Did I do something wrong?

[Snowdrop89]

A friend recently lost her best friend in a horrific accident. She sent me some photos of her with her friend and also a poem she had written for her. I decided to put one of the photos & the poem in a frame & sent to her as a keepsake. She reacted in a way I didn’t expect & I’m now questioning if I did something wrong… she said “I have got home to receive your gift. I want to thank you for the kind intent but ask you not to send me any further gifts.” How would you interpret this? I’m at a loss 😞 Was only trying to do something nice… have I caused offence?

I don't think this is relevant and I don't think the two things are comparable OP

grief isn’t a competition

I would have liked that gift too- and I have had quite a few bereavements recently so that contradicts all the people saying they cannot believe you would do such a thing because I would have found that gift very thoughtful.

Sorry to hear that but please don’t make this all about you. Bereavement trumps relationship breakdown even if it feels similar. I’m not trying to be mean but let your friend go through what they are going through at the moment and I’m sure they will be able to support you over your marriage in time.

I can’t believe the sheer amount of replies that thought this was ‘lovely’ and ‘thoughtful’.

I’m a gifter - I spend most of my spare time and cash thinking about suitable gifts for friends and family - it’s my ‘love language’ - and this wasn’t lovely or thoughtful. You’ve taken her raw grief and turned it into a trinket. And a trinket that contains words that you’ve stolen ownership of, and bestowed her own property back to her in the form of some strange largesse that she is supposed to be grateful for.

Yes, I know you didn’t mean it that way, and presumably most of the lovely and thoughtful people thought the same. But that’s what you did nonetheless. Far from being ‘odd’ or consumed with grief, I actually thought her text was very restrained.

You are clearly not good at giving thoughtful gifts so her request is perfectly sane and reasonable.

I’m sorry to hear about your marriage troubles. Maybe that has clouded your judgement where your friend is concerned.

It's thoughtful but unfortunately just too painful for her. Neither of you are wrong and you sound lovely OP

You know you meant well and I think ultimately that's what matters. Sometimes these sorts of things don't land quite right but it was with good intent. I'm sure your friend will understand that in time.

Yes I’m afraid I agree. I find it tactless, and lacking in self awareness. And overstepping boundaries. Just find it all very “off”.

It really is not the thoughtful gift it’s being made out to be, sorry. It’s akin to framing a diary entry on someone’s worst day… and then expecting them to be grateful for it. 😕

@Screamingabdabz That's it exactly. Thank you for finding the words I couldn't.

It’s akin to framing a diary entry on someone’s worst day… and then expecting them to be grateful for it absolutely nail on the head

I am wondering what I am missing that is making other people think this is a nice thing to receive.

I think it was a lovely gesture.

What you did was fine and very sweet, not weird at all. Equally, her expressing her wishes to you kindly and with gratitude is fine too. You sound like you have a mature and mutually respectful friendship, that should be a support to both of you through the coming months. I wouldn't think about it any more, and just move on.

I'm sorry for your troubles.

'You’ve taken her raw grief and turned it into a trinket. And a trinket that contains words that you’ve stolen ownership of, and bestowed her own property back to her in the form of some strange largesse that she is supposed to be grateful for.'

Oh nonsense. Her raw grief was sharing pictures and a poem, it was absolutely a lovely gesture that the op took the time to print and frame said pics and poem.

We've all lost people and one thing that is always needed is kind gestures and this was just that.

I hope you've stopped reading op, but if haven't please do not beat yourself up about this. Sorry about your dh leaving .

Indeed.

And particularly knowing the op's husband had left, which is another huge grief occasion, she just sent that message. Rather than leaving it for another day/time?

Where is her sympathy for the op's situation?

Please don't feel like this. You've done a kind and thoughtful thing - which she has acknowledged herself. She just doesn't want more gifts. Sometimes flowers or gifts can be a visual reminder of something still so raw and painful. Many people would have loved your gift - she might do so once the shock and pain has eased.

I'm so sorry about what is going on in your life currently OP, that must be incredibly hard.

