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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

she should used the shower before i come back

445 replies

RobynsMama · 30/06/2023 12:14

lighthearted, mostly 😂

i’m on holiday with some friends from work, first time we’ve ever been away together but we have done nights away.

I’m sharing a room with one person who doesn’t really like sunbathing or being by the pool. Fair enough we’re all quite chill and have been doing our own thing and then meeting up in the evening for dinner/drinks.

She goes back up to the room usually about 1pm to read and chill out whereas I’ll stay by the pool til it gets too chilly probably about half 6/7. We always make a plan for dinner in the group chat and the. I always put a message saying what time I expect to be back at the room because obviously will have to shower and get ready. Every day this week she’s been in the room for 6/7 hours alone and only gone in the shower when i’ve come back from the pool (it’s like she waits for me to get back then runs in there) and she takes forever meaning I have to then rush. I got fed up of this and asked when she was leaving after lunch if i could use the shower at 6 yesterday and she agreed, but when i got back to the room (at 6) she was in the shower! and took a good 45 minutes for i had to rush again.

aibu to think it’s a bit selfish if you’re in the room all day to wait to use the shower until the person you’re sharing with gets back from the pool, making them rush to get ready?

OP posts:
wutheringkites · 02/07/2023 12:45

Ginola2345 · 02/07/2023 03:28

You sound incompatible and both sound awkward TBF.

Agree with another poster she is having a silent protest and probably resents you sitting out in the sun until the last minute then expecting a shower slot and having to work around you. Come up earlier then you don’t have to rush and it wouldn’t be such an issue.

How did you get this impression from op's posts?

I can't figure out if this is poor reading comprehension or just a dogged insistence that every op must be 'wrong' in some way.

ThatFraggle · 02/07/2023 13:06

wutheringkites · 02/07/2023 12:45

How did you get this impression from op's posts?

I can't figure out if this is poor reading comprehension or just a dogged insistence that every op must be 'wrong' in some way.

Show quote history

Ginola is Showerzilla 😂

captainmarvella · 02/07/2023 13:29

Elfblossom · 02/07/2023 09:06

To add a different perspective ... I can put myself in this situation and understand that you're put out but, I can more easily put myself in your colleague/friends position.

I'm not a sun worshipper but I'd want to enjoy a holiday with my friends. So I'd be happy relaxing on the balcony too.

I have ADHD, didn't realise until well into my 40's but it certainly explains a lot that I wish I'd known earlier.

In your situation, I'd be totally lost in my book and ... as soon as I heard the door beep, I'd be thinking 'shit, shit, shit! OP is back from the pool! That means I should be getting ready for dinner!' ...

Then I'd be in the shower ... with no concept of time - Time Blindness is a huge part of ADHD for many.

Secondly, ADHD brings with it sensory issues and I cannot stand stepping onto a cold wet soggy bathmat after it's already been used! So, I too like to have 'first shower' (though admittedly, I am the fasted showerer in my family 😆).

If your roommate isn't someone who you genuinely think is being intentionly a C* to upset you on purpose then, this is likely a similar situation. Just people who don't know the ins & outs of eachother & not being able to communicate openly.

I know it's MN & what it's like here but I'm still always surprised in this kind of thread at the immediate judgment and no critical thinking or empathy or desire to find out 'why' something rather than just writing everyone off as a CF.

I have both ADHD and OCD. I'd never ever think of making my roommate wait every day for 45 min, when she has already told me that she would be back at a certain time. That's just being an a-hole. No, since I already know I tend to daydream and lose track of time, I would set reminders on my app or whatever to make sure I take my shower in the afternoon or any time before OP came on. I am sick of neurodivergence being given as an excuse for being an a-hole.

AliceMcK · 02/07/2023 13:31

Jemandthehologramsunite · 02/07/2023 02:27

Can I ask why you didn't all just pay for your own rooms? Just curious, I would prefer to pay more as I like to have my own toilet

Show quote history

Was an airb&b, I’d have preferred a hotel but I didn’t organise it and went with the flow.

captainmarvella · 02/07/2023 13:45

@Elfblossom
"In your situation, I'd be totally lost in my book and ... as soon as I heard the door beep, I'd be thinking 'shit, shit, shit! OP is back from the pool! That means I should be getting ready for dinner!'"

