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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Did I do something wrong?

331 replies

Snowdrop89 · 02/07/2023 18:15

A friend recently lost her best friend in a horrific accident. She sent me some photos of her with her friend and also a poem she had written for her. I decided to put one of the photos & the poem in a frame & sent to her as a keepsake. She reacted in a way I didn’t expect & I’m now questioning if I did something wrong… she said “I have got home to receive your gift. I want to thank you for the kind intent but ask you not to send me any further gifts.” How would you interpret this? I’m at a loss 😞 Was only trying to do something nice… have I caused offence?

OP posts:
Mirabai · 02/07/2023 20:17

You’re not going to lose your friend OP, it was a maladroit gift that’s all. It’s clear you meant well. She’s just upset.

tiktokoclock · 02/07/2023 20:18

You didn't do anything 'wrong'. To me, it sounds a very thoughtful thing to have done. With what you're going through, the fact you have capacity for that suggests you are a very thoughtful person.

There could be a million complex reasons your friend didn't receive the gift in the way you intended, it might all just be a bit raw right now.
You've apologised for any potential offence... so let the dust settle now and look after yourself as you must be feeling very raw and vulnerable yourself.

Reallybadidea · 02/07/2023 20:20

Really sorry to hear about your husband, I think you should concentrate on your own wellbeing for now. I don't think you did anything obviously terrible with your gift and it clearly came from a place of love and concern. I'm sure your friend knows that.

Snowdrop89 · 02/07/2023 20:22

@tiktokoclock Whatever I’m going through I’d always do anything for my friends

OP posts:
DinaofCloud9 · 02/07/2023 20:23

You didn't do anything wrong, it just wasn't what she needed. Try not to overthink it.

My sister would act like you and I'd be like your friend. Neither of us would be wrong, we are just different.

giraffetrousers · 02/07/2023 20:24

You didn't do anything 'wrong'. To me, it sounds a very thoughtful thing to have done. With what you're going through, the fact you have capacity for that suggests you are a very thoughtful person.

I agree with this too- it speaks a lot about you OP that in the midst of your own distress you tried to do something thoughtful for someone grieving. You sound very kind. Please dont worry about this, she is probably very raw right now and I am sure you'll be able to talk about this later on when you're both in a better head space

MysteryBelle · 02/07/2023 20:24

Snowdrop89 · 02/07/2023 20:10

@MysteryBelle Actually, she sent me the poem at like 1am one night clearly struggling with sleep. I happened to wake shortly after, read the text & replied saying how meaningful & lovely it was & how expressive of her friend’s character - & asked if her friend’s relatives might find it comforting to receive. So I did that immediate piece. I was just trying to do something I thought was nice. I wasn’t trying to be weird.

Like I said, I’m not saying I think you were trying to be mean or weird, just giving you a possible perspective of your friend who is obviously offended. She’s offended for a reason, whether the reason is right or not, I don’t know.

Why didn’t you tell us the context from the beginning? That is kind of a drip feed. You basically came on here and said you did all the things I said you should have done. I mean you went down my list and repeated them here. Well, we don’t really know that is true because you waited until you read my post to then claim you’d done it. Maybe you did, maybe you didn’t.

I think you may have had good intentions but what you did was weird. I also think it’s weird that you are stubbornly refusing to see it from her perspective, and I think it’s weird that you don’t simply go to her house, or call her and say, I did not mean to offend you by framing your poem and sending it to you. I felt like I was honoring your beautiful poem. Apparently it struck you as offensive or weird. Please tell me what was wrong so I can understand and not do it again.’

Instead, you text, sorry I offended you. Just very plain. No curiosity on your part to find out why she was offended or to make yourself clear to her. If you’re so close that she sent you that poem, then you should be able to talk it through and reconcile.

steff13 · 02/07/2023 20:26

It's hard to know how someone is going to react when they're grieving, and it's hard for you to even know how you will react when you're craving. Even if I had been upset by it I wouldn't have said anything that's just me. But she did acknowledge that you had good intentions with sending the gift. I would just maybe say, "I'm sorry I didn't mean to cause any offense" and leave it at that.

WetBandits · 02/07/2023 20:26

There’s no right or wrong answer. I would have been really touched by your gift but your friend wasn’t. You did a kind thing from a kind place, but grief does strange things to people and they might not always react in the way you’d hope Flowers

Sugarspiceallthingsnice2 · 02/07/2023 20:28

It was a very thoughtful gesture. As someone who has gone through a great deal of loss, I personally appreciate it when people make any kind of effort to show they really do care, rather than just empty words and open-ended offers of "I'm here if you need to talk, let me know what I can do etc". What you did took time, effort and thought. You're a good friend.

JudgeAnderson · 02/07/2023 20:28

And please don’t try and compare your ‘grieving’ your DH moving out to her grief at her friend’s death.

What an awful thing to say. I'd personally find my DH leaving me much harder than a friend dying.

happyfoot · 02/07/2023 20:28

I also think it’s weird that you are stubbornly refusing to see it from her perspective, and I think it’s weird that you don’t simply go to her house, or call her and say, I did not mean to offend you by framing your poem and sending it to you. I felt like I was honoring your beautiful poem. Apparently it struck you as offensive or weird. Please tell me what was wrong so I can understand and not do it again.

People have literally just scolded her for "making it about her", I wouldnt go round to a grieving persons house and ask why they didnt like my gift either, thats incredibly inappropriate. I would just apologise and then leave it to discuss at a more appropriate time.

veryfluffyfluff · 02/07/2023 20:28

PuddlesPityParty · 02/07/2023 20:10

That’s not comparable to the OPs situation at all, and acc your MIL isn’t doing anything wrong you’re being the weird one.

