Page 3 | To not have anyone babysit my daughter?

Mamabird2022 · 2023-07-01T22:02:27+00:00

*Backstory: *I was told a few years ago that I probably couldn’t have children as I had severe endometriosis. I was lucky to fall pregnant and now have a 9m old daughter. I had a traumatic birth and my midwife was practically prepping us on the way to theatre that my daughter could have been very sick when she was born. Thankfully she wasn’t but I was diagnosed with PTSD after the birth. I was at playgroup this week and the other parents were discussing how they look forward to weekends so their parents/parents in law have their children and I was the only one at group who has never had my daughter babysat by anyone. My MIL has offered to have her overnight or to have her for a few hours through the day however I have refused. She said I’m being unreasonable and need to cut ties now otherwise my DD will be attached only to me and I’m going to hinder her having other relationships apart from me and her dad. My DD and MIL have a good relationship however I don’t feel comfortable being away from her for long periods of time. I suffer with anxiety attacks when I’m away from her for longer that half an hour and my DD cries and cries until she sees me again. My MIL said that she should be left to cry it out and she will be fine afterwards and I just need to leave her for the day to stop her being so reliant on me. I actually find this quite distressing to think about. I spoke to my neighbour about this as she had a baby 4 weeks ago and she said that her mother babysits her DS the past two Saturdays so she and her partner could go out for a date and she was shocked that I’ve not left her for the past 9 months. Am I being unreasonable by not letting my MIL have my daughter?

elenacampana · 02/07/2023 00:11

Mumtothreegirlies · 01/07/2023 23:36

Your daughter is 9 months old. She should be with Her mum, at the breast (if breastfeeding) this is what’s natural and normal.
too many have babies these days and dump them various places so they can go out, go to work, carry on like they haven’t got a precious baby to nurture.
I think you should consider having your MIL take her for a few hours to give you a nice break, but there’s no pressure. At least you have your MILs support ready for when you need it.

Ah yes, those selfish naughty mothers with the sky high mortgages/rents going to work rather than sitting home like good little women with the baby at the breast.

Go back to 1900.

UsingChangeofName · 02/07/2023 00:15

It seems like you have 2 extremes, from someone you have heard of having their grandparents take children for overnights or weekends, and you having anxiety attacks if you leave your child for 30mins. There is a MASSIVE in between here.

Putting aside the fact you have put in a huge drip feed about your MiL, she doesn't sound like the right person to maybe look after your dc, and she also needs to be a bit more sensitive to the relationship but you need to seek some help with your anxiety.

There are lots of occasions when it is helpful to be comfortable leaving your child with someone else - most sensible parents build that up a little at a time, so, when they actually need to, it isn't a big traumatic event on top of whatever situation they are dealing with.

SouthLondonMum22 · 02/07/2023 00:20

Mumtothreegirlies · 01/07/2023 23:41

Yes I do realise a lot of single mothers have to work. I chose not to work until mine started school and instead I made huge financial sacrifices so that I could raise my babies myself rather then pay someone else to raise them. I have sympathy for single mothers though and think fathers should be held financially responsible for any babies they produce and any women they impregnate. If my husband expected me to work when our babies were just 9 months I’d divorce him and show him the door

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and I wouldn't have married a man who expected me to stay at home and give up my career.

Crazy how everyone is different.

Working parents also still raise their children.

ColourMeBlue · 02/07/2023 00:25

My fifth child is 4 months old.how many times have I left her with someone?once.and that was when I had to take my son to a&e and I hobbled around due to a emergency c-section that took a while to recover from.i absolutely see no need to leave her with anyone-she either comes places with me or we are in the house together.i don't want or wish to leave her with anyone,nor see the benefits in doing so.i don't feel I need a break,and with online deliveries being so easy,it's not a worry to get baby milk or food shopping in.its not a dig in at all to anyone who has a date night,day of rest or anything else like that-I just choose to have my baby close to me.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 02/07/2023 00:44

Your MiL is wrong, the baby is not spoilt, and will not benefit from being looked after by someone who shouts and ignores kids. She doesnt sound a suitable babysitter.

Your baby is also very young at the moment. Lots of people don't leave their baby at that age - I think I left my daughter for the first time wifh my mum for a few hours maybe around then and I trust my mum implicitly and my daughter always loved her but I could never do longer because I was breastfeeding (and dont live near my mum).

But long term its probably not a good idea for your relationship to never have any time alone (unless you are very strict about spending quality time with phones away, tv off, not doing jobs etc at home) and it's clearly not a good thing for you and it wont be good for the baby if you have an anxiety attack whenever you leave her. For your own sanity at some point you should start to do things for you again. So you need to work out how to achieve this and getting help for your PTSD and anxiety might be a first step. Dont feel pressurised to leaving your baby with your MiL though, most people would be anxious leaving their baby with someone who said they were spoilt and need to learn to get over it by prolonged crying!

Original poster

Mamabird2022 · 02/07/2023 00:47

@FridaRose in his culture they marry who they have children with. We just haven’t gotten around to getting married yet

OP posts:

Brightbear · 02/07/2023 00:59

Mumtothreegirlies · 01/07/2023 23:36

Your daughter is 9 months old. She should be with Her mum, at the breast (if breastfeeding) this is what’s natural and normal.
too many have babies these days and dump them various places so they can go out, go to work, carry on like they haven’t got a precious baby to nurture.
I think you should consider having your MIL take her for a few hours to give you a nice break, but there’s no pressure. At least you have your MILs support ready for when you need it.

Biggest drip feed ever! Have you read the OPs posts? MIL screams at colicky baby? One one have your sanctimonious “baby’s should be at the breast” mothers shouldn’t work, the next you’re advocation for a small baby to be left with someone who s teams at colicky babies, says nine months old are spoilt. I wouldn’t leave a hold fush with the MIL.

OP, you are sounding very over anxious, you need to address this, it will pass on to your DD.

Brightbear · 02/07/2023 01:00

Mamabird2022 · 02/07/2023 00:47

@FridaRose in his culture they marry who they have children with. We just haven’t gotten around to getting married yet

Why not? It’s very important!

Brightbear · 02/07/2023 01:03

Mumtothreegirlies · 01/07/2023 23:41

Yes I do realise a lot of single mothers have to work. I chose not to work until mine started school and instead I made huge financial sacrifices so that I could raise my babies myself rather then pay someone else to raise them. I have sympathy for single mothers though and think fathers should be held financially responsible for any babies they produce and any women they impregnate. If my husband expected me to work when our babies were just 9 months I’d divorce him and show him the door

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Yet you’d leave your child with a MILs like OP and you think that’s a good thing….

Brightbear · 02/07/2023 01:07

SouthLondonMum22 · 02/07/2023 00:20

and I wouldn't have married a man who expected me to stay at home and give up my career.

Crazy how everyone is different.

Working parents also still raise their children.

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This poster on another thread describes herself as a shell of a person, because her DH done nothing to help with their children. Not sure why she’s now bugging him up! He clearly saw her being at home as being his slave and opted out of parenting

I think @Mumtothreegirlies is trying to kid herself that she choose to stay at home etc, when actually it was dictated to her.

Mooshamoo · 02/07/2023 01:24

Mothers are way too clingy of their kids. They want the child to only be with the mother, when that is not beneficial for the child.

Your mil is the child's granny, and children benefit from being round their grandparents.

My mother was like you. She used to barely let me see my granny, (mums mil), and I used to cry because I missed my gran so much. I really wanted to see my gran, but my mum wouldn't let me see her often

Let your child see her gran

Imperialleathers · 02/07/2023 01:40

I have two children and I can get where you are coming from. I don’t think my first child stayed away from me until they was about 2ish. I was very overprotective and very attached to my child, in a good and bad way. We had and still have an amazing bond but I could be very overbearing and tried to control everything even when they wasn’t with me.

With my second, sooo different. I imagined I would be the same but I wasn’t. My second child was staying with their grandmother, my MIL from about 3 months (overnight). I will say it made me a better parent being able to have the break but I also wasn’t forced into it. I needed the break and MIL was happy to do it. I have the same bond with both children.

At the end of the day, you are the baby’s mother and you call the shots while they are still so young like that but I would address the anxiety attacks being away from your child. That can’t be good for either of you. It’s normal for your baby to be attached 10000%. The anxiety attacks sound like they could have come from the trauma of the pregnancy and the birth. Address it. But no YANBU overall. Don’t let anyone force you into it, take it at you and your baby’s pace.

Saoirse82 · 02/07/2023 01:46

Mumtothreegirlies · 01/07/2023 23:36

Your daughter is 9 months old. She should be with Her mum, at the breast (if breastfeeding) this is what’s natural and normal.
too many have babies these days and dump them various places so they can go out, go to work, carry on like they haven’t got a precious baby to nurture.
I think you should consider having your MIL take her for a few hours to give you a nice break, but there’s no pressure. At least you have your MILs support ready for when you need it.

Plenty of women want to work, not be financially dependent on someone else! Others have to work.
You sound like a 1950s housewife with that nonsense!

PatienceIsAVirtueInMM · 02/07/2023 02:01

Saoirse82 · 02/07/2023 01:46

Plenty of women want to work, not be financially dependent on someone else! Others have to work.
You sound like a 1950s housewife with that nonsense!

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@Saoirse82 Stop judging other women for choosing to be home with their own children. We are proud to be sahm's just like you are proud of your career.
We all have freedom of choice and that is ok.I don't judge working mothers. We all do it differently.

SpidersAreShitheads · 02/07/2023 02:02

Your baby is still very young - there's plenty of time for her to foster independence. It's not unusual for them to be clingy at that age, lots of babies go through that stage.

I think you do need to be careful that you're not passing your anxieties onto your DD though - it's something to be conscious of. I have birth prematurely to twins and my babies were very poorly for a while, and I struggled in the same way as you.

You (and DH) are the parents. You decide who you trust with childcare. If you don't feel comfortable leaving them alone with MIL, then don't. There are plenty of grandchildren who have great relationships with their grandparents just by seeing them with their family. As long as you're not depriving them of developing a relationship, don't worry. You don't HAVE to leave your baby - as PP have said, many babies would still be breastfeeding at this point anyway.

Just keep it in mind that you can't hold her close forever. She will need to grow her own wings and when she starts school she'll be going on trips, and playdates etc. So you'll need to have some strategies in place to tackle your anxiety because it's not fair on your DD if you project onto her. But all of this is very far in the future - for now, just enjoy spending time with your DD, get some help for your anxiety, and don't worry about what you "should" be doing. Life doesn't have a rulebook.

SpidersAreShitheads · 02/07/2023 02:03

*gave birth

Brightbear · 02/07/2023 02:06

PatienceIsAVirtueInMM · 02/07/2023 02:01

@Saoirse82 Stop judging other women for choosing to be home with their own children. We are proud to be sahm's just like you are proud of your career.
We all have freedom of choice and that is ok.I don't judge working mothers. We all do it differently.

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@Mumtothreegirlies was totally judging working mothers, her follow up post even more so!

Not sure why she felt the need to be so judgmental, so maybe ask her why?

PatienceIsAVirtueInMM · 02/07/2023 02:24

@Mumtothreegirlies
Isn't it just sad?
Not once in my 23 years as a sahm has anyone said an unkind word about it,until MN.My children are old enough to realize and appreciate my being home with them.
I have 3 sisters-in-law who are working mothers.I never once considered judging them.
As for the judgemental ones on here...
I honestly don't care one bit what they think.

PatienceIsAVirtueInMM · 02/07/2023 02:28

Brightbear · 02/07/2023 02:06

@Mumtothreegirlies was totally judging working mothers, her follow up post even more so!

Not sure why she felt the need to be so judgmental, so maybe ask her why?

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Woah,just realized I misread that!

I can only speak for myself.

Her opinion is hers so it's not my responsibility to ask her.

