates now so id have have thought we are past the "just a drink" phase. For me, just going out for drinks = a first date.

OP posts: