To not have anyone babysit my daughter?

[Mamabird2022]

Backstory: I was told a few years ago that I probably couldn’t have children as I had severe endometriosis. I was lucky to fall pregnant and now have a 9m old daughter. I had a traumatic birth and my midwife was practically prepping us on the way to theatre that my daughter could have been very sick when she was born. Thankfully she wasn’t but I was diagnosed with PTSD after the birth.
I was at playgroup this week and the other parents were discussing how they look forward to weekends so their parents/parents in law have their children and I was the only one at group who has never had my daughter babysat by anyone. My MIL has offered to have her overnight or to have her for a few hours through the day however I have refused. She said I’m being unreasonable and need to cut ties now otherwise my DD will be attached only to me and I’m going to hinder her having other relationships apart from me and her dad. My DD and MIL have a good relationship however I don’t feel comfortable being away from her for long periods of time. I suffer with anxiety attacks when I’m away from her for longer that half an hour and my DD cries and cries until she sees me again. My MIL said that she should be left to cry it out and she will be fine afterwards and I just need to leave her for the day to stop her being so reliant on me. I actually find this quite distressing to think about. I spoke to my neighbour about this as she had a baby 4 weeks ago and she said that her mother babysits her DS the past two Saturdays so she and her partner could go out for a date and she was shocked that I’ve not left her for the past 9 months.
Am I being unreasonable by not letting my MIL have my daughter?

That's a hell of a drip feed op!

You have PTSD and your baby is 9 months old, give yourself a break! I'm not sure I'd be comfortable leaving my DC with someone who think I should leave them to cry either. My eldest is 6 now and has sen so I've not had many offers of childcare as be is full on. But my DM has recently started having him overnight and he loves it, it certainly hasn't held him back. My youngest spent the first year with me, she's 2 now, incredibly confident and loves nursery. I do agree that you should have therapy for your PTSD though, if you aren't already as it can stay for years otherwise.

I wouldn't leave her with your MIL, it seems like something could happen with her that would make you more anxious.

Intact, don't be in a rush to leave her with anyone else, I think she just happens to be a very attached child which also increases your anxiety.

You've been diagnosed with PTSD, this isn't a simple overnight fix, please ask the doctors to get you support for this in regards to birth and what your goals are going forward with your daughter. My son is about to turn 3 and he has never slept a night away from us but I think he would be absolutely fine to- I'm just not that keen on the people offering! 😆It certainly won't scar him for life, when the time is right it is right

I want to just add that my daughter goes to playgroup with me three times a week so she sees lots of adults and children there. We go to my MIL every week for several hours and my daughter has a good relationship with her however my MIL has bipolar and I’ve seen her screaming at her first GD when she was 6 months old because she had colic and wouldn’t stop crying. She also tells me my daughter is “spoilt” because she cries for me if she can’t see me. My MIL had her for half hour so I could go to the shop and my daughter was screaming when I left which triggered an anxiety attack which is linked to my PTSD. I still went and when I came back my DD was still screaming to the point she was gasping with her cries because she had cried so long and my MIL called her spoilt. My MIL first GD is now 2 and she expects her to just sit quietly on the sofa watching tv and she gets annoyed when GD wants to play. My Mother lives 300 miles away so speaks to my DD on FaceTime every day but my DD has a good relationship with both of them

Well this is quite a different issue to letting anyone else babysit. Your MIL does not sound like a suitable person to leave a baby with overnight. I don’t blame you for not wanting to, especially given your baby is so young and everything you’ve been through.

However, as others have said, it would probably benefit you to work up to leaving her for longer stints. Just probably not with the unhinged and nasty MIL.

I understand completely with your anxiety, but as a mother with nobody to be able to babysit our DC, it's been hard. I would do anything to have a date with my DH again, but we have no options.

Maybe start with a few hours, get your hair or nails done, then a lunch/afternoon tea etc. and build it up.

Eventually your DD will need to go to school and the closer you are, the harder it will be to separate from her. I miss my DCs when they're at school or nursery but they do love it and it is a safety net for them and for me to be independent with a job.

Sending lots of love OP. You've been through a lot and it's going to be a journey but I believe you can get through it. X

Clearly leaving her with MiL, irrespective of your PTSD won't work. Most people wouldn't want their babies left to cry.

But you need to leave her with her dad more and more so she isn't dependant on you. I also thin she may well be picking up on your anxiety

Are you getting any help with it?

Your daughter is 9 months old. She should be with Her mum, at the breast (if breastfeeding) this is what’s natural and normal.
too many have babies these days and dump them various places so they can go out, go to work, carry on like they haven’t got a precious baby to nurture.
I think you should consider having your MIL take her for a few hours to give you a nice break, but there’s no pressure. At least you have your MILs support ready for when you need it.

You do realise that financially many mothers have to work when their babies are 9 months old and can’t keep them “at the breast” 24/7. They’re not being dumped, it’s just an economic fact of modern life. What a ridiculous, sanctimonious post.

