To not get out of bed just to say bye.

[LadyDane]

I work shifts, never full night's but early & lates and when I'm on a late I may not get in until 10:30/11pm, then I need to eat, wash and wind down so I can often not be in bed until gone midnight.

My husband tends to leave for work around 7:30am.

He has an older son who stays with us a week on week off. He is 11 and has been walking to school since the start of the year.

Me and DH can't seem to agree on this. DH ensures SS's alarm is set in the evening and he knows to make some cereal and brush teeth and what time he needs to leave but he's always mithering me to get up and 'see him off, say good morning, good bye, doesn't want him getting up to an empty house all the time'.

There is no choice when I'm on earlies as I leave before DH anyway so there is literally no one else in when SS gets up but DH expects me to get up when I've been on lates just to do this. I don't think it's necessary and if he's that bothered he should go into work late.

AIBU not to get up early after working late just to say goodbye?

@mrsm43s do you or have you worked until 10pm at night ? I haven't but I know if Ive been out until that time it's impossible to go to sleep straight away, I need a bit of wind down time.

If the DH is struggling with his DD in the morning then fair enough to ask OP to get up sometimes if she can, but to pour out the cornflakes for an 11 year old who probably doesn't want her to do it, absolutely not.

My 20yo started a new job this morning. I didn't need to, he didn't ask me to, he wouldn't have noticed if I didn't, but I still got up to see him off and wish him well.

In the moment, today, it would be fine either way, he's certainly not going to starve because no-one made him breakfast, but the things that show someone they're cared about make a huge difference to self esteem and wellbeing over the long term.

Come on OP you need to tell him to stop doing this or he stops getting HIS lie in on a weekend. It's not fair. Remind him every evening not to wake you in the morning and that he needs to get ss up before he leaves for work. You take full responsibility for both kids on 'your' days. He should on his.

I'm still not sure why you can't get up for a while with your stepson, and then go back to bed, @LadyDane?

I love all the “he’s not your son” arguments, if this was a man not doing the same for a step child it would be uproar, LTB, he signed up for it, blah blah.

FWIW if I’m WFH when my DS (he’s 11) walks to school by himself I have to open the window to shout bye as he doesn’t bother most of the time 😂

If I get up then I'm up and gain no benefit from going back to bed.
OP has said she is actually asleep when her DH wakes her up, so is breaking a natural sleep cadence.

Yes, I used to do a couple of evening shifts in a pub alongside my day job. I'd finish at 11.30, go home, go straight to bed, get up as normal in the morning and go to work. No drama. I guess I was a bit more tired, but then, unlike OP, I was doing 2 jobs, and the evening job was extra.

OP finishes work at 10pm at night, then chooses to stay up. She leaves dealing with her DD in the morning to her DH on every single day except those where she has the full day off. He's doing far more than his fair share of the mornings. He does then when she's on earlies - she should be doing them when she's on lates. And the weekend lie ins should be shared equally - one each.

I really would be livid if my DH finished work at 10, and thought that meant he could lay in whilst I was getting a preschooler up, dressed and fed alongside getting myself up and ready for work. The DSS element is a red herring IMO, it's the fact that she's not getting up and sharing the morning load with her own DD that's the problem - I can see why her DH is resentful.

My dsd (7) gets up for school usually before I am awake, especially if I’ve been up with baby. She will pop her head round the bedroom door before she and her dad leave to say goodbye. I mumble bye and we get on with our day. Could you offer something like this? Honestly OP if you did get up with him you’d probably just be sitting around awkwardly while he does his morning routine. Sounds like you don’t want to get up, and that dss is fine, it’s just husband who has an issue, so tell him solution to his problem is his problem.

Tell DH that if you're not getting to sleep properly when you're on lates then you'll need to catch up on the weekend.

I wonder if he's willing to give up his lie ins, if someone getting up to wave his son off to school is that important to him he'll give up his lie in (as he's expecting you to do)

YANBU

He’s 11 not 6.

