Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I wasn’t in the wrong for not mentioning my allergy?

302 replies

ChiChaNaYubi · 01/07/2023 16:41

My sister in law made a birthday cake for our father in laws birthday yesterday.
Turns out she used duck eggs in the batter, which make me violently sick and give me breathing problems. I wasn’t mad about it, I understand it’s a really odd thing to be allergic too but she’s absolutely livid with me for not telling her. Thing is, it just never occurred to me to ask tbh! It’s such a random allergy that I often forget about it as duck eggs are just not something I ever come across really. She been really quite nasty to me about it, calling me thick, irresponsible etc.

Is she being u reasonable to be so angry or am I for not asking ?

OP posts:
Original poster
ChiChaNaYubi · 01/07/2023 17:37

Also the last time I came across a duck egg, I was 16! My mum poisoned me with Yorkshire puddings made with duck eggs because she forgot I couldn’t eat them. Now SHE should have known 😅

OP posts:
Nimbus9000 · 01/07/2023 17:37

She shouldn’t be being rude but I kind of understand her point of view. One year I went to a huge amount of trouble to cater Christmas for DH’s family. His brother’s wife nor his brother mentioned that she can’t eat a very common ingredient which was basically in all the food I had made in some form or other. So I had spent hours already then had to make something else for her to eat on top of that. I was furious (but didn’t show it!). If you’re allergic to something and people will be making food for you, you should let them know.

flimsywhimsy · 01/07/2023 17:41

It would never in a million years occur to me that someone might but duck eggs in a cake. OP isn't obligated to tell everyone (or anyone) about her allergies. If she blamed SIL or tried to make her feel guilty, that would be one thing, but she's said it's no-one's fault, and SIL is still refusing to let it go. She might illogically feel bad about making OP ill, but complaining about it to others (not just privately, to her husband) isn't the solution.

YANBU, so long as you accept responsibility for the situation, as it seems you have.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 01/07/2023 17:41

Duck eggs are better to use than chicken eggs for baking cakes, to all of those questioning why duck eggs would be used.

Your SIL is being unreasonable for being angry with you. Perhaps it's her defence mechanism taking over. If I were her, I'd be devastated and making sure you're ok.

I would not say you were unreasonable as such, but it is odd not to check with the baker of a cake whether chicken or duck eggs have been used, given that duck eggs are so commonly used for cake baking. Personally, I would have let her know prior to baking the cake of your allergy. I wouldn't really call you unreasonable though, just one of those things. I have an allergy too and accept that if I haven't informed someone first and they use the food, that I can't eat it, that's on me.

Original poster
ChiChaNaYubi · 01/07/2023 17:44

ReadingSoManyThreads · 01/07/2023 17:41

Duck eggs are better to use than chicken eggs for baking cakes, to all of those questioning why duck eggs would be used.

Your SIL is being unreasonable for being angry with you. Perhaps it's her defence mechanism taking over. If I were her, I'd be devastated and making sure you're ok.

I would not say you were unreasonable as such, but it is odd not to check with the baker of a cake whether chicken or duck eggs have been used, given that duck eggs are so commonly used for cake baking. Personally, I would have let her know prior to baking the cake of your allergy. I wouldn't really call you unreasonable though, just one of those things. I have an allergy too and accept that if I haven't informed someone first and they use the food, that I can't eat it, that's on me.

Are they? Because I’m nearly 30 years old and have never come across a cake with duck eggs in it!

But again, I’m not mad it’s just a cock up. I just think the name calling and the bitching it unnecessary. I’m embarrassed enough! Also I had no idea she was making a cake so I couldn’t have mentioned it before now.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 01/07/2023 17:44

@ChiChaNaYubi

As a person with Coeliac, I may not specifically mention it ahead of time unless asked (although just about everyone I'm close to knows), but I would then assume that any food offered isn't 'safe', even if it looks like it should be.

So in your situation I would have turned down the cake with a smile and a "no thank you" or I would have asked what type of eggs were used BEFORE I accepted it.

I know the pain of GI 'effects' very well, and it's never anything that I would choose to take a chance on by just thinking "Oh, I'm sure it's OK".

amysaurus87 · 01/07/2023 17:45

As a parent of children with allergies and I also have random allergies, I make a point of telling anyone cooking for us of allergies to avoid situations like this...you could have easily said to SIL 'I know it's random and you probably just use normal eggs but if your making a cake I'm allergic to duck eggs'

Backstreets · 01/07/2023 17:45

YANBU, hopefully she’s just lashing out because you gave her a massive fright.

I’m massively curious to try duck eggs now. Only ever thought of them for making, well, new ducks

Original poster
ChiChaNaYubi · 01/07/2023 17:46

Duck eggs are delicious! They just don’t like me 😀

Well everyone knows about my allergy now ha!

OP posts:
drpet49 · 01/07/2023 17:47

Quinoawoman · 01/07/2023 16:50

I say this as a parent of a coeliac - you are being unreasonable not to inform people of your allergy. If it's your sister in law, surely she has know you for years? Why would you not have mentioned this through your entire relationship?

Especially an IGE allergy - I didn't even know it was possible to have an IGE recation to duck eggs but not chicken eggs. You are taking your life in your hands by not checking before you eat. Take this as a lesson learned.

