To not get out of bed just to say bye.

[LadyDane]

I work shifts, never full night's but early & lates and when I'm on a late I may not get in until 10:30/11pm, then I need to eat, wash and wind down so I can often not be in bed until gone midnight.

My husband tends to leave for work around 7:30am.

He has an older son who stays with us a week on week off. He is 11 and has been walking to school since the start of the year.

Me and DH can't seem to agree on this. DH ensures SS's alarm is set in the evening and he knows to make some cereal and brush teeth and what time he needs to leave but he's always mithering me to get up and 'see him off, say good morning, good bye, doesn't want him getting up to an empty house all the time'.

There is no choice when I'm on earlies as I leave before DH anyway so there is literally no one else in when SS gets up but DH expects me to get up when I've been on lates just to do this. I don't think it's necessary and if he's that bothered he should go into work late.

AIBU not to get up early after working late just to say goodbye?

I'd be livid if my DH thought he could shirk morning responsibilities because he was rota'd on til 10pm!

They are HIS responsibilities. Not the OP’s.

She said her DH goes to work early so can’t be there.

It’s a matter of whether you see your step children as your own. If you don’t, don’t treat them the same. If you do, then do.

I guess some step parents consider they’re step children other people’s children and not theirs to care for, which is fine. But then they’re also probably fine that they’re new DH don’t take care of their own children.

And yes, I would ask the same question if the OP was a man.

It’s her DD.

My dd is 11. No way could she get up by herself. I have to keep telling her what needs doing. She would just turn the alarm
off. I remind her what's happening at school and the home time arrangements.

Oh for god's sake, he'll survive.

Not your child OP - YANBU. You are brave for posting here, don't you know that all step-parents are evil?

Honestly, step-parents can never win, so why bother.

Could you do the nursery drop off in the morning to free so that your husband can leave a bit later and see his son?

Well of course he will survive. But you try to make kids feel a bit cared for no? Or are we looking at the bare minimum. Maybe OP could do the nursery drop off on her way to work to give her husband more time with his son in the morning.

My son used to get himself sorted in the morning enjoyed the quiet time but I always got up for a few minutes to see him off out the door. I just would go back to bed 🤷‍♀️Why can’t you do that OP rather than expecting him to get up earlier at the beginning of a long day ?

It's amazing some DCs manage to make it to adulthood.

An 11 year old is seemingly incapable of getting a bowl of cereal and getting himself out on time for school 3 days a fortnight, on the thread someone has said they still need to do this for their 15 year old.

I agree in model family land it would be lovely if there was someone getting up to straighten his tie and pour his cornflakes, but this is at the expense of OPs sleep - and no getting up to sort him out and then going back to bed does not count as a lie in, in my book.

If OP sleeps naturally past 8, then that's the sleep she needs. Maybe she would get up if it was her own DS, but honestly it's hardly ridiculous to expect an 11 year old to either get up at 7 so his DF can be with him, or get himself up a couple of times in a fortnight.

He’s your husbands child, why is he barging in and waking you up after a late shift to wave at the door like some weirdo. Would SS even want this? My 12yo would think I’d lost the plot.

And why is it your job? If he’s getting DD up and ready why can’t he get SS up too? I’m confused as to why that’s your job. Bit weird, feels controlling. If it’s so important to DH he can get SS up, I’ve a suspicion it’ll suddenly not be that big of a deal if you insist of that happening. Seems like he just doesn’t want you in bed.

Reclaim one of the weekend lie ins as well.

Yes! If OP is expected to get up in the mornings, then she should definitely get lie-ins on the weekend.

What absolute nonsense. Of course an 11yo can get his own breakfast if needed. That is absolutely not what this is about.

He needs to organise his work around HIS responsibilities then. Doesn’t he?

Women do this all the time. But somehow men’s work becomes too important for that.

If it were my Y6 and I had to leave at 7.30 - he’d be getting up at 6.30 with everyone else and going to breakfast club.

my work day is defined by nursery hours. And I regularly limit my career development by turning down travel because I have a toddler to be there for. Meanwhile STBXH does whatever the fuck he likes, opts in to parenting as suits him and sometimes makes comments about how being ‘the default parent’ must be inconvenient. He’s particularly bad, but this logic that children are women’s work is widespread.

