Single mother DD, refusing to get a job.

[LiloAndS]

Hello everyone.
My DD is 30 and a mum of two (9yo girl and 4yo boy). My DD fell pregnant with her eldest young, accidently and with her first, long term boyfriend. Unfortunately, he did not step up to the plate and left DD when she was halfway through her pregnancy and has had nothing to do with my granddaughter for her whole life. DD lived with us until granddaughter was around 2, then moved in to her own flat. Shortly after, she met a new guy who seemed lovely, but fell pregnant pretty much straight away. I will say, this was definitely unplanned and a very upsetting time for my daughter. She considered abortion multiple times, to the point where she had a consultation booked twice and had me drive her, but ultimately could not go through with it. New guy turned out to be not so lovely, and also wanted nothing to do with his child. DD was depressed for her whole pregnancy and struggled to bond with the baby inside her. Thankfully, she fell in love as soon as he was born. I want to add, my daughter is a fantastic mother, her whole life revolves around the children, they are happy, clean, well cared for, etc, etc. But the reality is, she has been on benefits all this time. Fast forward to now and her youngest has just been diagnosed with autism. He is only just learning to speak and has some challenging behaviour, I'll admit that. DD has been awarded DLA and carer's money for him. She told me today, work is not on her mind at the moment as her little boy needs her, and she has decided to dedicate the next few years to helping him develop. I just feel so sad for her. She could be going to college, getting a part time job and meeting people. I worry about her future. She has no partner to help or support her. I'm also ashamed to admit, I feel a bit embarrassed when my friend's talk of their high flying children. How can I encourage my DD to want more for herself? She is smart, beautiful, has so much potential in this life. Thanks.

Severely. Autistic. Child. Needs. Full. Time. Care.

Do small words help?

Of course it is a choice, unfortunately it isn't our choice whether we support feckless behaviour.
Apparently anyone that comments negatively about anyone claiming benefits needs to know all of the 'rules' about claiming them.
Personally I haven't had time to read up on them as unfortunately I have to work a 40hr+ week to keep a roof over my children's heads.
This woman made the choice to keep 2 'accidental' pregnancies with no plans to fund either of them herself.

@Gerrataere He. Is. Her. Second. Child. Prior. To. Having. Him. She. Was. Already. On. Benefits. And. Living. In. A. Flat.

It’s the norm on MN to defend everything benefits claimants do. Everything. They can do no wrong. In fact, they are the salt of the earth while everyone else is scum, especially those that are paying for the claimants to continue to make choices that they can’t afford. Never more apparent on threads about benefits cheats. MNers get a specially defensive of benefits cheats, defending them like their life depends on it.

And? What does the past have to do with now? We don’t know that’s the position she would still be in if she hadn’t had an autistic child. I know plenty of mums with 2 or more children who were in her situation who have gone on to work once the children were established in school. UC get extremely arsey these days if you don’t get a job once the child is 3 (used to be 5) and the money you get is hardly liveable. That’s why we stick to the facts of now, not what could have been.

What does the past have to do with now? Hmm, let’s see. Maybe that it precedes the present. And the present is as it is because of what people did in the past. What a revelation. Who knew.

Irrelevant.

what do you propose she does with her barely verbal autistic 4 year old?

@Gerrataere nah, don't buy it. She had what, five years to get her act together. This is who she is.

If life had been hard before she got pregnant on her second she wouldn't have gotten pregnant.

Some women have a child when they're young and stay on benefits. Can you believe it?

It's unbelievable isn't it! The weirdest thing is, I never seem to encounter this view anywhere other than mumsnet.
In real life, people view benefits as a short term cushion should the worst happen rather than a lifestyle choice.
Most people take a very dim view of people that have never worked .
Shit happens, people have disabled children and have to give up work, OP'S daughter has never worked, she is 30 years old with diddly squat on her CV. We will in all probability be funding her for the rest of her life unless of course she finds Prince Charming to take over from the tax payer.

Nobody who has a severely disabled child has a big plan. Whatever plans you had go out the window, certainly in the early years.

I highly suggest you and others who simply cannot grasp the difference between ‘benefits lout’ and carer have a good read through this thread, or the SEN board to see exactly how much real work goes into raising a SEN child.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4836435-to-think-carers-allowance-is-a-fucking-disgrace?page=1

Because many people couldn’t do it, hell my ex couldn’t, part of the reason we split. The idea you’re being paid to stay at home to look after your poor child is utterly laughable. SEN parents whether they work or not have the toughest, most unyielding job in the world, and it will never end. So perhaps it’s the ops daughters hens coming to roost, or simply what she was always meant to be doing and now has found her way. But it will never end for her, remember that when you’re enjoying your retirement and grandchildren from all the years of effort you put in.

