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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have anyone babysit my daughter?

174 replies

Mamabird2022 · 01/07/2023 23:02

Backstory: I was told a few years ago that I probably couldn’t have children as I had severe endometriosis. I was lucky to fall pregnant and now have a 9m old daughter. I had a traumatic birth and my midwife was practically prepping us on the way to theatre that my daughter could have been very sick when she was born. Thankfully she wasn’t but I was diagnosed with PTSD after the birth.
I was at playgroup this week and the other parents were discussing how they look forward to weekends so their parents/parents in law have their children and I was the only one at group who has never had my daughter babysat by anyone. My MIL has offered to have her overnight or to have her for a few hours through the day however I have refused. She said I’m being unreasonable and need to cut ties now otherwise my DD will be attached only to me and I’m going to hinder her having other relationships apart from me and her dad. My DD and MIL have a good relationship however I don’t feel comfortable being away from her for long periods of time. I suffer with anxiety attacks when I’m away from her for longer that half an hour and my DD cries and cries until she sees me again. My MIL said that she should be left to cry it out and she will be fine afterwards and I just need to leave her for the day to stop her being so reliant on me. I actually find this quite distressing to think about. I spoke to my neighbour about this as she had a baby 4 weeks ago and she said that her mother babysits her DS the past two Saturdays so she and her partner could go out for a date and she was shocked that I’ve not left her for the past 9 months.
Am I being unreasonable by not letting my MIL have my daughter?

OP posts:
BusyInTheGarden · 01/07/2023 23:07

So what happens if you have an appointment or fall ill? Work?

MNTourist · 01/07/2023 23:08

Not unreasonable to feel so protective of your child but in the long term you do need to learn to trust a few other people with her for both your sakes. Maybe start by leaving her with her dad only for a could have hours them maybe a grandparent whilst you and dh go
for lunch then build up to longer periods.

Octonaut4Life · 01/07/2023 23:09

It's okay not to let anyone babysit your child if you're not comfortable with it, and a lot of mums wouldn't be comfortable leaving their baby overnight at that age. However your reaction to leaving her for half an hour seems over the top. Do you leave her with her dad?

Notahugger2023 · 01/07/2023 23:10

You poor thing! You have been through a lot and she is still so young.

You should go at your own pace and do baby steps. I would start with a 2 hour visit for DD with your MIL at your house or her house and you go for a long walk and some lunch. Would that be doable for you?

Although to be fair I wouldn’t be leaving her at MILs over night if she thinks a 9 month old should cry it out.

Original poster
Mamabird2022 · 01/07/2023 23:10

@BusyInTheGarden I’m quite lucky that my partner currently makes enough for me to stay at home but if I have an appointment she either comes with me or her dad has her

OP posts:
OrwellianTimes · 01/07/2023 23:10

I think you need to split everything out here.

Your MIL is being a bit overbearing. She’s wrong. Your DD will not suffer from not having sleepovers. Your kid your rules.

However don’t let your anxiety dictate everything here. Your baby is still young, but as she grows you may well appreciate the offer from relatives to have her for a night. Don’t cut yourself off from the possibility of help because of your anxiety. I totally understand fwiw, I’ve been through it, I’m getting counselling for the anxiety and it is helping me massively.

Original poster
Mamabird2022 · 01/07/2023 23:11

@MNTourist my partner has her so I can do whatever I need to do but apart from that no one else has had her

OP posts:
Babynumber2x · 01/07/2023 23:13

Definitely not, your baby, your rules! If you’re not comfortable, you’re not comfortable and there’s nothing wrong with that. I’m in a bit of a similar situation. I think mine has been brought about by my son being so good at sleeping all night since very young. I’ve never ‘needed’ the help or been desperate for someone to take him over night. He’s just turned 2 and has stayed at my mum’s only twice in his life and both times were when we had a wedding/event that meant he couldn’t have stayed at home. I trust my mum 100% and he loves her as much as he loves me but because I’m not desperate for someone to take him I just never have. During the day she will take him for a few hours here and there but I’m not comfortable with the in-laws taking him as they don’t make much effort at all so he doesn’t know them well. They see him once every month or 2 months on average I’d say so I would just panic that he’d be upset if left with them and wouldn’t know who they were! I take him to lots of classes to socialise with other kids and I have noticed a couple of times he’s been a bit shy when we’ve went in and not wanted to leave me or needed a bit of encouragement to join in but I think that’s because a lot of the kids his age go to nursery whereas I only really have my mum to use for childcare so he’s only really used to going to her.

Most of my friend’s get a lot of help. One friend had either her mum or MIL staying every other night when our little one was born and they helped all during the night. Her toddler now stays at either one over night once every week. I always feel a bit awkward if it’s brought up as my son has had two sleepover’s ever and only because there was no way round it 🙈

Original poster
Mamabird2022 · 01/07/2023 23:13

@Octonaut4Life yrs her dad does have her however with my PTSD when I’m not around her I suffer quite badly, when I left her for half hour I could hear her literally sobbing from outside the house and I had an anxiety attack

OP posts:
tabulahrasa · 01/07/2023 23:13

I think for yours and your DD’s sake you do need to do something about not being able to leave her to the point you’re having anxiety attacks - that’s something you will need help with or it’ll create issues, it’s not healthy tbh.

But, there’s no need to be having a 9 month old stay overnight elsewhere if you don’t want her to.

tennissquare · 01/07/2023 23:15

But @Mamabird2022 , how about if your or you dh are in hospital or at an appt and need to be there together, your dd needs to be ok with someone else. Plus one day she is going to go to nursery / pre school, the sooner she gets use to being with other people the better, it's in her best interest to do this even if for 1 or 2 hours a week to start.

VivaVivaa · 01/07/2023 23:15

If you were making an active choice without all the backstory that you wanted to parent in this manor I’d say proceed how you see fit. Your MIL is being a little overbearing.

However, do you think you are being somewhat driven by poor mental health? I’m not sure it’s too normal to suffer extreme anxiety attacks being away from your baby for 30 minutes. Are you getting any professional help for what you have been through?

BusyInTheGarden · 01/07/2023 23:15

Mamabird2022 · 01/07/2023 23:10

@BusyInTheGarden I’m quite lucky that my partner currently makes enough for me to stay at home but if I have an appointment she either comes with me or her dad has her

That won't be sustainable for long though

She will be walking soon.

Is there a problem with you mil?

Grumpigal · 01/07/2023 23:16

Well in your case I think it’s not quite as straightforward as it would usually be.

On the one hand you absolutely do not “have” to let anyone babysit or leave your baby if you don’t want to. End of.

However it’s not a case of you just not wanting to, it’s liked to your anxiety. Which if you don’t address it could get worse and could start to cause you issues.

So no absolutely you don’t have to do anything you’re not happy with but I would consider how you can move forward to be more comfortable with the idea of having times in the future when DC might be looked after by someone else.

If nothing else you may require a medical appointment or something where you couldn’t take a young child. Or you might be poorly or need to visit some else who is poorly in hospital or anything like that.

it would definitely be a good thing to tackle the anxiety whilst you have the time and space to do so, so that in the future you can leave DC because it is likely at some point you will need to.

for what it’s worth, my oldest DC is 5 and I can count on two hands the times my children have been “babysat” - 2 overnights and 4 times for couple of hours each, in 5 years. I can leave them when I really need or want to do something but I just don’t want to!

AuntMarch · 01/07/2023 23:16

My son hadn't even gone overnight to his own dad's house at that age. He did about a month later as I wanted to establish that routine before I went back to work, didnt want to change too much for him all at once, but it certainly wasn't because I was looking forward to it!

