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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have anyone babysit my daughter?

174 replies

Mamabird2022 · 01/07/2023 23:02

Backstory: I was told a few years ago that I probably couldn’t have children as I had severe endometriosis. I was lucky to fall pregnant and now have a 9m old daughter. I had a traumatic birth and my midwife was practically prepping us on the way to theatre that my daughter could have been very sick when she was born. Thankfully she wasn’t but I was diagnosed with PTSD after the birth.
I was at playgroup this week and the other parents were discussing how they look forward to weekends so their parents/parents in law have their children and I was the only one at group who has never had my daughter babysat by anyone. My MIL has offered to have her overnight or to have her for a few hours through the day however I have refused. She said I’m being unreasonable and need to cut ties now otherwise my DD will be attached only to me and I’m going to hinder her having other relationships apart from me and her dad. My DD and MIL have a good relationship however I don’t feel comfortable being away from her for long periods of time. I suffer with anxiety attacks when I’m away from her for longer that half an hour and my DD cries and cries until she sees me again. My MIL said that she should be left to cry it out and she will be fine afterwards and I just need to leave her for the day to stop her being so reliant on me. I actually find this quite distressing to think about. I spoke to my neighbour about this as she had a baby 4 weeks ago and she said that her mother babysits her DS the past two Saturdays so she and her partner could go out for a date and she was shocked that I’ve not left her for the past 9 months.
Am I being unreasonable by not letting my MIL have my daughter?

OP posts:
ASGIRC · 02/07/2023 03:19

PatienceIsAVirtueInMM · 02/07/2023 03:03

@ASGIRC
All of our personal/parental/financial lives are different.
Because some are able to "stay home" is not a "privilege".
Personally my husband studied for and landed a job that made it possible for me to stay at home with our children.
Bc of your childhood and current situation you feel it's ok to put down,criticized and be hateful to mothers who stay at home.
You can't control your upbringing and if you have to work as a mother,that is OK.
You are still the best mother to your children right?
Continue that!They will respect how hard you worked for them while loving them at the same time!

Definitely not putting down anyone, unlike the poster I was replying to, who DID put down working mothers.

Being able to afford to have one parent (mom or dad) stay at home in the early years of your child is definitely a privilege.

Again, not all privilege is bad, but you cant judge others harshly for not doing what you do, because they cant afford to.

Im not being hateful towards anyone. Just pointing out that it is not just a question of "wishing really hard" and then magically people can stay at home with the kids! And it is naive to believe so.

If you want to and can afford to stay home with your kids? By all means! Enjoy it!
But th other side is also valid: want to continue working, even though you could maybe afford not to? Carry on and do whats best for you!

user1471481356 · 02/07/2023 03:25

I wouldn’t ever be leaving my child with someone who says they need to cry it out, so you’re definitely not being unreasonable not leaving her with your MIL. My children wernt left with anyone until they were 3+. There was just no need until I went in to labour with my second. Do what feels comfortable for you. Try going for a walk without your daughter while she’s with her dad, then build up to going for coffee etc so she gets more used to it. It would be nice for you to get a break now and then.

PatienceIsAVirtueInMM · 02/07/2023 03:26

I agree 100%.
We are all blessed with children and that is fantastic.

PatienceIsAVirtueInMM · 02/07/2023 03:28

Again, wonderful advice from a mother with experience ♥️

PatienceIsAVirtueInMM · 02/07/2023 03:29

@ASGIRC
Bless your heart.
Take that judgmental/regret/shame elsewhere.

LordSalem · 02/07/2023 03:35

Your baby is only very little still. There's no need for her to be away from you overnight if you don’t want her to be. There are two of you to manage her, and if that's working then don’t struggle fixing what isn’t broken for the sake of someone else wanting to play house with your baby. You will need to actively get to grips with her being away from you as she gets older, but that will also come with time. Don’t feel forced into anything you're not up for, it won't do either of you any good at this point. Speak up or knock invitations politely aside every time.

ASGIRC · 02/07/2023 03:36

PatienceIsAVirtueInMM · 02/07/2023 03:29

@ASGIRC
Bless your heart.
Take that judgmental/regret/shame elsewhere.

What?! I think your reading skills are lacking... You seem to keep misreading things...
I have zero judgment and definitely no regrets or shame. Not sure where you got that from.

LordSalem · 02/07/2023 03:42

@ASGIRC
Shock horror my kid has one parent with one income that I get from being unable to work - due to an issue that came about unexpectedly years after she was born.
Where do you stand on the other responsible parent who can and does work, fucking off and not even paying maintenance?
Aye, we'd all love two parents who actually parent and the dual income. Just doesn't always work out that way eh?

PatienceIsAVirtueInMM · 02/07/2023 03:44

Respect you so much!

ASGIRC · 02/07/2023 03:47

LordSalem · 02/07/2023 03:42

@ASGIRC
Shock horror my kid has one parent with one income that I get from being unable to work - due to an issue that came about unexpectedly years after she was born.
Where do you stand on the other responsible parent who can and does work, fucking off and not even paying maintenance?
Aye, we'd all love two parents who actually parent and the dual income. Just doesn't always work out that way eh?

Im not sure where Ive mentioned that some parents are better than others...

I just said that being able to stay at home is not something everyone can afford.

Did not mention anything about any other situations. Only that it isnt as straight forward as "I wanna be a SAHP, so thats what Ill do". Not everyone can do that. Whether they are single parents, or a couple.

PatienceIsAVirtueInMM · 02/07/2023 03:51

ASGIRC · 02/07/2023 03:36

What?! I think your reading skills are lacking... You seem to keep misreading things...
I have zero judgment and definitely no regrets or shame. Not sure where you got that from.

Show quote history

Actually I am an incredibly educated woman,lol.
But thanks.
Along with my husband(who has supported our family,bc that's his responsibility)that it's my responsibility/job/blessing to raise our incredible kids.

ASGIRC · 02/07/2023 03:54

PatienceIsAVirtueInMM · 02/07/2023 03:51

Actually I am an incredibly educated woman,lol.
But thanks.
Along with my husband(who has supported our family,bc that's his responsibility)that it's my responsibility/job/blessing to raise our incredible kids.

Show quote history

Good for you!! You did what you felt was best. Not sure why you think I think otherwise or am judging you in any way.

PatienceIsAVirtueInMM · 02/07/2023 04:10

Same here♥️

PatienceIsAVirtueInMM · 02/07/2023 04:16

@ASGIRC
I can absolutely be the first to apologize if you weren't judging mom's who choose to stay at home.
Rereading your comments you seem neutral without the harsh judgment and hatefullness.

SouthLondonMum22 · 02/07/2023 04:21

PatienceIsAVirtueInMM · 02/07/2023 04:16

@ASGIRC
I can absolutely be the first to apologize if you weren't judging mom's who choose to stay at home.
Rereading your comments you seem neutral without the harsh judgment and hatefullness.

I don’t think anyone was judging those who stay at home. We were simply responding to someone judging mothers who work.

ASGIRC · 02/07/2023 04:27

PatienceIsAVirtueInMM · 02/07/2023 04:16

@ASGIRC
I can absolutely be the first to apologize if you weren't judging mom's who choose to stay at home.
Rereading your comments you seem neutral without the harsh judgment and hatefullness.

Zero judgement for mothers who stay home.

I was responding to a poster who was judging mothers who work.

Like I have said, not everyone can afford to not work, some might even CHOOSE to work, and all the options are fine! Just do what is best for you or your family.

ASGIRC · 02/07/2023 04:28

SouthLondonMum22 · 02/07/2023 04:21

I don’t think anyone was judging those who stay at home. We were simply responding to someone judging mothers who work.

Show quote history

Exactly this! Not sure how it was all so misinterpreted. But Im glad its been understood now.

PatienceIsAVirtueInMM · 02/07/2023 04:35

Completely appreciate you clarifying,TRULY.
We truly should support other women/moms etc.
We are going through the same exact situations,no matter the ages of our kids.

WaltzingWaters · 02/07/2023 04:44

You don’t have to leave her with MIL overnight, or let her cry it out, or anything you’re not comfortable with.

However your anxieties do seem a bit extreme if you can’t even leave her with her dad for half an hour without a panic attack. I think you should work on this or you may pass your anxieties on to your child.

theres no rush. Leave baby when you’re ready too. But try to work through your anxieties for both your sakes.
My baby is 15 months and up until this past week I didn’t necessarily want time away from him (though have done for work and date nights), but this week he’s suddenly been so whiny, literally the only thing I’ve heard is whining, and suddenly I need a few hours baby-free so off he goes to MIL tomorrow!

PatienceIsAVirtueInMM · 02/07/2023 04:50

ASGIRC · 02/07/2023 04:28

Exactly this! Not sure how it was all so misinterpreted. But Im glad its been understood now.

Show quote history

As mom's we are ALL incredibly blessed.
And I truly appreciate when we all can agree that no matter what path we choose,our sweet kiddos are put first ❤️

WandaWonder · 02/07/2023 04:54

Your child will not be able to be with you 24/7 forever, think how this attachment things will effect them when they are older?

moneymatr · 02/07/2023 05:28

If you don't feel comfortable leaving her that's fine. I would give mil and other family member time with her while you are there. Make a conscious effort to step back and let them enjoy her.

ZekeZeke · 02/07/2023 07:18

Mamabird2022 · 02/07/2023 00:47

@FridaRose in his culture they marry who they have children with. We just haven’t gotten around to getting married yet

You don't work, your partner earns enough money so you can stay home. Super (as did mine)
If the relationship went tits up you would be entitled to fcuk all. If he owns his own home-unless your name is on the mortgage- you are entitled to nothing.
Get married!

Regarding MIL,she sounds batshit, I wouldn't leave my DD with her.

snickersontoast · 02/07/2023 07:22

This is all ok. Your baby is still so little. Do want makes you feel comfortable right now. Consider an hour or so from MIL so you and DH can pop for coffee very close by when you feel ready. Perhaps consider talking to someone about your anxiety and the birth

MsChatterbox · 02/07/2023 07:30

I was exactly the same as you. What I've found with both my children, and what you may find too, is when they're walking and talking I felt more comfortable. I would still get anxiety about it but I was able to distract myself. Now mine are 3 and 5 I am able to leave them at the in laws for half a day without worrying at all. But when they were both babies there was no way I was parting with them for any length of time. Still no overnights for me though. The only time I've been away from my 5 year old overnight is when I was in labour and I'm fine with that!