@SoupDragon stay at home obviously and get the tax payer to fund her life.

I can believe it, it’s rare especially these days. But that’s not the situation here so completely irrelevant.

WHAT WAS SHE DOING TO FUND HER LIFESTYLE BEFORE SHE BECAME A CARER TO HER CHILD.

I thought we had come to the conclusion that’s irrelevant? Because many people lived on benefits before moving on to work as life allowed them to, in her circumstances life has not presented that opportunity, in fact it has put a stay to it.

@Gerrataere we shall just have to agree to disagree.

She was 21 having the first child and I think 26 having the second. No job, ever. Perhaps her mum will come back to confirm if her daughter has ever worked.

Her life is being financed by the tax payer while she stays at home to raise her children as a sahp. That right there is a privilege.

If she didn't stay at home, the taxpayer would have to spend more on childcare services and special needs services, or at least on increased resources for schooIs. I wouldn't be surprised if her choice, and that of some others in this position, is resulting in net savings for the taxpayer.

And no, I'm not saying that all mothers/ single mothers/ parents of disabled children SHOULD be SAHPs; just that some who are, may on balance be saving the taxpayer money.

Nope, you had come to that conclusion.
I most certainly had not, so please answer my question.
Perhaps you will change my opinion on a woman who clearly never had any intention to support herself.

It can be difficult to imagine that other people can be happy living an entirely different life from the one we'd choose.
You see a beautiful intelligent young woman and think, if that were me I'd want a career, social life, material things, partner. But you need to accept that just as you wouldn't want the life she has, neither does she want the life you would choose. She has your support, she has options and she is choosing the one right for her.
When it comes down to it, the most important thing for our children is that they lead lives they find satisfying and fulfilling. The status their lifestyle has in the eyes of the world is meaningless by comparison. If we can support our children to achieve that, which you clearly have, your parenting has been a success.
She sounds lovely BTW. You should be proud.

Your DD is clearly making the best of her situation, which cannot be easy.
However, I do think you are right in slightly pushing her towards a job - it is only going to be harder to join the workforce as a woman with no qualifications.
she is leaving herself very vulnerable, and it is sad that she won’t sign up DD for some activities- not even swimming?

Again resorting to your own narrative to justify your opinions. What could have been is utterly irrelevant but you and others are so hung up on the idea of those claiming benefits grasping for every last penny as if you yourself are paying it to her every month in its entirety. You can hop up and down madly about her life before she had her son, it won’t change it. Much like any opportunity for her to make a difference to her working situation has been taken from her, at least in the short term. I can assure you (as you continue to show exhausting ignorance on the matter) that if she hadn’t found herself as a carer, she would have been in some sort of employment by now as UC sanctions harshly if you believe you can sit around on benefits forevermore. The entire point of the uc overhaul was to punish the workshy and top up workers. But that information will slide off you like Teflon bEcAusE whAt Was She dOIng beFoRe hAvinG aN AutisTiC cHiLD. You’re half a sentence away from suggesting she’s deliberately had a SEN child or even made it up for ‘more money’…..

My response related to the cost effectiveness to the taxpayer

I think you will find you are the one stuck with your own narrative.
Nothing you have said has changed my opinion.

I preempted your reply with the Teflon comment so there’s no need to say that your mind, nor the ones on others here who cannot make a distinction between past and present situations, has been changed. You were incapable of seeing beyond your own deep set beliefs from the start and will continue to be this person forever more. But as someone who’s in the ops daughters position (and I can assure you I’m not her unless my own mother is using MN through a medium), since she hasn’t the opportunity to defend herself nor give her version of events then as a fellow mum of ASD children I am happy to fight her corner. Because us SEN parents usually stick together against a tidal wave of judgement.

Ah, so because you are in a similar situation you have taken this personally.
Sorry, I didn't congratulate you on your Teflon comment. Very witty.

Oh you do not want to go down that road my friend. Because if all carers (whether for children, parents, family etc) were forced into work, the cost on the tax payer to fund social care and fill that hole wouldn’t event start to be covered by those carers finding simply any job to be seen as ‘socially acceptable humans’. You have very little idea what unpaid carers save the government and the general populous of tax payers. The amount of benefits they get pales in comparison.