He's eaten before our date

[waitingforautumn]

Not a first date, several in. He was supposed to be taking me out tonight but he's messaged during the day to say that he's got a load of leftovers in that he needs to eat so he will eat first (before a walk/drink in his area). I'm the one who's travelling to see him and would need to spend on a taxi home given our locations. I don't expect dinner on him or anything, I always split bills, but it would be nice if we could enjoy some food and drink together after this walk! I can appreciate that if his housemates are in this eve it might not be easy to switch to having a night in, so I won't question that - however if it were me I would let the leftovers sit and find something we could eat/drink together!! AIBU that this has p'd me off? I feel a bit deflated as was excited to see him. Why eat first like it's some sort of job? Knowing your date won't have eaten after a day at work?!

Last date was a gig that he arranged so we didn't have food then either but it was fine as could bring snacks etc and went for a drink after. Would have been nice for dinner to have been factored in. He does seem to be a fan of chilled dates like food markets/picnics, helps that it is summer. But it would be nice for things to be a bit more planned. I feel bad suggesting dinners in case it's a money thing. But being early days it's nice to go out and feel like you're being spoilt a bit?! Maybe I'm just grumpy because it's Monday and I didn't enjoy the lunch I had a few hrs ago!! What's your take?

This website baffles me sometimes. We are in a cost of living crisis, plenty of people struggling to make ends meet but because he’s a male, it’s sounding from a lot of posters that there is a reason to judge him.

OP you aren’t making sense, you say that you are happy to pay your way, go halves etc but on the other hand say that you want to be spoiled. So it sounds like you’d be hoping he would foot the bill which is unreasonable and contradicts what you said about being happy to go halves and indicates there would be an air of judgement if he didn’t pay.

Sounds like he can’t win really.

To me it sounds like money may be tight

He's making zero effort, not even thinking about your comfort. You'll obviously be hungry in the evening after work. Don't settle for the dregs, you can do better.

@SayHi it's lovely to go for a walk. I'm seeing the most wonderful man for almost two years and we go for a walk every week 😊

It's so easy, no dressing up and all the craic, we talk, laugh, hold hands.

Love it!

It sounds as if the relationship is in its very early days.

The OP says she will need to get a taxi home. Does that mean she isn't staying overnight, they don't yet sleep together, or there is some other reason why she can't stay overnight?

Of course she doesn't have to sleep with him. maybe his house share setup doesn't 'allow' people to stay overnight.

Her posts come across like someone dating in the 1950s who expects to be winded and dined, not a mature self-sufficient woman who can sort out her own meals and not expect 'the date man' to dovetail his eating with hers.

He told her in advance. Plenty of time to make plans for either a bigger lunch, or going to see him slightly later (so she can eat first at home), or just suggest she will grab a bite in the pub or cafe.

@waitingforautumn Why can't he come over to see you? Why don't you offer to cook for him at your place? (if eating together is so important.)
Do you expect men to do all the running? Does he ever come to your home?

If you're going straight from work I'd message him telling him you need to eat, so you're going to have to cancel!

Nothing wrong with having standards for how you expect others to treat you and be considerate of you, don't let people here convince yourself it is unreasonable. Dating is to find the right person for YOU, not accept poor treatment for their convenience.

Christ stop infantilising this woman!

Her food is not his responsibility. She is not a child.

He messaged her beforehand. It wasn't as if a meal was planned then cancelled.

She is utterly capable ( we hope) of eating when they meet, or arriving slightly later having eaten at home.

'Don't settle for the dregs'

No just behave like someone a bit hopeless who can't manage their own meals.

Or arrive an hour later.

Some people like going for walks. And at some point you have to travel to go on walks because you've exhausted all the ones in your area - or because the ones in another area are nice walks that warrant the travel time.
May not float your boat but on a warm Monday night I'd prefer a nice walk to an expensive dinner date.

