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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend has packed condoms for our holiday

171 replies

kissthefish · 03/07/2023 10:21

Going away with a good friend this month, for one week. We're both in our late forties. I've been really looking forward to it. I see it as a chance to spend time together when we haven't done much of that recently. Real life, with work and our teens, always seems to get in the way. Today we were chatting about the holiday and she told me that she's packed a box of condoms for the trip. I was a bit taken aback, as I thought it was going to be just us. I think it's fine to have a holiday liaison if you're in a group.
She has form for this, as she has organised dates on previous trips away, years ago. A quick shag is one thing, but then she obsesses over the guy in question, and it takes over a bit.
She says she doesn't plan to meet anyone there, and the condoms are a 'just in case'. She's definitely more of a man's woman overall, whereas I tend to prioritise the women in my life. Don't get me wrong, I'd love a bit of sex! But a holiday with one girlfriend possibly isn't the time or place.
Oh, and being the introvert I am, I'm more than happy to do our own thing sometimes. So it's not like I'm being intense. There's just something about bringing a man into the equation that changes the dynamic a bit.
And I have great fondness for this friend, in case someone says the Mumsnet classic 'you don't seem to like her very much'. Grin We've been friends for years and have gone through a lot together. But she can be self-absorbed and I think I need to be honest about that.
AIBU?

If you've found this page in search of condoms that have been tried and tested by fellow Mumsnet users, you might find our guide to the best condoms useful. Hope this helps! MNHQ

OP posts:
whynotwhatknot · 03/07/2023 12:23

so she'll be going back to some randoms place and leaving you at night somewhere

Lentilweaver · 03/07/2023 12:24

CandyLeBonBon · 03/07/2023 12:01

Yeah my mum used to do this when we went on holiday a few times! It's really irritating. A holiday shag is fine but when the obsession over her holiday beau takes over then it's no fun.

how grim for you!

Original poster
kissthefish · 03/07/2023 12:24

DisappearingGirl · 03/07/2023 12:14

I get why you are upset OP. I don't get enough chance to catch up with friends. When life feels a bit drab, I feel really happy and excited about meeting up with a good friend and catching up. I guess I imagine they are feeling the same about catching up with me.

If I found out their excitement and energy was focussed on looking for, and mooning over, a random bloke, rather than engaging with me, I'd feel a bit deflated. I'd probably feel that way whether they found a bloke or not.

You've pretty much nailed it in this post.

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 03/07/2023 12:25

kissthefish · 03/07/2023 11:20

A quick shag is not a problem. But mooning over the guy is. It just takes up too much headspace, and I already give this friend plenty of man-related emotional support. This holiday was a chance for me to relax too.

Show quote history

So address the mooning over a guy. Right now you seem to be concerned about safe sex.

Condoms were a standard toilet bag item when I was single. Didn't mean I expected or was seeking out sex, just that if the opportunity arose I could take it if I wished.

Sensible to talk about ground rules for your shared space and generally about each other's expectations of the trip.

MaybeWednesday · 03/07/2023 12:28

I'd be disappointed too. I'm going on a "girls holiday" tomorrow with my bestie.

I'm imagining, as previous years, laying about the pool, reading nice meals out. NO MEN!

I mean why? Just why? Is your company not enough? Does she need validation from some random man she shags on holiday?

But she's your friend, you know her well and probably love her. I wouldn't say anything.

Unless she starts obsessing whilst on holiday or dumps you one evening for a man.

I mean there's only one tripe of person that wants to meet a randomer on holiday and it's not anyone looking for a long term relationship.

80sMum · 03/07/2023 12:29

YANBU. That would put me right off, to be honest.

HoldOnMiGenna · 03/07/2023 12:37

Maybe it's time to scrutinise this friendship. Your friend is too up in age to be so male identified and selfish.
Worse, at her big age, she hasn't enough self awareness to cop on that she hasn't even got the mental disposition to have one night stands, what with her ruminating over what is basically masturbation with two people involved , as if it could have been Love's Young Dream.
Even if you are the more sensible one in this friendship, please don't ever make that a role for yourself in any relationship outside of being a parent or on a business partnership.
I've rarely seen this dynamic work outside of those two paradigms where without resentment or control issues / martyr complex at play.
Life's too short to be playing proxy mother to a middle aged friend who is still on the pull for fellas she doesn't know from a hole in a wall . Especially in these days of fellas not having many boundaries about them.
Harsh, but you know the rest .

Whataretheodds · 03/07/2023 12:41

HoldOnMiGenna · 03/07/2023 12:37

Maybe it's time to scrutinise this friendship. Your friend is too up in age to be so male identified and selfish.
Worse, at her big age, she hasn't enough self awareness to cop on that she hasn't even got the mental disposition to have one night stands, what with her ruminating over what is basically masturbation with two people involved , as if it could have been Love's Young Dream.
Even if you are the more sensible one in this friendship, please don't ever make that a role for yourself in any relationship outside of being a parent or on a business partnership.
I've rarely seen this dynamic work outside of those two paradigms where without resentment or control issues / martyr complex at play.
Life's too short to be playing proxy mother to a middle aged friend who is still on the pull for fellas she doesn't know from a hole in a wall . Especially in these days of fellas not having many boundaries about them.
Harsh, but you know the rest .

Is that you, ChatGPT?

suburbophobe · 03/07/2023 12:42

^Watch Shirley Valentine before you go and smile.

