to feel my friend is being fucking insensitive?!

[intheattics]

Me and my best friend had babies within a month of each other. Sadly her partner ran off with someone weeks before she gave birth and hasn’t heard a thing from him since. Before people pile on saying it’s terrible for her, yes I know it is, but we are now 17 months on and he has paid her maintenance from day one with no issue (this is relevant).

Me and DH both work part time and on the other days look after ds, so effectively doing something every day and I never have alone time. My friend however has her dd in nursery for the week but only works four days so effectively has a full day to herself each week. I would do ANYTHING for this. It is just not possible as we can’t afford it. And yes I do get time here and there when DH is around but getting a full day to myself a week? No chance! She has recently said work are pressuring her to come back full time so she might have to do that when her dd turns two and is saying she won’t be able to manage (despite having family twenty mins away!) and she seems oblivious that she’s already had loads of time to herself that many people do not get, whether in a couple or not. I am really really sympathetic to the fact she is on her own but honestly she absolutely has more time to herself than any other parent I know and yet she doesnt seem to see that and seems to see herself as hard done by in comparison to me and basically any other mother. Every couple of weeks she then takes a day of annual leave so sometimes it’s two days off and she will send pics from the spa or ask me to join (I can’t!). I am finding it hard to talk to her about how full on she finds things when my days are full on every.single.day. DH gets in around 8pm so it’s pretty much just me anyway in the week!

I am really cut up about this as we were so so so close before this but she seems utterly delusional and even if I’ve had a difficult day she seems to think all is well when DH comes home… actually the reality is I have to then be chatty and invest in my relationship rather than switching the tv on and having a few hours to myself while they sleep!! I don’t know how to get through to her that I find it really difficult that she doesn’t seem to appreciate I also have stresses but also no alone time. I feel like I’ve lost someone who used to fully understand me/my life and vice versa. Is the friendship doomed? I don’t feel I can say anything without sounding like I don’t understand her own pressures which I absolutely do.

Your excuse for why you don’t get to have a day alone (and consequently get to criticise and moan about your friend) is that you would have to coordinate with your DH?! Poor you, that must be really stressful. Your friend is so lucky so gets to use precious annual leave to get some alone time since she’s doing things 100% alone. The lucky, lucky thing.

Sorry that you are finding it tough at the moment OP, parenting a toddler is hard even with 2. Especially if you are both working as well. We are in the same boat. It does get easier as they get more independent. I think you understand now that you are misplacing your frustrations by focusing on your friend. I hope you find a way to get some of the time you need.

Goodness, I re-read the OP and see you only work part-time. Well then you have it easier than many!! I worked full time since 8 months. It was tough at times. Should I blame you for that?!

Maybe try to view it differently, you work parttime and have all the other days (4 maybe) to be with your precious child. I wouldn't have wanted mine in nursery when they could be with me and with them all grown up I'm glad they were with me so much.

So you both have it hard in different ways but you are annoyed because she doesn't think you have it harder than her?

You do realise that most parents of young kids are tired and time poor and touched out don't you? You have a dh to take some of the load off you and she has nursery.

It's not a race to the bottom is it? Competitive tiredness?

Comparison is the thief of joy OP. And in this case it will be the thief of your friendship if you aren't careful.

DH would look after ds but it is always chaotic around work etc or family stuff at weekends.

this makes it sound like you both work part time during the e week and are both off at the weekend. If thats the case, you are being ridiculous. Or have a serious dh problem.

Why can't you use your own annual leave?

Good on your friend for making the best of a bad situation and taking control of her life where she could.

If you and your partner have made choices that mean you now can't get the balance right for yourselves, you need to accept it or fix it, not resent people who have.

I'm assuming your dc will go to nursery when they turn 3. There's your chance for some time to yourself.

YABU

you have back up all the time with a live in partner. She doesn’t.

Can’t be that “chaotic” this weekend given the time you’re dedicating to this thread

And I’m sure she would love to have someone to share her evenings and weekends with, and share the burden of a sick child or the sleepless nights. However she is not begrudging you.. and bloody hell she deserves a spa day or two a month. A single parent is a hard job! Stop being woe is me and make changes in your life so you’re happier.

Your post is completely tone deaf. I hope she ditches you. Who needs friends like you really.

Stop looking at your friend and envying her life and start looking at your own. Take a day of annual leave in a few weeks time and book that haircut and lunch etc. I’m not denying you are struggling but the answer is not to be found in envy, it’s in proactively doing something to make your own situation better. That’s what your friend is doing. I admire her commitment to self care, she’s her child’s only parent so needs to look after herself. You should learn from that not envy her.

