to feel my friend is being fucking insensitive?!

[intheattics]

Me and my best friend had babies within a month of each other. Sadly her partner ran off with someone weeks before she gave birth and hasn’t heard a thing from him since. Before people pile on saying it’s terrible for her, yes I know it is, but we are now 17 months on and he has paid her maintenance from day one with no issue (this is relevant).

Me and DH both work part time and on the other days look after ds, so effectively doing something every day and I never have alone time. My friend however has her dd in nursery for the week but only works four days so effectively has a full day to herself each week. I would do ANYTHING for this. It is just not possible as we can’t afford it. And yes I do get time here and there when DH is around but getting a full day to myself a week? No chance! She has recently said work are pressuring her to come back full time so she might have to do that when her dd turns two and is saying she won’t be able to manage (despite having family twenty mins away!) and she seems oblivious that she’s already had loads of time to herself that many people do not get, whether in a couple or not. I am really really sympathetic to the fact she is on her own but honestly she absolutely has more time to herself than any other parent I know and yet she doesnt seem to see that and seems to see herself as hard done by in comparison to me and basically any other mother. Every couple of weeks she then takes a day of annual leave so sometimes it’s two days off and she will send pics from the spa or ask me to join (I can’t!). I am finding it hard to talk to her about how full on she finds things when my days are full on every.single.day. DH gets in around 8pm so it’s pretty much just me anyway in the week!

I am really cut up about this as we were so so so close before this but she seems utterly delusional and even if I’ve had a difficult day she seems to think all is well when DH comes home… actually the reality is I have to then be chatty and invest in my relationship rather than switching the tv on and having a few hours to myself while they sleep!! I don’t know how to get through to her that I find it really difficult that she doesn’t seem to appreciate I also have stresses but also no alone time. I feel like I’ve lost someone who used to fully understand me/my life and vice versa. Is the friendship doomed? I don’t feel I can say anything without sounding like I don’t understand her own pressures which I absolutely do.

Its tough being a parent, you don't get days to yourself when you have kids, that's life. So she has a childfree day off work once a week, but other than that she has to cope with everything alone, all the time. You have a partner to share every chore, every upset, every joy, can you really not see how exhausting and lonely it would be to do it all by yourself?

She's a single working parent. Get a grip. You are not a friend or a nice person

I’m single parent to little person, but I hear you OP about it being tough to be a parent.

You sound exhausted and like you need a break. It’s hard not to feel jealous of someone else who is getting some time out. But,I agree with others that it sounds like you’re not happy with your set up and projecting it onto your friend, which isn’t nice of you.

I think others are being a bit harsh.. at the root of all this is a person who is knackered (you) so you have my sympathies at least for that.

I agree you need to maybe think about going full time and putting kids in nursery for more days.

Would you trade having your DH for a day off a week? Would it be worth having no one to share the worries and celebrations of tiny moments with? Of knowing you’re part of a team, not working alone?

Having small children can be hard (I have a two year old and a six month old so I do get it). No amount of alone time would be worth going it alone though.

Please don’t begrudge your friend for having some time to herself.

My DH traveled for work when I had babies and toddlers. So I've had a mix of doing it on my own and with him around. I think you do get more free time when they are teens and you're alone but, when they're little, it's harder on your own. If you need some alone time you need to negotiate that with your DH.

You state you and your DP work part time, great you can both afford this by the way, but if your friend works 4 days, sounds like she works more than you for a start. You and DP will get annual leave from your jobs so you do have the opportunity to have days to yourself but it sounds like you would rather be a martyr. Also sounds like you are jealous of the money she has. Here’s a suggestion, maybe you and your partner work full time. You sound very bitter.

I find this thread a little odd - it seem like your in competition with your friend who has it harder.

OP, I just wanted to say to be kind to yourself. I’m really sorry to hear that you’re struggling. Things will get easier as your DC get older, and as PPs have said, there are ways you can consider carving out more time for yourself in the mean time.

Ah OP I had to reply. I think you’re suffering from ‘the grass is greener’ but it rarely is.
2 year olds are hard work. I have two nearly 4 year olds and can honestly say…it gets easier.
I am married, both work full time and things are tough. I cannot imagine doing it alone! We give each other free time, I use mine to exercise and likewise my husband plays sport. If I have a day off work it inevitably means sorting out things at home.
Your friend wouldn’t be able to put on her running shoes at 6am because her baby would be alone, I can and value it so much. Your friend can however access a day in childcare where she can have a small slice of time to herself. There is no winner or loser, just two mothers in different situations who should be supporting each other regardless.

I really can't understand why you can't carve out time alone for yourself when you have a DP who can look after your DC. Surely you can find an hour to go for a cafe to read a book or go for a walk? My DH used to work away all week and I still managed to get time by myself at the weekend while he took over with the children. You just need to sit down and talk it through with your DP.

I'm getting the feeling that your friend has a positive, problem-solving, attitude and you have a slightly negative, problem-finding attitude.

This for example:
I just don’t think she understands that parenting is also hard in a couple and that many couples, like me, don’t get any time alone. Ever.

As a single parent, she could rightly assume she would get no time alone ever. However, she's made it work so she does.

In a couple, you could rightly assume that you would get some time to yourself, but it hasn't happened.