ASGIRC · 02/07/2023 02:43

Mumtothreegirlies · 01/07/2023 23:41

Yes I do realise a lot of single mothers have to work. I chose not to work until mine started school and instead I made huge financial sacrifices so that I could raise my babies myself rather then pay someone else to raise them. I have sympathy for single mothers though and think fathers should be held financially responsible for any babies they produce and any women they impregnate. If my husband expected me to work when our babies were just 9 months I’d divorce him and show him the door

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A lot of families NEED the two incomes. Its not about making sacrifices... If both of you dont work, you have no food or house, because one income isnt enough for the family to survive.

Its very easy to speak from the height of your privilege. And make no mistake, it is a privilege.
My parents could NEVER, in a million years, afford to not both work.

Wrongsideofpennines · 02/07/2023 02:43

What's the obsession with leaving your children with other people overnight?! There was no way I would have left my child overnight with anyone at 9 months. I wouldn't have even wanted to leave them with my husband, never mind someone who wasn't in the routine of night waking and safe sleep knowledge. We were still breastfeeding anyway so there would have been no point. Now they're 2.5 we still haven't left them overnight other than when I gave birth to their sibling and I put them down in their own bed and a friend stayed in the spare room.

I didn't stay overnight with grandparents I was about 4 or 5, and then it was always with a sibling. I happily went on Brownie pack holiday alone aged 7 and have never been homesick so it hasn't done me any harm.

You're teaching her you are a stable and safe environment and you will be there to meet her needs, that in turn will give her greater independence as she grows.
Having said that, if the thought of just leaving her with dad for 30 minutes sets off a panic attack then it might be worth seeking some support for your anxiety.

ImustLearn2Cook · 02/07/2023 02:45

@Mamabird2022 I wouldn’t want to leave my baby with a relative who screamed at a 6 month old baby either.

I don’t think yabu with not wanting to leave your baby with your mil overnight.

I didn’t leave my baby overnight at that age. I was just happy to go with the flow and wait till dd was ready for being away from me for that length of time. That was what was right for us and I really didn’t care if anyone else did it my way or differently from me.

What’s right for one family or what works for them might not be what’s right for your family. That’s ok. Try not to compare yourself to others.

There is nothing wrong with following your own instincts.

As for your anxiety I do think you need to address that and learn some strategies in how to manage your anxiety.

However, you do not need to give in to pressure to do anything that you do not feel comfortable with. That will not help your anxiety.

PatienceIsAVirtueInMM · 02/07/2023 02:48

ImustLearn2Cook · 02/07/2023 02:45

@Mamabird2022 I wouldn’t want to leave my baby with a relative who screamed at a 6 month old baby either.

I don’t think yabu with not wanting to leave your baby with your mil overnight.

I didn’t leave my baby overnight at that age. I was just happy to go with the flow and wait till dd was ready for being away from me for that length of time. That was what was right for us and I really didn’t care if anyone else did it my way or differently from me.

What’s right for one family or what works for them might not be what’s right for your family. That’s ok. Try not to compare yourself to others.

There is nothing wrong with following your own instincts.

As for your anxiety I do think you need to address that and learn some strategies in how to manage your anxiety.

However, you do not need to give in to pressure to do anything that you do not feel comfortable with. That will not help your anxiety.

Fantastic words of encouragement and wisdom.♥️

SouthLondonMum22 · 02/07/2023 02:59

PatienceIsAVirtueInMM · 02/07/2023 02:28

Woah,just realized I misread that!

I can only speak for myself.

Her opinion is hers so it's not my responsibility to ask her.

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It isn't your responsibility to defend her either but you did.

Conveniently ignoring the fact that the comment you replied to was simply someone responding to her judgmental comments.

PatienceIsAVirtueInMM · 02/07/2023 03:03

@ASGIRC
All of our personal/parental/financial lives are different.
Because some are able to "stay home" is not a "privilege".
Personally my husband studied for and landed a job that made it possible for me to stay at home with our children.
Bc of your childhood and current situation you feel it's ok to put down,criticized and be hateful to mothers who stay at home.
You can't control your upbringing and if you have to work as a mother,that is OK.
You are still the best mother to your children right?
Continue that!They will respect how hard you worked for them while loving them at the same time!