To not have anyone babysit my daughter?

[Mamabird2022]

Backstory: I was told a few years ago that I probably couldn’t have children as I had severe endometriosis. I was lucky to fall pregnant and now have a 9m old daughter. I had a traumatic birth and my midwife was practically prepping us on the way to theatre that my daughter could have been very sick when she was born. Thankfully she wasn’t but I was diagnosed with PTSD after the birth.
I was at playgroup this week and the other parents were discussing how they look forward to weekends so their parents/parents in law have their children and I was the only one at group who has never had my daughter babysat by anyone. My MIL has offered to have her overnight or to have her for a few hours through the day however I have refused. She said I’m being unreasonable and need to cut ties now otherwise my DD will be attached only to me and I’m going to hinder her having other relationships apart from me and her dad. My DD and MIL have a good relationship however I don’t feel comfortable being away from her for long periods of time. I suffer with anxiety attacks when I’m away from her for longer that half an hour and my DD cries and cries until she sees me again. My MIL said that she should be left to cry it out and she will be fine afterwards and I just need to leave her for the day to stop her being so reliant on me. I actually find this quite distressing to think about. I spoke to my neighbour about this as she had a baby 4 weeks ago and she said that her mother babysits her DS the past two Saturdays so she and her partner could go out for a date and she was shocked that I’ve not left her for the past 9 months.
Am I being unreasonable by not letting my MIL have my daughter?

Yes I do realise a lot of single mothers have to work. I chose not to work until mine started school and instead I made huge financial sacrifices so that I could raise my babies myself rather then pay someone else to raise them. I have sympathy for single mothers though and think fathers should be held financially responsible for any babies they produce and any women they impregnate. If my husband expected me to work when our babies were just 9 months I’d divorce him and show him the door

Parents who use childcare are still raising their children 🙄

Do the MIL and DP try to comfort her or do they think she just needs to stop crying and ignore her a bit? If I was left with a crying baby or toddler I’d be cuddling them, walking round with them and trying to distract them as much as possible - I’d be trying anything and everything to comfort them. Do DP and his family do this? Or just leave her in her pram / on the floor crying for mummy?

I wasn't comfortable leaving DS with anyone until he was 18 months, but he spent lots of time with various friends and relatives.

Rather than making him clingy he couldn't wait to see the back of me when we were ready to spend time apart. We never had a difficult nursery or school drop off.

Go at the speed you and your baby are comfortable with.

Perfect post

Agree with some posters above. Your daughter is a person in her own right and deserves to build close relationships with her relatives unless there are legitimate concerns about risk. The MIL is her grandmother; that's part of her heritage she may well be glad that she got to know, before MIL is no longer around.

You mentioned that nobody else is able to look after your daughter. That's not true. The vast majority of people on Earth could ensure your daughter was safe, warm and well fed. Could they do that with the bond and intuition of you as her mother? Could they do everything for her just the way she likes it? Of course not. But over time they would work out their own little routines that your daughter will enjoy, and that relationship would not take away from your bond.

I agree. It isn’t healthy at all.

Yanbu to feel what you're feeling especially given the circumstances around her birth, but presumably at some point you're going to return to work and dd to childcare of some description so I would be thinking you need to find a way to gently build it up for you both. I was very anxious about leaving ds. I just didn't want to and I didn't trust anyone to look after him as well as I could. I started with in laws taking him for a 30-60min walk in the pram and then built up to my folks taking him with them for lunch at a local cafe and then my parents kept him for 2 hrs while me and dh went for dinner. It all went fine, ds had a good time, they all looked happy on return and it made me feel better about leaving him. But he's 7 months now and that's only just starting. You don't need to go straight into a day away. Try an hour here and there and build it up.

@TheCatterall my MIL just let her cry. My partner does try but he just gives in too quickly and brings her to me to settle.

@PetitPorpoise family wise there is only my MIL to watch her as SIL works full time and my DP has her on his days off. As I’ve said above she does see her MIL every week however that’s only because I make the effort. My MIL has only come to see us at my house once and that was because she was shopping in the town centre that I live nearby. She’s never actively went out of her way to come and see us. She drives and I do not and it takes me 45 minutes each way on public transport where she could drive across the country road from her house to mine and would take 15 minutes max. The rest of my DP family don’t bother with my DD and my family all live over 300 miles away. I have tried trusting my MIL but it seems to be when I trust her to watch DD she always does something that makes me not trust her to look after my DD. For example my MIL left my DD crying for half hour when I went to the shop and told me she was spoilt when I came back. She has also given my daughter tea when I explicitly told her not too. My DP didn’t give DD a proper breakfast but instead gave her some water and a little yogurt and said she was crying cause she was tired when in fact it was because she was hungry. It just seems to be that they get the basic things wrong

Then your DP needs to learn..... and he can only do that if he had the chance to look after her alone regularly.
You also need to accept that he might do things differently to you.