I think she is triggering to you because she is making things work that you want and haven't (yet) made happen. But it's within your gift to change things. (Not saying it's easy!)

i think it’s just that I it’s not the same as literally planning a day alone. I would have to co ordinate with DH, in advance and around work etc. I guess I am jealous of the consistency my friend has. It’s not just spa days, that was the latest one but it’s meeting other friends for lunch or whatever else and I am just not able to ring fence a day like that to myself.

Sorry I am just having a shit time at the moment and I hate constantly being around someone at all times

Thats just normal life with children. You have to co ordinate around work and other people. I mean that’s just normal life in general tbh. Not many people with or without kids have the luxury of a week day off every week to themselves.

Book a day of annual leave and spend it by yourself if that’s what you want to do.

Why are weekends so hectic? Do less. Make less plans. Say no to things. Plan a spa day by yourself in advance. You can do all these things to make your life better you’re just choosing not to

@intheattics

start prioritising yourself at the weekends Op

stop doing so much “family stuff” - it’s not necessary

@catsoop doesn't really sell it, does it?

OP up until not that long ago I would have felt the same as you. Your comment about constantly being around people really resonated with me as that's exactly how I felt. My DH died suddenly recently though and I would give anything to have him under my feet or there to spend time with our DC. I'm not saying this to make you feel bad but more to say I empathize and understand it's hard to see it from the other point of view when things feel like they're on top of you.

To see things from your friend's side though, having lunch/spa day etc would never be a substitute for having a loving partner and decent parent to your child. I've particularly struggled with being the only person to make significant decisions, no one to run anything by, the only person to be around when they're ill. But also having to attend things on my own where other people have the option of potentially sharing happy moments with someone else.

I appreciate it's exacerbated in my situation because we're all also grieving but I would imagine many of the challenges are difficult for your friend too. Having family who help isn't a substitute for sharing all of that with a partner. Please don't share your comment about needing time to "work on your relationship" with her...I get it, I really do, totally felt like that was a burden at points but having a relationship to work on in an otherwise happy marriage is a luxury for many of us.

Wow! This has to be a joke?

She's a single parent and YOU'RE the one acting like you're hard done by? You don't sound like a good friend at all.

I think people in couples can at times be extraordinarily naive about the realities of being a single parent. I'm not a single parent but I have a few friends who are and even they at times don't realise how much harder they have it - just having another person who is also responsible for a child on a day to day basis is a massive weight off your shoulders - doing it alone, with 100% responsibility is incredibly hard. Some of the lack of sympathy single parents get is down to the fact that more SPs are mothers - mothers are just supposed to get on with it and never complain. When a man is a SP suddenly everyone's aware of how hard it is and how heroic they are.

OP the father of your friend's child fucked off when she was at her most vulnerable. She didn't get to bring her baby home with her partner, she didn't have a loving teammate supporting her in the early days. Can you imagine the grief of that? Can you imagine the sadness of having your child rejected and abandoned by their dad? You should be very relieved that your friend has good support and a great system for ensuring she relaxes - without that she would be strung out. She's managing extremely well in very very bad circumstances. You should tell her you're proud of her.

As for your situation, it sounds like you're exhausted and depressed and you're so out of energy that you can't find a way to make it better. It will get better, as your child gets older. Don't alienate your friend by making it about her. Try to find support elsewhere if you can. Hang in there. You will see some light in the grey, probably sooner than you think.

I'm glad you're not my friend OP. I hope this woman has other, more supportive mates around her?

How is it her fault you don't ever get time to yourself? Sort yourself out and stop blaming others for your inability to get your life organised. Martyrdom impresses nobody.

Comparison is the thief of joy. You resent what you don't have and are jealous of what she does have. You say you would do anything to have one day a week to yourself but you can't afford more childcare, yet you both work part time. One or both of you could work more or get better paying jobs. You could cut unnecessary expenses (Sky TV if you have it for example) to pay for nursery.

Don't forget she would probably do anything to have a partner like yours who works as a team with you for your family.

Someone will always have something you don't, just make your life the best it can be.

I'm getting the feeling that your friend has a positive, problem-solving, attitude and you have a slightly negative, problem-finding attitude

Yep- I think this is it. She is focusing on what she can do, you are focusing on what you cannot do. Massive difference. You both work part time?- well lots of people both work full time so you are better off than a lot of other people and so they could equally say to you, you have it really easy!

OP I know! Split up with your DH then you won't have to be chatty AND you'll get time to yourself when it's his weekend/evenings with your child. Win-win.

Jealously is a bitch.

Put your DC in nursery on your day off and then you too can have free time.

That's what she does. She pays for a day of nursery so she gets some time. You choose not to.

OP you have had your arse handed to you by previous posters and, honestly, you needed that. Hopefully you can now focus on finding ways to make yourself happier instead of comparing your life to your friends. I don’t need to add much more as it has been said except that your friend doesn’t have a whole day to herself - my guess is she has, at best, around 6 or 7 hours once she has done the drop off and pick up and that really isn’t that much time to do chores and chill out every week. It should not be beyond you to arrange the same for yourself occasionally- yes, you would have to co-ordinate with your DH but that’s no harder than “co-ordinating” with a nursery who can’t give you flexibility in terms of, say, collection times.

This