Not to send my children to private school even though I can afford it

[AdamRyan]

I believe in comprehensive education and think children should all be educated together, to improve social mobility and prevent a "brain drain" where less privileged children go to some schools, and more privileged go to others.
Am I in the minority and being naive?

YANBU - comprehensive schools are the way to go
YABU - I'd send my children private if I could

Sounds like you’re after some sort of round of applause or social justice award for refusing to send your children private.

it’s a personal decision and literally nobody else cares.

Gules, apart from all the people that post on threads like this every few weeks

It very much depends on the child. My kids are at one of the very best state schools in Scotland apparently. From what I can see it is a ‘good’ school purely due having to have wealthy, middle class educated and engaged parents to live in the catchment. The parents can step up to the ‘higher chemistry’ curriculum when the kids haven’t learnt much due to the constant staff changes / substitute non SME teachers, constant violent and disruption. The poor teachers have been given totally ineffective tools to deal with violence / disorder.

My oldest child has just finished and off to uni with all As but that’s mainly down to her teaching herself the curriculum using textbooks and YouTube. Their sibling has been in private school since late primary as they just couldn’t cope with the constant violence. It’s a totally different world. We can be entirely hands-off. No more desperately reading the syllabus and trying to understand it so I can teach it to them. Kids that kick off are kicked out. There’s a waiting list of those wanting to get in so it’s very easily done by the school. And no substitute or paired teachers. Just a calm educational environment. It just makes me cross that we have to pay for our child to be educated in a safe and peaceful environment. The state ought to provide this.

Of course you aren't unreasonable, if you are happy with the quality of the state schools available to you and they can meet your children's needs and ensure they thrive and meet their potential.

Just don't count yourself as superior to those who make a different choice due to the bits after the "if" above not being true for them.

If you want them to have a private school education but want them to mix with state school kids, then you have two options...

1. send them to state school then just use the money you've saved on school fees and get them private tutors and a load of extracurricular activities like elocution lessons, Latin, violin, horse riding, fencing and polo to top them up to appropriate levels of posh

Or

2. Pay for them to go to private school then sign them up to the local scout group or football club so they get to mingle with Joe Public.

I don't think I'm superior! I just don't think everyone who can afford it would choose private school. Actually really don't judge people for doing whatever they think is best for their family.

We can’t afford private but we sent our kids to the closest primary because I think it’s really important people go to their nearest school. It was in special measures at the time. We could have got them into the next closest school which was outstanding and much posher but we wanted to practise what we preach.

My two eldest have both been told they’d get scholarships to the local private schools as they play elite sport but we’ve not applied because we don’t believe in the principle of private education. I don’t regret it for one second. I think mixing with a range of people, experiencing different types of
backgrounds, and having to be self-motivated to get results are much more valuable than being coached to get As at A-level tbh.

My parents didn’t believe in private school so sent me to a (supposedly great) comp in a leafy area.
It was utterly shit. Bullying was rife, teachers joined in sometimes. There was no accountability. The standard of teaching was appalling.
My DM had lovely ideas of me mixing with people from all different backgrounds…the reality was being exposed to violence, sexual abuse, and horrific situations from some really traumatised kids.

Same. I’d much rather challenge those power structures that advantage privately-educated kids than engage with them. My eldest wants to go into politics and he’ll be infinitely better-placed to be decent, empathetic and understanding to the people he works with and for because we’re not rich and he went to the local comp. He recognises that already.

And yes, it’s one thing for parents who have the decision making power to state they have no regrets and are happy with the decision they made, but that isn’t necessarily going to be the view of the child/ren that have to live with that decision.

Tbh if it’s a choice between a private school and a shit state school, I don’t understand why a parent choosing the state school would be considered in any way laudable, or why that decision would be something to be proud of.

2 isn't really mingling with Joe Public though, is it? Local clubs are self-selecting, depending on the parents/children who are interested in committing to hobbies.

“having to be self-motivated to get results are much more valuable than being coached to get As at A-level tbh.”

