Page 10 | Single mother DD, refusing to get a job.

LiloAndS · 2023-07-02T23:41:44+00:00

Hello everyone. My DD is 30 and a mum of two (9yo girl and 4yo boy). My DD fell pregnant with her eldest young, accidently and with her first, long term boyfriend. Unfortunately, he did not step up to the plate and left DD when she was halfway through her pregnancy and has had nothing to do with my granddaughter for her whole life. DD lived with us until granddaughter was around 2, then moved in to her own flat. Shortly after, she met a new guy who seemed lovely, but fell pregnant pretty much straight away. I will say, this was definitely unplanned and a very upsetting time for my daughter. She considered abortion multiple times, to the point where she had a consultation booked twice and had me drive her, but ultimately could not go through with it. New guy turned out to be not so lovely, and also wanted nothing to do with his child. DD was depressed for her whole pregnancy and struggled to bond with the baby inside her. Thankfully, she fell in love as soon as he was born. I want to add, my daughter is a fantastic mother, her whole life revolves around the children, they are happy, clean, well cared for, etc, etc. But the reality is, she has been on benefits all this time. Fast forward to now and her youngest has just been diagnosed with autism. He is only just learning to speak and has some challenging behaviour, I'll admit that. DD has been awarded DLA and carer's money for him. She told me today, work is not on her mind at the moment as her little boy needs her, and she has decided to dedicate the next few years to helping him develop. I just feel so sad for her. She could be going to college, getting a part time job and meeting people. I worry about her future. She has no partner to help or support her. I'm also ashamed to admit, I feel a bit embarrassed when my friend's talk of their high flying children. How can I encourage my DD to want more for herself? She is smart, beautiful, has so much potential in this life. Thanks.

funinthesun19 · 03/07/2023 13:29

MotherofGorgons · 03/07/2023 10:41

Am not a benefit basher. I just don't like that the OP's choice to work is being berated. On a women's site. Where we should be encouraging women to be financially independent, not continue pinning their hopes on useless Prince Charmings who do a runner. Its not about leading a flashy life. Its about having options. Her DD is already talking about the next man she hopes to have....If I were in this pickle I would be swearing off men for a bit.

Her DD lived with her until her son was 2. I think OP has been v supportive and is getting an unfair bashing.

Show quote history

There’s nothing wrong with OP working and there’s nothing wrong with OP not helping her DD with childcare so that her DD can work. It’s not OP’s responsibility to commit to something like that.

But, she’s being very unfair and unrealistic about how she views her DD and her circumstances and the gravity of what her DD has to cope with. OP isn’t the one living with the every day reality of having a disabled child, so she really has no right to be wishing her DD would do XYZ. Her DD knows what is best for her and her children, and what will work and what won’t.

I’m really not bashing OP. I’m sure she’s a lovely mum and grandma and very supportive outwardly, but she’s being really unreasonable and silly feeling embarrassed about her DD who is working damn hard in her own set of circumstances. Sounds like OP cares a a bit too much about what people think of her and her DD. OP hopefully sings her DD’s praises when she’s talking to her friends about their adult DC. And feeling bad for her DD that she wanted a Wetherspoons… I mean so what? I think that’s just a reflection on what a very nice person her DD is for appreciating smaller things.

AllOfThemWitches · 03/07/2023 13:36

Well you might be happy to pay for OP'S daughters simple life, it doesn't mean the rest of us are!

'Simple life' with a disabled kid? LMFAO that's a funny one. Idiot.

Curlyhairedassasin · 03/07/2023 13:44

Well you might be happy to pay for OP'S daughters simple life, it doesn't mean the rest of us are!

luckily it is completely irrelevant want your narrow minded brain is making of that situation.

Beezknees · 03/07/2023 13:51

PomTiddlyPomPom · 03/07/2023 13:01

Well you might be happy to pay for OP'S daughters simple life, it doesn't mean the rest of us are!
She had years to work or study before her child with autism arrived but she didn't.
She mooched off her parents for 2 years before getting a flat and going onto benefits.

Interestingly, wouldn't the first child just have reached the age that the government expected her to look for work when she accidentally fell pregnant with the second......

Show quote history

Tough shit really.

OutsideLookingOut · 03/07/2023 14:10

Did your DD have a job before having her son?
I get you a little OP but it’s her life. There are many things she’s doing well for now like caring for her son.

Juanmartinez · 03/07/2023 14:32

What did dd do before having her children?