OP takes a 10 min shower. I take a 45 min one. I also need a new bathmat. No problem. I call reception and get an extra clean mat every day. And when my room mate comes in, I smile, exchange brief hellos and then I relax longer on the balcony, read a few more pages and wait for 10 min, before taking my leisurely 45 min shower.

Don't you think it's odd for anyone to run into the bathroom like a ninja THE SECOND they hear their room mate opening the room's door? Or getting snippy when she came earlier to have her shower? That's ADD too? Right.

RampantIvy · 02/07/2023 14:04

I am sick of neurodivergence being given as an excuse for being an a-hole.

And it does no favours for genuinely ND people who then all get tarred with the same brush.

Emotionalsupportviper · 02/07/2023 14:29

MykonosMaiden · 02/07/2023 09:07

No, there isn't ALWAYS another side. Some people are just CF's.
As a neurodiverse person I'm sooo tired of people using disabilities/conditions/whatever as an excuse for everything.
And someone having a disability doesn't preclude them being an entitled arsehole. The two are not mutually exclusive.

Show quote history

Thank you for saying this. My DD is autistic and she is the most considerate person I can think of.

She knows she finds people and situations hard to read, so bends over backwards to try not to upset anyone. She might have accidentally dived into the bathroom the first once or twice, but them moment the OP said she'd be back for a shower at six, she would have made sure that she was showered and not in the way before then.

This woman is just an arse.

jeaux90 · 02/07/2023 15:52

@RobynsMama honestly I would have told her she was being a dick. You are both paying for the room and to stop being silly.

Bootskates · 02/07/2023 16:30

I'd ask one of other group members if you can shower in their room and get ready with them. You shouldn't have to but there would be a better atmosphere. Bonus points if she feels left out with her being on her own with her dry bath mat and you guys are all together.

I wouldn't normally encourage leaving people out but she has behaved horribly and made you feel uncomfortable in the room you have paid for too.

Wenfy · 02/07/2023 16:48

RobynsMama · 01/07/2023 20:25

update time! (and i honestly cannot believe she’s acting like this because she seems absolutely normal at work and has been the few times we’ve had nights away)

i went up for a shower today mid afternoon while she was still having after lunch drinks (just to see what would happen, and i know i should’ve just handled it like an adult but honestly i was dying to know what her reaction would be)

and when i came out she was in the room😂😂😂 she’d obviously realised i’d gone (i’d said to one of the other girls that i’d fancied an early shower and chill. she actually looked pissed off at me, grilled me about how many towels i’d used?! id used two, we get one big and one small towel each, and ofc the bath mat. she was annoyed about the bath mat and called reception for another one.

finally i just had to ask her what the problem was and she just huffed “isn’t it obvious that i prefer to use the shower first i wish you’d said you were coming up for a shower?” 😂😂

and i said it had slowly become more obvious as the week had gone on but because she hadn’t actually had a conversation with me how was i to know. it’s been a bit frosty ever since and i’ve still got two more days left of this holiday 😫

Tell the others. This is bat shit behaviour. She shouldn’t be invited again - it’s not fair on anyone.

Wenfy · 02/07/2023 16:49

Emotionalsupportviper · 02/07/2023 14:29

Thank you for saying this. My DD is autistic and she is the most considerate person I can think of.

She knows she finds people and situations hard to read, so bends over backwards to try not to upset anyone. She might have accidentally dived into the bathroom the first once or twice, but them moment the OP said she'd be back for a shower at six, she would have made sure that she was showered and not in the way before then.

This woman is just an arse.

Show quote history

Exactly my DD and every person I know with ASD would do this. This woman is just a cunty fucker

Elfblossom · 02/07/2023 17:15

I didn't say 'maybe she's neurodivergent' - I said 'I am' and this is how I can empathise with both parties...

Being ND isn't 'an excuse' in any situation but acknowledging it can be an avenue to understanding why someone behaves in a way that you don't feel is what you would do.

And for the 'my so and so is ND & SO considerate' people - yeah maybe they are, but they're also maybe pushed into people pleasing through fear ... ND people are allowed to be multifaceted... bizarre right!

The main point I'd make is that communication - where you feel able to be honest without fearing judgment or reprisal and compromise is the better option but I know most Mumsnetters prefer the stab them in the back or shit in their handbag route :)

Elfblossom · 02/07/2023 17:21

You don't understand how ADHD/ADD works ... if only setting alarms were the answer.