I'd find that odd too. I think it's because I have the photo in my possession and I've sent it to them how I've chosen. If I'd wanted it framed or turned into a momentous I would have arranged it.

veryfluffyfluff · 02/07/2023 20:30

MysteryBelle · 02/07/2023 20:24

Like I said, I’m not saying I think you were trying to be mean or weird, just giving you a possible perspective of your friend who is obviously offended. She’s offended for a reason, whether the reason is right or not, I don’t know.

Why didn’t you tell us the context from the beginning? That is kind of a drip feed. You basically came on here and said you did all the things I said you should have done. I mean you went down my list and repeated them here. Well, we don’t really know that is true because you waited until you read my post to then claim you’d done it. Maybe you did, maybe you didn’t.

I think you may have had good intentions but what you did was weird. I also think it’s weird that you are stubbornly refusing to see it from her perspective, and I think it’s weird that you don’t simply go to her house, or call her and say, I did not mean to offend you by framing your poem and sending it to you. I felt like I was honoring your beautiful poem. Apparently it struck you as offensive or weird. Please tell me what was wrong so I can understand and not do it again.’

Instead, you text, sorry I offended you. Just very plain. No curiosity on your part to find out why she was offended or to make yourself clear to her. If you’re so close that she sent you that poem, then you should be able to talk it through and reconcile.

Oh dear me no! Just leave her alone OP please don't go round there to discuss your gift!

PuddlesPityParty · 02/07/2023 20:30

veryfluffyfluff · 02/07/2023 20:28

I'd find that odd too. I think it's because I have the photo in my possession and I've sent it to them how I've chosen. If I'd wanted it framed or turned into a momentous I would have arranged it.

But if you send it to someone they are now also in possession of the photo and are free to do what they want with it. If you don’t want them to do anything with it, don’t send it or upload it. It’s not weird for a grandma to want pictures of their grandchild in their house, don’t be so ridiculous

moonlitwalks · 02/07/2023 20:30

JudgeAnderson · 02/07/2023 20:28

And please don’t try and compare your ‘grieving’ your DH moving out to her grief at her friend’s death.

What an awful thing to say. I'd personally find my DH leaving me much harder than a friend dying.

So would I. I love my friends but DH is my life partner and my children's dad. That would affect me far more.

veryfluffyfluff · 02/07/2023 20:31

PuddlesPityParty · 02/07/2023 20:30

But if you send it to someone they are now also in possession of the photo and are free to do what they want with it. If you don’t want them to do anything with it, don’t send it or upload it. It’s not weird for a grandma to want pictures of their grandchild in their house, don’t be so ridiculous

Yes of course they can that's why I wouldn't do it. I print them for my relatives.

Snowdrop89 · 02/07/2023 20:31

@Sugarspiceallthingsnice2 that’s exactly why I did it. I didn’t want my check ins to sound like open ended offers of being there. I wanted to do something to show I care. It was as simple as that.

OP posts:
giraffetrousers · 02/07/2023 20:31

veryfluffyfluff · 02/07/2023 20:30

Oh dear me no! Just leave her alone OP please don't go round there to discuss your gift!

Seriously- this is a bloody terrible idea.

veryfluffyfluff · 02/07/2023 20:32

Snowdrop89 · 02/07/2023 20:31

@Sugarspiceallthingsnice2 that’s exactly why I did it. I didn’t want my check ins to sound like open ended offers of being there. I wanted to do something to show I care. It was as simple as that.

Next time just make a cake or send some ready meals. Something practical

Reallybadidea · 02/07/2023 20:33

happyfoot · 02/07/2023 20:28

I also think it’s weird that you are stubbornly refusing to see it from her perspective, and I think it’s weird that you don’t simply go to her house, or call her and say, I did not mean to offend you by framing your poem and sending it to you. I felt like I was honoring your beautiful poem. Apparently it struck you as offensive or weird. Please tell me what was wrong so I can understand and not do it again.

People have literally just scolded her for "making it about her", I wouldnt go round to a grieving persons house and ask why they didnt like my gift either, thats incredibly inappropriate. I would just apologise and then leave it to discuss at a more appropriate time.

Totally agree.

PuddlesPityParty · 02/07/2023 20:33

OP I was told by a friend that when their grandma died, their mum much preferred more practical gifts as getting flowers, photos, etc. just made the grief reappear.

you had good intentions, I don’t think your friend will fall out with you they just need space and time to grieve. Sorry to hear about your husband and you 💖

crazyaboutcats · 02/07/2023 20:34

OP you did not do anything wrong please do not overthink it and be kind to yourself. You are absolutely going through grief as well

Snowdrop89 · 02/07/2023 20:34

@JudgeAnderson honestly losing my family is horrendous. If I could exchange that for losing a best friend I think I would. But I’m not downplaying my friend’s grief, it’s a massive massive thing that’s devastating hence why I wanted to do something I thought would be supportive. And I’ve deliberately not really talked much beyond the facts about my situation with her, in respect of her grief and lack of headspace.

OP posts:
Bellagio40 · 02/07/2023 20:37

veryfluffyfluff · 02/07/2023 18:35

See I'd find that too much OP. I'd be weirded out.

I agree with this. I would find it strange. She wanted to show you the picture and the poem she wrote because you are such a close friend. I really don’t understand why would you frame them and send them to her.