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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find the "why did you marry him" comments unhelpful

148 replies

AtTheZoo · 02/07/2023 17:53

Every thread about some dickhead bloke has comment after comment

"Ah he can't have been like that before otherwise you wouldn't have been stupid enough to marry him"

"Why would you marry someone like that"

Etc

And then with the "why did you have another baby" comments. Usually when someone has had a baby with some arsehole but today I even saw someone question a 2nd child due to 1st child having a disability

I just don't think these comments are truly trying to be helpful. The majority are to victim blame or make someone feel guilty or stupid for what has happened.

Am I wrong?

OP posts:
5128gap · 02/07/2023 18:46

Because it takes a lot more wisdom, life experience, knowledge and intelligence to advise an OP on options to improve their situation than it does to tell them why it went wrong.

Ragwort · 02/07/2023 18:47

Maybe it will help someone else actually stop and think about what they are looking for in a partner and father for their child? And it does get so frustrating when (nearly every day) you read a thread and the OP says 'my DH has never really helped with our first DC but now I'm expecting our second and its just so hard .... '.
I know this won't be a popular comment but I do think some women are so desperate to have a baby that they overlook their DH's bad points ....

Thepeopleversuswork · 02/07/2023 18:48

I think there's a distinction between "why did you marry him?" and "don't have another baby with him."

There's a particularly unpleasant strain of smug on here from women who married dull, solvent blokes who do everything by the book (known as "Nigels" for shorthand) who are very quick to pipe up on these threads and say "I chose my Nigel because I knew he wasn't going to do x, y and z and I chose well". I think this is just stealth bragging tbh. Phenomenally unhelpful and unconstructive: most of this is down to luck and they enjoy making other less fortunate women feel bad.

On the other hand there are women who post on here who are already in very suboptimal marriages or LTRs who will talk about TTC. In this scenario I think a very robust "Don't have children with this man" is perfectly legitimate.

5128gap · 02/07/2023 18:49

Thepeopleversuswork · 02/07/2023 18:48

I think there's a distinction between "why did you marry him?" and "don't have another baby with him."

There's a particularly unpleasant strain of smug on here from women who married dull, solvent blokes who do everything by the book (known as "Nigels" for shorthand) who are very quick to pipe up on these threads and say "I chose my Nigel because I knew he wasn't going to do x, y and z and I chose well". I think this is just stealth bragging tbh. Phenomenally unhelpful and unconstructive: most of this is down to luck and they enjoy making other less fortunate women feel bad.

On the other hand there are women who post on here who are already in very suboptimal marriages or LTRs who will talk about TTC. In this scenario I think a very robust "Don't have children with this man" is perfectly legitimate.

Spot on as usual.

EmmaDilemma5 · 02/07/2023 18:52

YANBU.

People who say this are hypocritics. As if they've never made a poor or naive decision.

They say it, because it makes them feel bigger. Like THEY wouldn't have been foolish enough to marry a man who promises to help but doesn't (as if the woman should have a crystal ball).

But it's not surprising, there are so many bully-like characters on mumnet. They wouldn't say boo to a goose in real life but boy they like to try to dish it out on here. Sad really.

electriclight · 02/07/2023 18:52

When I see that type of comment I hope it's at least useful to someone who's reading and about to make the same mistake.

redskytwonight · 02/07/2023 18:52

I think the phraseology is often unhelpful, but it can something be useful for the OP to go back and think "why did I ....?" And yes, the answer might be that she was wearing rose tinted glasses, or that she wasn't thinking straight, or she was exhausted because she had a newborn, or that he was nice as anything before she got pregnant. But sometimes actually there was a good, tangible reason and it helps to remember that.
Equally, it might be good to reflect and realise that, yes, actually he was always an arsehole and this isn't temporary behaviour that's likely to change.

Debini · 02/07/2023 18:52

I don’t think it’s helpful but it is a valid question.

SouthLondonMum22 · 02/07/2023 18:57

Thepeopleversuswork · 02/07/2023 18:48

I think there's a distinction between "why did you marry him?" and "don't have another baby with him."

There's a particularly unpleasant strain of smug on here from women who married dull, solvent blokes who do everything by the book (known as "Nigels" for shorthand) who are very quick to pipe up on these threads and say "I chose my Nigel because I knew he wasn't going to do x, y and z and I chose well". I think this is just stealth bragging tbh. Phenomenally unhelpful and unconstructive: most of this is down to luck and they enjoy making other less fortunate women feel bad.

On the other hand there are women who post on here who are already in very suboptimal marriages or LTRs who will talk about TTC. In this scenario I think a very robust "Don't have children with this man" is perfectly legitimate.

See, now I don't understand how this is helpful either.

Why are good, decent men ''dull''?
Why does society have such low standards when it comes to men that marrying a good, decent man is lucky when more often than not, there are red flags before marriage and/or children?
How is it helpful to tell women that it is just down to luck instead of encouraging women to have high standards, look out for red flags and not to settle?

Ragwort · 02/07/2023 18:59

Is it 'smug' or is it 'sensible'? I probably married a 'Nigel' and perhaps he feels the same about me ... dull, but solvent Confused. I've had 'racy' boyfriends in the past, yes, fun at the time but I could see that they weren't the type to marry. When I met my now DH he lived away from home in his own place, and I could observe that he knew how to cook, clean, do DIY, be nice to his mother, volunteer in the community, use condoms without complaining .... etc etc ... dull maybe to some ... and he was probably looking for similar values in me.

ThatFraggle · 02/07/2023 19:02

It depends. Like one op talking about a husband who lies and steals, but he was like that before they married.

