Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend has packed condoms for our holiday

171 replies

kissthefish · 03/07/2023 10:21

Going away with a good friend this month, for one week. We're both in our late forties. I've been really looking forward to it. I see it as a chance to spend time together when we haven't done much of that recently. Real life, with work and our teens, always seems to get in the way. Today we were chatting about the holiday and she told me that she's packed a box of condoms for the trip. I was a bit taken aback, as I thought it was going to be just us. I think it's fine to have a holiday liaison if you're in a group.
She has form for this, as she has organised dates on previous trips away, years ago. A quick shag is one thing, but then she obsesses over the guy in question, and it takes over a bit.
She says she doesn't plan to meet anyone there, and the condoms are a 'just in case'. She's definitely more of a man's woman overall, whereas I tend to prioritise the women in my life. Don't get me wrong, I'd love a bit of sex! But a holiday with one girlfriend possibly isn't the time or place.
Oh, and being the introvert I am, I'm more than happy to do our own thing sometimes. So it's not like I'm being intense. There's just something about bringing a man into the equation that changes the dynamic a bit.
And I have great fondness for this friend, in case someone says the Mumsnet classic 'you don't seem to like her very much'. Grin We've been friends for years and have gone through a lot together. But she can be self-absorbed and I think I need to be honest about that.
AIBU?

If you've found this page in search of condoms that have been tried and tested by fellow Mumsnet users, you might find our guide to the best condoms useful. Hope this helps! MNHQ

OP posts:
MySoCalledWife · 03/07/2023 14:18

Are you really planning to spend 24/7 together?

I’d find that a bit suffocating

should be possible for her (and you) to do your own thing for a bit?

MeridianB · 03/07/2023 14:21

My line in the sand is exactly this: if she has sex with men, fine. If she abandons me to have sex more than once or twice, not ok. If she takes up too much of the holiday with man chat, I will shut it down. If the holiday feels like a write-off because of the man thing, I won't do it again. And it will make me really question the friendship, as our values and priorities are too different.

Sounds like you have a very good plan.

She sounds like hard work. If she was like Samantha in SATC and just disappeared at midnight and was back with you for sightseeing/whatever at 10am then it wouldn't matter. No one wants a glorified teen mooning around after some random on holiday.

I agree with PP - set the rules now, so there are no excuses. Otherwise she will be stumbling in with her conquest at 2am and you will have nowhere to escape.

Dinopawus · 03/07/2023 14:29

I have sympathy OP. I went on a girls holiday a few years ago when one of our group of friends was just out of a long term relationship and looking for male validation. We completely sympathised with her coming to terms with the end of her relationship, but fuck me, she was a pain in the arse. She was constantly alert for the tiniest bit of male attention and the rest of us were alert for her safety.

It definitely wasn't the chillaxing week we had planned.

RoyalGala · 03/07/2023 14:35

This thread stinks of ‘let’s shame women, if they like casual sex!’
Men and women both have casual which is absolutely fine, providing it’s safe and consensual. Taking condoms is responsible, you don’t have to have sex, it’s a choice, if you have qualms about her having causal sex, then don’t go.

5128gap · 03/07/2023 14:39

I think you need a chat as it seems like your expectations are different. You want a girls holiday, she wants a girls on the pull holiday.
In reality I don't see how she can compartmentalise a couple of nights of sex with the rest of her time with you. A suitable man isnt going to drop into her bed after a day and night spent sight seeing. If she's planning on finding one, she's going to be on it until she does. If you're not of the same mind it's going to mean talking to yourself while she checks out the talent on the beach, nights stuck with the boring friend while she gets to know the potential lucky man. She won't want a friend she'll want a wing woman.
I had a friend like this and it got to the point where I'd have to say to her, no men tonight please. I wasn't even single and it was a massive pain.

Nowthenhere · 03/07/2023 14:39

Do you not feel used?
If I was planning a holiday so I could spend quality time with someone and they'd let me know that they were bringing condoms g to go off and meet strangers etc I would not feel wanted.

2bazookas · 03/07/2023 14:44

It's none of your business.

Very obviously, whenever the condoms are in play, you won't be present or involved. So it has no impact on you whatever.

user01082312345 · 03/07/2023 14:50

Are you guys sharing a hotel room? If so, then I wouldn't want her bringing a random guy back. That's putting your own personal safety at risk, plus it wouldn't be ideal having to wait until the guy left before returning to the room, or accidentally walking in on something you shouldn't see! If you have separate rooms, then I suppose it's her own personal business what she chooses to do, or who she decides to bring back. As long as she spends time with you and doesn't let a holiday fling take over the entire trip, then I don't see the issue.

5128gap · 03/07/2023 14:57

2bazookas · 03/07/2023 14:44

It's none of your business.

Very obviously, whenever the condoms are in play, you won't be present or involved. So it has no impact on you whatever.

Of course it does. Do you suppose the friend is going to spend her day and evening with OP as planned, and have a man suddenly appear at midnight like a reverse Cinderella? She's going to be looking out for men, receptive to their advances in bars and so also inflicting their company on OP or else leaving OP like a spare part. It's a totally different dynamic when a friend wants to pull.

Deathbyfluffy · 03/07/2023 15:06

ArcticSkewer · 03/07/2023 10:53

I'd just find that weird. Is she that desperate for male approval in general? You say you like her so you must know what she's like. Maybe just plan accordingly, knowing she will be dropping you if anyone comes past with a better offer.
It's a bit teenagery.