Hibiscrubbed · 03/07/2023 16:16

Remind me to start a thread in a few months from the perspective of the OP’s daughter and when I’m disembowelled for not wanting to work, remind me to point out the crashing hypocrisy of this place. 😆

PomTiddlyPomPom · 03/07/2023 17:11

Hibiscrubbed · 03/07/2023 16:16

Remind me to start a thread in a few months from the perspective of the OP’s daughter and when I’m disembowelled for not wanting to work, remind me to point out the crashing hypocrisy of this place. 😆

Yep, I've just been called an idiot for using another posters quote about the DD's 'simple life'.
Perhaps some posters would be better actually reading the thread before they spout drivel about other people.
OP isn't wrong to want more than a life on benefits for her daughter, apparently some people on here have a very low bar when it comes to the future they want for their children....

CinnamonJellyBeans · 03/07/2023 17:12

ChardonnaysBeastlyCat · 03/07/2023 08:28

DD2 is a cleaner during her university holidays. She comes home and tells me that the boss is amazed at how much she cleans and to such a good standard. To me, this is way more important than her academic achievements too.

What is the cleaning more important to you than her academic achievement?

Actually when I came home and read that through, I also thought "more important" didn't sound right (coffee had not kicked in) But that makes me prouder, that both my girls will work hard, no matter what the other people they work with do to avoid it.

AllOfThemWitches · 03/07/2023 17:15

OP isn't wrong to want more than a life on benefits for her daughter, apparently some people on here have a very low bar when it comes to the future they want for their children....

Hi, I think it was me who called you an idiot 🖐 :) how do you propose that single parents with high needs children requiring round the clock care go out to work then hmm? Bearing in mind others have to give up work to become carers for children who become ill, for example, or elderly parents.

Gerrataere · 03/07/2023 17:18

PomTiddlyPomPom · 03/07/2023 17:11

Yep, I've just been called an idiot for using another posters quote about the DD's 'simple life'.
Perhaps some posters would be better actually reading the thread before they spout drivel about other people.
OP isn't wrong to want more than a life on benefits for her daughter, apparently some people on here have a very low bar when it comes to the future they want for their children....

Show quote history

Perhaps you should reevaluate your own reading skills? The fact the daughter is on benefits at this point solely relates to the fact her child has a severe and lifelong disability. So what would you advise the daughter based on her current situation, putting aside any personal judgments you may have about how and why the children came to be in the first place?

Beezknees · 03/07/2023 17:33

PomTiddlyPomPom · 03/07/2023 17:11

Yep, I've just been called an idiot for using another posters quote about the DD's 'simple life'.
Perhaps some posters would be better actually reading the thread before they spout drivel about other people.
OP isn't wrong to want more than a life on benefits for her daughter, apparently some people on here have a very low bar when it comes to the future they want for their children....

Show quote history

She won't have a life on benefits though. When her children are older and more self sufficient she can go back to work.

AllOfThemWitches · 03/07/2023 17:34

She won't have a life on benefits though. When her children are older and more self sufficient she can go back to work.

Eh? She has a disabled child? He's not going to grow out of it.

Beezknees · 03/07/2023 17:34

Hibiscrubbed · 03/07/2023 16:16

Remind me to start a thread in a few months from the perspective of the OP’s daughter and when I’m disembowelled for not wanting to work, remind me to point out the crashing hypocrisy of this place. 😆

Not from me. I am a lone parent and know how difficult it is. I do work full time myself but my DS is older and NT so it's much easier for me. I never judge single parents of young kids for not working.

Gerrataere · 03/07/2023 17:48

AllOfThemWitches · 03/07/2023 17:34

She won't have a life on benefits though. When her children are older and more self sufficient she can go back to work.

Eh? She has a disabled child? He's not going to grow out of it.

Too many people seem to think autism over time = quirky adult who talks too much about Star Trek. Which one or two may be, but they don’t see the rest of us with a child who will be a forever-child in an adult’s body in a few years and will still need full time care. Oh but of course there’s endless fucking money in social care and support once they turn 18, then us with our empty CVs and years of being judged and shamed can finally find that elusive job that pays all the bills and be acceptable members of society again 🤣

violinviolet · 03/07/2023 17:52

I know my parents are disappointed in me for having children, doing a full time job I love but it isn't acceptable to them. Three months ago my dad said to me all their friends children my age (36) had high flying jobs, houses (we have a small house mortgaged) and he didn't "know where he had gone wrong with me". That I do not have the life he "planned" for me.

