DS proposing at 18

[burndelight]

My eldest DS is 18 (January Birthday) he has just finished his A-Levels, sensible kid usually. He's been with a girl for nearly two years, she is the daughter of our close family friends, they grew up together effectively, my DH went to school with her dad, she turned 18 in April, also just finished her A-Levels.
They are very very close, we live an hour from her, they have never gone to the same school etc. but at every opportunity he drives to either pick her up and bring her to ours or he is staying at hers, the rule was they couldn't see one and other Monday-Thursday during school, but we didn't regulate weekends/ Now their exams are over they are together more than ever, their friend groups seem to have merged, there is now about 7 of them and they all like to hang out together, so when I say to him why not just see your friends this weekend, he tells me they are her friends too.
They are going to Uni in the same city but different unis next year and have decided they want to live together.
Today DS took me and his dad for lunch, he has never done this before so I was naturally quite worried. He told me that when they go on holiday together next month he is going to propose, he told us he is telling us now as he is going to speak to her parents about it once she goes off to her prom tonight and doesn't want us to find out from them rather than him.
I'm shocked to put it lightly he is only 18!! He told me doesn't think they will get married while at uni but would like to show her that he wants to and fully intends to spend the rest of his life with her.
I didn't know what to say, so I said I thought it was a bad idea but I would stand by him no matter what.
AIBU to think he has actually lost his mind?

You can't do much about the engagement but I would strongly recommend they live separately for at least the first year of Uni. It's a time of independence and experimentation, maturing and being silly, finding new friends - a strong connection will survive all that and a childhood romance may or may not. I would wish for them both to live a bit before settling down but you can't say or do much about it.

I agree - it all seems a bit fairytale/romantic movie. Obviously pull him up on the blatant sexism, as that is wrong, but apart from that I think you have to let it play itself out, one way or another.

An engagement isn’t really a commitment when marriage is years away, it doesn’t mean anything. They may stay together, they may not. Leave them to it unless they suddenly decide they’re getting married soon, then I’d be more concerned as they’re so young.

Someone in my son's year did his. He's now living with his boyfriend.

Think this depends on relative maturity of couple at play. Heaps of people on the thread saying they met their now husbands very young and are still together.

Offering a different perspective, my husband and I met at 30 and 31 and married at 34 and 35. I think we’d both say we’ve matured hugely since we were late teens - almost to extent we’re completely different people.

I’d be interested to know what stats say about success of relationships between people who first meet in their late teens and who then go on to different universities.

He's spoken to his own parents, why shouldn't he also speak to hers? It's not about a father's "permission", these days people talk to both parents and ask for their blessing. Plenty of threads on here that illustrate how being on good terms with one's in-laws is a good thing.

This is so sweet. It's just an engagement. It's not a contract written in blood.

DH and I have been together since we were 18, we knew we were going to be married from within the first year of our relationship.
We went to university opposite ends of the UK, then he proposed aged 22 after his first couple of months in a graduate job, just as we moved in together in a flat share with friends. We married a few weeks after I graduated medical school. Never had a hiccup so far, we’ve been together 15 years, 2 kids.
He sounds really sensible, and isn’t rushing down the aisle - I would be supportive if he has decided to propose, it will either work out or otherwise it will hopefully make it easier for him to turn to you for support if they break up.

With all the people saying they got married v young and are still together etc, it should be borne in mind that kids are very different now. More mature and knowledegeable in some ways but much less so in others. Either way, i don't see that this particular lad is doing anything wrong. As to whether it will last, who knows...

People who say oh they’re 18, they’re adults … technically yes, but whose income is taken into account for student support loan purposes? Who’s paying the rent on student halls? Where do they live in the holidays if they don’t have 52-week rentals?