It doesn't sound like she wants male approval, just a shag on holiday.
The two are very different

Dinopawus · 03/07/2023 15:30

It doesn't sound like she wants male approval, just a shag on holiday.
The two are very different

Except that you don't order a shag at the bar along with a diet coke. It takes preparation, effort and concentration. And means ignoring your friend for a better offer. It's being a crap friend.

HRTQueen · 03/07/2023 15:36

I went away with a friend and only realised when away how desperate she is for male attention

I had my own room though and am fine having time on my

let her get on with it the guys at the resort will be able to spot her a mile off and maybe give her the attention she craves

Original poster
kissthefish · 03/07/2023 15:43

RoyalGala · 03/07/2023 14:35

This thread stinks of ‘let’s shame women, if they like casual sex!’
Men and women both have casual which is absolutely fine, providing it’s safe and consensual. Taking condoms is responsible, you don’t have to have sex, it’s a choice, if you have qualms about her having causal sex, then don’t go.

You have missed the ENTIRE point. It was never about just the sex at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
kissthefish · 03/07/2023 15:44

MySoCalledWife · 03/07/2023 14:18

Are you really planning to spend 24/7 together?

I’d find that a bit suffocating

should be possible for her (and you) to do your own thing for a bit?

Did you read my OP?

OP posts:
RoyalGala · 03/07/2023 15:51

kissthefish · 03/07/2023 15:43

You have missed the ENTIRE point. It was never about just the sex at all.

Show quote history

She said she plans to take them just incase and doesn’t plan on meeting anyone, how have I missed the point? Your thread is titled, ‘My friend has packed condoms!’ 😂

HRTQueen · 03/07/2023 16:03

I think it’s quite reasonable to not want to go away with a friend when she is thinking she might meet someone and have sex this is what she is planning

many of us have passed this stage in our lives we don’t want to be out with friends who are looking to meet someone

user01082312345 · 03/07/2023 16:13

Reading these comments, I'm definitely going on a solo trip abroad once my kid is in college. Just me and my kindle. No drama.

Whataretheodds · 03/07/2023 16:15

HRTQueen · 03/07/2023 16:03

I think it’s quite reasonable to not want to go away with a friend when she is thinking she might meet someone and have sex this is what she is planning

many of us have passed this stage in our lives we don’t want to be out with friends who are looking to meet someone

How sad that it has to be either/or

rookiemere · 03/07/2023 16:23

RoyalGala · 03/07/2023 14:35

This thread stinks of ‘let’s shame women, if they like casual sex!’
Men and women both have casual which is absolutely fine, providing it’s safe and consensual. Taking condoms is responsible, you don’t have to have sex, it’s a choice, if you have qualms about her having causal sex, then don’t go.

I believe OP could care or judge less how much casual sex her friend has.

It's simply that it doesn't exist in a bubble, so holiday will now be geared around eligible men for friend to have sex with. OP will probably end up having to talk / fend off advances from their random friend .

Plus in order to meet said men she'll likely be encouraged to go to many bars and nightclubs as that's where people who want sex usually hang out. Those may not be the places OP necessarily wanted to spend her time.

Plus they are sharing a room, OP has rightly said no men in shared room, so is she responsible for raising the alarm if friend doesn't return back and at what point does she do that ?

It's a massive mismatch in holiday expectations.

GasPanic · 03/07/2023 16:28

Well unless you came to a specific agreement with her re this before you booked then IMO YABU.

It's her holiday too. If she want to meet up with other people and engage with them its up to her. Just so long as it doesn't inconvenience you in any major way.

I'd be pretty pissed off if I went on holiday with a friend and they went off on a massive sulk just because I'd met up with someone and was having a good time. OTOH I wouldn't leave them on their own all the time and wouldn't expect them to do anything that inconvenienced (like vacating the room either).

If I went off on holiday with a friend and that friend I was with met someone and had a good time I would be happy for them, not be unhappy that they weren't holidaying in the way I wanted them to.

HRTQueen · 03/07/2023 16:29

Why is it sad

I rather not go away with someone who is on the look out for sex my friend goes on golfing holidays and one of his friends wants to go on the pull (not just words) he doesn’t like it either

many pass this stage in their lives and find it tiresome to be around people who are on the look out

HRTQueen · 03/07/2023 16:38

*not my words not just words

RoyalGala · 03/07/2023 16:39

rookiemere · 03/07/2023 16:23

I believe OP could care or judge less how much casual sex her friend has.

It's simply that it doesn't exist in a bubble, so holiday will now be geared around eligible men for friend to have sex with. OP will probably end up having to talk / fend off advances from their random friend .

Plus in order to meet said men she'll likely be encouraged to go to many bars and nightclubs as that's where people who want sex usually hang out. Those may not be the places OP necessarily wanted to spend her time.

Plus they are sharing a room, OP has rightly said no men in shared room, so is she responsible for raising the alarm if friend doesn't return back and at what point does she do that ?

It's a massive mismatch in holiday expectations.

Show quote history

The ‘friend’ said she doesn’t plan on meeting anyone, she said she was taking them just incase. You’ve just completely made up your own narrative about clubs, looking for men to have sex with and OP having to fend off mens advances. Why book a holiday with the said ‘friend’ in the first place.

rookiemere · 03/07/2023 16:41

@RoyalGala OP says friend has form for meeting men on holiday and has done it previously.
You are right- OP would have been better to remember previous experience, but perhaps thought friend had become more mature.

ididntwanttodoit · 03/07/2023 16:58

I think you ABU. She is being optimistic, and careful. So long as she isn't planning on going off with someone for days at a time and leaving you stranded, or (worse) using your shared accommodation for her quick shags, then I really think it's none of your business - you are hardly teenagers after all!