Single mother DD, refusing to get a job.

[LiloAndS]

Hello everyone.
My DD is 30 and a mum of two (9yo girl and 4yo boy). My DD fell pregnant with her eldest young, accidently and with her first, long term boyfriend. Unfortunately, he did not step up to the plate and left DD when she was halfway through her pregnancy and has had nothing to do with my granddaughter for her whole life. DD lived with us until granddaughter was around 2, then moved in to her own flat. Shortly after, she met a new guy who seemed lovely, but fell pregnant pretty much straight away. I will say, this was definitely unplanned and a very upsetting time for my daughter. She considered abortion multiple times, to the point where she had a consultation booked twice and had me drive her, but ultimately could not go through with it. New guy turned out to be not so lovely, and also wanted nothing to do with his child. DD was depressed for her whole pregnancy and struggled to bond with the baby inside her. Thankfully, she fell in love as soon as he was born. I want to add, my daughter is a fantastic mother, her whole life revolves around the children, they are happy, clean, well cared for, etc, etc. But the reality is, she has been on benefits all this time. Fast forward to now and her youngest has just been diagnosed with autism. He is only just learning to speak and has some challenging behaviour, I'll admit that. DD has been awarded DLA and carer's money for him. She told me today, work is not on her mind at the moment as her little boy needs her, and she has decided to dedicate the next few years to helping him develop. I just feel so sad for her. She could be going to college, getting a part time job and meeting people. I worry about her future. She has no partner to help or support her. I'm also ashamed to admit, I feel a bit embarrassed when my friend's talk of their high flying children. How can I encourage my DD to want more for herself? She is smart, beautiful, has so much potential in this life. Thanks.

Obviously the dads are most at fault. But what's the point in bringing that up on this thread? That would need a whole change in policy. Separate thread.

Right, OK. And I don't have a million pounds either.

I don't begrudge this random woman for having looked at her circumstances and found happiness in them, and not want for more.

The people who've fucked the planet up are the ones who I reserve my ire for. And they don't tend to have simple and homely wants. Nobody ever hurt anyone by just staying home and raising their children.

Well in response to your thread title, she’s not refusing to get a job is she? She said she wants a job in a shop when the time is right. When you say job though, you mean a big high flying one don’t you? She clearly doesn’t want that, and that doesn’t mean it’s because she isn’t ambitious. Of course she’s ambitious, she’s trying to build a happy life for her and her children, just in a different way to your ideals.

And at the moment the time isn’t right for her to get a job. She’s a single mum and her youngest needs her in particular. She can only be stretched so far and she wants to channel her time and energy in to ensuring her disabled son has the support he needs from her. She feels he needs more than just a quick tea time routine in the evening after everyone being at work and nursery/school/clubs all day. Why can’t you see that?

She’s not interested in the things you want her to be interested in eg fancy handbags and posh restaurants. She’s very entitled to enjoy those things of course, but they’re just not a priority to her. She wants a simple life where her children are her top priority. Want you want for her is not important.

Her son receives DLA and she receives CA to look after him. They wouldn’t be getting those if his needs weren’t so bad. He clearly needs her there.

Your DD sounds absolutely amazing and you should be so so so proud of her.

Because many people are berating the DD for what's happened and the situation she's in, and yes she's partly responsible for that with her choices, but there are two other people's choices that have contributed towards the situation who are being ignored with all the responsibility loaded onto the DD.

Because if the children had the support of their respective fathers then the situation would be different, financial support and practical support would mean less financial support from benefits (which is obviously something that people feel strongly about) and would mean more practical support in the shape of the children being looked after by someone other than the DD and therefore freeing her time more in able to work.

But that's what I meant about societal attitudes - the men's input or lack of it is seen as irrelevant.

Only because people are so blinded by the word “benefits”.

Put a bit of context in to it eg a disabled child and single mum trying to navigate her life with her child’s reality, and only the benefit bashers would have a problem with that. Everyone else would hopefully understand.

Someone has to work in the shops. Imagine if everyone saw that job as beneath them?

Maybe she will end up going back doing what she did before having kids. What qualifications does she have? If she had her child when she was 20/21, then surely she was in college/uni or working before?

She has made comments about not wanting to put her kids through what she went through
How much more clear does your DD need to be. You might well have parented the way that you did with the best of intentions but DD is a grown adult and you should not be trying to plan her life for her. Your comment about Wetherspoons makes you sound a bit of a snob.

This. OP, please hear your daughter. I hate it when my mother tries to dismiss and shut down my experiences because it doesn't suit her. Your daughter found being in so much care distressing. Maybe even traumatic, yet she had no choice. Didn't you make choices based on your own childhood experiences? I know I did. It doesn't make you a terrible mother, we all do our best and have reasons for making the decisions we did. But our children might have experienced things from a very different perspective and determine to make different choices. She does not want her children to experience the level of care outside school hours that she did and is choosing this deliberately. She may never aim as high as you in terms of career because of this but it's her right to choose those priorities. Maybe when her son is more settled she will be able to start with a bit of employment or study. I do hope she has got herself sorted enough to not risk a third child in similar circumstances though.