Offering my perspective - many years ago a very good friend of mine died in a really awful way, and I was there when it happened. I was completely poleaxed by it, absolutely in pieces for a very long time. Perhaps not completely comparable to your friend, but similar enough that I think it's relevant.

This friend was known for always wearing checked and plaid shirts - it was her thing. Was never without one. Her sister cut up one of her favourite and most worn shirts and presented to me a small glass keyring made from the scrap. A lovely thoughtful gift similar to yours on the face of it, but it absolutely wrecked me. I cried for hours upon receiving it. It made me feel sick to even look at it. Grief can be very strange and make us react in unexpected ways to things.

I treasure the keyring now, years later when the grief isn't so raw. But right then at that precise moment it was just too much. I don't begrudge my friend's sister for the gift, and I'm sure your friend won't begrudge you. You seem very kind, try not to stress too much about it.

Take care of yourself too.

Yes just absolutely awful to make someone feel shit like this.

Actually, she sent me the poem at like 1am one night clearly struggling with sleep. I happened to wake shortly after, read the text & replied saying how meaningful & lovely it was & how expressive of her friend’s character - & asked if her friend’s relatives might find it comforting to receive. So I did that immediate piece. I was just trying to do something I thought was nice. I wasn’t trying to be weird.

@MysteryBelle Actually, she sent me the poem at like 1am one night clearly struggling with sleep. I happened to wake shortly after, read the text & replied saying how meaningful & lovely it was & how expressive of her friend’s character - & asked if her friend’s relatives might find it comforting to receive. So I did that immediate piece. I was just trying to do something I thought was nice. I wasn’t trying to be weird.

That’s not comparable to the OPs situation at all, and acc your MIL isn’t doing anything wrong you’re being the weird one.

Gosh, some people are so very, very harsh on here. But actually the vast majority think you are not being unreasonable, so hold onto that and don't take the critics too seriously.

You aren't a mindreader and you tried to do something nice for someone you care about. You got it wrong and she lashed out a bit because she's in pain and this wasn't what she needed. But that's not your fault. People who are recently bereaved are often walking time bombs because actually there is pretty much nothing that will make them feel better and they are just raging at the unfairness of it all.

She may come to realise that you meant well or she may stay angry. Coming on top of your marriage breaking up, you must feel absolutely devastated. Think about your own support network and who else you can turn to for support. And be very kind to yourself, you have every right to feel a bit battered after what's happened.

Someone sent me something when we'd had a bereavement. I was so touched that they'd thought of us, made an effort and sent something it did not cross my mind to think of it was the 'right' thing to send I was just comforted by the support.

You did a nice thing.

OP, you didn’t do ‘wrong’ and please don’t be angry with yourself. For whatever reason your friend just doesn’t want to receive gifts at present. She knows you care about her. She paid you the compliment of sharing her true feelings.

You are grieving and vulnerable too, you must be reeling about the end of your marriage, and need to look after yourself, not beat yourself up.

I slightly, ‘kind of’ get what she means. At my mother’s funeral a cousin asked if she could have the flowers from the wake because she wanted to make me a wreath with them. I told her I knew she meant it kindly but seeing the funeral flowers would upset me. She was very upset and asked me again if she could do it; I just reiterated what I already said. If this kind of thing happens again I’d just say ‘sure’ to spare feelings and then put it away or pitch it! Anyway, though, since she already did the photos and poem I think she’s way OTT. You did nothing wrong!

You did something kind and she has tried to be thankful for it but she’s grieving right now, her emotions will be all over the place. She sent you the poem, in the middle of the night when she couldn’t sleep. She was just getting the thoughts out of her head so I’d say she’s fragile and doesn’t want the poem framed and on display. It’s more of a reminder of pain right now than looking back at the happy moments.

Yes you’re both grieving but for two completely different circumstances, sadly not comparable right now. Give her the space she needs and when she’s ready, she’ll Hopefully come back and explain the way she reacted.
Right now, focus on you. I’m sorry you’re going through a hard time. Do you have anyone else to talk to?