To not get out of bed just to say bye.

[LadyDane]

I work shifts, never full night's but early & lates and when I'm on a late I may not get in until 10:30/11pm, then I need to eat, wash and wind down so I can often not be in bed until gone midnight.

My husband tends to leave for work around 7:30am.

He has an older son who stays with us a week on week off. He is 11 and has been walking to school since the start of the year.

Me and DH can't seem to agree on this. DH ensures SS's alarm is set in the evening and he knows to make some cereal and brush teeth and what time he needs to leave but he's always mithering me to get up and 'see him off, say good morning, good bye, doesn't want him getting up to an empty house all the time'.

There is no choice when I'm on earlies as I leave before DH anyway so there is literally no one else in when SS gets up but DH expects me to get up when I've been on lates just to do this. I don't think it's necessary and if he's that bothered he should go into work late.

AIBU not to get up early after working late just to say goodbye?

I think it's more that, if the dad doesn't bother, then why should the stepmum do it for him?

Sorry that was to @Panama2

I absolutely agree with this.

No you need your sleep , if you keep waking up to see him off you won’t be able to go back to sleep again !

His daughter...

I know. So are you saying it would be fine for the Dad to sleep, or you'd also expect the Dad to get up?

Kids don't always need both parents in the morning.

I think I'd feel a bit sad if I knew my 11 yo DS (also y 6) was not seeing anyone in the mornings before school when at his Dads. Maybe if it's just the odd morning. Having said that, I wouldn't expect his step mum to get out of bed to do it and it sounds like you've done a lot in the past.

What does DSS think? I assume you do see him off etc on the 2 week days you're not working. I think this is something for DH to sort given he's the one with an issue with it or to compromise on. What time should he start work and how long is his commute? I think given it's just every other week when you have DSS, DH needs to leave later for work maybe at least 1/2 days so that DSS then gets 3/4 days per week of being seen off to school and just 1/2 days per week of seeing himself off. Having said all that, it is really great that he's learning the responsibility of not relying on others to get him up and sorted so there is an upside to him seeing himself off. If he actually quite likes being grown up and doing this, then I'd leave things as they are.

They definitely need one though. The thing is if you don’t give your child attention and value them somebody else out there will and they might not be somebody else with your child’s best intentions at heart.

I think its a bit mean to be honest. You can go back to bed afterwards. It isn't the child's fault his parents are living apart. Everyone needs to do the best they can for him. I was a child age 11 who got myself up and out every morning. It was lonely. If you can even see him off every second week, its better than nothing. His Dad could also make an effort to start late on the week you start work early.

I absolutely knew this was going to be about a step child from just the title - they're the only people anyone gets this precious about. Of course you shouldn't have to get up just to say goodbye, he's being ridiculous. Ignore him and get some bloody rest.

Fucking hell, please raise your bar higher for men. Why would he struggle to get himself and a preschooler ready on a morning? Like countless women do every morning. Are you that unused to seeing men parent that you assume he will be struggling? You won't answer, you'll just tie yourself in knots to tell OP she should be doing more. If my OH finishes work at 5/6pm and I'm not finishing till 10pm then the next morning is for him to sort. Which he does with no fuss and threatens the kids with blood and thunder not to wake me. I also like to wind down after work just like he does in the evening before going to bed. Why would he 'struggle' to do basic parenting tasks that mums up and down the country do with multiple children?

Just tell DH that you'll get up with DSS if you can have one of the weekend lie ins. I'm guessing DH will start back tracking at that point!

I think two questions are getting muddled up here- whether someone should see DSS in the mornings and whether it’s ok for the husband to demand OP does it. To the first, I think the answer is yes- 11 is not too young to do the practical parts of getting up and getting breakfast etc but it’s young not to have a friendly face and a bit of support. That could be OP if she were willing to do it but she isn’t. To the second, no your husband can’t demand you get up. So he needs to make other arrangements.

FWIW in OP’s situation I would get up but that’s personal choice. I wouldn’t marry a man with kids unless I was willing to be involved to a fairly significant extent. Other people feel differently and that’s fine, up to them.

Honestly you've done nothing wrong. There's no need to wake up early, just to say morning & goodbye to ss. He's independent now and sees to himself in the mornings. He's fine.

There are a lot of moms on here who post wanting help from their husbands. Do you post about how pathetic they are for struggling with basic parenting?

He solo parents for 72 hour stretches, he does all the mornings where he is managing kids plus getting ready for work on his own.

Moms and dads so manage on their own but when there is another parent home and available but they are sleeping in, that is going to grind the gears of most parents who are the ones getting up and getting kids ready while they get themselves ready.

Do you really think a woman posting about her mornings while her husband sleeps because he works until 10 so needs to be absolved of all morning help - even though she has been alone with the kids for 2-3 days straight would be told to shut up and deal and how can she possibly struggle with basic parenting and to let him sleep?

Is that really a position you want to take - that a woman who posts about needing help is a pathetic excuse and she should be able to cope on her own with her kids without needing any help from her spouse?

My reply was specifically to the PP saying about OP not seeing her daughter in the mornings.

I agree that kids need one parent - although I have no strong feelings either way about an 11yo getting themselves ready. If it was my child I probably would like to say goodbye to them before they left if they'd not seen anyone else that morning. But if the Dad feels that strongly about it he can make changes to see his child those mornings.

You were doing a stable shift pattern though so your body got habituated. Nothing like the horrendous early to late to early again rotating shifts OP is talking about - that's widely acknowledged to be really detrimental.

I think if you are treating both the same and ss is happy with it tgen it's fine

You get home at half 10/11! It’s hard the middle of the night. You are a FAMILY! Get up and stay in your pjs and then go back to bed

so you could return the favour? Then go back to bed?

Getting to bed at midnight and then waking at 7 am is adequate sleep so I’d personally say YABU for not getting up in the morning, it’s a bit lazy…

So he's parenting alone for a72 hour stretch, who's doing the rest of the hours? Women who post on here asking if they are unreasonable to ask for 'help' from their husbands tend to be doing everything alone. As you well know. Me and my OH muck in together. When I finish late, he does the next morning. I cant even remember discussing it, its just what you do isn't it? Take over from each other. I thank the lord I'm in a partnership where we just crack on and the man I'm with is a fully capable adult. So this man has to do things alone for 72 hours... OP's doing the other days. What is your point?

Are you aware that people require different levels of sleep, and are you always this judgmental about it?

Of course the OP can go back to bed, @Scalottia- and maybe you should try being a bit more polite.

@Freefall212 totaly this !!!

what about 12.5 hr shifts a few in a row and/or childcare first thing .
Her husband works too and does the morning routine but physically can’t be there for his own son it’s team work she should step in /step up.
Jeeze nearly 8 hrs sleep and it’s not enough before going off to do a 6 hrs shift by sounds of it . Wow