Pretending this isn’t gendered is ridiculous.

How dare he! He doesn’t want to deal with his own son on the mornings you are there or those you aren’t. Yet he expects you to get up with his child. That’s not on. Does he get up with him on the weekends? He needs to do his own parenting and let you do yours. I get all the kids up at 6:45 here for school. That would give him 45mins with his son, and he could do that both weeks so his son is never getting up to an empty house. How is it fine for him 1 week but not the other?
Your shifts sound awful tbh, though thankfully only 3 days a week. I think having a couple of hours to yourself/extra in bed every other week is the least you need. I assume he gets free time in the evenings after they go to bed that you miss out on as you are either in work or having to work at 5am.

When I was 10 I had to get myself and 3 younger siblings to the school bus stop as both parents had already left for work.
My ds, from 12, was on his own from 7.45 am.

Your dh is being ridiculous. At least you're in the house.

This!

By 11 I was getting ready and going to school by myself. So OP thinks it’s age appropriate for DSS to leave by himself that’s completely fine. Or if it’s a struggle then they need to discuss with Ex-DW and different schedule.

But the way some PP are referring to the poor child as “someone else’s child”

Why bother marrying a single dad and choose to be a blended family if you don’t want to accept the step children?

I bet these same people will throw a fit if they’re own DC aren’t treated the same / ignored.

This isn’t a criticism of the OP who has a legitimate question about time / work share. It’s the disparaging of children. Poor kids!

@Comety "What absolute nonsense. Of course an 11yo can get his own breakfast if needed. That is absolutely not what this is about."

Ok if it's not about that, then it must be about a man being so controlling he thinks he can dictate how much sleep his DW needs after working night shifts to support their family.

Its 2-3 times a fortnight, the DSS could be asked to get up at 7. Most secondary school DCs get up at that time or earlier to make it into school. Apparently DSS sleep matters, but not OPs.

Then what EXACTLY is it about? The OP who works long and shitty hours needing to catch up on sleep? If the OP of this post was the actual mother, everyone would be telling her she deserves the sleep and that dad should pick up the slack. But nooo, because she's the step-mother she should be making extra effort to accommodate a child that isn't hers, to hell with her sleep needs etc. Nah, not on.

Exactly! I went to boarding school from 11 & we all managed to get ourselves up & ready without adult supervision, no wonder there are so many adult children around nowadays

OP I agree you should not get up to wave goodbye to DSS. The fantasists on this thread are quite funny though - so invested in their stories.

If you’re getting to bed at midnight and then getting up at 7 that’s plenty of sleep - a normal nights sleep for most people! Why is it such an issue to get up and see him off to school, it’s not very nice for him to be alone in the morning. All you’ve got to do is go downstairs and make a cup of tea knowing once he’s gone off to school you can relax. I work all night, get home at 7, take the eldest to school and then look after a 3 year old all day! Needs must sometimes

FFS he's just going to school of a morning, why does he need a farewell party?
I'm sure the boy himself couldn't give a stuff.

I think Mumsnet would have a lot to say about a man who used his 10pm finish to abdicate equal responsibility for getting his young daughter up and ready the following morning when his wife was getting up and ready to go to work, and having to deal with getting a preschooler ready too.

My issue is that working 11am-10pm shifts doesn't necessitate a change of routine or a lay-in in the morning, and I think OP should be taking equal responsibility for the morning routine (for HER DD), and if she did this, she would also be up and about by the time her DSS got up.

If a man finished his shift at 10pm, and then chose to stay up gaming etc and not go to bed til early hours of the morning and then expected a lay-in, Mumsnet would see it for exactly what it is- shirking responsibility for the morning routine.

With the working hours of 11am-10pm, there is no reason not to get up in the mornings and do your fair share of the family morning routine.

It’s up to you if you get up with your SS in the morning. Personally I would get up with him as I did with my own children.

Yanbu x