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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it’s time to call it a day

150 replies

Nosierosi · 01/07/2023 07:54

I’m in a relationship just over a year and a half. I have two young children - currently divorcing their dad (nothing to do with current relationship)

First year was great, few arguments but that’s normal. The last 8 months theres been a lot of friction, I’ve felt that he has put me under pressure to behave a certain way with my children or with the divorce and he has a short fuse so whilst I’ve not felt physically threatened he definitely fights dirty verbally which I don’t agree with and I think his short fuse has in the past led to me not speaking up when things bother me.

last week we reached what I think is a crossroads. He blew up at me in front of the kids, he said a lot of hurtful things and I then told him to get out of the car and go home. Didn’t hear from him all weekend. Then I get a call with a no apology apology - “I’m sorry but I’ve been busy at work, DC was screaming, you were angry too” etc I said I needed some space to think about what he said. We spoke twice more where I explained that I didn’t feel heard and that his temper worried me, that there didn’t seem to be space in the relationship for me to challenge him, he never apologises and take responsibility etc I was met with defensiveness and attack ie I don’t listen to him and I don’t support him etc… I have taken some time away from speaking with him, although we have communicated each day this week, I know he finds this difficult and he has told me he feels rejected.

after a lot of thought I decided to suggest working at things but only if he was prepared to do some reflection and look inside himself as to why he reacts/behaves in the way he does. I am also prepared to do the same work. I asked if we could speak and he said he had a busy day and later would be better, totally fine. Then later that evening I message him asking him if he is done with work and he tells me he has gone to a concert with some friends.

am I being unreasonable to think that he should have either told me earlier or prioritised speaking to me.

or

i am not being unreasonable and this demonstrates how genuine he is at wanting to work things out.

OP posts:
Tinkerbyebye · 01/07/2023 10:15

It’s the end of the relationship. Get rid and move on

MysteryBelle · 01/07/2023 10:20

Call it a day. He will make you miserable. He’s not willing to change. You do not want to be married to someone with a short fuse.

millymog11 · 01/07/2023 10:22

There is always a litmus test.
What does he add to your life?
it doesnt sound like he adds much if anything to your life and he does not seem to care whether he adds to your life or not either.

MysteryBelle · 01/07/2023 10:22

He ran away to his buddies, Dump him.

Ellie56 · 01/07/2023 10:25

He is an abusive twat. Don't subject your kids to this. They deserve better and so do you.

AgnesX · 01/07/2023 10:31

Cut your losses, no relationship should be this hard work and not this early in.

billy1966 · 01/07/2023 10:33

I feel so sorry for your children.

Their mother not even divorced from their father and she has brought an abusive nasty arsehole into their lives.

How scary and confusing for them to be exposed to their mother being emotionally abused in front of them.

And you continue to be in contact trying to fix this?

Your poor poor children.

Your priorities are so messed up.

LuluBlakey1 · 01/07/2023 10:35

Walk away. Never look back or communicate with him again. He is awful and you will be very unhappy if you continue this relationship.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 01/07/2023 10:35

Bringing another man into the children’s lives before the divorce was complete was never going to be a good idea.

It sounds like you weren’t ready for a relationship at all, never mind to bring your children into it.

Get rid of this one OP, he’s not a good ‘un.

Then spend some time being single and focusing on yourself and your kids, so you’ve got boundaries in place of anyone does happen along in the future .

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 01/07/2023 10:36

Couldn’t vote as YABU to have been in this relationship but you might take a YABU vote as not to end it, which you definitely must.

WisherWood · 01/07/2023 10:47

First year was great, few arguments but that’s normal.

It isn't normal. I've been with my DP 5 years and we haven't argued. It's just not how we communicate. It's not that I'm afraid to argue - far from it. It's just that if either of us has a problem we talk to the other one about it and resolve it. Arguing isn't normal, especially not in the honeymoon period. I'm also quite shocked that you think your H spending thousands on sex workers is not great but not awful. To me, that's scraping the bottom of the barrel awful. It's not just crossing a line - it's leaping over it and accelerating .

