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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it’s time to call it a day

150 replies

Nosierosi · 01/07/2023 07:54

I’m in a relationship just over a year and a half. I have two young children - currently divorcing their dad (nothing to do with current relationship)

First year was great, few arguments but that’s normal. The last 8 months theres been a lot of friction, I’ve felt that he has put me under pressure to behave a certain way with my children or with the divorce and he has a short fuse so whilst I’ve not felt physically threatened he definitely fights dirty verbally which I don’t agree with and I think his short fuse has in the past led to me not speaking up when things bother me.

last week we reached what I think is a crossroads. He blew up at me in front of the kids, he said a lot of hurtful things and I then told him to get out of the car and go home. Didn’t hear from him all weekend. Then I get a call with a no apology apology - “I’m sorry but I’ve been busy at work, DC was screaming, you were angry too” etc I said I needed some space to think about what he said. We spoke twice more where I explained that I didn’t feel heard and that his temper worried me, that there didn’t seem to be space in the relationship for me to challenge him, he never apologises and take responsibility etc I was met with defensiveness and attack ie I don’t listen to him and I don’t support him etc… I have taken some time away from speaking with him, although we have communicated each day this week, I know he finds this difficult and he has told me he feels rejected.

after a lot of thought I decided to suggest working at things but only if he was prepared to do some reflection and look inside himself as to why he reacts/behaves in the way he does. I am also prepared to do the same work. I asked if we could speak and he said he had a busy day and later would be better, totally fine. Then later that evening I message him asking him if he is done with work and he tells me he has gone to a concert with some friends.

am I being unreasonable to think that he should have either told me earlier or prioritised speaking to me.

or

i am not being unreasonable and this demonstrates how genuine he is at wanting to work things out.

OP posts:
HaveSomeIntrospect · 01/07/2023 09:06

He is toxic

Brumbies · 01/07/2023 09:09

"First year was great, few arguments but that’s normal."

Is it? I'm in my 2nd year of a new relationship and we've not had an argument yet!

3awesomestars · 01/07/2023 09:10

Leave him now while you can, this will escalate.
He has manipulated this situation so you are angry about the concert and have minimised the abuse. Protect your children, these are red flags and it can get harder to leave.
Ask the police for a Clare’s Law disclosure, there could be a possible history of domestic abuse . Do this in future if you have a new relationship it can take 12-18 months for new partners to show you who they really are.

FlamingMadKatie · 01/07/2023 09:10

He sounds bloody awful. If he's like this now what will he be like in five years time?

Very damaging for your kids. Don't engage in any further debates about who's right or wrong here. Set them a good example and finish this "relationship" immediately.

supersop60 · 01/07/2023 09:10

No no no.
At 18 months you should be madly in love, walking on air, and seeing the best of each other.
OP - if this is his best, what does the future hold?
Get him away from your children.

Tina221 · 01/07/2023 09:10

I agree with the pp who said he is a game player. He is causing you stress and doesn’t sound nice at all. For him to talk to you like that is appalling. Dump him. Your children deserve better and so do you x

RosesAndHellebores · 01/07/2023 09:11

@Nosierosi what resonated for me was "the first year was good, a few arguments, but that's normal". It isn't in a loving, functional relationship. It really isn't. You need to raise your bar.

His fuse went in front of your children. He's a boyfriend, not a long-term partner at the end of his rag, losing it once every five years probably due to a myriad of stresses.

It's sad you are even thinking of giving it a go and working to improve things. You can't polish a turd so don't try. Put your children first.

AhDad · 01/07/2023 09:12

Please stop wasting some of the most precious years of your children’s childhood being/fighting with this controlling waste of space.

Look into the freedom program and realise this is a very one sided relationship that you or your children are gaining very little from. Not only are they going through this divorce with you, they’re also going through a new toxic relationship with you also.

Original poster
Nosierosi · 01/07/2023 09:15

Thanks everyone for taking the time to respond.
I think I’ve known that it’s not been right for a while which is why I started to push back and hold more boundaries, challenge behaviour etc perhaps that’s why it’s started being more challenging - because he doesn’t like not feeling in control.

im going to call it a day and stop feeling guilty for it.

My marriage wasn’t like this it was generally quite calm and peaceful, although I was the adult and he behaved like a child letting me get on with running everything and holding down a job, it wasn’t great but it wasn’t awful, but he lied and manipulated me multiple times so he could get away with spending 10’s of thousands on speaking to sex workers and secret binge eating. I worked hard to save the marriage and ultimately that didn’t work. Because he did it again which was when I ended it.
I did have counselling and some therapy afterwards which I thought had helped. It probably has but I’ve still got more to do.

my main motivation is my kids, I left my husband because I didn’t want them thinking they had to put up with that behaviour and I have been thinking about that again this week… what am I saying to them if I let them think it’s ok to manage conflict like that with anyone, let alone someone who you love. I think that’s what led me to kick him out of the car, something I was in shock for days about and why I haven’t seen him when he has asked.

