To think it’s time to call it a day

[Nosierosi]

I’m in a relationship just over a year and a half. I have two young children - currently divorcing their dad (nothing to do with current relationship)

First year was great, few arguments but that’s normal. The last 8 months theres been a lot of friction, I’ve felt that he has put me under pressure to behave a certain way with my children or with the divorce and he has a short fuse so whilst I’ve not felt physically threatened he definitely fights dirty verbally which I don’t agree with and I think his short fuse has in the past led to me not speaking up when things bother me.

last week we reached what I think is a crossroads. He blew up at me in front of the kids, he said a lot of hurtful things and I then told him to get out of the car and go home. Didn’t hear from him all weekend. Then I get a call with a no apology apology - “I’m sorry but I’ve been busy at work, DC was screaming, you were angry too” etc I said I needed some space to think about what he said. We spoke twice more where I explained that I didn’t feel heard and that his temper worried me, that there didn’t seem to be space in the relationship for me to challenge him, he never apologises and take responsibility etc I was met with defensiveness and attack ie I don’t listen to him and I don’t support him etc… I have taken some time away from speaking with him, although we have communicated each day this week, I know he finds this difficult and he has told me he feels rejected.

after a lot of thought I decided to suggest working at things but only if he was prepared to do some reflection and look inside himself as to why he reacts/behaves in the way he does. I am also prepared to do the same work. I asked if we could speak and he said he had a busy day and later would be better, totally fine. Then later that evening I message him asking him if he is done with work and he tells me he has gone to a concert with some friends.

am I being unreasonable to think that he should have either told me earlier or prioritised speaking to me.

or

i am not being unreasonable and this demonstrates how genuine he is at wanting to work things out.

OP I cannot believe that, after all you have said about him - and he sounds HORRIBLE - that him going to a concert is your AIBU! Seriously?

it is well past time to call it a day with this abusive horrible angry man. He’s vile. And you and your kids deserve better.

This is the best it will ever be. Your call.

Well done for making the right decision, all the best for the future.

You are going through all the stresses and pain of a divorce while caring for two small children and you have to 'work' on a relationship with this fool?

Why are you inviting all this angst into your life? It is ridiculous. It is not your job to mold him into a considerate, sensible, adult. That is what you do for your children. Please, please, break up with him and give yourself a rest. Next time date someone who makes life easier for you, not someone where you feel you have to be an amateur psychologist.

Why are you with this POS? your poor kids, put them first and bin this idiot.

What type of things did he say in front of the children ?
As you have decided , an angry man is not someone you want in your Children’s lives, or your own, but you may need to talk to them about what he said, that it was not ok for him to talk like that, and that you are not going to be seeing him any more.

First year was great, few arguments but that’s normal.

Tbh I don't think that it is normal!

Sounds as if you should have got out before now.

I think you've made the correct decision, OP. I think you'll be well shot of him.

If you continue this relationship you are putting your children in an abusive home. For your sake and theirs end it and never deal with his short fuse and temper again. Verbal abuse is still abuse.

He sounds horrible, self absorbed and selfish. And you and your kids can do without a short fuse kind of guy around. Don't inflict him on them. Throw this one back.

Why are you offering to do work when you haven’t done anything wrong?

I remember doing this, lying in bed reading ‘Treading on Eggshells’ or something like that. It was a book about how I should deal with someone with borderline personality disorder, who had a history of abuse and anger issues. I’m not sure what the fuck I was thinking… In fact I did manage to keep him calm but I was a nervous wreck!

It sounds like you have some work to do in recognising abuse. Have you read “Why does he do that?” By Lundy Bancroft? I would however do some more research on abuse and personality disorders (Dr Ramani on YouTube is good) because you’ll probably find that your partner doesn’t quite fit into any of the categories and won’t seem as bad so you’ll dismiss what you’re reading and doubt yourself. It’s harder when you’re younger and full of hormones I think. The good thing about menopause is that you don’t have any hormones attaching you to a man and you see things more clearly.

Way too toxic for only a year and a half in.

Your kids don’t need to be around this. Bin him.

Your children deserve better. They should be your priority.

Heavens, get rid of him. He'll only grind you and your DC's into the ground.

It shouldn’t be hard work this early on. Leopards rarely change their spots. I’d call it a day. The damage to your children isn’t worth it.

Well done OP for calling it a day. My advice to you now is to stay single for a few years. I say this as someone who spent years going from one relationship to another, all ending toxic, because I couldn't handle the thought of being alone.

Now i have been single 2 years and it's been very freeing, I really recommend it op. You recognise the red flags and aren't willing to even entertain them from the first conversation! The healthy mindset I have now would never put up with what I did! You'll get there too and it'll become more important to protect the peace you create for you and your dc so any man would have to add to your life in a positive way rather than just "be" there because you liked eachother in the beginning.

No new boyfriend should be changing your behaviour around your children. He shouldn’t be around them enough to do that. You don’t know him well enough. He should be on best behaviour when he does spend time with them. This is a huge red flag.

He definitely shouldn’t be shouting at you in front of your children. Massive red flag.

And yes as someone else says he just wants you to obey him. And you thankfully are strong enough and sensible enough not to blindly capitulate.

Wow! He sounds a keeper! Without meaning to be mean, you’re in the middle of divorcing someone and are already having problems with someone else. Perhaps you could have a bit of peace and stability and have a break from men for a while. It can’t be doing your dc much good to hear another man shouting at you when they must be stressed already from the divorce.
Let your dc see Mum being happy on her own and not in desperate need of a man.

Why are you even in this situation? Your children have already been through the separation and divorce of their parents and now you're exposing them to this toxic man? Fgs get rid of him and spend some time, at least a year or two, prioritising them.

So, @Nosierosi , doyou really want to spend the rest of your life walking on eggshells, waiting for the other shoe to drop, biting your tongue in case you say the wrong things, tiptoeing round someone if you sense they are in a bad mood, having a mental plan in your head for what to do when he finally blows and you have to get the kids out of a dangerous situation……

Is he really worth it? Put him down to a bad experience, and move on. 18 months is nothing compared to your own life and your childrens wellbeing.

100% and you should ask them to do the work and THEN get back together.

Run for the hills

and now I have spotted your update, well done, I imagine you are feeling that the weight of the world has been lifted off your shoulders..

Good decision @Nosierosi he brings nothing to the party