To find the "why did you marry him" comments unhelpful

[AtTheZoo]

Every thread about some dickhead bloke has comment after comment

"Ah he can't have been like that before otherwise you wouldn't have been stupid enough to marry him"

"Why would you marry someone like that"

Etc

And then with the "why did you have another baby" comments. Usually when someone has had a baby with some arsehole but today I even saw someone question a 2nd child due to 1st child having a disability

I just don't think these comments are truly trying to be helpful. The majority are to victim blame or make someone feel guilty or stupid for what has happened.

Am I wrong?

Because of various threads recently I now feel that some posters just get a thrill from being snide or giving someone a kicking and that they are all people who you would never think in real life would mete out nastiness to strangers hiding behind a username.

I get the same but I just ignore. I know I made the biggest mistake of my life with that arsehole and cursed my kids with him but i don't think the question comes from malice, they genuinely don't understand. And neither do i ! But no, not helpful !

As unpleasant as they are they are quite valid questions imho.

It's not victim blaming to ask why someone married a useless partner or why the hell did they think 4th kid when they have no money and relationship just about to breakdown 🤷

Personal responsibility exists for women too. Tolerating useless partner, having kids without thinking it through does not make one a victim.

Maybe if these questions are asked people will stop just shrugging shoulders with"oh well, normal innit". It certainly shouldn't be normal.

Alao half that threads seem to be made up for froth lately anyway!

I don't think you're wrong but maybe they are helpful to others who haven't got married/had a second child yet.

I think listening to Jo Rowling on the witch trials podcast shows why those questions aren't helpful. She knew she shouldn't do the next step of marriage, she told herself it wouldn't go that far, but somehow it did.

I agree that it’s not very helpful.
I do get very frustrated with the women who don’t seem to be able to live life without a man any man and think they should reproduce with these different men.

Those questions (especially the child one!) aren't particularly helpful I guess, but also perhaps it'll be helpful for the OP to think and put things into perspective and wonder why they did intact decide to marry someone horrible?

I'm unsure, but in real life you'd say to your friends "why are you with that idiot" if they were with an idiot. If someone is with someone who's an arsehole and goes ahead and marries them knowing what they're like, it's a pretty valid question to ask why on earth they did that then thought things would change? Maybe it's less helpful when people pile on and that's all the thread is, but what comments would an OP think would come if they post about a horrible partner asking for advice? It's that or ltb 😂

Red flags don't look red when you're wearing rose-tinted glasses which is why it can take some people years to realise they've married a dud.

I agree, OP. I also hate the "why did you have a child/another child with this man?". It's spectacularly unhelpful and, aside from presuming everyone actually has control over their own reproductive choices (which not everyone does), neither the question nor the answer serves any purpose - it's not like OP could say "you're right" and shove the child back into her uterus, is it?

100%. Obviously they changed. It is also asking for a drip feed.

Also, by the time OP gets to the thread she probably has already asked them nicely/ had multiple talks about whatever it is and even offered ultimatums. Until you have lived with someone who isn’t reasonable and doesn’t care you won’t understand the level if desperation some people feel.

So, no, OPprobably isn’t going to try the “talk to him nicely” suggestion well because she probably has been doing that unsuccessfully for years.

Indeed, and many abusive husbands don’t start the abuse until the woman is pregnant, or stuck at home with toddlers. The chaps will be charm personified, love bombing a vulnerable woman, until they have moved them away from their families, cut them off from their friends, persuaded them to give up their jobs, undermined their self esteem by negging them, etc.

Also things that are exciting, fun and enjoyable in your youth are probably less so in your 30’s/40’s with kids. Often one part of the couple changes and the other does not.

Because although it might not help the op it may help someone who recognises the situation but doesn’t have children yet with their idiot.

But someone’s when you read a thread and the op has two children the husbands already shit but the op thinks it would be a good idea for a third you’ve got to smash your head on the keyboard when they are back a year later bitching that his shit

I feel really conflicted on this one. On the knee hand I think men are responsible for their own bad behaviour as father's and husbands. Women are often in positions of less power both in society and in relationships.

