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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it’s time to call it a day

150 replies

Nosierosi · 01/07/2023 07:54

I’m in a relationship just over a year and a half. I have two young children - currently divorcing their dad (nothing to do with current relationship)

First year was great, few arguments but that’s normal. The last 8 months theres been a lot of friction, I’ve felt that he has put me under pressure to behave a certain way with my children or with the divorce and he has a short fuse so whilst I’ve not felt physically threatened he definitely fights dirty verbally which I don’t agree with and I think his short fuse has in the past led to me not speaking up when things bother me.

last week we reached what I think is a crossroads. He blew up at me in front of the kids, he said a lot of hurtful things and I then told him to get out of the car and go home. Didn’t hear from him all weekend. Then I get a call with a no apology apology - “I’m sorry but I’ve been busy at work, DC was screaming, you were angry too” etc I said I needed some space to think about what he said. We spoke twice more where I explained that I didn’t feel heard and that his temper worried me, that there didn’t seem to be space in the relationship for me to challenge him, he never apologises and take responsibility etc I was met with defensiveness and attack ie I don’t listen to him and I don’t support him etc… I have taken some time away from speaking with him, although we have communicated each day this week, I know he finds this difficult and he has told me he feels rejected.

after a lot of thought I decided to suggest working at things but only if he was prepared to do some reflection and look inside himself as to why he reacts/behaves in the way he does. I am also prepared to do the same work. I asked if we could speak and he said he had a busy day and later would be better, totally fine. Then later that evening I message him asking him if he is done with work and he tells me he has gone to a concert with some friends.

am I being unreasonable to think that he should have either told me earlier or prioritised speaking to me.

or

i am not being unreasonable and this demonstrates how genuine he is at wanting to work things out.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 01/07/2023 07:55

It sounds too much like hard work, and it shouldn’t be.

honeyandfizz · 01/07/2023 07:57

I have voted YABU purely because you should not even be questioning this. What a horrible toxic environment for your kids. He will never ever change and doesn't give of a shite by the sounds of it. Protect your DC and get rid of him before they witness their mother being abused again.

Sunshineandrainbow · 01/07/2023 07:59

Call it a day.
Your first priority is your children.

Sunshineandrainbow · 01/07/2023 07:59

Call it a day.
Your first priority is your children.

Ragwort · 01/07/2023 08:01

Just don't waste anymore time on him. Why put yourself, and more importantly, your DC, through this toxic relationship. You need to work on your self esteem, just why do you think a relationship like this is acceptable?

heartofglass23 · 01/07/2023 08:01

He hates you.

Katesdeadbehindtheeyes · 01/07/2023 08:01

I agree with the other posters it shouldn't be this hard so soon. Was your relationship with STBXH similar to this ? I went through a pattern of abusive relationships as I thought that was normal at the time. Please don't do the same mate.

PinkFootstool · 01/07/2023 08:02

Going to the concert is a red herring.

Bin this idiot. Your kids deserve better than him. You do too, but they don't have a say in this by the sounds of it. Protect them.

Get the divorce over with. Have a while as a single woman and set boundaries for any future man.

Huckleberries73 · 01/07/2023 08:03

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

PoppyFleur · 01/07/2023 08:03

Unless he really wants to work at it, and seek professional help to understand his response reflex, then nothing will change.

When someone shows you who they truly are, believe them the first time.

AuntMarch · 01/07/2023 08:03

Any relationship you are in, is what you are modelling to your children. Would you want either of them to behave like him, or put up with it like you?

Why are you even suggesting all this effort to fix something that sounds so unpleasant?

SpringleDingle · 01/07/2023 08:04

You are not being unreasonable, you can’t have a good relationship with someone who has a temper issue. Blowing up at you in front of the kids would be a deal breaker for me.

BethDuttonsTwin · 01/07/2023 08:04

I think you should get your children out of this conflicted adult situation you’re in where one of the adults isn’t even their parent! You should do it immediately.

ThatFraggle · 01/07/2023 08:05

Anyone can be lovely and charming for a year. Between 12 - 18 months the mask starts to slip.

You've now seen the real him.

ThePM · 01/07/2023 08:07

honeyandfizz · 01/07/2023 07:57

I have voted YABU purely because you should not even be questioning this. What a horrible toxic environment for your kids. He will never ever change and doesn't give of a shite by the sounds of it. Protect your DC and get rid of him before they witness their mother being abused again.

Me too!

don’t have an angry man around your kids.

also when he says “you didn’t listen” he meant “you didn’t obey.”

Someboysaretryintoohard · 01/07/2023 08:10

Stop questioning yourself and get rid for your kid's sakes

Blossomtoes · 01/07/2023 08:12

It sounds like a lot of hard work for not much return. Throw him back.

TeaKitten · 01/07/2023 08:15

This guy isn’t even your children’s father (although my answer would be the same if it was), you owe it to your children to end this now. They don’t deserve to grow up around an angry man that they aren’t even related to in a crap relationship because their mum wants to ‘give it a go’. You are a parent, put your kids first and stop this crap.

ZenNudist · 01/07/2023 08:15

Get away from him. Your poor kids. They'll catch his temper too eventually

Maray1967 · 01/07/2023 08:18

TeaKitten · 01/07/2023 08:15

This guy isn’t even your children’s father (although my answer would be the same if it was), you owe it to your children to end this now. They don’t deserve to grow up around an angry man that they aren’t even related to in a crap relationship because their mum wants to ‘give it a go’. You are a parent, put your kids first and stop this crap.

Exactly this.

What the hell are you doing to your kids? Get rid of this unpleasant man.

CherryLipgloss · 01/07/2023 08:20

Sounds like he's the kind of guy who keeps you hanging to try and make you keener on him. You don't need this kind of game playing in your life.

EggInANest · 01/07/2023 08:21

OP, this is still a short relationship. You are into the first months of ‘serious’ phase. You should be buoyed up by joy and love. Feel you have a partner who is your team mate, to stand shoulder to shoulder with, glued by love. Heady.

He is displaying signs that are not good for the long term. Especially where your kids are concerned. He doesn’t understand, isn’t sorry, and not only will he not change, the more he feels he is yours, the worse he will get.

It’s really upsetting that he blamed your Dd for his behaviour towards you.

He is not the right man.

towriteyoumustlive · 01/07/2023 08:24

Put your kids first and end this toxic relationship.

There isn't anything to even think about.

ReachForTheMars · 01/07/2023 08:24

Well he is clearly sending you a message that you arent in charge or have equal power. Yet another test.

Bin him. If he is like this with you and the kids, what do you think he will be with in 10 years when they are older and you arent there?

I'm not trying to be a cow or nasty but bluntly I think you need to bin him to focus more in your kids than a relationship that wont work well, however long you string it out.

jeaux90 · 01/07/2023 08:25

Nope bin and dare I say as a lone parent that perhaps just focus on you, the kids, friends and family, career etc for a bit.

The longer you are single and confident and comfortable with that, the less likely you are to compromise your boundaries with men like this.

You and your kids deserve better.