Make sure you don't get caught by Dougie and Jeanette from Manchester!!^

Indeed! LOL

Great film @Ohmylovejune

Meepme · 03/07/2023 12:49

@HoldOnMiGenna i think thats a bit harsh. Some people really want to meet someone, others dont. I dont think its fair to say she's too old to want to meet someone. Plus if you read the various dating threads/relationship threads, there are tons of people out there who struggle with the complexities of meeting/dating people.

rookiemere · 03/07/2023 12:55

I get it OP, having just come back from a lovely weekend with my friend. You thought you were going on holiday together to enjoy each other's company and do things together, whereas it seems she is desperate for a shag. Also it implies she'll want to spend a lot of time in bars and clubs to meet men which would not be my cup of tea.

I'd maybe message back something like "Oh I didn't think it was that type of holiday. "

Original poster
kissthefish · 03/07/2023 12:56

Meepme · 03/07/2023 12:49

@HoldOnMiGenna i think thats a bit harsh. Some people really want to meet someone, others dont. I dont think its fair to say she's too old to want to meet someone. Plus if you read the various dating threads/relationship threads, there are tons of people out there who struggle with the complexities of meeting/dating people.

I thought their post was excellent, and it wasn't said that she's too old to meet someone. Maybe a bit advanced in years for some of the behaviour she displays, that's all.

OP posts:
Original poster
kissthefish · 03/07/2023 12:58

suburbophobe · 03/07/2023 12:42

^Watch Shirley Valentine before you go and smile.

Make sure you don't get caught by Dougie and Jeanette from Manchester!!^

Indeed! LOL

Great film @Ohmylovejune

We're actually meeting up to watch it before the holiday. Not only will it get us in the holiday spirit, but it could be the ideal precursor to some chat ... which otherwise might be slightly awkward to bring up, even if I am normally forthright with her Smile

OP posts:
BrightYellowDaffodil · 03/07/2023 12:59

kissthefish · 03/07/2023 11:56

I am actually sitting here crying like a big weirdo Grin
This thread has actually given me SUCH food for thought. I have come to the realisation that this holiday is filling a bit of a void in my life. I am not as happy as I could be. Normally I might use food to fill that void, but can't as I'm on a diet for the holiday!
As a result, I have 'bigged up' this holiday in my head to something it's probably not. My friend admitting she's bringing condoms on our holiday has disappointed me into facing all of these feelings.

How's that for a bit of Monday morning reflection and honesty?!

TBH, I'd probably feel about the same, for the same reasons Flowers

However, at least it's all come out in advance so you can a) decide whether you want to go or not, b) mentally prepare yourself for how your friend might behave and c) come up with some mitigations (e.g. "If she buggers off with her shag, there's a spa at the hotel and I'm going to book myself in for a lovely massage without her").

Sparkleshine21 · 03/07/2023 13:06

Do you have a partner op? If you do, seems a bit mean to not want her potentially hooking up on her time off from her kids when you already have a partner at home…this could be the only time she gets alone!

Original poster
kissthefish · 03/07/2023 13:08

Sparkleshine21 · 03/07/2023 13:06

Do you have a partner op? If you do, seems a bit mean to not want her potentially hooking up on her time off from her kids when you already have a partner at home…this could be the only time she gets alone!

It's not wholly relevant, but no, I don't have a partner.

OP posts:
HarpyValley · 03/07/2023 13:08

Perhaps you say ok I get you might want to meet someone, but I have zero interest in finding myself breakfasting with your holiday bonk; or in having you talk about nothing else. That’s not really the holiday I signed up for, so I will be pretty grumpy if it’s the holiday I end up on.

This seems a reasonable boundary to set out.

user1471538283 · 03/07/2023 13:10

I get it OP. She is looking for a hook up or something and that's all you will hear all holiday. That isn't what you thought the holiday was about.

I had a friend like this when we were young. Wherever we went she would try to get together with someone and then leave me on my own and then keep on about this random all the time. We didn't stay friends for long.

I wouldn't go. You were hoping for some quality friendship time not a constant drone about a man or men.

Original poster
kissthefish · 03/07/2023 13:10

Yes, that does seem totally fair. And completely along the lines of what I was going to say anyway.

OP posts:
red78hot · 03/07/2023 13:25

I'd be a bit disappointed if she ended up leav8ng me alone while she was off with a mini romance so if I was you I'd be scoping out places to visit on my own to keep me busy just in case.

Soapyspuds · 03/07/2023 13:47

Maybe she is just hoping you both get chatting to people and she ends up needing them. It does not mean she is thinking of sacking you off for the week.

Addicted2LoveIsland · 03/07/2023 13:50

It's annoying, but if she had form for this, maybe booking a trip away wasn't the wisest. Or perhaps an honest chat prior to booking was in order. It may be better to do weekends away here and there instead.

It's booked now so best just wait and see.

Have a few things lined up that you'd like to do and wouldn't mind doing on your own just in case.

Enjoy your holiday

Riapia · 03/07/2023 13:52

her condom supply is maybe intended for sharing.
😉😁😁😁

rookiemere · 03/07/2023 13:55

Packing a box is indeed somewhat different from putting a couple in.

Irequireausername · 03/07/2023 13:59

I've had friends in the past that were controlling in a similar manner to yourself. I didn't go out for sex but they would try to control me over other things I chose to do. Things have to go how they planned, I was meant to act how they wanted. No room for autonomy. It's very tiring and no-one wants to feel controlled.

Your friend is her own person and if she wants to have sex on holiday, that's up to her. Unless she's totally abandoning you, then no offence, but get over yourself.