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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have anyone babysit my daughter?

174 replies

Mamabird2022 · 01/07/2023 23:02

Backstory: I was told a few years ago that I probably couldn’t have children as I had severe endometriosis. I was lucky to fall pregnant and now have a 9m old daughter. I had a traumatic birth and my midwife was practically prepping us on the way to theatre that my daughter could have been very sick when she was born. Thankfully she wasn’t but I was diagnosed with PTSD after the birth.
I was at playgroup this week and the other parents were discussing how they look forward to weekends so their parents/parents in law have their children and I was the only one at group who has never had my daughter babysat by anyone. My MIL has offered to have her overnight or to have her for a few hours through the day however I have refused. She said I’m being unreasonable and need to cut ties now otherwise my DD will be attached only to me and I’m going to hinder her having other relationships apart from me and her dad. My DD and MIL have a good relationship however I don’t feel comfortable being away from her for long periods of time. I suffer with anxiety attacks when I’m away from her for longer that half an hour and my DD cries and cries until she sees me again. My MIL said that she should be left to cry it out and she will be fine afterwards and I just need to leave her for the day to stop her being so reliant on me. I actually find this quite distressing to think about. I spoke to my neighbour about this as she had a baby 4 weeks ago and she said that her mother babysits her DS the past two Saturdays so she and her partner could go out for a date and she was shocked that I’ve not left her for the past 9 months.
Am I being unreasonable by not letting my MIL have my daughter?

OP posts:
ChimChimeny · 02/07/2023 07:30

UsingChangeofName · 02/07/2023 00:15

It seems like you have 2 extremes, from someone you have heard of having their grandparents take children for overnights or weekends, and you having anxiety attacks if you leave your child for 30mins. There is a MASSIVE in between here.

Putting aside the fact you have put in a huge drip feed about your MiL, she doesn't sound like the right person to maybe look after your dc, and she also needs to be a bit more sensitive to the relationship but you need to seek some help with your anxiety.

There are lots of occasions when it is helpful to be comfortable leaving your child with someone else - most sensible parents build that up a little at a time, so, when they actually need to, it isn't a big traumatic event on top of whatever situation they are dealing with.

This is very sensible. I don't know of anyone who was leaving their 4 week old with family but by 9 months I felt ready to leave DD with my in-laws to go out for lunch with DH.
you definitely shouldn't be leaving her with your MIL but what about a paid babysitter?

MsChatterbox · 02/07/2023 07:32

Just read the update about MIL, I wouldn't be leaving my child with her.

AuntieJune · 02/07/2023 07:48

Mil is not a suitable babysitter. Someone else will be!

The way you're behaving communicates to your baby that it's only safe if you're there the whole time and you being there the whole time is a reasonable expectation for her to have.

At this age, many babies have separation anxiety and might cry if their mother is out of sight/away for a bit - with a sensitive and caring approach you can get them used to this and understanding that you going out of the room or house for a bit doesn't mean you're gone forever and they're still safe and can trust other people.

I don't think it matters hugely at 9mo, but as time goes into toddlerhood on you don't want your child to think other people = not safe as that's an unpleasant anxiety to have and won't help her learn and develop confidence.

I know a child who has been raised this way and he's (now 6) still upset when his mum is out of the way, only she can get him from school, she has to sleep in the same room as him etc. It's suffocating and not good for anyone's mental health.

Starting school or nursery when you've only ever been at home with mum can also be much harder.

Your baby is still small but I'd ask to get help with this and see if you can slowly become comfortable with someone else caring for her in small chunks.

OrangesAndLemming · 02/07/2023 08:01

Overnights aren’t necessary at that age at all - I’ve got no Intention of doing overnights. BUT I’ve recently started leaving my 6mo dd with her dad more to do stuff. I tried mil watching her for an hour when she was 3 months and it was a disaster for both of them! I’m sure we will try again fairly soon but honestly if it’s distressing for you and distressing for baby it’s not worth leaving her for SO long. You need to both build up to it. If nothing else so that you know there is someone else she is comfortable with if you must leave her at some point. I don’t often voluntarily leave my dd but I want to know that in an emergency she will be okay and not distressed.

OrangesAndLemming · 02/07/2023 08:02

Just seen update about mil. Don’t leave your child with her. Other safe family members or trusted friends though would be okay to build up (start with literally 15-20 mins at a time and work your way up).