But, yes maybe I could and would, If I remembered to. I might also forget to, i might snooze it once it did go off and think 'I'll just finish this page/chapter' ...

They're both 'on holiday' and should be able to spend it how they like... I'd honestly just never share a room with anyone who's not family or very close friend though. That would solve the problem wouldn't it 😆

MeridianB · 02/07/2023 17:22

She sounds like a really juvenile PITA!

All she needed to say at the start was “Really happy to be sharing a room with you, @RobynsMama and I wanted to let you know I have this thing about sharing bathrooms, so would it be possible to handle it this way xxx blah blah”

It’s so simple. But she chose to handle it really weirdly and I’m not surprised there’s now an atmosphere. YADNBU!

Elfblossom · 02/07/2023 17:25

Alarms are not the miracle cure for ADHD/ADD ...

Honestly, we're all here at the mercy of 'maybes' aren't we?

Maybe OP is a CF and shower hogger is sick of her getting hammered every night, leaving her dirty knickers all over the place and farting up a storm.

Maybe if we heard SH's side of the story we might feel sorry for them.

Hey ho

DrSbaitso · 02/07/2023 17:29

Elfblossom · 02/07/2023 17:25

Alarms are not the miracle cure for ADHD/ADD ...

Honestly, we're all here at the mercy of 'maybes' aren't we?

Maybe OP is a CF and shower hogger is sick of her getting hammered every night, leaving her dirty knickers all over the place and farting up a storm.

Maybe if we heard SH's side of the story we might feel sorry for them.

Hey ho

Why would an alarm not jolt you out of your book and remind you to get in the shower?

Would it work if you were trying to get ready and be on time for a hot date?

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/07/2023 17:31

Elfblossom · 02/07/2023 17:25

Alarms are not the miracle cure for ADHD/ADD ...

Honestly, we're all here at the mercy of 'maybes' aren't we?

Maybe OP is a CF and shower hogger is sick of her getting hammered every night, leaving her dirty knickers all over the place and farting up a storm.

Maybe if we heard SH's side of the story we might feel sorry for them.

Hey ho

As I say to DD, ADHD is a reason, not an excuse. We just have to work harder on solutions than everyone else.

DrSbaitso · 02/07/2023 17:46

If the bleep of the door is enough to send Showerzilla away from her book and into the bathroom as fast as lightning, why wouldn't an alarm work?

Quiverer · 02/07/2023 17:59

Ginola2345 · 02/07/2023 03:28

You sound incompatible and both sound awkward TBF.

Agree with another poster she is having a silent protest and probably resents you sitting out in the sun until the last minute then expecting a shower slot and having to work around you. Come up earlier then you don’t have to rush and it wouldn’t be such an issue.

If that is the explanation, how do you account for the fact that she still runs into the shower if OP turns up at 5, which is anything but the last minute?

And coming up at 6, an hour before dinner hardly equates to having to rush.

angelfacecuti75 · 02/07/2023 18:19

Come back earlier amd say "can i have a shower before you ...not being rude but you take a ling time and i only need 10 mins and you take 45 min...it makes more sense for me to go in first then you can take longer...thanks"

DrSbaitso · 02/07/2023 18:37

angelfacecuti75 · 02/07/2023 18:19

Come back earlier amd say "can i have a shower before you ...not being rude but you take a ling time and i only need 10 mins and you take 45 min...it makes more sense for me to go in first then you can take longer...thanks"

She won't get the chance to ask. Showerzilla will shoot into the bathroom as soon as she hears OP returning.

Jeannie88 · 02/07/2023 18:51

Going on holiday to stay in room all day every day? Yanbu, she should shower earlier, also annoys me even people take so long, I'm in, scrub, out! X

Chiccaletta · 02/07/2023 19:19

Hang in there! But this is hilarious, I'm waiting for an update for next 2x days of shower/bath mat drama!

JGRAN · 02/07/2023 20:56

I go on holiday to relax and have fun, my brother pulls this shit, I don't go on holiday with him

Cantbebotheredwithausername · 02/07/2023 20:56

Even if she does have a bad case of OCD you actually made sure she could've easily had it her way be letting her know in advance when you'd like to shower. When you told her you'd like a shower at 6pm, she could've had her shower at 5pm. Thus getting the first shower with the clean mats and towels and plenty of time to herself, and she wouldn't even need to reveal yøher preference or difficulties. Her reasoning makes no sense, other than being possessive and manipulative.