Although you say you always split the bill perhaps he doesn’t have the finances for his half.
Maybe next time he could cook for you and with wine, beer etc drank at home it would keep the cost down.
A nice walk then a picnic or meal at his sounds great.
Then you reciprocate next time.
Theres no need to spend much if you like each other nor does spending lots of money prove that he is worthy of your company.

There’s so little information on the OP to jump to any conclusions.

She doesn’t say she’s going straight from work, just that she’s been at work all day. Would anyone here go on a date early in the relationship (calling it that for ease) without having a freshen up and change of clothes after working all day?

And I still think it totally depends on what’s been agreed. If dinner was planned then yea he’s being a total twat. But if it was just a casual walk and drink then she’s being presumptuous to assume there’s a meal at the end.

Its all about communication and tbh I would say this pair are on very different pages

It's shocking how when half the posts on MN are about the cost of living and how no one can manage, that this guy is coming under some much criticism for living within his means (and possibly on the breadline.)

The OP hasn't told him she'd go halves- she says 'I always split bills, ' but that doesn't mean she's done it with him.

All the tosh about eat the leftovers another day- well, maybe they will be off by tomorrow?

I think she's a bit insensitive because anyone else might have said 'Sure, that's fine, eating out is expensive ' [even a pub meal is a tenner at least.] 'I;ll grab something before I set out. Might be slightly later in arriving'.

To me a walk is not a date. Clearly is to others but I don't want to go on a walk. Drinks and dinner yes, walking about aimlessly, not for me.

The 'eating leftovers' would put me off a man. He's either tight or skint, both are a complete no no for me. He could freeze his leftovers.

I don’t think it’s about a grown woman not being able to organise food for herself either! Of course she can do that any night of the week!

If there hadn’t been an expectation about eating then he wouldn’t have bothered to text her to say he was prioritising his leftovers and eating alone would he?

It’s almost him saying “not letting the food in my fridge go to waste is more important than our evening together”. Really unattractive and a big red flag if you ask me but each to their own!

If he is broke then a much better way of approaching it would have been to say “I hope you don’t mind but I am rustling up a picnic for us both tonight made out of the contents of my fridge. Be prepared for experimental cooking!” or something along those lines. And that would demonstrate that he has some manners and initiative and is not only thinking about his own convenience but about op too.

Yeah, I'd send this. You have to eat.

Just eat before you go & don’t expect the world to revolve around your dinner.

That said, I'd probably just get a sandwich somewhere. I can definitely relate to eating leftovers to save money. I

The expectation to eat was all in the OP's head @Stirredandconfused678

The date was a walk then a drink. That was what she'd agreed to.

It’s almost him saying “not letting the food in my fridge go to waste is more important than our evening together”

I think you have gone from A to Z in one big jump. It doesn't say that at all.

Why does eating beforehand (for a walk) say he cares more food than her?

No critical thinking at all in that comment.

He is clearly broke. He didn't want to be embarrassed when they met so he pre-empted it by telling her in advance that he would get his own meal at home.

If she wants wine, dining and roses, he's not the guy for her.

Nah, me neither. Especially not a walk with the chance to eat and have a drink.

I love leftovers but they’re very domestic: I don’t want to know about someone’s Tupperware of pasta in the fridge a few dates in. He might as well text that he’ll be a bit late as he’s hoovering the skirting boards and putting the bins out. No. This is the fun, sexy part! Not the “bowl of old rice covered in cling film” part!

I think I’d be cancelling.

”No problem let’s meet up for dinner as planned another day”

It obviously was the plan or he wouldn’t be telling her he now didn’t want dinner.

I think he’s selfish. It’s obvious the OP will need something to eat.

I’m also someone who likes a date to be sitting and chatting over dinner or a drink - but if just a drink, I’d only want to do that if I was coming from home having eaten, not straight from work. Equally, a walk is nice but only if that was the original plan, and I had dressed for it and wasn’t expecting to be having dinner together.

So he gets leftovers.. You get to travel to him at your cost and not even a butty? Bet he has £££££ in the bank and a string of skint exes...

How about you arrange the date next time OP?

Why not invite him out to dinner for the next date?