I'm glad you've decided to end this OP but do spend time on your own figuring out why you accept such dreadful men.

ukgot2pot · 01/07/2023 11:03

He sounds like my ex. Trust me - this won't get better. End it.

Emotionalsupportviper · 01/07/2023 11:04

For heaven's sake! Why are you even asking - he's treating you badly in front of your children. You don't have to tolerate this sort of rubbish. Break it off now before your children are traumatised by him shouting and threatening you.

ImAOneWayMotorway · 01/07/2023 11:09

Only read the first paragraph, I only needed to to come to my conclusion. 18 months in, falling out, verbally aggressive etc etc and you have kids from a pervious relationship, just end it. Put your kids first.

lovescats3 · 01/07/2023 11:31

Run for the hills

3BSHKATS · 01/07/2023 11:35

He is single for a reason. Nobody would put up with that nobody.

Sunnymummy8 · 01/07/2023 11:35

I think you know what you need to do..
You can do it on your own, you have proven that before when you and you H spilt..

IMustDoMoreExercise · 01/07/2023 11:38

Please leave him. He will never change. Put your kids first.

samqueens · 01/07/2023 11:40

Read Lundy Bancroft book Why Does He Do That? (You can download on kindle app). It will be useful now and useful for future proofing yourself.

It doesn’t matter if he says he will work on this or not, you’ve seen what he is like and you say this tension has been going on 8 months already - if it’s like this now it suggests it won’t get better and that (whatever he might say) he is not actually capable of working on it. He blew up at you in front of your children, when he doesn’t live with you, isn’t their parent and you’ve only been together a short while… that’s not ok.

it is NOT you - it is him. He is a man child and cannot regulate his own emotions, will consistently create issues and then expect you to caretake him - you already have two children to worry about. This man will disconnect you from them and leave you with three dysfunctional relationships to manage not just one.

GET OUT NOW

huntingcunting · 01/07/2023 11:45

Good that you're going to end it.
He's got no intention of "reflecting" and "doing work on himself".

Tippexy · 01/07/2023 11:49

Sunshineandrainbow · 01/07/2023 07:59

Call it a day.
Your first priority is your children.

Breaking up with the next partner before you’ve even got divorced from the first. Your poor kids. Take a step back from dating and just make your kids a priority for a change.

Mirabai · 01/07/2023 11:49

The arguments in the first year were the red flags. The relationship shouldn’t have got this far.

You need to work on your desire to work on relationships with men with fundamentally unacceptable behaviour.

Channellingsophistication · 01/07/2023 11:57

I don’t think it should be this hard at early stages of relationship. I also dont think anyone would want an angry man who behaves in that way especially in front of DCs and tells you what to do…

The point of dating is to see whether someone is suitable… he isnt …

Original poster
Nosierosi · 01/07/2023 12:03

Thanks for the recommendations of books and things to look up. I’m all for working on myself and the original therapy I had was to avoid repeating the same patterns, sadly I think I’ve somehow ended up in a similar but also unfamiliar situation ie I’ve never really dealt with anger like this in any of my relationships to date.

OP posts:
MysteryBelle · 01/07/2023 12:09

WisherWood · 01/07/2023 10:47

First year was great, few arguments but that’s normal.

It isn't normal. I've been with my DP 5 years and we haven't argued. It's just not how we communicate. It's not that I'm afraid to argue - far from it. It's just that if either of us has a problem we talk to the other one about it and resolve it. Arguing isn't normal, especially not in the honeymoon period. I'm also quite shocked that you think your H spending thousands on sex workers is not great but not awful. To me, that's scraping the bottom of the barrel awful. It's not just crossing a line - it's leaping over it and accelerating .

I'm glad you've decided to end this OP but do spend time on your own figuring out why you accept such dreadful men.

Op, your h spent thousands on sex workers? And you didn’t think it was horrendous? I missed that info. Yes you seem to be in a pattern of picking losers. Raise your standards. Also agree that it is unusual to argue in the beginning of a relationship when it’s still in its first flush of romance. Granted I’ve had plenty of arguments with my dh but during dating and beginning, no.

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