If everyone only wanted the "successful" jobs, who would work in shops, deliver goods or care for the most vulnerable in care homes, nurseries and hospitals? There are so many more versions of being successful than what you have in the bank.

Equally, money does afford (haha) you opportunities you would not otherwise have and the means to experience life in the fullest possible way. But perhaps not everyone feels like that?

@LiloAndS

Not read all 9 pages, but it’s stated very clearly in your op that your daughter is a carer for her autistic son. So she’s not unemployed or simply not looking for a job. Surely being so involved in her life you must see how much hard work it is, full time work, looking after a child with disabilities? That’s why he’s entitled to DLA and her to carers. Stop undermining her struggle, I can assure you that if she could have a career and some semblance of independence beyond the children she would do.

@thecatsthecats · Today 07:45
The smartest thing to do is be happy with a simple life.
Your daughter is a lot smarter than you.
Op's daughter is smarter than me too. I would love the tax payer to fund my life choices, rather than me fund hers. 🤣

Funding her lifestyle? What a joke. She’ll get £76 a week because her child has a disability severe enough to be entitled to middle or high rate care DLA. Do you know how much that saves the government in health and social care costs? Instead of thinking parents who have little choice in not having a job as there’s near zero support when you have a child with severe additional needs are scabbing, maybe think exactly how much it would cost the taxpayer if the cost of care was coming from social services or similar.

Am not a benefit basher. I just don't like that the OP's choice to work is being berated. On a women's site. Where we should be encouraging women to be financially independent, not continue pinning their hopes on useless Prince Charmings who do a runner. Its not about leading a flashy life. Its about having options. Her DD is already talking about the next man she hopes to have....If I were in this pickle I would be swearing off men for a bit.

Her DD lived with her until her son was 2. I think OP has been v supportive and is getting an unfair bashing.

It’s natural to want better for your children but you sound too judgemental of her when I’m sure she didn’t set out to make this life she now has. No one gets into relationships assuming they’ll walk out on their own child. No one plans to be a single parent on benefits. I’m sure she wanted better for herself, she is the one living it after all.
Some people will judge you for working a lot and putting your children into childcare (nothing wrong with it but judgements work both ways) your daughter may want to be present for her children.
She’s now an adult and she’s entitled to live how she choses without her mother criticising behind her back. She may have disappointed you, but she’s clearly doing her best and doesn’t deserve some of the comments.
It’s hard raising a SEN child, particularly when you rely on a measly income of benefits that the government imply is enough to survive on. It isn’t. She’ll be struggling a lot more than she lets on. I see this first hand with my sister raising 2 SEN children. She wants to work but can’t, her children will refuse to be with anyone else and have purposely harmed themselves when it’s happened. Being placed in childcare is not often a good choice for SEN children who need familiarity and home more often than not.
I truly hope despite your disappointment you offer help and support, whether through childcare to give her a break occasionally, or mental support and a shoulder to lean on.
Remember she is not an extension of you to brag about, and she is allowed to do whatever she pleases without your permission whether you approve or not. Offer your time and be a present mother and grandmother.

Yeah! Also the people asking her to babysit for free.
2 years of rent free living not enough?.

I would happily babysit any of my potential future grandchildren for free if I can. Especially if my child was a lone parent. That's what families do, they help each other out.

But then this is mumsnet where nobody should ever do anything for anyone to be helpful. There always has to be a condition attached. 🙄

I would babysit for free if I could.
I would also allow my DC to live with me rent free because I can.

I would not give up or risk my job though.
That wouldn't be helping anyone out. This much berated job that buys handbags and meals out may eventually have to pay for SN provision or professiinal training or medical care, when a future man is unwilling to.

Aha! Key phrase - 'if I can'.
The OP can't. She still works.
She has helped her daughter with free accomodation but that's not enough

Yes, I understand that. But I think this attitude of "she provided free accommodation" stinks to be honest. I would never look at it as "giving free accommodation" if it were me in OP's position, it would be me supporting my child and grandchildren through a difficult time.

Yeah I get that OP can't as she works. But then she needs to appreciate that her DD is in a difficult position and not judge her so harshly for not working.

I mean, welcome to the world of parenting children with disabilities.

Couldn't get childcare, perhaps? Couldn't find a job that would hire her as a new mother?

She's 30 years old and has children of her own. You really need to let this go. She is way past the point where you should be thinking about steering her on to a career path or encouraging to want 'more'.

I understand why you feel the way you do, but she is a grown woman, not a 17-year-old who's announced she isn't going to uni. She can decide for herself, without your input, what is right for her and her children.

Well you might be happy to pay for OP'S daughters simple life, it doesn't mean the rest of us are!
She had years to work or study before her child with autism arrived but she didn't.
She mooched off her parents for 2 years before getting a flat and going onto benefits.

Interestingly, wouldn't the first child just have reached the age that the government expected her to look for work when she accidentally fell pregnant with the second......