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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He's eaten before our date

355 replies

waitingforautumn · 03/07/2023 17:04

Not a first date, several in. He was supposed to be taking me out tonight but he's messaged during the day to say that he's got a load of leftovers in that he needs to eat so he will eat first (before a walk/drink in his area). I'm the one who's travelling to see him and would need to spend on a taxi home given our locations. I don't expect dinner on him or anything, I always split bills, but it would be nice if we could enjoy some food and drink together after this walk! I can appreciate that if his housemates are in this eve it might not be easy to switch to having a night in, so I won't question that - however if it were me I would let the leftovers sit and find something we could eat/drink together!! AIBU that this has p'd me off? I feel a bit deflated as was excited to see him. Why eat first like it's some sort of job? Knowing your date won't have eaten after a day at work?!

Last date was a gig that he arranged so we didn't have food then either but it was fine as could bring snacks etc and went for a drink after. Would have been nice for dinner to have been factored in. He does seem to be a fan of chilled dates like food markets/picnics, helps that it is summer. But it would be nice for things to be a bit more planned. I feel bad suggesting dinners in case it's a money thing. But being early days it's nice to go out and feel like you're being spoilt a bit?! Maybe I'm just grumpy because it's Monday and I didn't enjoy the lunch I had a few hrs ago!! What's your take?

OP posts:
Needmorelego · 03/07/2023 19:21

@supersop60 I think it’s about 6 of us now 😂
A walk and a drink sounds a lovely relaxing date.
Going to dinner sounds boring.
Of all the mumsnet phrases out there “go out for a nice meal” is like fingers down a blackboard to me 😂
Well either the OP cancelled or didn’t. Maybe we will find out tomorrow.

Begonne · 03/07/2023 19:22

If you do go ahead, lay out your needs and preferences clearly. You could stop for food along the way and let him know that you’ll be later and why. Or reschedule to another evening as a pp suggested.

But don’t put yourself at a disadvantage by accommodating him silently (which is a huge issue in female socialisation). If needing to communicate that bluntly isn’t comfortable you might want to let this one pass.

DeliciouslyDecadent · 03/07/2023 19:22

MeinKraft · 03/07/2023 19:20

'It’s the fact that he has prioritised HIS dinner without caring or even enquiring about what op is going to eat, having come straight from work. '

He's only met her like 3 times, it's not like they're married

Fucking bonkers.

They are a few dates in and he's supposed to feel responsible in some way for her meals.

They are going for a DRINK. Now what else do places that sell drinks also sell ?

Have a guess. Maybe something starting with F...

CurlyhairedAssassin · 03/07/2023 19:23

What does "he was supposed to be taking me out tonight" even mean? It's like something from the 1950s. No woman gets "taken out" by a man these days, surely? To my mind a discussion about what's happening on a date is a mutual decision. So if you agree on a walk and a drink, discuss what the timings mean in terms of eating. is this a walk after dinner? Or before? And are you both just eating before you meet or sometime that evening because the time you meet will depend on that if you are coming from work. No assumptions, you need to DISCUSS. YOu're all so wierd with a huge lack of communication skills! This really should be a very straightforward conversation.

MeinKraft · 03/07/2023 19:24

Suprima · 03/07/2023 18:52

A WALK AND A DRINK IN HIS AREA??

i literally can’t cope with the brass neck of this man

he drags you around like a dog, goes for a drink where you pay for your own £5 drink and then wants you to go back to his because you are close by

He doesn’t even want to eat a meal with you!

what is wrong with you??? Why don’t you know your own worth?!! Why are falling for this low effort shite?

Drags you around like a dog Hmm

Sissynova · 03/07/2023 19:25

Stirredandconfused678 · 03/07/2023 19:09

No it’s not this! The op has stated she’s fine going halves. It’s the fact that he has prioritised HIS dinner without caring or even enquiring about what op is going to eat, having come straight from work. It’s very poor basic manners imho. And shows zero awareness of how others might feel.