I always knew he felt this but to hear deeply hurt me. To know a parent is disappointed and embarrassed about you is devastating
Please don't ever let her think or know you are disappointed in her.
It's crushing

PomTiddlyPomPom · 03/07/2023 17:59

Perhaps if you read the thread fully you would realise that if the dd left school at 18 she had 3 years to work before becoming pregnant with the first child, she then had a further 4-5 years before she had the autistic child.
If she had been moving heaven and earth to work towards her future in those 7+ years her mother wouldn't be posting about her now.
If everyone is happy to fund her life on benefits that's up to them, it doesn't mean I have to be🤷‍♀️

AllOfThemWitches · 03/07/2023 18:14

PomTiddlyPomPom · 03/07/2023 17:59

Perhaps if you read the thread fully you would realise that if the dd left school at 18 she had 3 years to work before becoming pregnant with the first child, she then had a further 4-5 years before she had the autistic child.
If she had been moving heaven and earth to work towards her future in those 7+ years her mother wouldn't be posting about her now.
If everyone is happy to fund her life on benefits that's up to them, it doesn't mean I have to be🤷‍♀️

Ah well there's fuck all you can do about it

Gerrataere · 03/07/2023 18:15

PomTiddlyPomPom · 03/07/2023 17:59

Perhaps if you read the thread fully you would realise that if the dd left school at 18 she had 3 years to work before becoming pregnant with the first child, she then had a further 4-5 years before she had the autistic child.
If she had been moving heaven and earth to work towards her future in those 7+ years her mother wouldn't be posting about her now.
If everyone is happy to fund her life on benefits that's up to them, it doesn't mean I have to be🤷‍♀️

Yes but her life before having her autistic child is neither here nor there anymore. It’s a moot point, the op is speaking about her daughter currently ‘not having a job’ which is simply not true - she is a carer. You can work yourself to the bone but if you have a severely disabled child you often find yourself in the same position as any other parent who has children with additional needs. There’s currently a thread about carers allowance on here if you wish to educate yourself. But you don’t want to do that do you, you just want to behave like you need a copy of the daily mail surgery removed from somewhere uncomfortable…

Doodar · 03/07/2023 18:15

EL8888 · 03/07/2023 05:17

She hasn’t worked for 9 years?! But her sons only 4? Im surprised she’s been allowed to get away with this -l thought your child got to a certain age and you were made to look for work? I can see why you’re concerned OP, by the sounds of it she’s either never worked or not for any length of time and she’s 30. I appreciate her son has additional needs so requires more support. But it seems like this was a pattern before that

sounds as though she was work shy before the kids arrived, outrageous she thinks she can live off benefits forever.

Gerrataere · 03/07/2023 18:18

Doodar · 03/07/2023 18:15

sounds as though she was work shy before the kids arrived, outrageous she thinks she can live off benefits forever.

Show quote history

So how do you suggest carers live then? Again asking posters like yourself to give a balanced and reasonable answer to how parents with children that have severe disabilities are supposed to live. We live in awe of your judgment, please enlighten us?

BamBamBambi · 03/07/2023 18:23

LiloAndS · 03/07/2023 01:26

Thank you for the responses. I am proud of my daughter. I just thought her life would look very different to how it does. Her father and I both have professional careers. It was her birthday last week and I offered to take her to a lovely restaurant for lunch - she said she wanted to go to Wetherspoons! Ha ha. She thinks fancy restaurants are a rip off. I offered to buy her a new outfit, she said she only buys secondhand for herself and she has enough clothes. I've always loved the finer things in life and worked hard, so my daughter could enjoy them too. But it would appear she does not want to. She has always just enjoyed the simple things in life, from a young age. She is just so smart and beautiful. She could of been a model, really. She's gorgeous. I will add, my granddaughter is the most confident little thing, and so secure and well adjusted considering she has never had a father. I imagine this is because her mother has devoted her life to her and her brother. So yes, I owe her more credit. It is just hard sometimes.

I’d be pretty disappointed I’d I offered my child a nice place to eat for her birthday and she picked wetherspoons!!

It’s a dump.

BamBamBambi · 03/07/2023 18:24

Gerrataere · 03/07/2023 18:18

So how do you suggest carers live then? Again asking posters like yourself to give a balanced and reasonable answer to how parents with children that have severe disabilities are supposed to live. We live in awe of your judgment, please enlighten us?

Show quote history

Part time work?

Working from home?

I have a child with a severe disability. I still work part time.

PomTiddlyPomPom · 03/07/2023 18:31

No one is questioning the dd receiving benefits from the arrival of the autistic child.
I would be very disappointed if my daughter hadn't done anything in the years before their arrival.
As I said previously, it seems convenient that she would have been at the stage with the first child that she would be expected to find work when suddenly she is 'accidentally' pregnant with the second child.

Gerrataere · 03/07/2023 18:31

BamBamBambi · 03/07/2023 18:24

Part time work?

Working from home?

I have a child with a severe disability. I still work part time.

Show quote history

Are you a single parent? Do you have family help? Trusted childcare? A single parent working part time would still be on benefits so not sure how it negates the issues you and others have anyway…

Thats not factoring in the level of needs. I couldn’t factor in part time work currently. Even with my children at school I’m often called in to provide care or even pick up due to having a particular bad day. One cannot manage a full day of school, neither can do after school care. Not every parent with a SN child can fit work in around caring. That should be perfectly obvious to more rational people.