To find the "why did you marry him" comments unhelpful

[AtTheZoo]

Every thread about some dickhead bloke has comment after comment

"Ah he can't have been like that before otherwise you wouldn't have been stupid enough to marry him"

"Why would you marry someone like that"

Etc

And then with the "why did you have another baby" comments. Usually when someone has had a baby with some arsehole but today I even saw someone question a 2nd child due to 1st child having a disability

I just don't think these comments are truly trying to be helpful. The majority are to victim blame or make someone feel guilty or stupid for what has happened.

Am I wrong?

Why is being a decent man “dull”? I hate that lazy stereotype. So damaging.

I had a violent exciting boyfriend in my twenties but had the brains to realise he wasn’t husband material. Dh decent thoughtful careful amazing father but far far from “ dull”.

It's a really uncomfortable truth that some women are addicted to abusive relationships. They find them exciting and think normal ones are boring.

It isn't always possible, you're correct but I do believe in the majority of cases signs are absolutely there but they can be subtle and difficult to miss.

I still don't think the answer is saying it's down to luck because it does imply that the standards for men are very low.

I see what you’re saying but I don’t think I agree with you where the question pr
statement isn’t dripping in malice or condescension. I think pointing out that a person has played a part in the situation that they now find themselves in can actually be helpful. Reminding someone that their situation hasn’t just occurred or been inflicted on them can stop them feeling like victims as it speaks to their agency. Yes, you made a dumb choice by marrying this prince amongst men but that means you can also make a choice to end the marriage. Or, if you married him because you didn’t want to be alone then perhaps you need to invest in some therapy to build up your self-esteem so you can find the strength to go it alone. That said, I have little sympathy for people who bring children into terrible marriages because it shows little thought for the babies that didn’t ask to be born and who will be paying the consequences for their mother’s error of judgment forevermore.

The above obviously doesn’t apply to abusive relationships where different dynamics are at play.

Im talking about "what were you thinking" or "why did you get yourself into this situation".

Whilst they're blunt questions there is a difference between victim blaming and asking people to take personal responsibility for their part in their situation.

The OP will be "I'm 9mo pregnant with our 3rd and yesterday DH yelled at me because I asked him to hoover the living room when DS tracked mud from the garden all over the carpet. AIBU to be upset at his refusal to do it?"

Then you'll get further into the thread where the OP will then massively drip feed that her DH has always been lazy, never helped with housework, has never parented their children and generally opts out of family life.

In those circumstances I do think that asking the question "Why did you think he would do anything other than refuse to help?" is a very blunt way of putting it but is also a necessary question for someone who seems to be deliberately oblivious to their partners red flags. Posters could be all "soft hand holding" with their responses trying to gently steer the OP towards seeing their partner isn't going to change but often it's the hard hitting "WTF were you thinking?" posts that make people realise that their partner is not going to change and the only one who can do anything about the situation is the OP, by facing some difficult home truths.

Or they are perfectly happy to stay single and don't consider their life is of less worth because they haven't "got" a husband?

A real shame that (presumably) a woman is making such a negative comment about other women who haven't "got" husbands. perhaps some women married the low life that they did because they were sick of people telling them that any husband was better than being single?

I agree with your last point, I’ve said it on here myself.

Its like the thread the other day where someone was proclaiming she was devastated as the guy she’d been messaging for a week, that’s 7 days, changed his mind. They hadn’t even been on a date but he was “the one” and she could see a future….🙄.

It’s very easy to ignore signs when you’re giddy with love and so focussed on the future that you aren’t paying enough attention to the present. I sincerely doubt that the men who cheat or are generally useless showed absolutely no signs of this before marriage. Rather, the woman chose to ignore or didn’t look for the signs.

I totally agree with you. I’ve. Also noticed that many of the folk who do this try to get in as early as possible to reply so they can ‘set the tone’ for the subsequent replies. It’s horrible.

@melj1213 I agree about that narrative. They start with a small example and then it builds into the bloke being a total dick. But that's just the OPs way in I guess? They're seeking validation.

And also being treated like shit for years really does do something to your perception and gaslighting behaviour is very confusing. You're being told by the man you love its all in your head. Every fucking day you're being told you're mad as a fruitcake. It's hard to know your arse from your elbow

Having said all that I agree with straight talking 100%. Just think it should be forward looking not backwards

(Though I do agree it could possibly help in a therapy environment to stop patterns repeating and the woman just getting another horrible partner)

Absolutely that too.

It doesn't surprise me coming from that pp though. Yesterday she was judging working mothers on one thread because babies belong at the mothers breast yet on another thread she said she was a shell of herself and her husband doesn't do anything.

As someone who did marry someone who was a shit husband and father I think it is a perfectly valid question. Whilst I am not accountable for his behaviour, I should be held accountable for my own. There were multiple red flags which I should have taken seriously & not buried my head in the sand. I chose to “give” my children a bad father. That’s on me.