Curseofthenation · 02/07/2023 08:04

I didn't have PTSD or any anxiety disorder but I still didn't leave my DS with anyone for more than half an hour (and even then, it was only twice). I did go to my in laws once a week and work upstairs on a project for a few hours at a time while my in laws watched my DS. That was at around 9 months. Could you try to work up to something like this?

My DH and I didn't leave DS until he was around 17 months. Some people might think that odd, but I didn't want to leave him and I followed my gut. I think it's what most of us do. You shouldn't feel bullied into making choices you don't want.

My DS has no attachment issues at 2.5. In fact, he's always been a very happy, social boy.

Peony654 · 02/07/2023 08:05

You don’t need to leave her but personally I’d be getting some support for your anxiety so it doesn’t affect DD. And I’d be trying to very gradual have short periods away just so she can get used to it slowly (obviously not straight to overnight). You don’t mention how DD is when alone with her dad? Assume that is fine

MrsMorrisey · 02/07/2023 08:07

You're not ready yet. That's okay.
You'll know when the time is right x

SnackSizeRaisin · 02/07/2023 08:10

tennissquare · 01/07/2023 23:15

But @Mamabird2022 , how about if your or you dh are in hospital or at an appt and need to be there together, your dd needs to be ok with someone else. Plus one day she is going to go to nursery / pre school, the sooner she gets use to being with other people the better, it's in her best interest to do this even if for 1 or 2 hours a week to start.

The baby is only 9 months and OP is a sahm. There won't be any need for nursery for a while, presumably. Preschool doesn't start until 2 - there's no point getting a 9 month old ready for preschool!
Unless there's an actual known reason that OP and her husband both need to be away at the same time, it's unlikely to happen in the next 6 months. No point preparing tiny babies for hypothetical situations that are years away.

It's not in a baby's interests to be away from parents anyway. In 6 months or a year it will be different. Chances are OP 's anxiety will naturally wane as the baby gets older and more independent. Mil sounds v pushy wanting sleepovers at 9 months.

Dressydress · 02/07/2023 08:10

Yanbu. I have 4 kids. They have never stayed away over night to anywhere as we don't have any family who can do this. My eldest stayed away for 3 nights on a school trip last year and he was absolutely fine.

It's a nice thing to have if you are able and if you want to but keeping them home is not going to traumatise them.

Dressydress · 02/07/2023 08:11

He was 10 BTW.

RedRobyn2021 · 02/07/2023 08:15

I suffer with anxiety myself, particularly about leaving my daughter who is now 2 (28 months). But my mum worked with us so that my DD was very happy being with her without me from around 13 months. I NEVER let her cry and my mum was very very supportive.

My DD really loves her "nanny" and they are close, it actually lovely and a huge relief when I need to go to an appointment or if me and her dad go for a day date (although we have only done this 4 times). It's good to know she has a good attachment to my mum as well.

I think if you were able to build trust with your MIL and you could get to the same place we are it would not be a bad thing. Saying that, it can wait. She's only little.

maidmarianne · 02/07/2023 08:18

9 months is the worst age to start anyway because it's peak separation anxiety time for babies.
I do think that it's worth you trying to get therapy for your anxiety. But that's for you, for your own sake, not so you can leave your baby with your mil or anyone else right now.
Your baby will become more comfortable with being left with others in their own time, just naturally with age. You don't need to try and break her attachment with you to achieve that. People who say 'babies have to learn to be with other people" are just showing that that don't understand very much about child development.
Saying your child will need to go to school so therefore needs to learn now is one of the maddest bits of nonsense that so many people come out with. Your baby is 9months old, she needs what babies need, which is ideally to be with you. When she's 4, she'll be different, just because she's a lot older and more able to cope

RedRobyn2021 · 02/07/2023 08:19

Mamabird2022 · 01/07/2023 23:11

@MNTourist my partner has her so I can do whatever I need to do but apart from that no one else has had her

Yes my DD was never left with anyone else until she was 13 months (except her dad) and even now at 2 she hasn't been left with anyone but her grandmother and her dad.

I remember leaving her for 15 minutes with my mum to go for a covid jab when she was around 10 months and I was so anxious.

I honestly look back and I feel so sad for myself because I was riddled with anxiety, it's definitely eased now. But my mum was so kind to me when I was acting pretty crazy tbh.

maidmarianne · 02/07/2023 08:24

A therapist once told me that it's the toddlers who seem fearless when in new situations and with new people that you need to worry about. The ones who are acting 'shy' or 'clingy' are the ones showing healthy attachment and normal development.