Op I think I would be replying, “In that case, as I was coming straight from work, I think it’s best you enjoy your leftovers alone and I will do the same. Enjoy!”

Show quote history

Why does he have to enquire what OP is going to eat after work? Is she a toddler who needs a man to baby her and make sure she she has all her meals or is she a grown woman perfectly capable of sorting her own dinner between work and meeting someone for a drink?

CapEBarra · 03/07/2023 19:26

Prob too late now. I’d have left it a bit and replied, ‘No worries. I’ve arranged to go out with my friend for dinner instead. If you’re around at the weekend give me a shout’.

Confusion101 · 03/07/2023 19:27

Sounds like a lovely date imo. Totally agree with the handful of people saying dinner is a boring date, especially in the early dates when it has the potential to be awkward as fuck!!!! If he rocked up and said "aw I've already eaten" that wouldn't be great but he actually thought ahead about you and let you know in advance.

Instead of throwing your toys out of your pram like others have suggested, could you just communicate with him like a normal human being and let him know you will need food? Maybe ye can go for a drink somewhere that also does food?

I don't expect dinner on him or anything, I always split bills
^^Does he know that? Is he OK with that? And as others have said, maybe he can't afford his half.

PeloMom · 03/07/2023 19:27

My take is- you’re not compatible (at least at this stage of life) and you shout cut your losses. You have every right to want to be treated a certain way (someone more considerate, more aligned with your lifestyle- dinners out, etc). He’s also entitled to want someone who has low expectations and is happy with drinks, legging it across town to see him etc.

Fobabett · 03/07/2023 19:30

I also think a walk and a drink is a decent date, i certainly wouldn't want to go for a walk with someone I didn't enjoy spending time with and didn't want to get to know better. If people don't like that or think it's not enough then perhaps it's just a mismatch, plenty more ways for a man to be kind and considerate than going out for a meal. I wonder if the message was an awkward- we haven't discussed dinner so I'll just put it out there and see what comes back. I'd have just replied okay cool, I'll be needing something to eat so will grab something with the drinks- you sure that's not more tempting than leftovers or something.

Backstreets · 03/07/2023 19:31

He’s skint and he should say so instead of looking like a fridge food fancier

Needmorelego · 03/07/2023 19:31

Maybe she missed a big giant hint -“I’m going to eat my leftovers” actually meant “Do you want to come round and share what’s left of my signature lasagne dish because everyone says it’s delicious” and he was waiting for her to say “Oh leftovers…what have you got? Enough for two”.
But who knows……

SquirrelySponges · 03/07/2023 19:31

I would say he can't afford the meal but is embarrassed to say but he clearly still wants to see you. It also depends what you planned. Was it to go for a walk and you presumed you would go for a meal after or did you plan to go for a meal and a walk? Maybe you just got different ends of the stick x

Chocolateship · 03/07/2023 19:33

I mean OP never mentions dinner in case he's skint, he probably assumes the same in reverse!

Flyawaytoday · 03/07/2023 19:37

Next time a woman posts that she works full time, does all the childcare, shopping, cooking and cleaning etc and her husband takes both the weekend lie ins and she’s exhausted and she gets loads of ‘why did you marry him?’ ‘Why did you have kids with him?’ posts - this. This is why. Because when they were dating and she had niggles and doubts and worries and concerns she was told ‘poor guy’ and that’s she’s a princess and has high expectations and to just date him anyway. And he’s used to his own way and not giving her any thought or consideration and it escalates and she’s been told she’s high maintenance so she allows him to and she stops asking for advice because she’s told she expects too much and she ends up in a situation where she’s asked why she married him 🙄

tolerable · 03/07/2023 19:38

a few dates in...you could keep it positive praps-state.."i wont have time tween finish work n travel there to eat" leftover what?how much you got? is it shareable/portable?or could you bring me a sandwhich ?or isit a decent chippy near you. ? Realistically a walk\drink absolutely doesnt even suggest it may incorporate dinner(regardless of who pays). Its concievable that its actually pretty considerate he mentioned it at all. no?

