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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think it’s time to call it a day

150 replies

Nosierosi · 01/07/2023 07:54

I’m in a relationship just over a year and a half. I have two young children - currently divorcing their dad (nothing to do with current relationship)

First year was great, few arguments but that’s normal. The last 8 months theres been a lot of friction, I’ve felt that he has put me under pressure to behave a certain way with my children or with the divorce and he has a short fuse so whilst I’ve not felt physically threatened he definitely fights dirty verbally which I don’t agree with and I think his short fuse has in the past led to me not speaking up when things bother me.

last week we reached what I think is a crossroads. He blew up at me in front of the kids, he said a lot of hurtful things and I then told him to get out of the car and go home. Didn’t hear from him all weekend. Then I get a call with a no apology apology - “I’m sorry but I’ve been busy at work, DC was screaming, you were angry too” etc I said I needed some space to think about what he said. We spoke twice more where I explained that I didn’t feel heard and that his temper worried me, that there didn’t seem to be space in the relationship for me to challenge him, he never apologises and take responsibility etc I was met with defensiveness and attack ie I don’t listen to him and I don’t support him etc… I have taken some time away from speaking with him, although we have communicated each day this week, I know he finds this difficult and he has told me he feels rejected.

after a lot of thought I decided to suggest working at things but only if he was prepared to do some reflection and look inside himself as to why he reacts/behaves in the way he does. I am also prepared to do the same work. I asked if we could speak and he said he had a busy day and later would be better, totally fine. Then later that evening I message him asking him if he is done with work and he tells me he has gone to a concert with some friends.

am I being unreasonable to think that he should have either told me earlier or prioritised speaking to me.

or

i am not being unreasonable and this demonstrates how genuine he is at wanting to work things out.

OP posts:
PushmePull · 01/07/2023 08:29

Don't take the concert with friends thing at face value. It could be just he doesn't want to talk yet, don't overanalyze it. Maybe he just doesn't want to do all the "reflecting on his behaviour" that you are asking of him.

However YANBU to get him the hell away from your kids. Trust your instincts, don't waste years waiting for him to change. It doesn't matter whether someone else would put up with it, the question is whether it works for you or not. 8 months is a long time to have been dealing with this "verbal fighting dirty" in a still quite new relationship and being scared to speak your mind. It sounds horrible to me.

ilikemethewayiam · 01/07/2023 08:30

Any man who threw a temper tantrum that ended with me feeling intimidated into silence would be out door faster than a blink! Never tiptoe around another human being, especially in your own home. Just because it’s not physical doesn’t mean it’s not abuse. He’s an abuser. Bin him. Spend time on your own to grow self esteem and boundaries.

babbscrabbs · 01/07/2023 08:30

This is the real him. Or the beginnings of him anyway, I have a feeling if you stay he'll get worse.

You're scared to bring certain things up because he's so aggressive. He's childish, defensive and avoidant when you suggest trying to resolve things.

Hard no from me. Get rid.

Livinghappy · 01/07/2023 08:31

This is only going to get worse. Around 2 years you start to see the real person. He invalidates and can't take responsibility, really big red flags.

Were you married to a similar person? If so take time fo figure out why you are settling for toxic angry men.

reelcat · 01/07/2023 08:31

You need to prioritise your children. He will get worse.

Sworntofun · 01/07/2023 08:33

Bin him, not worth it. But I think you know this.

Brightbear · 01/07/2023 08:35

Ditch him!

VickyEadieofThigh · 01/07/2023 08:35

Sunshineandrainbow · 01/07/2023 07:59

Call it a day.
Your first priority is your children.

Exactly this.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 01/07/2023 08:39

“he has put me under pressure to behave a certain way with my children or with the divorce and he has a short fuse so whilst I’ve not felt physically threatened he definitely fights dirty verbally which I don’t agree with and I think his short fuse has in the past led to me not speaking up when things bother me.”

Knock it on the head. I don’t know what your marriage was like, but I think you could do with a bit of a break from men to reset.

bluebird3 · 01/07/2023 08:46

It shouldn't be this hard with someone you're just dating. I'd call it a day

Heronwatcher · 01/07/2023 08:49

Doesn’t sound like a keeper to me OP, not really because of the concert, more because it sounds to me like he doesn’t think anything’s wrong. You’re still divorcing their dad, give your kids a bit of time with just you.

SuffolkUnicorn · 01/07/2023 08:52

Why are you with him? He’s an abuser

notforonesecond · 01/07/2023 08:55

I can’t believe you’re even considering keeping this man around your children. Wake up.

Merryoldgoat · 01/07/2023 08:55

He’s trying to manipulate you into forgetting his poor behaviour by acting like he’s fine without you.

He has no respect for you and you’re seeing host the colours.

Definitely time to end things.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 01/07/2023 08:55

The bit that jumped out at me was this:

"I’ve felt that he has put me under pressure to behave a certain way with my children"

He has no right to pressure you into going against how you want to be with your children. He's not a keeper OP. The fact that you're questioning his behaviour on here is good. You know it's not right. Get rid of him. Your poor kids must be so confused and upset to have this angry man in their lives.

He uses anger to control you and your children. Pleas don't give your children this model of how to behave.

SuffolkUnicorn · 01/07/2023 08:56

I’ve just had to read your post again

he isn’t even the father of your children

you allow him to abuse you whilst your children are present he doesn’t care why on earth have you introduced him to your children then subject them to him giving you verbal?

who is more important? your children or that waster

theyarereallytakingthepissnow · 01/07/2023 08:57

Yes it is definitely time to call it a day, there is no doubt about that for your and most importantly for the kids' well-being. Hold your boundaries that his behaviour is not acceptable.

CurlewKate · 01/07/2023 08:59

Dump. Never take on a fixer-upper.

Newyearnewmeow · 01/07/2023 09:00

Yabu for putting up with that shit

EastCoastRye · 01/07/2023 09:00

No brainer. Ditch him and focus on your kids.

Rollonannualeave · 01/07/2023 09:02

God talk about out of the frying pan into the fire! Get out and stay single for a while! Your poor kids!

itsmylife7 · 01/07/2023 09:02

Why are you putting you and your children through this unnecessary drama ?

No, it's not normal to be arguing and him blaming you for his faults.
This is not a healthy relationship.

Let him go and focus on sorting your life out.

HungryandIknowit · 01/07/2023 09:02

Get rid. The concert is irrelevant.

Escapefromhell · 01/07/2023 09:04

He sounds like the type who believes that as a single mother, you are so desperate for a man that you will put up with all this crap and he can do what he likes. He is hoping that you believe that any relationship is better than no relationship.

Baldieheid · 01/07/2023 09:05

You want to walk on eggshells for the rest of your life?

No? Then part company with him.

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