I was the same, bad birth also. But I had my first night away in neonatal, she was being tube fed and I was a mess so the nurses babysat and told me to have an evening to rest.

Not going to lie, it was awful, the whole night I was sobbing, missing her and panicking. All sorts of thoughts were going through my head. When we all got home, even being in a separate room with her daddy keeping an eye sent me into a mess 😬

So I built it up, first I had family over and people holding her whilst I was present, then me napping while my mum entertained her in a different room. Then my mum taking her out for an hour. Now they take her out for half a day. In end of July is her first sleepover with her nana.

Do you think you could do this? Slowly build it up? So you can adjust and develop trust?

Sorry just read your updates.. if you do need to build confidence or go out. (When you are ready) I'd prefer a babysitter who I can trust and has lots of good reviews and well thought of by other parents rather than your MIL...

@Mamabird2022 I personally would cut the MIL visits down by half or less. You make half the effort. She has to make the effort as well. If she doesn’t want to make the effort then I’d just visit once a month.

Does your DP not drive either?

frankly I’m wondering why you stay with him - he’s not interested in putting any work in. You face a lifetime of this! I’d rather be single and happy with my daughter than have a lifetime of DPs ineptness and a constant battle of wills with MIL.

can I ask if you or they have cultural habits that drive some of this behaviour and expectations?

This OP is dealing with enough she seems to be struggling immensely with adapting to motherhood. Why would you add to the distress she experiences around care for her baby by casting aspersions onto her relationship? You aren’t in this woman’s house, you have no idea how her partner feels about everything or what his side of the story would be.

It’s an internet forum based on people’s opinions.

OP has dripfed more details about the dynamics and issues with MIL and also stated that DO doesn’t really make an effort with DD before handing her back to OP. He doesn’t seem prevalent or present in getting DD to MIL, standing up for OP with MIL, supporting OP in managing the dynamics etc. he’s mentioned surprisedly little. I think if more was said about him we’d soon see they are possibly only together as OP got pregnant. Not the healthiest situation as we see time and time again on MN.

if he is an absolute star and supported her etc wouldn’t he be running between MIL and advocating for a better relationship rather than leaving OP to it all.

as is often said on MN - I don’t think it’s a sole MIL issue. I think it’s a DP issue and MIL is a by product of him.

No op. Your Mil is being unreasonable.

In what world is a 9 month old being too dependable on mum for crying out loud.

Tell her to back off and when you want her advise you will ask for it but you are all very happy thank you.

Youre right, it’s a forum where people can say what they fancy and I fancied telling you that I think you’re adding to someone else’s distress. You do not know these people and you certainly don’t know enough to draw up accurate conclusions and then start recommending that the OP would be better off without the only person she’s currently able to leave her child with.

You get a very one sided, limited overview of a situation on MN. We just don’t know enough to cast judgment on someone who may also be finding this one whole thing very difficult too. I’ve known dads who can’t get near their own babies most of the time because the mums are too anxious to allow it. The dads aren’t happy either and end up feeling like they don’t know their children or how best to care for them.

To boot yours sounds like a pain in the backside know it all.

I agree it's your baby, your rules but don't make a rod for your own back

This! On another thread a mum is bemoaning that she had to come home early from a party because the two children won’t settle with dad 🤷‍♀️.

@GCSister I have stated above that my DP, her dad has had her since she was born. It’s not the case of I haven’t allowed him to do anything because I have and her after 9 months he still won’t settle her to bed and when she cries in his care he comes and finds me to settle her. Even when I go out he calls me because the baby is crying and can’t settle her. @TheCatterall My DP doesn’t drive as he has eyesight problems. He is a traveller so it’s pretty standard that their woman stay home and his mother has also raised him like this. He wants DD to spend more time with his mother while we go out on dates however he understands my concerns as he has openly said himself that when he was a child his mother regularly crossed the line from discipline to abuse. He just wants to wait until I’m ready but doesn’t get involved in the discussion of his mother wanting the baby as he says it’s my decision and doesn’t say anything further

In your previous post you said she’s fine with her DF? Honestly, the story changes so much, it’s hard to follow.

I had no trauma with birth or anything and my kids were about 5 before they were left with anyone overnight.

YANBU.

I have stated above that my DP, her dad has had her since she was born. It’s not the case of I haven’t allowed him to do anything because I have and her after 9 months he still won’t settle her to bed and when she cries in his care he comes and finds me to settle her. Even when I go out he calls me because the baby is crying and can’t settle her.
And what do you do? Go home and take over?

Or do you let him figure it out by himself? If my DH had ever phoned me because he couldn't settle DS I'd have just told him to deal with it and stop being so pathetic.