So what’s stopping you putting your child in nursery and taking annual leave once a week?

you’ve got a dual income household as well. And another person who can pick up the slack unlike your friend who has to plan around her child on her own.

why do you suppose your friends life is any less chaotic? She’s prioritised and is using the resources she can.

there is nothing stopping you doing the same.

You seem really jealous of what you perceive to be her perks and show zero understanding of how tough doing it alone is. I was a single mum, I literally had to pay someone every single time I needed to leave the house...seems she is in the same boat. She also is not putting that stress onto you or complaining! She's probably better off without you in her life!

Why don't you just book a days annual leave and use it to go to a spa (if it's genuinely distressing you this much that your mate has had the audacity to go to a spa?)

Being a parent to very young DC is relentless and often utterly exhausting. You've got to stop imaging your friend swanning off to spas etc. it'll just drive you into madness. As others have said, look carefully at what you and your DH can do to give each other down time. My DH used to take DC out for a few hours most Saturday or Sunday mornings. It made a difference. Also, I promise it gets better!

You're missing the fact that while you don't get a day off during the week she is the only parent all weekend, every evening, every night wake up. You have your DH who should be sharing those things 50/50 so you have support where she is alone.

It may be that both situations when equalled out are as hard as each other but it isn't a case that she has it easier just different.

I don’t get it. Nothing is stopping you from saying to DH that you want a few hours off every weekend. Even if it’s just you being upstairs watching a movie and DH minding the baby downstairs.

Im a new single mum as of 2 months ago and I have 2 DC. EVERYTHING is SO hard! I just can’t begin to explain the difference a partner makes. Knowing that someone is coming home to you, knowing that you don’t have to spend your birthdays and Christmases alone.

I think you need to take a step back and realise how unreasonable you are.

I agree with this. This is a really odd kind of suffering olympics thread. You are jealous that she has childcare but she could equally be jealous that you have a DH to help you- friendship is not a competition.

You say it would take coordination to arrange for your DH to look after your child, so coordinate that, it cant be that hard to both look in your diaries and arrange for you to have a day off surely?- it would take literally 5 minutes to plan. You are acting like coordinating this is some kind of horrific, monumental and impossible task. Its not.

It seems like you'd feel more comfortable if she didnt have a day off to herself and can only be friends if she has it "harder" than you but in many ways she does. I'm sorry but this is all coming across as extremely petty and competitive. How will you feel if she meets an amazing man?- will you unfriend her because then she'll be in an even better place than you?

Instead of comparing who has it harder, look at your own life and try to manage it so that you do have some time off, thats a far more productive use of your time than all this stewing bitterness and bad feeling that she has it "easier".

Also what’s with the spa obsession? You realise she probably spends the day off she gets to catch up on cleaning the house/laundry/grocery shopping. Ugh sorry your post really infuriates me.

Gosh OP, I get that you are finding things difficult but your friend having 1 day of nursery really doesn't trump having a partner to share the mental load and parental responsibility of looking after a baby/toddler.

She is doing every bedtime, every meal, every time her dc is ill, every early morning wake up.

Surely you get annual leave? Why can't you plan to do something - alone or with her- on one of those days? Doesn't have to be a pricey spa.

Do your funded childcare hours kick in soon? That should help financially. Does your OH pull his weight?

Don't be jealous of your friend having 9 hours a week of childcare. It doesn't reflect you in a good light.

This - 100%

She has to do it all alone - no one to share financial worries and questions with, no one to share the worry and the sleepless nights when they’re unwell, no one to share and spend weekends with - no one who is on the team with her.

You’re also only talking about weekdays and not weekends. You could have a day to yourself at the weekends. Or if not, you’re doing this between two not solo.

I think it’s your DH you have to speak to if you have complaints, as you shouldn’t have zero time to yourself.

Also nothing stopping you taking annual leave during the week to have some alone time as she does. Presumably she pays for nursery throughout the year as a result. Do you save your AL to save you money during any holidays from nursery or is it that you want to spend it with your DH?

This is a good point, reframing it to a positive.

I would not have wanted mine in nursery 4 full days at such a young age but I was lucky and had a choice.

Why don’t you take some annual leave?

Either you’re willing to do ANYTHING o achieve it like you said, or you’re not. All the evidence shows you’re not. For context me and DH get ONE night a YEAR at the most child free to either do something ourselves or go out with friends together.

someone in this friendship is being insensitive but I’m afraid it’s you.