I agree.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 01/07/2023 17:47

I think if you have an allergy to duck eggs YABU to eat homemade items which contain eggs and not to check; chicken and duck eggs are generally interchangeable in baking recipes (so long as you account for duck eggs being larger). It seems common sense if you have an egg allergy to check eggs used aren’t duck eggs and I can see why your SIL would be upset. It’s fine to be blasé about your own health, but unfair to disregard how much guilt somebody would have to live with if you’d had a more serious allergic reaction to food they gave you because you didn’t think to check. Anaphylaxis could lead to a lifelong brain injury or even death, no wonder your SIL is upset thinking about what could have happened.

Dotandtime · 01/07/2023 17:49

How did it become known duck eggs had been used.

My sister has a friend who keeps ducks so most eggs in her house come from her friend's ducks. It would never occur to me that you could be allergic to duck eggs and not hen's eggs so I don't think I'd have mentioned the fact that the cake was made with duck eggs. I wouldn't have dreamt it mattered to anyone.

I would expect someone in the family, who eats at my house, with a severe allergy to have told me!

Appleblossompetal · 01/07/2023 17:49

Did she ask if you had any allergies?

phoenixrosehere · 01/07/2023 17:52

I think you are both unreasonable.

You know you have an allergy and as obscure as you think it is, it is your responsibility to ask/check/inform especially with homemade products. SIL’s reaction isn’t right either and shouldn’t be calling you names.

Simplelobsterhat · 01/07/2023 17:56

I'm not even sure if I've ever eaten a duck egg! so I'm not sure why people are surprised it hasn't come up in conversation with someone who isn't closely related and they didn't see very often!

Op you were wrong not to mention it, and the consequences have shown you why, but equally I can understand why you didn't if, like me, you didn't come across duck eggs very often.

But I can understand SIL being upset as she has been put in a difficult position.

I think you need to apologise for not realising people used duck eggs in cakes and spoiling the get together, and then move on.

legalseagull · 01/07/2023 17:58

Anyone calling me thick would have to apologise pretty bloody sharpish or if not speak to them again.

CurlewKate · 01/07/2023 17:59

"Unless you own ducks, or you’re a royal baker, who the duck routinely uses duck eggs for cakes? They’re too big and the weight is often wrong."

I do sometimes-there are a lot of them where I live. You just weigh the egg, then use equal weights of other ingredients. See me for more baking tips.....

BodgerLovesMashedPotato · 01/07/2023 17:59

She'll have panicked
As someone who suffers from an egg allergy, there's no way I'd have not mentioned it, it just isn't worth the risk.
You knew it had eggs in it, it's like playing roulette with your life by not stating you're allergic to a certain type.
She's not a mind reader.

Dotandtime · 01/07/2023 18:00

I think I'd be quite upset if my cooking had made someone "violently sick" when it could have easily been avoided.

I also think an adult needs to tell you if they have allergies, it's not up to the host to check.

Dotandtime · 01/07/2023 18:01

ChiChaNaYubi · 01/07/2023 17:44

Are they? Because I’m nearly 30 years old and have never come across a cake with duck eggs in it!

But again, I’m not mad it’s just a cock up. I just think the name calling and the bitching it unnecessary. I’m embarrassed enough! Also I had no idea she was making a cake so I couldn’t have mentioned it before now.

Show quote history

But you knew she'd made a cake before you ate it.

sonjadog · 01/07/2023 18:03

I never knew so many people used duck eggs in cake baking.

CurlewKate · 01/07/2023 18:04

It sounds as if you gave your SIL a scare and she reacted badly. I would be consumed with guilt if I were her, and that might have made her lash out. Least said, soonest mended, I reckon!

Not sure where her "being horrible" and wanting to "be lauded" came from!

TheMarzipanDildo · 01/07/2023 18:04

Where are people buying duck eggs from? I don’t feel like I’ve ever seen them in the supermarket.

BodgerLovesMashedPotato · 01/07/2023 18:04

Dotandtime · 01/07/2023 17:49

How did it become known duck eggs had been used.

My sister has a friend who keeps ducks so most eggs in her house come from her friend's ducks. It would never occur to me that you could be allergic to duck eggs and not hen's eggs so I don't think I'd have mentioned the fact that the cake was made with duck eggs. I wouldn't have dreamt it mattered to anyone.

I would expect someone in the family, who eats at my house, with a severe allergy to have told me!

It would never occur to me that you could be allergic to duck eggs and not hen's eggs so I don't think I'd have mentioned the fact that the cake was made with duck eggs. I wouldn't have dreamt it mattered to anyone.

It wouldn't have occurred to me either and I am allergic to eggs! I'd assumed if you were allergic to eggs then you were allergic to all of them.
So if I knew you ate eggs, then if you didnt pipe up "actually I'm allergic to duck ones" I'd think you could eat them. Which a lot of people would assume too.
TELL people!

ReadingSoManyThreads · 01/07/2023 18:04

ChiChaNaYubi · 01/07/2023 17:44

Are they? Because I’m nearly 30 years old and have never come across a cake with duck eggs in it!

But again, I’m not mad it’s just a cock up. I just think the name calling and the bitching it unnecessary. I’m embarrassed enough! Also I had no idea she was making a cake so I couldn’t have mentioned it before now.

Show quote history

Yes! I'm really shocked that you didn't know this, considering you have an egg allergy!! You'll not forget this now at least!

Your SIL sounds nasty in her reaction to nearly killing you (sorry, couldn't resist), there is absolutely no need for name calling and bitching. She's clearly a cow. Anyone who accidentally causes an allergic reaction to someone should at least give a shit about it, and not get angry at the person having the reaction! I'd give her a wide berth in future, nasty cow.

I didn't realise you didn't know she'd be making a cake, so you had no reason to inform her prior to this.

I hope you're ok now, and thank goodness it wasn't a fatal reaction.