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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not get out of bed just to say bye.

700 replies

LadyDane · 30/06/2023 07:11

I work shifts, never full night's but early & lates and when I'm on a late I may not get in until 10:30/11pm, then I need to eat, wash and wind down so I can often not be in bed until gone midnight.

My husband tends to leave for work around 7:30am.

He has an older son who stays with us a week on week off. He is 11 and has been walking to school since the start of the year.

Me and DH can't seem to agree on this. DH ensures SS's alarm is set in the evening and he knows to make some cereal and brush teeth and what time he needs to leave but he's always mithering me to get up and 'see him off, say good morning, good bye, doesn't want him getting up to an empty house all the time'.

There is no choice when I'm on earlies as I leave before DH anyway so there is literally no one else in when SS gets up but DH expects me to get up when I've been on lates just to do this. I don't think it's necessary and if he's that bothered he should go into work late.

AIBU not to get up early after working late just to say goodbye?

OP posts:
Freefall212 · 30/06/2023 10:51

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 30/06/2023 10:37

So he's parenting alone for a72 hour stretch, who's doing the rest of the hours? Women who post on here asking if they are unreasonable to ask for 'help' from their husbands tend to be doing everything alone. As you well know. Me and my OH muck in together. When I finish late, he does the next morning. I cant even remember discussing it, its just what you do isn't it? Take over from each other. I thank the lord I'm in a partnership where we just crack on and the man I'm with is a fully capable adult. So this man has to do things alone for 72 hours... OP's doing the other days. What is your point?

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She does two of his work days with the one child - he is still home mornings, evenings and nights and weekends.

You can think any woman on here who struggles with basicc parenting or doing it alone is a pathetic excuse and her husband needs to seriously raise his bar of expectaitons for women - what kind of mother needs help with bsic parenting? A pathetic one. Any man whose wife can't parent solo for long stretches without struggling or wants help in the mornings or who doesn''t want to do it alone whiel he sleeps in should seriously up his standards for a wife and mother. Apparently this biard is fileld with mothers who are pathetic parents, and whose husbands need to seriously up their standanrds and set the bar higher for these pathetic women who struggle or want help with basic parenting.

Whatthediddlyfeck · 30/06/2023 10:55

GrumpyPanda · 30/06/2023 10:35

You were doing a stable shift pattern though so your body got habituated. Nothing like the horrendous early to late to early again rotating shifts OP is talking about - that's widely acknowledged to be really detrimental.

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errrrm where did I say that? I worked varied shifts

Ejismyf · 30/06/2023 10:57

Personally I would get up and be around when he gets ready if I was there, especially when you can just go back to bed anyway eleven is still young and id do anything for my step children that I would do for my own children.

mondaytosunday · 30/06/2023 10:58

I don't go to bed gone midnight but I'm up at 6.40 every morning to see my kid off to school (and she's in sixth form)! It lets her know I care.
In your shoes I would get up to say good morning, see if they needed anything, then off they go and then go back to bed.
One of my stepsons lived with us from age 13. He was perfectly capable of getting himself up and out, but I like to think it was nice that someone else was up and around and just there too wish him a good day (his Dad would be long gone but I'd be up with the baby/toddler).

Bored86 · 30/06/2023 10:58

This made me feel quite sad. 11 is so young to be getting up to an empty house. Granted it’s not your child but if he lives there part time it would be nice if you could get up with him.

Takeabreather23 · 30/06/2023 11:00

I’ve worked shifts.
I’ve been the step kid.
I’ve had step kids
I’ve also got myself out to high school(from age 11) when nobody was up ( I was the eldest ) and I hated the feeling tbh
I would get up for the child
i think a lot of the comments on here are very selfish .

SchoolQuestionnaire · 30/06/2023 11:02

Catchasingmewithspiders · 30/06/2023 07:52

Do what your DH is effectively suggesting is that he gets 2 lie ins a week and you get none.

And that hes not willing to wake his son up before he goes out, but he does wake you up before he goes out.

I do get that it might be nice for the son to have a bit of a transition from being taken to school, to getting himself ready for school and leaving with no support. But then it's also not like you aren't there at all and Im sure if he needed you he would come and get you.

the only fair compromise would be that your DH gives up one of his weekend lie ins so you still get one. I think it's a bit shit he hasnt offered that tbh rather than just decide you get none

This would be fair. Dss gets his company, you both get a proper lie in.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 30/06/2023 11:05

Freefall212 · 30/06/2023 10:51

She does two of his work days with the one child - he is still home mornings, evenings and nights and weekends.

You can think any woman on here who struggles with basicc parenting or doing it alone is a pathetic excuse and her husband needs to seriously raise his bar of expectaitons for women - what kind of mother needs help with bsic parenting? A pathetic one. Any man whose wife can't parent solo for long stretches without struggling or wants help in the mornings or who doesn''t want to do it alone whiel he sleeps in should seriously up his standards for a wife and mother. Apparently this biard is fileld with mothers who are pathetic parents, and whose husbands need to seriously up their standanrds and set the bar higher for these pathetic women who struggle or want help with basic parenting.