Notajollyholly · 03/07/2023 19:38

Different priorities I guess. Its a Monday casual date and it sounds like the guy would rather not waste money on a meal out when he's got food in the fridge. If he is house sharing space in the fridge or freezer will be limited so maybe freezing isn't such an easy option either. A bite to eat will end up costing £20 for his share. It really depends on how much op likes him otherwise, maybe the walk and drink was in his area because its a better scenery..who knows?
I think I may be a little disappointed if I'd been looking forward to eating out but as others have said sho could grab something environment route, eat at the pub or just suggest they take a rain check.

Wheredoistart78 · 03/07/2023 19:39

@Museya15 hardly, it would be my worst nightmare to go for food.

SayHi · 03/07/2023 19:39

billy1966 · 03/07/2023 19:19

This.

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Oh wow!

I always suggest a walk on dates!

I enjoy walking, I can’t always afford to eat out and I think it’s a nice way to get to know someone as there’s no worries about awkward silences.

I dread to think what men must say about me wanting to meet for a walk 😳

FETmum · 03/07/2023 19:39

What's the update, did you end up meeting up with him?

JudgeRudy · 03/07/2023 19:40

PurpleButterflyWings · 03/07/2023 18:02

LOL there's always one! 😆

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Well looks like there's two at least because I agree. Where does it say she's coming straight from work? Where does it say the date is 'just a walk'?
Sounds like he's saying you come over my way this time, I've taken you on a picnic/concert now let's walk into town and have a chat/drink. ....which sounds perfectly normal.
I really don't like how OP implied he 'managed to avoid eating out' before. He doesn't need to be skint. He just probably just doesn't want to waste money on eating out regularly.
I wonder how he'd feel reading this deducing that women expect a man to make a massive effort. She's getting a taxi yes, because presumably she wants to drink. That's for her benefit. I'll presume that on some other dates he took a taxi, or went without alcohol. So he's made an effort hasn't he. Maybe his friends are saying What! She coming over in her minging work clothes and not taking a shower?

ThinWomansBrain · 03/07/2023 19:41

I suppose it depends on whether you'd agreed in advance to eat out, or you'd just assumed that you would.
Bit late now for advice - I'd either have eaten on the way over, or as PP suggested, said "well I'll need to eat at some point as I'm coming straight from work"

agree with PPs - sounds like he maybe cash strapped and can't afford meals out every time he sees you.

SayHi · 03/07/2023 19:41

Flyawaytoday · 03/07/2023 19:37

Next time a woman posts that she works full time, does all the childcare, shopping, cooking and cleaning etc and her husband takes both the weekend lie ins and she’s exhausted and she gets loads of ‘why did you marry him?’ ‘Why did you have kids with him?’ posts - this. This is why. Because when they were dating and she had niggles and doubts and worries and concerns she was told ‘poor guy’ and that’s she’s a princess and has high expectations and to just date him anyway. And he’s used to his own way and not giving her any thought or consideration and it escalates and she’s been told she’s high maintenance so she allows him to and she stops asking for advice because she’s told she expects too much and she ends up in a situation where she’s asked why she married him 🙄

Jeez!

He’s literally eating some food before they meet.
It’s hardly the crime of the century.

HunkaMunkasslipper · 03/07/2023 19:41

I like how MN illustrates just how different we all are. I see some women think It's 'old fashioned' to be 'taken out' by a man.

I am a lesbian and still like being taken out!

I'd hate eating on my own in this situation-not if I was out with friends and they'd already eaten and I got something, but on a date? No thank you-I find that so weird.
I don't think OP is coming back.

Youthinkyoureuniqueyourejustastatistic · 03/07/2023 19:42

Lots of reason other than he’s selfish - maybe money or a food allergy/intolerance or even eating disorder or maybe a training/diet schedule he’s too embarrassed to explain to you a few dates in.

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