On the other hand I feel women will probably only get treatment they deserve if we start to not put up with shit. It's in the man's interest to maintain the status quo. So they won't change.

It does also feel massively frustrating so many women seem to wilfully ignore the massive red flags.

Well it is worth trying to sort out why if a man was already like this before they got married and then the OP went ahead and married him, and now they are suddenly deciding this behaviour isn’t ok; or was he different before and then changed dramatically.

it’s often badly worded but there is an element that it matters - has he changed, or is he exactly as he’s always been and the OP has changed.

id give different advice to a woman who’s previously lovely dh has turned into a dickhead overnight to a woman who’s been happily married to a dickhead for years and then suddenly woken up to the idea sharing your life with a dickhead is shit.

I think it can be helpful for the OP or for others on the boards to question why certain things have happened.

Because I've no doubt for every 'black and white' scenario (such as the man being utterly wonderful until the wife is pregnant. Or contraception failing catastrophically with no access to morning after pill) there are many 'grey' scenarios where the warning signs are there.

I've seen it in RL too... one of my friendship group chose to have a second child despite telling us all how miserable she was and how her marriage was on the rocks. A really poor decision imo, very unfair on the child.

This! People - especially younger, financially vulnerable women have to think very carefully about what their future lives will be like when they agree to marry/have kids/buy property/give up paid work.

I feel that often the red flags are there but ignored. No one changes that much.

I would never ask on the thread, as the op usually is sad and vulnerable, but it is a valid question. Surely women are responsible for their own life choices?

Too many seem to put having a partner above everything else, including the safety of their children.
It gets very frustrating on mn hearing the same tale over and over.

You can also watch the next batch of disasters unfurling on the threads about new partners, where the OP is totally disregarding all the red flags and some genuinely good advice.
They're going to carry on regardless and I want to shout 'But, why?'.

Every single post where the "advice" is to go back in time and undo the cause of the problem is a snide dig, honestly. You can spot them a mile off.

Kind, helpful people don't tell distressed mothers to unhave their children. They might sometimes advise them to leave their husband, or get a different job, or move house, but not to unlive their life so far. We can only go forward.

You can't unlive yourlife but you can use it to not do the same again. Which many do...
Pointing out that the issue was 6 years agoand shoukd have been dealt with differently is not mean or nasty.

I think the thoughts sometimes , especially when people have second or third children and then complain that the partner was always a nasty bit of work . In my head I am screaming why ? !

but I try and zip it .

It isn't helpful for the OP but it might be helpful for someone reading who is thinking about adding a 2nd baby.

I have advised OP's with 1 child and a shit husband to not have more children with him and I stand by that.

Honestly, I absolutely think it on some threads when OP has multiple children and she says shit husband has never parented them.

As unpleasant as they are they are quite valid questions imho.
If married, at some point the DW felt ready to commit their life to this person. Surely being asked to remember how things were, may ignite a spark to resolve the current situation?
I'm sorry but I refuse to believe that any (NT) woman in Europe or the US does not have the ability to access the suitably of a potential life partner.

This

Of course it's natural to think it. It's always clear how other people are going wrong... And so simple for them to change it! ;)

But it's not advice. That's more like reviewing their lives like a tv show. But they are real humans and it's actually happening.

It’s not always the case thst someone changes when married/had baby. Many times the signs were there all along but the op ignored/was blind/made excuses …. And I agree there are numerous threads where they already have 2 children, there are problems in the relationship then the op had another and then seems surprised they still have problems

completely agree that women need to start taking some personal responsibility for their choices so while the might not be able to change the fact they married him/had another baby etc they should learn to take steps to change things

You'll just get more of the same judgmental unimaginative asshole posts here now OP but YANBU. Yes people make errors of judgement but sometimes we only get to know who the person really is once we're living with them.