MooMa83 · 02/07/2023 08:29

I've not left my 9 month old with anyone except her Dad, and even then not overnight. How you describe your MIL...no way I would leave my baby overnight with her! Your baby crying when you're not there sounds like classic separation anxiety typical for this age. Essentially your not harming your baby or making her clingy by not leaving her. However you would benefit from treatment for your ptsd...your gp or hv can advise.

ssd · 02/07/2023 08:32

Your MIL has too much to say

Hibiscrubbed · 02/07/2023 08:34

Mumtothreegirlies · 01/07/2023 23:36

Your daughter is 9 months old. She should be with Her mum, at the breast (if breastfeeding) this is what’s natural and normal.
too many have babies these days and dump them various places so they can go out, go to work, carry on like they haven’t got a precious baby to nurture.
I think you should consider having your MIL take her for a few hours to give you a nice break, but there’s no pressure. At least you have your MILs support ready for when you need it.

Well, you’d hate me. I went back to my beloved job at four months postpartum and they went to a nanny. We have a great and very close attachment and they’re an independent little soul.

Daisydu · 02/07/2023 08:37

I don’t think it’s healthy. What if you’re ever too poorly to look after her? You have to work? You have an appointment? You have another child and have to stay in hospital.. so many things. Lots of parents don’t leave thier kids overnight for a long long time.. years. But to simply not let anyone look after them at 9 months is a bit much in my opinion. Let mil have her for a couple hours.. build it up to a full day.. I think that would be best for you both.

FairAcre · 02/07/2023 08:39

CrazyArmadilloLady · 01/07/2023 23:19

She’s only 9 months old! And you’ve been through a lot.

She will have to get used to being left eventually - whether that’s some sort of day care / Kindy, or ultimately, school.

But at 9 months old, I wouldn’t even be worrying about it just yet.

Totally agree with this. Do what suits you and when you are ready. Don’t let anyone pressure you.

Hibiscrubbed · 02/07/2023 08:43

ASGIRC · 02/07/2023 04:28

Exactly this! Not sure how it was all so misinterpreted. But Im glad its been understood now.

Show quote history

Quite. That poster’s trite tripe was painful to sift through 😂

maidmarianne · 02/07/2023 08:45

Daisydu · 02/07/2023 08:37

I don’t think it’s healthy. What if you’re ever too poorly to look after her? You have to work? You have an appointment? You have another child and have to stay in hospital.. so many things. Lots of parents don’t leave thier kids overnight for a long long time.. years. But to simply not let anyone look after them at 9 months is a bit much in my opinion. Let mil have her for a couple hours.. build it up to a full day.. I think that would be best for you both.

If something terrible happens and she needs to be looked after by someone else, then she can deal with that then. Why upset a child just for a hypothetical situation that may never arise. I never understand this type of reasoning.
Also, her mil sounds like the absolute worst person to leave a baby with!
If you want to leave your baby with someone who will leave them to cry and shout at them for behaving like a baby, then that's your prerogative I suppose, but most people wouldn't be too keen.

fudgepie12 · 02/07/2023 08:52

You have choices to make here, about the kind of parent you want to be, there is no perfect way of doing it but I will say this; you don't have to be attached at the hip all the time to prove your love, letting a child build relations with other family members and some independence from you is healthy, being a parent doesn't have to mean sacrificing yourself. You can love and nurture children with supportive family members. She is still young, so it's ok if you're not relay yet, but it sounds like you've got some unresolved trauma you should work on before letting that dictate how you parent in the long term, for both of your sakes.

NotAMug · 02/07/2023 08:56

I think you are BU about some stuff but I don't think you ABU about your MIL. She doesn't sound like someone I would want to leave my DCs with.

That said its obviously it's not normal to feel so anxious when having to leave your a 9 mo, 2 week old maybe but even so it would be more mild concern about whether they are ok TBH. Its not fair on your baby if you never leave her and project so much anxiety onto her about it all. She needs to feel comfortable being left and like with everything else DCs need to build up to things slowly. You never know when in an emergency you'll have to leave her.

NotAMug · 02/07/2023 08:56

fudgepie12 · 02/07/2023 08:52

You have choices to make here, about the kind of parent you want to be, there is no perfect way of doing it but I will say this; you don't have to be attached at the hip all the time to prove your love, letting a child build relations with other family members and some independence from you is healthy, being a parent doesn't have to mean sacrificing yourself. You can love and nurture children with supportive family members. She is still young, so it's ok if you're not relay yet, but it sounds like you've got some unresolved trauma you should work on before letting that dictate how you parent in the long term, for both of your sakes.

Totally agree. This is worded brilliantly!