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You sound angry. Look, you can put words in my mouth all you want, it's amusing but I just cannot relate to your outrage about a man who has to muck in and parent his child on his own. Its normal in my world. Mine doesnt get a pass cos hes a bloke. If I'm in bed, even if its just because i fancy staying in bed, he gets on with it. Like the OP does on a weekend so he can have a lie in. Also can't relate to your need to tell a woman that she needs to be doing more. OP does enough and actually when a woman posts on here about wanting her fella who works shifts to 'help' she's ALWAYS told by numerous posters to go easy on him because he works shifts and shift work is hard 😁

JST88 · 30/06/2023 11:06

These are small things that make children feel loved and cared for. I couldn’t sit in my house and let my child walk to school just hoping they made it there safely at 11years old nm not even say goodbye, I think it’s cold tbh.

FloweryWowery · 30/06/2023 11:07

I'd be beyond pissed off to be woken up to say goodbye to someone. It's really weird and controlling.

JST88 · 30/06/2023 11:09

yeah to ‘someone’ but this is a child, a child that she is a parent to. It’s not like it’s a man demanding she’s up to wave him off

JST88 · 30/06/2023 11:09

@Freefall212 sounds like a man in disguise lol

Freefall212 · 30/06/2023 11:14

JST88 · 30/06/2023 11:09

@Freefall212 sounds like a man in disguise lol

No. I am a woman. Just one who believes in equality and doesn't think that all women are saints and all men are evil. I think both parents need to be responsible and that women and men are capable of being great or awful parents and can mke good or bad decisions. I get that many on this board hate men in the same way that some men on other boards hate women - I just don't share either hateful, sexist view.

CovertImage · 30/06/2023 11:15

As a pp said. There is a weird narrative on MN about step children. I have noticed if a woman remarries and she has a child there is a lot of talk as coming as a unit and an expectation that their new husband treat her child as his own and not differentiate between his step child and future children. If a woman marries a man who already has a child according to any MN posters, it is ok to have nothing to do with them and refuse to help parent them.

Yeah, no you haven't noticed that, you're lying

Lacucuracha · 30/06/2023 11:16

Your late shifts are brutal, ny the item you've washed, wound down and eaten it's probably gone midnight.

No way should you have to get up in the mornings to see of an 11yo.

If DH is so bothered he can get DS up at 7 and give him cereal.

Hoppinggreen · 30/06/2023 11:20

DS is 14 and on the odd occasion I haven’t had to get up to wave him off to school I still do it but he’s my son and it’s my choice
I also like to be there when he gets home but if I can’t it’s fine

Theydontknowthatweknowthattheyknow · 30/06/2023 11:22

I can't imagine a child living under my roof and resenting slipping out of bed, popping the kettle on and giving them a hug goodbye so that they know they're valued before school. How does your family manage to function when you're so dramatic about such a none-issue?

phoenixrosehere · 30/06/2023 11:30

Sartre · 30/06/2023 10:37

Getting to bed at midnight and then waking at 7 am is adequate sleep so I’d personally say YABU for not getting up in the morning, it’s a bit lazy…

Why do so many assume it’s so easy just to go back to bed once woken up?

For many people, it’s not.

Why not simply ask the child what he needs?

I’d bet he want his dad to be the one saying goodbye to him than his stepmum.

The dad gets up with enough time to sit and have breakfast with his own child but instead of doing so is pushing it on to OP. If he can wake up OP, surely he could be waking up his son and spending time with him before he has to go to work if it means so much to him.

He also gets lie-ins where he’s undisturbed but doesn’t think OP should.

Read OP’s posts before calling someone lazy.

MostlyBlueberryFlavoured · 30/06/2023 11:31

LadyDane · 30/06/2023 07:36

If you don't want to do things for the child then don't get into a relationship with the parent

Its quite funny you say this because before he walked to school it was me who got up and took him every day unless I was on an early.

I feel like if now DH still feels like he needs someone in the mornings he can take some of the responsibility and get him up earlier before he leaves. I've done years of this before he was old enough to get to school himself.

... but you still haven't managed to muster up any warmth towards him, or you'd WANT to drag your lazy arsenal out of bed to see him off to school

MostlyBlueberryFlavoured · 30/06/2023 11:31

... lol at lazy arsenal, that's what I'm calling it from now on!

phoenixrosehere · 30/06/2023 11:32

MostlyBlueberryFlavoured · 30/06/2023 11:31

... but you still haven't managed to muster up any warmth towards him, or you'd WANT to drag your lazy arsenal out of bed to see him off to school

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Why is OP lazy, but his dad isn’t?!?!

MostlyBlueberryFlavoured · 30/06/2023 11:33

phoenixrosehere · 30/06/2023 11:32

Why is OP lazy, but his dad isn’t?!?!

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His dad's gone to nursery and work. OP wants to loll in bed.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 30/06/2023 11:38

MostlyBlueberryFlavoured · 30/06/2023 11:33

His dad's gone to nursery and work. OP wants to loll in bed.

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What, like the dad lols in bed both weekend mornings?

DemelzaandRoss · 30/06/2023 11:41

The sooner this poor child is grown up & doesn’t have to be with you, the better.
Further examples of SC being treated with contempt.

Agapornis · 30/06/2023 11:42

Why don't you ask your SS whether he'd like to have you around and say bye? Come to an agreement without DH annoying you. Get a doorstep to keep DH out if SS isn't bothered.