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 01/07/2023 09:18

Well done on not letting him move in with you within the first year, so much easier to get rid of.

LlynTegid · 01/07/2023 09:18

Glad to read of your decision. Wishing you well for the future.

Oblahbla · 01/07/2023 09:19

'after a lot of thought I decided to suggest working at things but only if he was prepared to do some reflection and look inside himself as to why he reacts/behaves in the way he does. I am also prepared to do the same work'

This is the kind of conversation you have if you're trying to save a long term marriage that's been good for the first 20 years but changed over the last couple.

It's not the kind of conversation you have to try and save a relationship of 18 months standing.

just bin him off - the red flags are there, he's making you (and will do the same to your kids) walk on eggshells round him. Don't even try and save it, do yourself a favour and dump him now.

lizzielizard · 01/07/2023 09:19

He sounds horrible. End it now - for you and your DCs sake. And perhaps get your divorce out of the way and have a bit of time alone b4 you go down the dating road again.

Oblahbla · 01/07/2023 09:20

Read your update - absolutely the right decision.

lizzielizard · 01/07/2023 09:21

Well done OP - just read your decision.

AhDad · 01/07/2023 09:21

I beg to differ op, I think the therapy has helped a lot because you’ve been doubting the relationship instead of yourself which is something a lot women struggle to do in toxic/abusive relationships. I really do recommend the freedom program for an extra step ahead.

Stay strong for you and those babies 💜

Qbish · 01/07/2023 09:24

I don't often say this, but - LTB.

Qbish · 01/07/2023 09:25

Oh wait, I see that you already have. Well done OP!

Crikeyisthatthetime · 01/07/2023 09:25

Well done on your decision OP. I think a pp is right suggesting you spend some time just you and the kids, you all need some time just being your little family, rediscovering what that's like, and how it's supposed to feel. You will feel much stronger to deal with whatever the next stage of your lives will bring.

Tina221 · 01/07/2023 09:26

I just read your decision op, wishing you the best of luck x

MumLass · 01/07/2023 09:27

Nosierosi · 01/07/2023 09:15

Thanks everyone for taking the time to respond.
I think I’ve known that it’s not been right for a while which is why I started to push back and hold more boundaries, challenge behaviour etc perhaps that’s why it’s started being more challenging - because he doesn’t like not feeling in control.

im going to call it a day and stop feeling guilty for it.

My marriage wasn’t like this it was generally quite calm and peaceful, although I was the adult and he behaved like a child letting me get on with running everything and holding down a job, it wasn’t great but it wasn’t awful, but he lied and manipulated me multiple times so he could get away with spending 10’s of thousands on speaking to sex workers and secret binge eating. I worked hard to save the marriage and ultimately that didn’t work. Because he did it again which was when I ended it.
I did have counselling and some therapy afterwards which I thought had helped. It probably has but I’ve still got more to do.

my main motivation is my kids, I left my husband because I didn’t want them thinking they had to put up with that behaviour and I have been thinking about that again this week… what am I saying to them if I let them think it’s ok to manage conflict like that with anyone, let alone someone who you love. I think that’s what led me to kick him out of the car, something I was in shock for days about and why I haven’t seen him when he has asked.

OP, read your post again. Your ex H spent 1000s on sex workers. You class that marriage as 'not great, but not awful'. I'm very glad you have decided to walk away from your current partner. I think you really should work on yourself, your self esteem and your boundaries for a while.
I say this as someone in a similar situation, having separated from my emotionally abusive and similarly perverted exH.

Ejismyf · 01/07/2023 09:27

It blows my mind you'd even consider staying in such a short relationship which is so toxic and your children are wwitnessing. We as parents should be modelling healthy, happy relationships to our children that we'd want them to replicate when older and this isn't it.

lousyatchoosingnames · 01/07/2023 09:28

End this relationship, it will only get worse

orangeflags · 01/07/2023 09:31

Once I read the words 'short fuse' I stopped reading. Bin

Quiettiger · 01/07/2023 09:31

Why are you even entertaining pandering to this ridiculous, temperamental, disrespectful man child? Bin him and get rid. It shouldn't be this hard. He's showing you who he is. It's not you, it's him. You deserve far more.