Ok just read what you said about your MIL. Perhaps she’s not the best babysitter for your daughter

Don't put your own feelings/menal problems ahead if your DC's needs and best interest.

For your daughter's sake, you should let her get used to being in the care of a familiar trusted adult.
Other wise, she's going to be very distressed if you are separated after an accident/ family crisis.
In time, spending time away from Mum is an essential part of normal social development.

To add, maybe start on neutral ground with a childminder or relative you feel more comfortable with before (if you want to) leaving her with MIL. X

Yes I do realise a lot of single mothers have to work. I chose not to work until mine started school and instead I made huge financial sacrifices so that I could raise my babies myself rather then pay someone else to raise them. I have sympathy for single mothers though and think fathers should be held financially responsible for any babies they produce and any women they impregnate. If my husband expected me to work when our babies were just 9 months I’d divorce him and show him the door

The not leaving the baby with anyone other than her Dad at 9 mths old is absolutely fine if that is what you want to do. Your PTSD and feelings of anxiety are not fine though obviously and in the longer run as your baby gets older you will need to deal with them so that you can appropriately loosen the apron strings when necessary such as when she goes to school, Brownie camp etc. It will be much harder to help her feel confident in those situations if you are feeling anxious yourself. I am a grandmother myself by the way and babysit my grandchildren regularly and I would not leave a baby with your MIL - cry it out indeed!

If your DD is only 9months and you’re not having to go back to work imminently then I really would not worry about it and I would (make sure DH was in my corner) and put my foot down very firmly with your MIL. Not just because what she says is nonsense - the more secure your DDs bond is with you and your H the easier it will be for her to form relationships with others as she grows and the more confident she will be to leave you as time goes on. (Your MIL’s theory is outdated and pushy, much less what you say about her behaviour with other GD).

But also because the boundaries begin HERE! She sounds like a pushy woman who is trying to make something about her which is absolutely not about her, and that is the opposite of support. Phrases like “whenever you’re ready”, “call on me anytime”, “we are here for you” are support. Not a list of things she wants you to do and the damage you’ll inflict by not hearing her ‘wisdom’.

You’ve been through enough for now and having a 9month old is v demanding. Do try and get some support for your PTSD for yourself, so that you can grow into the future and not find yourself (and you DD) held back by residual anxiety. But that can be a longer term goal, and making sure you and your partner and your DD are close and bonded and working together on your collective security is waaaaaay more important than your MIL’s feelings.

You got this!

@Mumtothreegirlies
You seem very judgemental and smug

There is no rush. You do what you feel is best, op. Not what your mil says. Crying it out isn't really a good idea for babies and young children.

Listen to your gut instinct. Follow it.

Your child will grow in confidence and trust because she knows she can rely on you.

It's not forever at all. One day very soon she will be delighted to go and be with trusted adults. Not adults who try and force you into doing something you're not comfortable with.

Take your time.

PS calling a 9month old “spoilt” is revolting and expecting a two year old to effectively be no trouble and have no fun is really mean. I would take zero parenting advice from that lady…

I don’t think there’s any issue if you don’t feel comfortable leaving your daughter with anyone just yet. Do you have a long term plan or want to return to work?
I think issue here is you’re not comfortable with your MIL which is fair enough. But you may want to start working on your anxiety perhaps? I’m probably the opposite of you and was leaving my daughter at gym crèche from 3 months for a couple of hours to have some me time….but at NO point did they suggest to cry it out….any distress and mums were called back.
I think it will be good in the long run for you and your daughter learning it’s ok to be apart for a bit, but also I know lots of mums who have never been apart from their kids so that’s ok too!

Good for you. Not everyone makes that choice. I wouldn’t want to stay at home raising kids, so I have chosen not to do that. However they’re not being “dumped”, so fuck off with your judgment. Live your life and let others live theirs.

And yes the concept of spoilt at 9 months is bullshit, she’s a baby, she can’t do anything without you.
my daughter is currently 20 months old and I’m still at her beck and call but would not consider her spoilt as she has no emotional control or reasoning. If she points at a book and says book, I get her the book….it’s not spoiling her as she has no awareness of entitlement

I think we have to get used to doing things we aren’t comfortable with as parents for the benefit of our children. They can’t spend their lives in 30 minute bursts from us and I personally don’t think that level of co-dependancy should be encouraged as it won’t serve the baby well as she grows.

No, she doesn’t need to stay out overnight if you don’t need her to. However, one day, you may need someone to have her overnight and it would be far less stressful for her if she can go to someone she knows well, in a place she knows well and ideally doesn’t need you there to feel content.

You’re her mum and there’s no one life you for her, but your post doesn’t read as though this is a healthy way to continue long term. I wish you luck finding a balance that will allow your little girl some independence from you - she will need it soon enough.

You enjoy every moment of being a sahm and don't ever feel obligated to justify it to anyone.♥️

I didn’t. I was breastfeeding so wasn’t possible to let anyone babysit overnight / weekend, not sure this is that unusual tbh?

Partner 😫
What if he leaves you?