Of course there are some men who were perfect until after marriage & kids but if women were more honest then many would realise that the warning signs were always there. Implying that women do not have agency & could never have foreseen what was going to happen does not help future generations of women avoid the same stupid mistakes.

I agree OP.

DH and I had been together 16 years when DS was born, and had been married for 6 years. My husband developed depression and started drinking to self medicate when DS was small. I didn't know that was going to happen. DS is an only child in part due to this. Yet on the rare occasion I've posted for advice on here I receive snidey comments. I always think this means the posters that say such things have no experience of the issue so have no right to comment and should be ignored.
I hope these people never experience something completely unexpected from their DP/DH and find themselves needing support with a very difficult situation (illness, infidelity, addiction, useless partner issues, ' man with 'big job' syndrome , addiction, midlife crisis, the list goes on).
Some peoples minds and lives are narrow and limited, just ignore them.

@Marchmount I'm not implying women don't have agency.

I just don't believe people who ask "why did you do it" are genuinely trying to help the OP get themselves sorted and safe from whatever arsehole is in their life. To me, they often sound more about blame than providing advice or support to someone in need.

• Lack of empathy
• A feeling of superority
• Enjoyment of the sensation of righteous anger at both the partner who made poor choices or lacked seeing-into-future skills
• Being an unpleasant idiot

The first 3 posts seem to set the tone. And blaming the op seems to be the default.

I actually find the answers are often a very good warning to others tbh. Especially as often women explain that the dh was very nice in the early days and explains how they were very nice, often love bombing them etc which can raise a red flag to women who may recognise this in their own dp. I also think it's a fair question and when answered does genuinely reveal things that the OP may be helped with such as low self esteem themselves etc

Sometimes if stupidity isn’t called out the poor soul is destined to repeat the mistake

These comments aren’t there to be helpful, but to show the poster how silly they’ve been

Whilst I am not accountable for his behaviour, I should be held accountable for my own.

I don't think the question is necessary for holding anyone to account, but as a genuine, non-facetious ask. Why did you marry him if he's such an arsehole? Why did you keep having kids with him when he demonstrated what a shit father he is? What was the process? Did he hide it completely? Were there red flags you missed or ignored? Why?

I know from the stories my parents told me that my father was displaying red flags all over the shop before he married my mother and it got worse after the wedding. My mother basically thought his aggression, violence and uncontrolled temper were both a sign of how strong and manly he was, and also how terribly vulnerable hr was after a shit upbringing and how he just needed the love of a good woman to bring out his latent wonderfulness. She also thought that abusive screaming matches in which absolutely horrible, unforgivable things were said while we three kids cowered together under a duvet in tears were a sign of the great passion of their relationship.

Spoiler alert: she was wrong on all counts. It was fucked up. But that's how she saw it and that's why she married him and kept procreating with him.

I'm not saying all abused women have that thought process, but clearly some do. It's useful to know so you can try not to make that mistake, or at least not make it twice. I certainly asked myself, and her, why she did it so I could try to learn from her mistakes.

Woman marries lazy fucking idiot.
They have a child.
Lazy idiot does nothing to care for his child.
They have another child.
Lazy idiot does nothing to care for either of his children.
Third pregnancy happens.
Woman complains that she is pregnant with two other children to look after and her partner is useless.

🤔

If the OP shows a modicum of insight then I agree that it’s pointless to twist the knife in further. But so many of these posts are worded like “oh I’m 8 months pregnant with my 3rd child & my dh is being selfish in x scenario” then it becomes clear that he’s always been selfish yet the OP has continued to have child after child with him and expect him somehow to stop doing what he’s always done. Whilst it may seem “nice/ kind” to state that the OP was an idiot to marry him/ have kids with him in the first place then nothing will actually change.

Because I’m sick of seeing stupid woman marry their partners thinking marriage will
chnage them. Then they moan when partner doesn’t change.

@Duckskitbank has worded it much more eloquently than me….. in my case it was alcoholic, ineffectual man and I stopped at 2 kids thankfully but he was the same person (to a lesser) degree throughout his whole adult life. Isn’t there an Einstein quote about madness is doing the same thing again and again but expecting a different result?

This.

From experience of friends and family, it's the excitement of the "bad boy" - some girls/women love it, the freedom, lack of responsibility, etc, and get a thrill out of their boyfriend "living on the edge", such as speeding in their cars, getting drunk or high on drugs, getting involved in fights, etc. They seem to get a "high" being around that, and yes, the sex is usually better.

For some reason, they genuinely think that the man/boy will "grow up" and that they can change them into a responsible partner/parent, so that they'll still have the "thrill" but alongside responsibility.

It just doesn't happen that way.

And isn't the best response to this scenario some version of "You don't have to put up with this any longer, you and your kids can leave"

Rather than "what is wrong with you" or "why have you got yourself in this position"

I don't know what someone can possibly say to those questions other than feeling shit about themselves. The answer will be so complex it needs a therapist to work through