There is no need to wake you up when he himself can say goodbye to his son. It would be different if you were already awake, but you’re not. It’s disrespectful waking up a sleeping person unnecessarily knowing they had a long shift or struggled to sleep. Doesn’t matter what the relation is.

My mother, sister, and I all did shift work and we never woke anyone up unless it was important. Also, not all of us can simply wake up and then go right back to sleep.

So OP doesn't bother getting up to see her little daughter either?
Lovely.

“So why bother?” what a fucking stupid, immature response. Maybe “bother” because you’ve chosen to have a a relationship with someone who has children and they’re the sibling of your child. Jesus Christ.

My response to thisnwould be that if he wakes me up on my lie in day to do something unnecessary then you will be expecting him to share the lie in days at the weekend as you will need to catch up at somepoint - just as he does I assume.

If he wakes you up again I would say OK, I'll get up but I'm having the Saturday lie in... see his face!

Do you actually get up when he wakes you - or do you tell him to go away? I'm wondering if him waking you achieves his aim with SS as well as pissing you off? If you do - maybe stop being so compliant in his controlling behaviour?

It sounds like the 11yr old is pretty self-sufficient, but it would definitely be nice to have someone wish him a nice day, make sure he's got everything he needs etc. Maybe not every day, but at least sometimes?

kids that age need their sleep so I understand DH not wanting to wake him up before it's necessary. I just don't get the 'I go to bed at 1am so I can't get up for 7.30/8am' bit. I do that every single day including weekends...

Would DH agree to giving up his weekend lie ins, so you could have a weekend lie in instead, on the agreement that you get up to say goodbye to his son in the week?

If not then he hasn't got a leg to stand on, but if so, that would be a good compromise.

And I do have to say that whilst I don't HAVE to get up some mornings to see my teens off to school and could definitely do with a lie in, I always do and they always get an "I love you" as they leave. It makes me happy to do it, so it's as much for me as them.

So many of these step families sound like war fields with every bit of energy and resource carefully calculated an analysed.

I know I’d wander down, make a tea/coffee/decaf say a ‘good morning all ok, have a good day’ then wander back to bed.

Even before DC, DH and I did this with each other and the cat, don’t you say goodbye to DD before they leave?

Maybe I’m over anxious, but I always think - if they don’t come home I want my last encounter to be pleasant 😳
Maybe that wouldn’t matter as it’s a SC

Would your response be the same if it was the Dad not seeing his daughter in the morning?
Mums are entitled to rest too.
If my husband has worked/arrived home late and not gone to sleep until the early hours I wouldn't wake him before the kids left for school, and he quite often leaves for work before the kids are awake. Is that not OK?

You should definitely be having one of the weekend lie ins OP. Your DH is a cheeky so and so for claiming them both for himself while insisting you get up after your late shifts.

Are you being deliberately obtuse? How can you not understand that you can't just 'go back to bed?' Bloody hell.

I wouldn’t do that to my 23-year-old. What a miserable existence for an 11 old child, no interaction before school with its family.

What time does he leave the house? I'd get up ten minutes before then to check he's got everything he needs and wave him off.

I am neither stupid, or immature, thanks. Maybe if you weren't, you would understand what the comment 'why bother' was in relation to. It was nothing to do with the step-child. It was in relation to posting as a step-parent on MN. Or were you too stupid to understand this? Oh well.

Just don’t get up. It’s not your child. If dh doesn’t like the set up he can change his schedule to make it work.

Except in this case, it's the dad that gets the daughter up and ready and takes her out, leaving the mother to snooze.

All he's asking is that she drags herself out of bed to say goodbye to the boy for 5 minutes. Then she can spend the rest of the morning watching Jeremy Kyle.

I really don’t like the way some people are saying not your son. He is your stepson and your daughter’s sibling. Why would you not care for him as you would your daughter he is in your care.

What if it was the other way round and your daughter had a stepmum who couldn’t be bothered?