They are young adults who still have lots of growing up to do. Tbh sweet though it sounds, it’s more a sign of immaturity to want to be engaged when you’ve got no resource, income, housing sorted etc and no ability to do so for at least 3 years. It feels like kids playing at being grown up - and she in particular regret being tied down so publicly and so soon rather than having the opportunity to start uni as her own person rather than one half of a couple. What’s the rush?

Not much you can do.

I would be so disappointed if this was either of my kids age 19 and 20. I want them to be free at university without a serious commitment. I like them having flatmates, friends, travelling etc without a serious relationship to affect their lives.

I don’t know any teen age 18 even close to proposing.

But just calmly support him and see what happens.

So only the independently wealthy can decide to marry young?

It doesn't really mean anything, let them crack on. DH was 18 when we met and we lived together for the last year of uni. We got engaged at 22. We are 38 now!

So, they are going off to uni in the same city and want to live together.
I think the living together will be the bit that will make them or break them.
It can go either way.
Yes, he is young, but there are no rules in love!
Let's see what she says. It may be a shock to her. I know I would not expect a proposal at that point!

I'm another one saying it's not the big scary thing you think. It's another level of commitment when they might feel a bit insecure about meeting a lot of new people and moving onto a new stage in their lives.

I got engaged at 17, just before uni, DH and I got married on our 10 year anniversary, 5 years after university, but it made both of us feel safer in our relationship while at university. We weren't the only engaged or committed couple either, 50% of which also went on to get married after university.

I got an engaged to my husband when I was 18. We had known each other 6 months. We are celebrating our 15th wedding anniversary next week and have been a couple for 20 years. There is hope I promise, when you know you know.

A man asking another man’s permission to marry his daughter is gross.

Even just informing the parents before proposing to a girl is disrespectful to her. Why the hell should her parents know before her? He shouldn’t sneak over to their house whilst she is at prom to give them the heads up. Treat her like an equal if he wants to propose.

I would actually be perturbed that he's speaking to her parents about it without her being present. Do you know if she even knows about it, or is it going to be a surprise for her on holiday? If that's the case, let's hope it doesn't backfire on him. Does he feel he needs the world to know she's "his" before they go off to uni. My take on it is coloured by a very similar situation (begining at age 17 - both of us) where the young man turned into a control freak as soon as we actually got to uni and ruined the next 7 years of my life. I would be very worried that he feels the need to go behind her back and get her parents on side.

Tone fair Dh and I never did uni....

However,
we met at 14, were on the off, then on then off, but this year we've been together 31 years, 2kids who'll be 25 and 22 in September, and married 21 years, so yes it can work!!

I would think less of a boy who asked my husband’s permission to marry our daughter. I cannot believe people think is a respectful thing to do. Yuk.

Ohhh it’s all going to go tits up when he asks her dad for his daughters hand and gets told to fuck off 🤣

I hope the ring he buys is cheap. I’d bet money they won’t last through uni. And yep, it’s bonkers!

I teach A level so I know a lot of eighteen-year-old girls and I can honestly say that I think they would all be horrified to receive a proposal right now, even from a serious boyfriend whom they love very much. With that in mind whilst I wouldn’t attempt to meddle in any way I would very very gently encourage DS to consider the possibility that she might say no, even if she loves him.

That’s so sad and I’d be devastated if my DD got engaged at 18.

But teens will often do the opposite of what their parents say so if tell him that you think it’s too early and if she says no it might damage the relationship/cause issues with her family etc.
But say whatever he decides you’ll fully support and just secretly hope that he changes his mind.

Sorry that didn’t make sense - I would talk to him about how she might say no and it ruin the relationship or that you think it would be better to wait but I don’t think you should say what an awful idea it is outright, as that might make him do it more.

What an idiot he is.

I would just focus on the idea that if things are going well then why is he trying to change it.

I just think there’s absolutely no need to get engaged at that age. It doesn’t prove commitment, or anything really.

And I say this as someone who has been with DH since I was 18 and at Uni and we’re still together 24 years later with a pre-school aged child.