So being in an environment that isn’t as supportive to learning (which is what is meant by ‘coached’ - as if supporting children to achieve their potential is a negative), is inferior to one where one must succeed despite the odds? Are they going to school or competing in the hunger games?

Most state schools aren't "shit" and that is pretty offensive to the teachers that work there.

😂

I said ‘a shit state school’, singular. I didn’t say all state schools were shit. If someone has to choose between a shit state school and a private school (aka a good state school isn’t an option), and they choose the former, then, again, I don’t see how that is in any way laudable.

Actually my uni (many moons ago) had a lot of privately educated kids who struggled because they had been spoon fed until A level.

Never have been tbh. I prefer to pay PAYE than spunk the system as a freelance on IR35

Okay, and I knew state educated kids that also struggled with the transition to uni 🤷🏻‍♀️

Again, ‘spoon fed’ merely means supported to achieve potential. Is that something you want for your kids, indeed all kids, or not? Because on one hand the argument is that ‘all children should get that quality of education’, and on the other it’s ‘spoon feeding is bad for kids!’.

Bullying was rife, teachers joined in sometimes. There was no accountability...
the reality was being exposed to violence, sexual abuse, and horrific situations from some really traumatised kids.

This was pretty much sums up my Dad's experience of private school.

I am also sending my kids to the comp down the road although I could afford private. They have been to a state primary where they are an ethnic minority and have thrived there. The secondary has good results and seems nurturing.

If you can afford private school fees then you can afford to live in the catchment areas of the best state schools. Pretty much the same thing in my book. You are paying a premium either way.
I was educated in the state system but my parents paid a massive premium to be in the right catchment area for the highest achieving state comp. But the catchment area was very middle class and house prices high as a result of local schools. The pupils were consistently high achievers, parents supportive and the school attracted talented teaching staff as a result.
You either pay for the education or pay for the mortgage that allows access to the best schools.
I was on the fence with my DS, we originally moved to our current house to be in the catchment for the best school in the local authority. But in the end paid for private selective, initially because wrap around care was included in fees.
No one knew the pandemic was going to happen or the inevitable cost of living crisis which has resulted in ongoing strikes in a lot of sectors, but privately educated children have had far less disruption to their education and for that I am happy that we chose the private route. It is wrong that all children could not be given the same advantage but I make no apologies for my decision. It was a good fit for my DS who is bright and can be a bit quirky, something that is not always tolerated in mainstream state but is often the norm in academically selective schools.

Your child may be bright but putting them in a 'sink school' will likely affect their levels of motivation and not in a good way. The influence of a peer group (positively or negatively) is real.
The main issue I had in my own State Comprehensive from which I went to Oxford University was the levels of disruption in mixed ability classes especially in the lower years.
It had previously been a Secondary Modern and the teachers were very pleased to have access to brighter kids and many of them were excellent at their jobs.
But you don't get this kind of disruption in private day schools (I would not want my kids to board) as they can expel children who misbehave.

I'm with you op.
My dd has dyslexia which wasn't picked up all through primary.
It's not extreme but she was behind in reading etc.it affected her self esteem because she couldn't get read and access education along with her peers.
We had to buck the equality system St one point op and buy in some help
Short term but an expert gave us simple tips to help.
Unfortunately too late for her self esteem.
She's in year 10 at secondary and is being bullied.

Last week she was being held agaisnt a table with her face for smooched into it.

We could afford to send her private and for primary but like you we feel no matter her hardships it's really important that she gets bullied if that's par fir the course, falls behind educationally because teachers in state don't understand sen and experiences a full range of behaviors.

This is what middle class parents parents in nice areas, with access to good schools spout......you wouldn't be quite so pro it if you lived in a deprived area, with poor scores, and poor advancement..... you're privileged to,live in an area you can spout off about diversity whilst not actually being in an area you need to worry about poverty......

My children were all state educated and have all achieved way beyond my achievements! All at RG unis with 2 getting firsts and now earning a lot of money! I went to a private school and absolutely hated every second I was there . Think I got three O levels 🤦‍♀️