He's 4 in a few days. I do look forward to having every other weekend "off" now, but he's still not been overnight to grandparents. He sees them a lot, on both sides, but I haven't suggested it and they've not complained because he gets up very early 😂.

Stompythedinosaur · 01/07/2023 23:18

I think there's a benefit to your dc in encouraging a strong relationship with her extended family.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 01/07/2023 23:18

As long as she has plenty solo time with her dad, then anyone else is a bonus.

But also I should add that I think it would be worth you talking through these feelings with a therapist - not to get you using mil/dm for childcare, but so that you work on your anxieties so that dd feels comfortable and confident when she goes ti preschool/ school.

Original poster
Mamabird2022 · 01/07/2023 23:19

@Babynumber2x my DD has also been a good sleeper so I’ve never needed the help but now she is getting older I feel quite pressured into leaving her and I don’t feel comfortable with it at all. We go to my MIL every week and she does have a good relationship with her but she does have bipolar and we are never sure whether she has taken her medication. I should say too as I’ve noticed I didn’t put it in the post. When I first moved to the area (I lived 300 miles away) my MIL had her first GD from 6 weeks old. I seen her screaming at her 6m GD because she wouldn’t stop crying and she had colic. That’s another factor that puts me off. We go to playgroup three times a week so she socialises with other adults and children but if I go over to the pram section to get something and she can’t see me she starts wailing

OP posts:
CrazyArmadilloLady · 01/07/2023 23:19

She’s only 9 months old! And you’ve been through a lot.

She will have to get used to being left eventually - whether that’s some sort of day care / Kindy, or ultimately, school.

But at 9 months old, I wouldn’t even be worrying about it just yet.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 01/07/2023 23:19

Stompythedinosaur · 01/07/2023 23:18

I think there's a benefit to your dc in encouraging a strong relationship with her extended family.

I don't see where rhe OP is preventing that - she just doesn't want much solo time with adults outside of mum and dad. Sounds like she spends plenty time with extended family, with mum.

Babynumber2x · 01/07/2023 23:20

@Mamabird2022 yeah she doesn’t sound like she’d be my number one choice of baby sitter if she goes on like that and your little one is just a baby still 😬

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 01/07/2023 23:22

I feel so bad for you but the situation you're in isn't healthy or sustainable long-term.

Your DD needs to learn to settle around other people and you need to be able to cope without her for longer than half an hour.

The current dynamic is dysfunctional and will cause issues for both of you down the line.

Summerfun54321 · 01/07/2023 23:22

Of course babies shouldnt be left to cry it out! Your MIL sounds old fashioned and pushy. Just smile and nod and say how lovely when people tell you about their child free time. You do you and enjoy your baby, this time doesn't last long.

Missscarletintheconservatory · 01/07/2023 23:23

You don't 'need' to leave DD with anyone else right now. You are creating secure attachments to you and her dad.

I would separate out - if you did want a babysitter, you would want it to be someone who you trust. You can't trust Mil's approach as she is in favour of letting your DD cry and thinks it will do no harm. She is saying this to your face, I wouldn't leave my baby with her. I'm speaking from experience, my MIL does not have my baby alone.

Regarding people going out on dates etc when the baby is young or looking forward to time away from their child, everyone is different. I honestly don't crave time away from DC but have now been out socially a few times for lunch or dinner. Other family members prefer to get out more, that's up to them.

I have recently started work part time, we have a nanny who has got to know DC slowly and spend time with us to see how we do things. She's really lovely.

I don't envisage DC staying overnight with anyone bar emergencies. So I'm not going to do any practice runs for something that hopefully won't occur.

Keep following your instincts and enjoy your baby.

Heyheyitsanotherday · 01/07/2023 23:26

I was the same as you op. Still am now and my children are school age. I’ve loosened a little and will let grandparents babysit for a few hours and once over night but still rare. They’re little only once. And I want to soak it all in. I genuinely love being with them (most of the time!) don’t listen to anyone. Do what’s right for you and your family xx