Other situations of a partner becoming unhelpful after kids, not equal parenting etc, the signs in advance are more subtle.

Laiste · 02/07/2023 19:03

I think if you throw a question out to the general public (MN) about a problem you have you need to accept you're going to get a mix of straight talking and gentle advice.

Surely that's part of the whole thing?

Sometimes you need someone to ask you hard questions about your choices rather than a load of hair stroking. It can make you look at your situation with fresh eyes.

Honestly, when i've posted stuff about my own life, while the softly soft answers were nice, it's the posts which were hardest to read which helped the most in the long run.

PollyCreo · 02/07/2023 19:06

One of my friends very gently advised me not to marry my ex husband, another told me in very blunt terms not to have children with him. I ignored the first piece of advice but sensibly followed the second, they were both very wise women.

Sometimes you need a wake up call, a kick up the backside and tough love.

gloov · 02/07/2023 19:07

It's not about being nice or nasty. It's about what you can actually do.

Advice that cannot be followed is of no value.

Original poster
AtTheZoo · 02/07/2023 19:15

Yeah I've got no problem with straight talking advice...LTB, don't have another kid, prioritise your children etc. They are things people can actually do

(Though "why don't you just leave" is about the most unhelpful thing you can say if any kind of control or abuse)

Im talking about "what were you thinking" or "why did you get yourself into this situation".

They seem more about blame than solutions.

OP posts:
Mumtothreegirlies · 02/07/2023 19:15

I wouldn’t worry these women will change their names on MN when they have a complaint about their husbands flaccid penis or Porn they’ve found on their husbands phone.
or maybe they can’t get a husband so like to dig at those that do.

Allmyghosts · 02/07/2023 19:15

Meh, some people are the architects of their own misery, if a bloke is blatantly abusive, continuing to procreate with him, unless you are literally held captive is pure idiocy.

AuntieStella · 02/07/2023 19:16

I think it's a valid question, as the answer can shed light on why it all started going wrong. And that's often worth exploring as part of finding good options for what next.

Sarcastic bitch-plopping, whether it's misusing this question or any other, isn't going to be helpful

Stickybackplasticbear · 02/07/2023 19:16

Ragwort · 02/07/2023 18:59

Is it 'smug' or is it 'sensible'? I probably married a 'Nigel' and perhaps he feels the same about me ... dull, but solvent Confused. I've had 'racy' boyfriends in the past, yes, fun at the time but I could see that they weren't the type to marry. When I met my now DH he lived away from home in his own place, and I could observe that he knew how to cook, clean, do DIY, be nice to his mother, volunteer in the community, use condoms without complaining .... etc etc ... dull maybe to some ... and he was probably looking for similar values in me.

Yeah same I has some absolutely awful boyfriends who made me feel like shit. I ws ready for a nice loving partner when I met mine of 19 years. Just because he's not a dick doesn't make him dull. I feel people saying that sound spiteful and jealous of others sensible decisions.

Honestly though we all probably know women in real life who wilfully ignore red flags. I'm actually not sure we should put loads of individual blame on them due to gender inequality. But pointing out they have done so isn't exactly a crime. Perhaps thinking about why they did this is helpful.

summerstyle · 02/07/2023 19:22

I find the just LTB comments incredibly unhelpful too. If it was that easy I would have done it years ago!

SouthLondonMum22 · 02/07/2023 19:23

Mumtothreegirlies · 02/07/2023 19:15

I wouldn’t worry these women will change their names on MN when they have a complaint about their husbands flaccid penis or Porn they’ve found on their husbands phone.
or maybe they can’t get a husband so like to dig at those that do.

Or they actually have decent husbands
Or they would rather not ''get'' a husband if meant marrying some of the examples you hear on MN with men refusing to parent their own children

Original poster
AtTheZoo · 02/07/2023 19:24

Allmyghosts · 02/07/2023 19:15

Meh, some people are the architects of their own misery, if a bloke is blatantly abusive, continuing to procreate with him, unless you are literally held captive is pure idiocy.

No understanding of how abuse and control works. 1 in 4 women end up in abusive relationships at some point in their life. A lot of lunacy going round then. Direct some of that blame and judgement towards the thousands of men committing the crime, rather than the victims of it.

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 02/07/2023 19:25

@SouthLondonMum22

Why are good, decent men ''dull''?
Why does society have such low standards when it comes to men that marrying a good, decent man is lucky when more often than not, there are red flags before marriage and/or children?
How is it helpful to tell women that it is just down to luck instead of encouraging women to have high standards, look out for red flags and not to settle?

It’s a fair cop and on the “dull” point you are correct - bad choice of words on my part. We do place too much emphasis on people who are dazzling or exciting at this point on our lives.

But this misses the fact that it simply isn’t possible to weed out all the cheaters and the flakes and the abusers before marriage. Yes sometimes people ignore bright red flags and yes people should have high standards but a lot of men keep an unpleasant nature very well under wraps until a woman is properly trapped. It is dishonest and unkind to crow that “I made sure I found a good one” on a thread where a woman has been cheated on by a man she previously trusted implicitly.

DrSbaitso · 02/07/2023 19:25

It's a good question, though.

Unsure33 · 02/07/2023 19:28

Allmyghosts · 02/07/2023 19:15

Meh, some people are the architects of their own misery, if a bloke is blatantly abusive, continuing to procreate with him, unless you are literally held captive is pure idiocy.

And unfortunately some pick the same kind of men more than once and they are not always youngsters either .I think they chose to ignore the red flags , which is fine , but don’t cry afterwards when it all goes wrong .