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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it’s time to call it a day

150 replies

Nosierosi · 01/07/2023 07:54

I’m in a relationship just over a year and a half. I have two young children - currently divorcing their dad (nothing to do with current relationship)

First year was great, few arguments but that’s normal. The last 8 months theres been a lot of friction, I’ve felt that he has put me under pressure to behave a certain way with my children or with the divorce and he has a short fuse so whilst I’ve not felt physically threatened he definitely fights dirty verbally which I don’t agree with and I think his short fuse has in the past led to me not speaking up when things bother me.

last week we reached what I think is a crossroads. He blew up at me in front of the kids, he said a lot of hurtful things and I then told him to get out of the car and go home. Didn’t hear from him all weekend. Then I get a call with a no apology apology - “I’m sorry but I’ve been busy at work, DC was screaming, you were angry too” etc I said I needed some space to think about what he said. We spoke twice more where I explained that I didn’t feel heard and that his temper worried me, that there didn’t seem to be space in the relationship for me to challenge him, he never apologises and take responsibility etc I was met with defensiveness and attack ie I don’t listen to him and I don’t support him etc… I have taken some time away from speaking with him, although we have communicated each day this week, I know he finds this difficult and he has told me he feels rejected.

after a lot of thought I decided to suggest working at things but only if he was prepared to do some reflection and look inside himself as to why he reacts/behaves in the way he does. I am also prepared to do the same work. I asked if we could speak and he said he had a busy day and later would be better, totally fine. Then later that evening I message him asking him if he is done with work and he tells me he has gone to a concert with some friends.

am I being unreasonable to think that he should have either told me earlier or prioritised speaking to me.

or

i am not being unreasonable and this demonstrates how genuine he is at wanting to work things out.

OP posts:
lillysmom · 01/07/2023 12:10

Cut him loose. Your first priority is yourself because you need to be the best mom for your children, which means being a healthy person in a healthy relationship.

FeelingwearyFeeelingsmall · 01/07/2023 12:11

I'm not sure to vote but I am 100% sure there is no possibility of a happy long term future with this man.

Puppers · 01/07/2023 12:22

Didn't even read the whole OP. There was no need. This is not the kind of person you should be exposing your children to.

I hope you're serious about ditching him and don't get drawn back in. Your kids need a far higher level of safeguarding from you. You let this relationship go on for too long and they should never have been in the position to witness what they did. Be choosier about who you force into your children's lives.

Ep1cfail · 01/07/2023 12:25

This is as good as it gets. End the relationship. Personally, I think you'd be better off staying single and working in yourself. You've been through a lot and you need time to heal.

Seeingadistance · 01/07/2023 12:35

towriteyoumustlive · 01/07/2023 08:24

Put your kids first and end this toxic relationship.

There isn't anything to even think about.

This.

Be single and focus on your children.

mrsbyers · 01/07/2023 12:38

Do you want your kids going into relationships where this type of behaviour is accepted as the norm ? I doubt it - tell him
its over

OriginalUsername2 · 01/07/2023 12:49

He’s lost it in front of your kids. It should be over.

ButtonMoonBlanketSky · 01/07/2023 13:01

As a mum the wellbeing of our kids should be the most important thing. Get rid.

ButtonMoonBlanketSky · 01/07/2023 13:05

Just seen your update - good for you. Good luck with the future and, when the time is right, finding a partner that is worthy of you and your kids.

WisherWood · 01/07/2023 13:39

@MysteryBelle the OP said but he lied and manipulated me multiple times so he could get away with spending 10’s of thousands on speaking to sex workers and secret binge eating

I mean the binge eating he needed help with, but the sex workers - absolute line in the sand for me.

Justleaveitblankthen · 01/07/2023 15:04

TwoFluffyDogsOnMyBed · 01/07/2023 09:54

Why are you offering to do work when you haven’t done anything wrong?

I remember doing this, lying in bed reading ‘Treading on Eggshells’ or something like that. It was a book about how I should deal with someone with borderline personality disorder, who had a history of abuse and anger issues. I’m not sure what the fuck I was thinking… In fact I did manage to keep him calm but I was a nervous wreck!

It sounds like you have some work to do in recognising abuse. Have you read “Why does he do that?” By Lundy Bancroft? I would however do some more research on abuse and personality disorders (Dr Ramani on YouTube is good) because you’ll probably find that your partner doesn’t quite fit into any of the categories and won’t seem as bad so you’ll dismiss what you’re reading and doubt yourself. It’s harder when you’re younger and full of hormones I think. The good thing about menopause is that you don’t have any hormones attaching you to a man and you see things more clearly.

This is an excellent and very insightful post.

Quite correct about the Menopause 😂

uncomfortablydumb53 · 01/07/2023 23:28

You're trying too hard to sort things out with someone who doesn't care
Get rid of him You deserve better

Clarabell77 · 29/07/2023 19:47

I couldn’t even bring myself to vote because the question you’re asking is completely irrelevant - you shouldn’t be wanting this person anywhere near you or your kids, he sounds absolutely awful and the relationship sounds thoroughly toxic. You can talk it out as much as you like but it’s only going to get worse. Don’t put your poor kids through this.

Original poster
Nosierosi · 04/08/2023 20:31

Thanks to everyone who took the time to comment.
As a final update I ended the relationship that evening. Whilst I have felt sad and disappointed at how it all worked out I believe it was absolutely the right decision.

I read the book recommendation and have started learning much more about abusive behaviour.
My focus at the moment is the kids, finding myself again and getting the divorce finalised.

OP posts:
SuffolkUnicorn · 04/08/2023 21:06

Well done OP

CherryLipgloss · 04/08/2023 21:12

Onwards and upwards!

Ep1cfail · 04/08/2023 21:27

Nosierosi · 04/08/2023 20:31

Thanks to everyone who took the time to comment.
As a final update I ended the relationship that evening. Whilst I have felt sad and disappointed at how it all worked out I believe it was absolutely the right decision.

I read the book recommendation and have started learning much more about abusive behaviour.
My focus at the moment is the kids, finding myself again and getting the divorce finalised.

Good for you. I wish you and your kids all the future happiness.

samqueens · 04/08/2023 22:08

Well done OP. Focus on yourself and the children. Men might come and go but the relationship that is the most important for all of you will remain the one you have with yourself.

Always remember Maya Angelou’s wise words:

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”

PushmePull · 04/08/2023 23:34

thank you for updating OP. Well done. Wishing you happier times ahead.

SunshineSausage · 05/08/2023 08:28

He doesn't have any intention of working on his anger. He doesn't want to not behave this way. He uses his angry explosions to keep you all in line.

I would get out now.

SunshineSausage · 05/08/2023 08:29

Ah just RTFT - well done :)

cheddercherry · 05/08/2023 08:34

Get this guys out your lives. He’s now escalated to “blowing up” in front of your kids too. He’ll do it again and again. You’ve been together such a comparatively short time and he can’t even hold it together to apologise to you now.

cheddercherry · 05/08/2023 08:35

Just saw your update - good for you OP! I’m sure you feel a weight off already.

jeaux90 · 05/08/2023 08:44

Well done OP. I'm a lone parent and life is very peaceful.

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